Love is Hell
by Kefe
Summary: Edward Cullen HAD Bella Swan from the moment they first met. He owned her, everything about her and he threw it all away in a few hours. But now he's back to win her all over again but this time she's not falling. AH, OOC, rated M.
1. Prologue

**A/N: I want to thank Kuntrygal for helping me out with this. Thank you so much, you have no idea how grateful I am. Thanks. **

_PROLOGUE_

Today is the day most girls dream about; the day you're dressed up in a huge white gown with a veil covering your beautiful face waiting to take the longest walk of your entire life to meet the man you love at the front end of the church.

The day your best friend (if you have someone named Alice Brandon as your best friend) tortures you with makeup and hairdo for the entire morning. I love her by the way.

The day your family invites almost five thousand people you don't know to your wedding. They mostly come to eat and drink, and just party their lives away for free.

The day, all your friends come; some who are jealous that you got to take that walk first, and others who are genuinely happy that you're finally entering damnation and giving your soul to a man (my friends aren't really normal).

The day, your mother is running up and down, panicking about the arrangements of the wedding. Tears are welled up in her eyes and she's trying her best not to make them spoil her makeup, because she's just so shocked at how much you've grown and how unwilling she is to let you go.

The day, your father holds your arms and shoots murderous glares at your fiancé, ensuring him that if anything were to happen to you; he'd be there to kick his ass as he hands you to your future.

The day that you're a nervous wreck because you're definitely sure that you're going to forget your vows even though you memorized it like you were reading for an exam a thousand times the night before.

And when you do get to suck it up, it is the day you get to look at that handsome man's face and say your vows sweetly, promising to love him for the rest of your life till death destroys this faithful commitment.

The day you say 'I do' to your beloved and become bound and owned to the man who's claiming you just by an object, your wedding ring. The ring symbolizes your never ending love and your commitment. So that every time you decide to look at another man in a sexual way, you'd look at your finger and realize what good you're missing.

Most people don't know this but the truth is (except you're not going to get married); the day you get married is the day you start living. All other days before that day, you just existed.

Today is meant to be the happiest day of my life.

Because today is the day that I get to marry the man who loves me; Jacob Black, while the man I love, Edward Cullen, watches painfully as I tie the knot.

And yet, I'm here with my heart racing like a horse and sweat breaking out on my forehead wondering if this is what I really want.

_At the end of the day, is this really worth it?_


	2. Candles & Rose Petals

**A/N: Thanks guys for the reviews/favorites/story alerts even when all I gave you was just a short prologue. I appreciated each one of them and I'm glad you're giving this story a chance. Now, I haven't abandoned Collide. It's just that Rose is being a bitch to me right now. I'll post it up when I'm done. **

**As usual I want to thank my darling sweet beta, Kuntrygal, whom without, this wouldn't even be possible. **

**In the words of Jerry Maguire; U…..*(points finger at screen) complete me! Lol**

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**Candles & Rose Petals**

"Tanya, could you please get into the car? We could check out those shoes after I'm done with my appointment."

The cup of iced cappuccino fell from my hands with a light thud as I heard the familiar beautiful voice of the man who always caused my heart to run a marathon. I stood there, frozen like an ice sculpture, afraid to turn around and see him physically. My heart was already banging wildly and even the light breeze couldn't stop the heat that was encompassing my body.

_He's here._

I was infuriated with the way my body reacted to the mere sound of his voice; sparks crawled down my spine causing my whole body to become charged and awake. My body shivered, leaving a trace of goosebumps, just at the thought that he was standing at the back of me. Heat soared through my veins and I almost believed I was getting a fever.

_He can't be here, you're hearing things._

I hadn't seen him since he left. There was no way he could be here, no one had seen him. It couldn't be him. I tried to turn my head to look at the source, but my whole body was in a trance. My legs were stationed and firmly planted on the ground and any slight adjustment to look at this perfect creature that haunted me for years was definitely going to cause me an enormous amount of pain.

_What if it's not him? It could be someone else._

No it couldn't be; his voice was so unique. I could be within a thousand miles away and still be able to detect it like a freaking radar. His tone was very soft and velvety, at the same time deep and domineering. Whenever he spoke to me, it flowed like a lullaby; slow and passionate. However when he was with other people it was deep and commanding. I could always tell the difference, the difference between the way he acted to me and the rest of the world.

_I have to look at him, just one glance and I'll be satisfied. Just to be sure that I'm not losing my mind. I can deal with the repercussions later._

My head warped around to the origin of where the voice had protruded from, but unfortunately there was no gorgeous creature who could've matched it. My face fell in disappointment.

_I couldn't have been hearing it after all these years; it was too perfect to have imagined it._

But then again, maybe it was just a figment of my imagination. I couldn't understand why I still had this kind of reaction to him after so long. I was happy now, I had moved on. He should have been flushed from my system by now. Someone had occupied his place; he had repaired the broken circuits to keep me working and not acting like a total zombie. Jacob had melted frozen the part of my heart and poured his love like sweet honey to remove the bitterness from me. I shouldn't have still had this reaction to his voice.

_It might not have been him and even if it was; he's dead to you._

Edward Cullen died to me many years ago when he stabbed me and left me to bleed. I couldn't believe that I still wanted to forgive him after that. I waited for him, every day, every month, every year, counting every minute and praying that he would somehow come back to me. That maybe the electricity that always ignited a fire between us would bring him back to me. Hoping that he loved me just as much as I loved him; that maybe there was a reason why he couldn't be with me, a reason why he hadn't called or written. Instead there was nothing, and that nothing hurt for a long time. If he had just told me that I wasn't good enough for him; that would have been better than _nothing_. He did nothing, but left the constant disappointment and emptiness to swallow me.

I shook off the thoughts that crowded my mind. I hadn't had a real direct confrontation with my insides about him for a long time, and a ghost's voice was definitely not about to bring this up. I picked up my iced cappuccino and threw it in a nearby thrash can before making my way to meet Jacob. I hopped into a cab and told the driver to take me to my apartment using the fastest route. Jacob had an OCD with time and being late was definitely going to get on his bad side. The cab dropped me off in front of the condo. After paying him, I walked through the revolving doors of the building. I loosened the knot of my tied scarf around my neck and pressed my floor number.

I got out of the elevator and checked for my house keys as I stopped in front of my door. I opened the door and flicked on the lights. I was greeted with a trail of rose petals on the floor that led to the bedroom door. I smiled as my mind thought of one of Jacob's romantic gestures. I followed the trail to my bedroom and opened the door. Slow, gentle music was playing from the speakers as I entered the room with anticipation. The room was dark, and illuminated with candles and more roses. I couldn't stop my face from growing different shades of red as I saw Jacob dressed in a purple buttoned shirt and a beige colour of pants seducing me with his sweet smile.

"Jake, what did you do now?" I shut the door behind me, trying to decode the mischievous smirk hanging at the corner of his lips.

"Nothing baby." He laughed and pressed his body into mine, capturing my lips in a soft welcoming kiss. He was always tender with me, taking care of me like as if I could break any minute. It was both sweet and annoying at the same time. "How was work?" His lips descended on my neck as he slowly peeled away the jacket from my body.

"The usual; boring," I answered, a bit flustered.

"I have something to ask you," he said, dragging me to the bed.

"J, we are not getting a puppy and there is no way in hell I'm moving into your apartment soon. I'm content with my small one even though you decide to pay the rent." I sat on the bed and he positioned himself in a kneeling pose between my legs.

"Baby, are you done?" he raised an eyebrow as he massaged my waist.

"Yes." I pouted and crossed my hands against my chest.

He drew in a deep breath and started fidgeting with his pockets. "I don't know how to do this," he started in a nervous tone.

"Do what?" my heart started pounding at his nervousness.

"Okay, just sit here for a second okay?" he walked over to my bedside cupboard and took out the cardboard paper with a marker. "I wanted to do this differently but I was a little scared you'd freak out." He tore the cardboard into smaller squares.

My hands were a little bit shaky, and I was becoming as curious as to what the hell he was talking about. "Could you just please tell me?" I hated surprises and being in the dark. I really wanted him to get straight to the point because he was starting to make me develop high blood pressure at my early age.

He scribbled something on all of the papers and then turned to me with a bright smile. I could see his hands shaking as he raised the paper to me.

**_I don't like you. _**

I giggled and replied, "I don't like you too."

He removed the first one and put it behind the other bunch of papers he was holding.

**_I don't want us to have this kind of relationship. _**

"Are you trying to break up with me and still be romantic?" I asked in a joking tone, my legs swinging up and down like a kid on a playground.

He placed the third paper like he did the second.

**_I want to make you happy._**

"You already make me happy, Jake." He rolled his eyes.

**_Not that kind of happy._**

I chuckled because of how accurate he was about my antics when he was writing this. He changed it to another paper.

**_I love you and I'm asking,_**

This time the paper fell out of his hands and he dropped to one knee.

**_Will you please marry me? Because I want to fully dedicate my life in making you happy._**

When I finished reading the last line, I felt something hook the back of my throat and suddenly I was choking. Jacob immediately rushed to the kitchen and got me a glass of water as I coughed and tried to get whatever was choking me out.

******SHATTERED MEMORIES******

"_Al, where the hell are we going at this time of the night?" I asked my best friend who was driving like a frigging maniac; chanting something to herself about being late._

_She didn't answer; she just kept on murmuring a string of profanities to herself,f acting like she was a complete psycho. I folded my arms against my chest and continued staring at her as our car practically flew down the street, trying to beat all the traffic lights that were almost turning red._

_I held on to my seat; her driving was making me a bit nauseous, she had never driven like this before. I checked the back mirror to ensure the cops weren't on our tail because of the speeding limit we were exceeding. _

_She turned around the corner of the street and parked by the small city park._

"_Get out of the car," she said hastily, removing the straps of my seatbelt as if I were a toddler._

_I continued gazing at her as if she was mental, maybe she had schizophrenia. And if she did, I could contact Dr. Cullen to take a look at her at home, she wouldn't have to be admitted in the psyche ward. We could arrange a private session for her._

"_Go Bella, you're already late." She hissed._

"_Alice it's already late. How could I be any later than this? Besides what the hell are we doing at the park by this time?" I said, getting down from the car and noticing she was still seated with her seat belts on._

"_Now listen carefully, walk through that entrance," –she pointed to a little pathway disappearing deeper into the park– "the light bulbs will guide you to your destination." She sounded like a character in an adventure movie like Indiana Jones. "Call me when everything is over." She shut the door and drove off. _

'When everything is over', what the hell did that mean?****_She dragged me from my house with my grey pajama pants and a black Def Leppard t-shirt to follow a set of bulbs into a park at 11 o' clock in the night. Yeah, she was definitely psychotic. I couldn't do anything else since my driver had taken off in haste without even saying goodbye like as if she was on a mission. After seconds of mind battling and creepy thoughts of monsters coming to grab me, I grew the confidence to follow the path to wherever the destination led._

_The path looked like a maze, the flowers surrounding it were really high and there were so many bulbs by both sides of the small road. I kept cursing Alice for waking me up for this rubbish as I followed the trail._

_As I got closer to the end, I could hear the soft strumming of a guitar. I recognized the music filtering through the air to be _First in Line_ by _Matthew Mayfield_. The trail led to a small white vinyl gazebo._

_I spotted Edward coming out from one of the corners of the park singing the lyrics of the song in his rough sexy voice. My cheeks burned to a hundred and eighty degrees. I completely forgot my previous thoughts. I couldn't believe that he had learned the song. I had been playing that particular song on my iPod since the first day I heard it in his house. He promised me that he would learn it and play it for me one day. _

"_I'll give you all of me, I'll make you mine. If you'll take me and make me your first in line."_

_Sweet satisfaction soared over me and I couldn't help the tears that filled my eyes. It was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me. When the song finished, he stood up and placed his guitar on the grass before walking towards me. _

"_I thought you'd never make it," he whispered into my hair, placing a chaste kiss on my forehead and walking me to the gazebo._

_When we got to the gazebo, he got down on both knees and pulled out something from his pocket._

"_Bella Swan, I'm not asking you to marry me because you don't have a fucking choice. But for the part of me that doubts that confidence, I'm going to beg you to marry me because I don't want a life without you even if it consists of all the happiness and comfort in the world. So will you fucking marry me?" His green eyes glowed and pierced into mine as he displayed the ring sitting perfectly in its box._

_I was in loss of words. I couldn't describe how exactly I felt. I was ecstatic, dumbfounded, overwhelmed and had many more bunched up feelings that left me breathless because that's how he always made me feel, like a total idiot. _

"_Hell fucking yes!" the words spilled out of my mouth like a fountain, and they were truer than anything I had ever said._

_His whole face lit up like a Christmas tree as he stood up and enveloped me into a tight hug, wrapping my legs around his waist. He looked so happy and I was beyond happy. I felt fulfilled. His hands rubbed my sides as his mouth devoured mine into a deep passionate kiss; our tongues expressing how overjoyed and content we were. I slipped my hands into his hair and began massaging his scalp and pressing his head to deepen the kiss. He complied, moaning and caressing my tongue with his. Our tongues danced over each other. I could hear clapping and whistling but I was too absorbed to notice._

_That was until Emmett's voice boomed over us and I turned around to look. My friends had gathered around the gazebo clapping and shouting congratulations. My lips spread into a huge smile and my face felt like it was on fire. Edward swiveled my face to his and captured my lips again making me forget that any of them were there._

******REALITY******

"Bella, are you okay?" Jacob caressed my hair as I gulped every drop of water remaining in the glass cup.

"Yes," I croaked, when I finally found the voice to speak. "I'm fine."

"Okay." He kissed my forehead. "It's okay if you're not ready, I understand. I'll wait till you're completely sure you can do this again," he said softly. He didn't look angry but disappointment graced his features.

Jacob Black loved me. He loved me; he was here. I could touch him, I could feel him, and his love radiated out and touched me. He was warm, kind, honest and endearing. He was patient with me, after six years of healing from a broken heart, he was waiting. He was waiting for me just like I waited for Edward. Edward was my past and Jacob was my future. I couldn't wait for Edward any longer, he was never going to see me again, and I couldn't pass on the opportunity of being loved like I truly deserved. Six years and I was done healing, I wanted to be loved. I needed to be loved.

"Yes." I smiled as he tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ears.

"Yes what?" he asked, confused. He must have probably forgotten about his proposal or he just expected me to say no.

"Yes, I'll marry you," I finished lightly.

"Oh Bella," he said with tremendous joy and hugged me. "I will spend the rest of my life making you the happiest woman on earth till I die," he promised into my hair.

He reached out into his pocket and pulled out a silk black box. I sucked in a breath as he opened it to display a ten carat diamond ring. "Would you do me the honor princess?"

"Definitely." I smiled as he slipped the ring on my engagement finger.

~%~

"Bree, don't forget to send it to me okay? I'll call you later," I shouted and waved as she blew me a kiss and entered the yellow taxi.

I turned to walk in the other direction when I bumped into someone. "I'm so sorry; I should have seen where I was going," I mumbled, trying to pick up all the books that had fallen on the ground because of my clumsiness.

After gathering all the books in my hands, I reached out to pick up my tattered copy of Mansfield Park when the guy I bumped into reached out for it. I raised my head to find my book resting in the hands of Edward Cullen.

"My Isabella." His soft whisper wafted with the breeze that slapped my face as I stared at him dumbfounded.

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**_Whose proposal was the best? Wait, don't even answer that, I think I already know! But you just might shock me._**


	3. Whispers of the life we created

**A/N: Dear readers, thanks once again for the reviews/favorites/story alerts, they are truly appreciated. And all those who came from Collide over here, thanks!**

**A bigger thanks to Kuntrygal (my other half), she just makes me feel so special and the rate at which she betas this fast astonishes me. Thanks sweetheart! **

**Oh yeah, I own nothing, not even the Chanel earrings, sadly.**

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**Whispers of the Life We Created**

"_My Isabella."_ His soft whisper wafted with the breeze that slapped my face.

_Oh. My. God!_

Breathe Bella, breathe…_How do you breathe?_

I opened my mouth a little, hoping that the air that refused to pass through my nose would enter through my mouth.

_I think I'm going to faint._

At that particular moment my eyes met his figure, it seemed like everything around me was in slow motion. I could hear all the soft little things, from the birds chirping, the noises erupting from the water fountain close by, a little girl's laughter, the sound of keys hitting the ground. I stood up slowly, absorbing and digesting his magnificent sight. I was definitely sure I was drooling at that moment due to my mouth being open.

_Someone please wake me up._

He was dressed in blue jeans and a black t-shirt that clung to his upper body like a leech; accentuating his dynamic manly curves and emphasizing the muscles sticking out from his sleeves. His hair was as unruly as ever and the sun bounced off rays on it. He looked like he had just got out of bed, or had sex before walking down the street. His eyes, oh lord, his green eyes; I could swim in them for eternity. His lips parted slightly, and I was almost drawn to them like a magnet as his tongue stuck out and caressed his lower lip ever so gently.

I scraped my bottom lip with my teeth, trying to prevent the betrayal vibes that were vibrating in my bones.

Then everything went back to normal, the world had returned, crashing down violently. I could hear everything now, and the volume had been amplified. I could hear the construction workers shouting over the noise of their drilling, a dog barking intensely, cell phones ringing all around me–everything. I had woken up finally.

"Hey, there you are. I almost thought I lost you," a blond woman screeched as she walked toward us, her heels clanking on the ground with each step.

I looked up and scrutinized her; she was dressed in an animal skin boob tube knee-length dress. Her hair was strawberry blond, the red and gold strands blending together to form the hues. On her feet were high black pumps that brought out her unblemished legs. Basically, she looked like she walked out of a pageant. I would have very much liked to say she looked plastic, but I wasn't sure if my judgment was based upon her appearance or on the acquaintance that she seemed to have with Edward.

My gaze traveled back to Edward who kept staring at me like he had seen a ghost. Although I'm sure that all the blood had drained out of my face, so I could definitely resemble one. But I was frightened by the expressions drawn out on his features. He looked like someone had electrocuted him; his sculptured jaw was taut and his green eyes cried out in agony. The emotions on his face flashed before my eyes like an open grave. If I didn't know any better, I'd have said he was in pain. But pain from what? From seeing me? Was he frigging serious?

I felt my muscles tighten as anger riled up inside of me. "Could you please give me back my book?" I asked, when my voice box decided to function. The way he was staring at me was totally freaking me out. I didn't kill his mother, he was the one that did something to me, so why the painful glare?

Strawberry-blond-plastic-hottie-doll stomped on his foot for him to come down to earth.

"Oh, I'm sorry, here you go." His hands lifted upward to give me the ragged copy. I tried to avoid any contact with his, because one touch and I would definitely fade away.

But since the earth was naturally against me and Murphy's Law had to be proved to show that I was human and I couldn't be excused from evil, his fingers brushed mine as I collected the book. His hands were so cold; they felt like ice block against mine as they made contact. The innocent, intimate moment didn't last because as soon as I steadied myself, I took off.

I started running away from him as fast as I could, just exactly the way he had ran away from me. I ran past the people on the sidewalk with really no destination as to where I was going. I just wanted to be away from him. His pained face painted my memories. Why did he look in so much pain from seeing me? Was I really that bad, that just my mere sight could cause such repulsion?

Was it not enough that he thought I was insignificant in the way he treated me? Why in heaven's name did he still call me '_My Isabella_'? He lost the right to say that name years ago.

**_***Whispers of the Past***_**

Age 5:

"_Bells honey, I would like you to meet a friend of mine," my mother called me sweetly as I removed my eyes from the sand castle I was trying but failing to build. She bent her back lower to the little boy's height she was holding. "This is Edward." She smiled as she pushed him further to meet me. _

_The first thing that caught my attention was his hair. It was so scattered, it looked like it hadn't been washed in a week. My eyes moved to his face and found the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen. They were so intriguing to look at; they looked immaculate and gave off the vibe that they could pierce right into a soul. His face had a very serious look, as if he was trying to figure out what I was doing. _

"_He's aunt Esme's son, why don't you two play together while we discuss grown up things, alright?" she asked and I nodded in response. "Alright then, see you later." She kissed my forehead before leaving. _

_I wasn't sure why I wanted to talk to him, normally, I would have just gone back to work on my castle but something made me want to introduce myself. So I stood up and dusted my hands on my dress before sticking them out to shake him like my mom taught me. _

"_Hello, my name is Isabella. My friends call me Bella."_

"_Hi, _Isabella, _I'm Edward and my friends call me Edward." He left my hand hanging and dropped beside the sand castle. "You'll need water to make this stay," he said, studying the castle intently, as if he were trying to solve a math quiz. I propped right beside him. "And you have to mold it in this way or else the sand will not stay in the shape you want it to." He started gathering all the sand together, forming a heap. _

Age 17:

"_Goodbye Ty and thanks for everything." I stacked the pile of books on my left hand and turned to meet Edward at his locker. The hallway was empty since all the kids had already headed to the cafeteria for lunch. He was throwing all his books inside his locker with unnecessary force when I asked, "Edward, what's the matter?" _

_He threw a punch to the metallic door. "Nothing," he said in exasperation without even looking at me._

_Edward and I had been best friends for over ten years and I could tell whenever something was bothering him. But if he wasn't going to talk about it, then I wasn't going to pry. He would tell me whenever he was ready; it was kind of how we worked._

"_Alright then, I'm going for lunch. I'll see you after school?" I asked, hoping his sour mood would not make him avoid me. _

_We never communicated much in school due to his popularity status. He was a very handsome boy and most of the girls were head over heels for him. If I was caught seen with him, I would have been the center of attraction for gossip in the whole school and I couldn't risk that. Besides, if people saw us together, they would totally assume that there was something going on when there wasn't. The idea of that hope being increased by people who didn't even know us that well was too much to bear. I didn't want to jeopardize my friendship with him because I had suddenly grown feelings for him. He was my best friend, well after Alice, he was the next person who knew almost all of my secrets and he was oblivious to my feelings. There was no point if he didn't feel the same way. That was one of the reasons why I started dating Tyler to counteract the feelings for him even though it was futile._

"_Yeah whatever!" he fumed, and I decided to leave him to cool off. He rarely took out his anger on me and when he did, the regret that filled him afterwards made me feel guilty. "Wait Isabella," he called when I almost reached the end of the hallway. He walked down to meet me with his school bag slung over his shoulders. "I'm sorry," he whispered when he got close. "It's just that," he skimmed his hands through his hair, "I don't like seeing you with Tyler."_

_A puzzled expression colored my face. Tyler was a good guy, he was one of the sweetest guys I knew._

"_Why?"_

"_Nothing, I just don't like him," he finished bluntly._

_That was one of the reasons I never told him about my boyfriends, he would always take it too personal and then claim that he was trying to be a big brother to me. _

"_Well that doesn't give me any reason to stop seeing him. And I don't even know why I care whether you like him or not, it's me who's dating him," I replied him with the same tone he used and turned to walk away._

"_I don't want you seeing him," he called from behind me._

"_You can't tell me what to do!" I snarled in frustration. Why the hell did he feel he had to control everything!_

"_Damn it Bella!" He used his bag to hit one of the lockers. I turned back in astonishment; he had never called me that name before, never. He always called me Isabella because it annoyed me and since then, it stuck to him. "I want you to be mine!" _

_I continued staring at him with wild eyes. _

_The possessiveness in his tone should have made me flinch, but the way he blurted out that line just made my heart gallop. He wanted me. _

_His eyes softened when he saw my face and then he walked to me. "My Isabella," my name purred through his lips and caused my cheeks to heat up furiously. _

"_What?" I muttered, unable to wipe the huge smile spread across my face. _

"_My very own Isabella," he reciprocated with a dazzling smile and pushed my hair backwards. "My Isabella." He blew air to the side of my face but it couldn't cool up heat burning in my body. And from that day on, that was the name that fell from his lips whenever he called me. _

**_***Present***_**

I stopped running as my breaths came in heavy pants, sweat trickled down my face and my legs dragged on like they were attached to an anvil. I glimpsed back to the path I had run away from, to be sure I was out of his sight, and I was. I settled on one of the chairs by the sidewalk to steady my breathing and calm down.

I took out my phone from my bag and dialed Alice. She picked up on the first ring. _"Hello."_

"Hey Al, you busy?" I raked my hair and tried to stop myself from breaking down mentally and physically in public.

"_Are you alright? I'm just showing a couple a condo right now, what's wrong?"_

"I'm sorry for disturbing you; I didn't know you were busy. I just needed someone to come and pick me up."

"_Text me the address and I'll be there in fifteen."_

"Al, it's okay–" I got cut off by the abrupt dialing tone. I sighed and sent her a text of the location.

Alice Brandon was one of the best girlfriends anyone could ever ask for but she really needed to stop putting others before herself. Her kindness and generosity was definitely going to hand her betrayal someday. She had a fair share of jobs before she finally settled for real estate. She was very much interested in fashion; it was like her second love after Jasper. Unfortunately, after spending four years in College and obtaining a degree for her beloved passion, jobs weren't easy to find. She then decided to get a job as a secretary in a bank. Later she quit, claiming it was boring and not something she was into. After reading a book about a guy who wanted to work as a fashion designer but found his calling in real estate, she decided to give it a try. She went to school for two years and thereafter, started her job as a real estate agent. She developed a strong enthusiasm for it because of the similarities between it and her passion, the only difference was it dealt with houses instead.

Fifteen minutes later, Alice arrived in her yellow Porsche, wearing black skinny jeans with a light yellow-green blouse and gold Chanel earrings. She looked flashy and very glamorous. "Fuck, Bella. Why the hell are you here looking like a homeless person?"

"How do I look like a homeless person?" I retorted, if she wasn't always looking like a diva, maybe she would have thought I looked normal.

"You're wearing that brown hideous gypsy skirt and a blouse that seems older than my grandmother with books in your hands. I understand that you're a librarian but must you really carry your followers everywhere you go?"

I rolled my eyes and entered the car. Maybe that's why Edward was looking at me like I was from another planet. But then again, he knew my style of dressing so it shouldn't have really bothered him.

She got into the car, turned on the air conditioning and started driving. "I should suggest you watch '_What not to wear'_ every day before you step out of your house." She continued looking at the road through the windscreen. "Alright spill, something's wrong. If it wasn't you would have called Jake to pick you up instead."

"I saw him." I exhaled a deep breath and leaned further to the side of the seat, facing the window.

"Oh."

"What do you mean _'oh'_?" I turned to face her with a bewildering expression. "How do you even know who I'm talking about?"

"I'm not stupid Bella. If it was another _him_, you would have said his name. And we all know you see Jake every day. Plus you really don't socialize with members of the opposite specie…" she trailed off.

"How long did you know?"

"Jasper said he has been here for a week but I knew yesterday," she said in a faint voice, avoiding my face.

"You whore! How could you not tell me? Do you know what I've been through since, thinking I'm delusional hearing him? Not to talk of the fact that I bumped into him today."

"Now hold on tiger." She shot me a glance telling me to zip it before continuing, "I didn't want to tell you because you were finally happy with Jake. Damn it! The guy has been waiting for the perfect time to propose and suddenly Edward comes back. It wasn't going to be fair! Secondly, maybe you're really delusional hearing voices not speaking to you, who knows? And I didn't think you could possibly bump into him. Jeez, there are a lot of people in the world. You don't see me bumping into Taylor Kitsch and I've been wanting to for years." She huffed and patted the steering wheel.

I stared at her in disbelief. I wasn't sure what to address in her little rant, the issue that she kept this piece of information to herself or the fact that she just claimed her crush for Taylor when I had important matters to discuss.

"I don't even know what to say to you." I crossed my arms against my chest and watched the blur of trees pass by.

"You know what, fuck this shit." She turned the steering wheel and entered another lane diverting from the natural course to my house. "We're going to see Rose; you need to get this stuff out of your mind."

We made it to Rosalie's house in a few minutes due to Al's crazy driving. I wasn't in the mood to see Rose; she was quite antagonistic in matters involving men, men specifically born with the name Edward Cullen. I got down from the car and followed Alice to the front door.

"Oh God! Why are you bitches disturbing me by this time of the day?" A grouchy Rosalie opened the door with sleepy eyes, a scattered hair and a red night robe.

"What happened? You were banging Em all night that you had to sleep till…" Alice glanced at her watch. "12pm?"

Rosalie and Emmett had been married for four years now with their cute baby boy, Brady. Emmett was an electrical engineer while Rosalie had on and off jobs. She worked with a clothing line as a model before she had Brady, but then decided to put it off until he was at least a year old.

"I wish! No…Brady kept me all night with his fucking cries. I was so frustrated, I even cried myself to sleep." She hissed as she went to the living room to switch off the television. "Why the fuck are you two midgets here anyway?"

"Bella saw Edward," Alice answered as we all climbed the stairs to her bedroom.

Rosalie let out a long hiss and opened the door of her bedroom. Their house was big and beautifully decorated. Alice had found them one of the houses in the larger estates, the government reserved area, a little bit on the outskirts of Forks; she claimed it was pretty expensive. It was a four bedroom duplex with high ceilings, a kitchen, a living room and two bathrooms. The floors leading to the bedrooms were covered in a cream carpet while the rest were wooden and polished. Everything was furnished and adorned according to Rose's extravagant taste.

"You know Bella, this is going to come out rather harshly but your life doesn't revolve around Edward Cullen. I understand that the breakup was brutal but it's been six fucking years of you repairing yourself. You cannot be breaking down every minute you see or hear about him. He's not dead. There's a possibility that he'll always be around so deal with it," she blurted out in aggravation and threw some outfits from her wardrobe on her bed. "Jake is a pretty nice guy and he's asked you to marry him, could you just be happy for once and fucking leave issues concerning Edward?"

And that right there was one of the reasons why I didn't like Rosalie Hale McCarty. She was so blunt and impassive.

"Hey mouse," she called Alice, who seemed to be glued to her phone in a texting convo. "Where are we going?"

"Wear shorts or jean," she replied, still engrossed with her business.

"Rose, you don't know what it was like. You didn't feel it, it didn't happen to you. Do you think that someone can just wake up and feel alright after that?"

I was not going to have her condemn me for being emotional after this issue. This man was the love of my life and he left me after we spent a whole lifetime building what we had.

"I was there!" Rosalie snapped. "I watched you breakdown. Everyone was there. We all saw you. Fuck it! Bella give it up! I gave you time to mourn your lost soul, two years was enough for your wallowing. And now the man who has been there every step of the way has proposed and the next thing you do is think about the past," she barked back and entered her gigantic bathroom.

"How would you feel if Emmett did that to you? Tell me because I really want to know." I followed her and stood by the doorway, watching as she squeezed the toothpaste on her blue toothbrush.

"You know what I'd do? I'd fucking castrate him to make sure he doesn't get to do that to another woman. But if I can't find him in two years, then I'd move on!" She stuck the brush into her mouth and began brushing her teeth furiously.

"Rose, I didn't bring her here for you to butcher her, I just wanted you to shapen her a little." Alice joined in.

"I LOVED HIM! I loved him. Everyone told me it wouldn't work that I should wait but I trusted him and he betrayed me! Are you frigging serious about telling me to move on? Most women don't even recover after that, they don't even get married. It was a whole life time and I gave him everything. The stupid bastard, I gave him me!" I screamed as the tears and all the revelations slammed me in full force.

I was surprised at my outburst. I had been holding it together since I saw his face but it was too much. I felt like burning. The fire raged inside of me, and to think he had the guts to have another woman beside him only added more fuel. I was the only one he was supposed to see. The only one he was supposed to love. The one he promised he'd never leave. The one he left without an explanation. If there was something wrong, he could have told me. We were so close. Yet he thought I was unimportant, that his decisions wouldn't affect me. We struggled and built this foundation that was based on hopes and dreams, our future and he shattered it all without a single word.

I was never going to forgive him.

After a few minutes, I felt four hands hold me as I cried out the inbuilt pain that was threatening to crumble me into pieces. The pain was suffocating my insides, all the years I spent hoping and praying. All the lies, the hurt, the time, everything spilled down in the form of tears. I hadn't fully confronted it since the time it happened. I didn't believe it, I thought I was just having a nightmare but seeing him today made me feel it was real. The fact that I was going to relive the whole situation was taunting. I was gamophobic, and I wasn't sure if Jacob would do the same thing to me. I knew he was a good guy but the fear of being bruised again was horrific.

"Shhsh," Alice hushed me as they began rocking me back and forth. "We are here for you and we know this isn't going to be easy but we're here, alright?" I nodded my head dumbly because words were stuck in my throat.

"I'm going to take a shower. I'll be right out soon and we can go out." I felt Rose's hands leave my body and heard her quiet steps to the bathroom.

I laid on the couch in the living room, my head on Alice's laps as she tried to comfort me by running her hands though my hair softly. Rose got dressed in thirty minutes. She came out of her bedroom in white Capri pants and a camouflage tank top with a silver playboy bunny logo on it and white strapped heels. Alice vehemently refused that I go in my current outfit, so we had to go to my apartment to change before heading out.

"Alice, are you kidding me? This of all places is where you decided for us to go?" I asked incredulously as I signed the indemnity form and ticked no for all the places inquiring for medical issues.

"What? It relieves stress, so I heard. It will help you feel a lot better trust me." She winked and handed the form to the instructor.

I finished filling my form and submitted it before going to check our body weight.

"What kind of jumping would you like to do?" the instructor asked. "Bungee trampoline? Bungee rocket? Or Tandem Bungee?"

Alice and I looked at the little flyer to understand what each of them meant.

"Um…" she started with her index finger between her lips."How about Tandem Bungee, the lovers leap?"

"Are you insane?" My head snapped to her direction in shock.

"What? We'll both be tied together and then fall. It'll be fun."

"I'm sorry but I think bungee trampoline is safer, that way we'll be sure we're landing on the trampoline and not possibly a thousand feet in air."

Before I even finished my little babble, Alice had informed the instructor that we would be doing the lovers' leap. The instructor made us wait for a while so they could find the right type of bungee cord that would balance the both of us.

After a few minutes of biting and chewing all my nails, the jump master arrived and gave us a lesson on few techniques of how to jump. We were going to jump from a board that was fixed on one of the higher rocks close to the Peninsula Lake. We weren't going to land in the water but we were going to come in close proximity with it.

"Oh lord, Al! Why in heaven's name did you talk me into this?" I looked at her, almost wanting to smack the smile off her face as the jump master strapped us tight with the black elastic bungee cord.

"It will be fine B."

"Rose, please, please I'm begging you don't make me do this alone with this psychopath!" I shouted to Rose who was standing at the bottom in between one of the rocks close to the lake.

"Hell no! I have a child and a loving husband back home that would terribly miss me if I die. I don't think I'm ready to give up on earth yet." She smiled. It never struck me that the hardcore Rosalie was afraid of heights. She was such a coward under that tough mask. "You guys just signed your death wish. If you see Royce, tell him I said hi."

"Now ladies remember, don't look down. It might make this worse," the jump master said, ensuring for the last time that we were safely strapped.

Reverse psychology began to work on me. The moment he said not to look down was the moment my eyes drifted to the bottom of the lake and the panic set in. Fear coursed through my veins at a rapid rate and I felt a tightening in my stomach as it twisted in knots. My heart started speeding at the sight of the tremendous height that we were about to dive into. There was a huge reason why they insisted not to look down. I clearly lacked obedience.

"Let it go Bella, let all of it go," Alice whispered as our bodies rubbed each other unconsciously.

"Alright ladies, ready?" the jump master shouted.

"Yep!" Alice answered, slipping her fingers through mine and holding them tightly in a fist.

"If we die Al, I'm going to make–OH MY FUCKING GOD!" I screamed as our legs left the board and we were off into air.

I couldn't stop screaming and I was definitely sure if Alice wasn't already dead, then she'd be deaf by the time we got out of this. The wind gusted through my face and whirled my hair around. My senses were sharp and the adrenaline began pumping at a fast rate. It felt like as if my heart was going to come out from my mouth, my ears were banging loudly. And for a second, I was so sure I was going to die. It was frightening as the rope hovered us to the top of the lake, it felt good. I felt alive. It was great to be hanging in the air, but I was very sure it wouldn't have been that superb if the cord wasn't holding us.

"Oh fuck Bella! That was insane," Alice squealed as the rope began to drag us up slowly.

I was shocked at the disappointment I felt. I wanted to jump again to enjoy that brief feeling of joy and temporary bliss. After we made it safely to the top, my stomach disagreed with me about the jump, because I had to rush to the bathroom to heave. Alice later dropped me home and took off with Rosalie.

I changed into my sleeping attire and took Advil to alleviate the headache I was feeling. Alice said jumping would relieve the stress but it created a whole new load of problems for me. There was no way I was ever listening to her again. My phone buzzed and I looked at the screen to find out it was Jake.

**_Hey baby, how was the jump? _**

I smiled and sent my reply. **_Hell, I miss you. Come over._**

When my phone started blasting out its obnoxious ringtone, I answered it thinking it was Jake.

"Jake, could you come over? My head is killing me." I whined into the receiver and was answered with silence.

"_Isabella,"_ the velvet voice replied after a few seconds. _"Please, I need to talk to you,"_ Edward pleaded in a distressed tone.

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**Hmm…wonder what he wants to talk about, should Bella listen to him? Leave me some sweets please?**


	4. Roses too have Thorns

**A/N: Dear readers, thank you so much for the reviews/favorites/story alerts, they always make me so happy when I see them in my inbox! It's always good to hear your thoughts on the story, because I use some of them. Now as for the last chapter, Wow, I was surprised. I didn't know Edward could ever be hated. I mean, you guys didn't even know what he did but you're ready to crush him. I feel so bad for him right now and I really hope you don't hate him after this chapter.**

**Now you're all amazing but my beta (Kuntrygal) is awesome! Not only did she use her magic whip with this chapter, she actually made me reveal what happened between them, so thank her (check out all her stories & leave some love)**

**WARNING: Some sexual content is displayed here…**

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**Roses too have Thorns**

"_Isabella," _the velvet voice replied after a few seconds. _"Please I need to talk to you,"_ Edward pleaded in a distressed tone.

Five seconds…

Ten seconds…

Fifteen seconds…

"_Isabella, are you still there?"_ the sexy melodic voice asked.

"Yeah," I replied, walking off to the couch to sit down.

"_I need to talk to you, could we meet up somewhere? Maybe the park?"_

There were two things to consider about this request. First of all, I wasn't so sure if I wanted to see him. I knew the drill; he was going to offer an explanation on why he did what he did, even though there was nothing that he could come up with that would make me understand. So I either had to say 'yes' and listen to the stupid excuse, or whatever he was going to construct. If I heard him out, I would be giving him a chance to express himself and at the end, he may actually come up with nothing, as they usually do. Or I could say 'no' and deny myself the truth I deserved and also what I had been waiting for all these years. But at this point, I wasn't starting to wonder if it really mattered since I was already with Jacob.

Secondly, the location, he wanted to take us back to where it had all started, well where our supposed 'marriage' was to begin. But there was no way I was going back there _alone_ with _him_. If there were no witnesses, I would have committed two crimes. One of which would be my betrayal to Jacob, my body was still strongly attracted to him and I couldn't do that to Jake. Second, would have been his _death_. I wouldn't have even paid attention to the crap he was going to offer me if we were at the park. My mind would have just constantly replayed all the failed promises which would have eventually led again to his _demise_. So either way, he was going to _die_ at that park and then I'd be sent to jail leaving my dear fiancé in shame and disappointment which was also very similar to what Edward did to me. It would have become the never ending cycle and I wasn't going to be a hypocrite.

"No not the park."

_Wait so I'm actually agreeing to this?_

"How about the Starbucks coffee shop, the one we used to go to by the corner?"

_Yup**, **I'msoscrewed**. **_

"_Okay, tomorrow at noon?"_

"Yeah."

"_Goodnight my Isabella, see you soon."_

Before I could even show my disapproval about him calling me that name, he hung up. Why didn't everyone wait for what I had to say before cutting off?

I sighed and breezed through the channels on TV but there was nothing interesting, why I paid for cable, I would never understand.

My brain floated in utter confusion as I thought back to the decision I had made. Was it right for me to see him again? The location was perfect, there were witnesses, no dangerous equipments, and I could create an acceptable distance between me and him. Why was I going to see him? I knew the answer but I had moved on, was it necessary to know? And what about Jake, was I supposed to tell him of this meeting? How was he going to take it? I finally considered that there was nothing to tell Jake. I was just going to have a drink with an old ex. I had to do this on my own without anyone's input. I had to do what I wanted to, I had to know. The curiosity was what led me to say 'yes'.

"Hey baby," Jake called as I heard the click of the door locking. "Are you feeling alright now?" he asked as he appeared before me, looking suave as ever.

"Better now that you're here." I shot him a warm smile. "How was your meeting?"

"Great." He sat down beside me and kissed my forehead. "Still having a headache?" he turned to me, tucking a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

I shook my head, relishing his soft touch against my skin.

"So we are going for the barbecue party and we'll get to see my father tomorrow that should be fun," his tone dripped with sarcasm as he dropped the keys on the table.

"Yeah it should," I scooted myself closer to him, my legs swathing themselves on top of him.

The relationship between my family and the men that dominated my life was quite funny. Renee was best friends with Esme; Edward's mum while Charlie was best friends with Billy, Jacob's dad.

"We should get you to bed, you must be really tired." He wrapped my legs around his waist and carried me to the bedroom.

He kicked off his shoes to the corner before we collapsed together on the king sized bed. He pushed me softly to his chest, wrapping me tightly and planting soft kisses on my temples.

"I can't wait till I make you my wife," he whispered as we drifted off to sleep.

~!&!~

I woke up the next day and felt a pang of guilt for not informing Jake where I was going to today before I left. He decided to go and visit his friend before picking me up for the family gathering. I got up and took a hot shower before dressing up. I wasn't sure what to wear to see Edward. I had this urge to wear something sexy so I could rub it in his face on what he was missing. After gazing at my closet and finally coming to the conclusion that there was indeed nothing sexy to make that ploy work, I settled for a white spaghetti strap dress which stopped at my knee. I placed on light make up and wore my brown strapped sandals and carried a black leather jacket that Jake had bought for me for no good reason.

Today was quite sunny, the birds were flying freely in the sky; (making me envious at them for having such grace), people were sitting on the sidewalk reading newspapers and children were playing on the playground. It was almost a short walk to the shop. When I got there, I contemplated on whether I was doing the right thing showing up. I walked to the door and away from it three good times before I just got the balls and entered. I was sure people were wondering if I was on drugs or something. It didn't help also that I felt he might have seen me and my little back and forth game.

I looked around and found him sitting at the left corner. As soon as my eyes landed on him, he stood up briskly and came to my side.

"Hey," his voice cracked a little as he guided me to the seat he had kept for me. "I ordered a strawberry frappuccino with lots of whip cream just how you like it, I hope that's okay?" he said with some uncertainty, handing me the frappuccino. He carried on with his chivalrous manners by waiting for me to sit down before he took his seat.

"Thanks." I swirled my straw around the drink, staring at the whip cream as my mind wandered to one of our escapades.

_*****Roses*****_

"_Edward Cullen!" I tried to scream as laughter erupted from my chest._

_He tied my hands together with his blue striped tie. "Oh I'm so gonna teach you all about Starbucks and their fucking whipped creams," he said feigning a deep seductive deadly tone but one look at my face; which was trying to combust into laughter, dissipated him and sent him chuckling._

"_Edward you're my fiancé. Trust me the guy at Starbucks is hot but he has nothing on you, well except for the fact that he makes a wicked frappuccino with lots of whip cream…" I giggled as I watched his face scrunch up._

"_You know what, Isabella Marie Swan Cullen." He carried my body from the bed and placed me on the soft carpet. "I'm going to show you all about whip cream." He dragged me on the floor using the tie all the way to the kitchen. "By the time I'm done with you, every time you go to that fucking Starbucks and see fucking whip cream guy, you'll remember me," he smirked and opened the kitchen cabinets. _

_He placed a small metal bowl inside the freezer and got out a small pack of cream from the fridge along with a pack of powdered sugar and a whisk from the cabinet._

"_Edward, this is ridiculous. You've never made whipped cream before and-"_

"_My Isabella, can you shut your pretty little mouth? I'm fucking trying to concentrate here." He got out the bowl from the freezer, poured the liquid cream inside and began whisking it. He added some teaspoons of sugar to the mix and continued whisking._

_After a few minutes, he took out the spoon from the cupboard and some strawberries from the fridge before coming to meet me lying on the floor._

"_Edward, I just had a shower and-" I got cut off as he shoved a cold strawberry fruit into my mouth._

"_Time to get down to business," he said with a wicked grin as he held my right leg in his palm. He scooped the cream with a spoon and spread it all over my leg, trailing it all the way to my thighs. The motion was stopped when he got obstructed with his buttoned down shirt covering the upper section of my body. In a fluid moment, he ripped the poor shirt, sending all the buttons flying to various directions of the kitchen. _

_He lifted my back a little, took off the shirt and left it lingering at the junction where my hands were tied before continuing his previous mission. When the whipped cream had covered a zig zag pattern from my right leg to my thigh, to my stomach, all the way to my mouth, he stopped and admired his work with a smug smile._

"_So you like whip cream huh? You've seen nothing yet," he smiled peevishly and kissed each one of my toes on the leg covered with cream._

_My body writhed with pleasure and just the sight of him kissing my feet erotically were sending waves of bliss through my nerves. His pink tongue emerged from his mouth and he started licking the trace of cream all the way to my thighs. I arched my body a little, trying to push him to the location of my desire but he ignored me._

_Jerk!_

_My head thrashed backward as his tongue circled over my belly button and the need to run my fingers through his hair was increasingly painful to digest. My teeth were piercing into the fruit and the juice was sipping through and flowing into my mouth._

"_No sweetheart, that fruit isn't for you, it's for my satisfaction. If you eat it, I'll fucking devour you."_

_The thought of him eating me made my body quiver in delight. He continued his torturous licking till he came to the valley between my breasts. My right leg was placed over his shoulder and I watched as he bent his head and licked a clean swipe over my bra-covered breasts. His teeth pulled my nipples into his mouth, arousing all my senses and riling me up before he stopped and reached my mouth. _

"_Mmmm…" he moaned. "I see why you like whip cream with your frappuccino dear, the taste is fucking fantastic," he grinned widely, displaying his set of white teeth._

_His tongue licked the side of mouth and if my lip wasn't biting the hell out of the fruit, it would have chewed my lower lip._

"_I'm so glad you're mine." His pupils seemed to dilate as he took the fruit from my mouth. He chewed it softly, closing his eyes and savoring the sweet taste._

_The innocent chewing mechanism was driving me nuts so I pushed him forward to me with my leg. His legs rested on the floor with my head in between them. His lips descended on mine, licking my lower lip before pulling me into a kiss._

_I moved my tied hands over his head, pushing it roughly to mine and deepening the kiss. The shirt covered our face like a tent. His tongue explored the walls of my mouth, before gliding, caressing and rolling off with my tongue. _

I snapped back to the man in front of me, pushing away all the sex dreams and illegal thoughts of him when he was just close to me. The silence was deafening and uncomfortable. It was quite strange because we had never been like this before. Whenever we were this quiet, it was because we were enjoying each other's company in silence and appreciating the tender touches of our bodies being close. It was either in moments where we were watching TV, eating dinner, reading books, or any other thing. We would be locked in each other's arms, comforting ourselves with our fingers in the most innocent way.

But this was different, we were separated by the small rectangular table, sitting across from each other and avoiding eye contact. There was a huge elephant in the room and we needed to push it out before we continued.

My eyes roamed around the shop before returning back to Edward, who was very much focusing on the brown paper wrapped around his latte with a pensive look on his face. I felt like eons were passing by as I watched his hands fumble with the paper.

I cleared my throat, hoping to wake him up from his reverie because let's face it; I had other things to do than stare at Edward Cullen even if he was gorgeous to mope at.

"How have you been?" his green eyes shot to me, and the quick movement almost caused to me to fall out of the chair. But then again, maybe it was just my natural self intervening.

"Great," I said in a detached tone, rubbing soothing circles over my arms. "You?"

_Not that I care…_

"Okay," a crease formed between his eyebrows.

_Sure you're okay, you're with blond bombshell._

At that thought, my childishness that had been locked up somewhere and thrown below the sea resurfaced. I used my thumb to roll the beautiful ring around my finger, showing off the engagement ring. I couldn't fathom why I needed him to see it but he had to know that I had moved on even though my body was physically craving for him.

"I see you're engaged," he seemed to choke on the last word.

_Good!_

"Yeah, Jake's a sweet guy," I said with a crisp smile.

The familiar painful appearance polished his face and he pushed his latte away from himself.

"Isabella, fuck…I don't know what to say. I'm sorry," he struggled with the words, his eyelids tightening shut as if all the air had been knocked out from him.

My fingers ached to comfort him but my mind fought against it.

"Really," I laughed hysterically. "You're sorry? That's all you have to say; you're sorry? I waited for six years just to listening to two words? Come on Cullen, you can do so much better than that. You're smarter than that. You owe me more than that! I've waited this long, give me something else. Lie to me,"

"What do you want me to fucking say Isabella? I was an asshole." He raked his hair in frustration.

"No no no," I shook my head furiously. "You weren't an asshole, or a dickhead or even a prick. You were selfish, you were cruel and a coward. You were everything I thought you weren't. You disappointed me. I argued with my mother for you! And you sealed everything without even a word. Not even a call or a letter, nothing. I waited for you that day. Everyone waited and you just left. Did you even see me? Emmett had to do your dirty job for you; you didn't even have the courtesy to do it yourself. You idiot!"

My voice came out a little higher than I expected and attracted some listeners.

My façade on appearing smooth, calm and deadly was definitely crushed at that point; I stood up and walked out of the shop before I could cause any more scenes.

"Isabella please wait," he called after me as I walked on the street.

"Isabella," he gripped my arms and swiveled me to face him with his back pressed against the wall.

"Please…" he sounded wounded as he pushed my body to his. "Fuck! I'm so sorry. I tried but it was just so much and yes I was a coward but I've had to fucking live without you for six years as my punishment. I burned in my own hell for breaking you," his hands cradled my face. "I just needed to grow the fuck up a little and be sure it was the right thing I was doing, that I was the right thing for you. I was wrong for leaving, I know that now. And even though I didn't contact you, I want you to know that you were with me, each day in my thoughts. Please…" his sweet breath was warm on my ears, sending tingles all over my body. "I'm fucking yours, I'll always be yours. Please just give me a second chance. I'll use forever to make it up for you. I need you, I want you, I love you. God! I'm fucking sorry,' he placed a soft kiss on my nape, causing an electric feeling to soar through my body.

The temptation to pull his lips to mine and kiss him senselessly was strong. I kept on chanting in my head that I was livid with him but my body was quickly molding with his, reacting in a way that it only reacted with him. I needed to breathe, his scent was beautiful but it was overpowering me.

_You're engaged to Jacob Black_.

I adjusted myself a bit and placed my lips against his ear and whispered. "You're too late."

I removed myself from his warm comforting grasp and fought the will to frown at the loss of attachment. I walked back to the direction of my house, thanking God that he didn't follow me. I wasn't sure if my resistance was strong enough to be tested around for a second time.

"Bella," Billy called, spreading out his arms to secure me into a warm embrace as we entered the house.

"Hello Billy, how are you doing today?" I asked, hugging him.

"Pretty good, you're father is here. Everyone's at the back having barbecue." He smiled.

I left Jacob and his father alone together in case they needed some 'father and son' time. Billy's house wasn't really that large, he was a very conservative person and one could see that from the way he lived his life. The house was a three bedroom flat, decorated with ancient tribal designs and old antiques. Billy had lost his wife in a car accident when Jacob was seventeen and he ended up in a wheel chair, so Jacob had to find a house that was comfortable for him to move around. When it was time for Jacob to move out, he was a little reluctant because he didn't want Billy to be alone. But after a lot of convincing and friends who offered to visit Billy, he agreed. And even on top of that, Jacob still made sure he came to see his father once a week.

Today was Emily's birthday; she was the wife of Sam Carter who was one of Jacob's close friends. We had all met four years ago when I started dating Jacob officially.

"Oh look who's here, it's Ms. Pretty," Seth offered me a warm smile as I stepped out to the backyard.

Seth was one of my close friends who had introduced me to Jacob.

"Hey Seth, how've you been?" I asked as he led me to where the rest of the crew was.

"Just managing, you know same old same old. I'm actually looking for a wife; maybe you could help me with that."

"Sure just tell me all requirements and I would go to the La Push market and fetch one for you." We both broke into laughter.

Seth always made jokes about marriage because of how everyone around him were either married or getting married, well everyone except his sister, Leah. Seth and Jacob claimed that she hadn't found a husband because of her stubborn character and her bitchy attitude. I always told them that Rosalie was like that and she ended up with Emmett and then they retorted it with the fact that some are lucky and some aren't. It was quite funny but she never took it seriously. I knew there was a reason for her distance towards men, maybe a bad relationship but she never talked about it and I wasn't one to pry.

"Bella," Emily dropped her plate with Sam and scurried towards me. "I'm so glad you could make it. I haven't seen you since, has Jake been hiding you again?"

"Not really," I smiled. "Here's your birthday gift, it's from both of us. Happy birthday." I handed her the package with a giant card.

"Thank you so much." She collected it from me and gave me a hug.

After a few minutes, Jake and Billy came to join us. Charlie was apparently having a phone call. We all sat down in a circle, ate and drank. Sam's barbecued ribs were the best I had ever tasted. I was tempted to ask him if he could come make them for me at home. They each shared stories of what was currently going on in their lives, discussing about children, Kim was pregnant for Jared for the second time. When it came to my turn to say something, as if anything happening in my life was intriguing, I escaped to the kitchen.

Charlie had just finished talking on his cell when I entered.

"Hey dad," I greeted him and opened the fridge.

"Hey kid, haven't seen you around lately, how's everything going?"

"Great." I opened a bottle of beer and took a small gulp.

Charlie and I didn't have the kind of relationship most fathers and daughters had. We hardly had anything to talk about and we were both okay about it. He was very quiet except whenever he wanted to express his concerns about something. We stood for a few minutes in silence as I almost finished my drink.

I was about to walk out when he spoke again, "So I heard Cullen is around," he started mildly.

I took a deep breath before turning around to face him. He and Edward weren't on the best terms right now, in fact they were never in good terms. Charlie was always looking for a way to tag him in an offense so he'd have an excuse to arrest him beat the crap out of him and finally shoot him but Edward never fell and it pissed Charlie off (although, I could allow him do it now). But sometimes their constant bickering just weakened me and even when Edward didn't do anything wrong, Charlie would always find a way to complain about him.

"Yeah."

"Is he married?"

"What the hell is my business if he's married or not?" I retorted.

"I'm just asking because you're getting married and I don't want any more interruptions to happen with your wedding."

"I'm not leaving Jake if that's what you're asking."

I pulled another beer of the fridge. It was probably a good idea to stop, alcohol never really worked well with my system.

"Good, because he's a good kid and he's been here for a long time."

_Here we go…_

"So what? Edward has been here for a long time too, I've known him for almost all my life."

"That's not what I meant," he sighed. "Why must you always side that boy?"

"I'm not siding him, I'm just stating facts."

"I just don't want you to do something stupid."

"Stupid like what? Dad, I'm not a kid anymore. I know what right and wrong are."

"Not when it includes that boy, you don't."

"I don't want to talk about this," I reached for another bottle in the fridge.

"He left you, Bella. I'm only emphasizing this point because I know when he meets you; you'll run to him like as if nothing ever happened."

"Don't you dare say that! You don't know anything," I hissed.

"I'm saying the truth and you know it. He has always been able to get away with everything because you are always there when he comes back, waiting."

"Are you saying it's my fault he left, because he could come back?"

"I'm not saying that."

"Whatever, dad."

"I'm going, I don't want to start an argument with you." He picked up his drink and left.

_*****Thorns*****_

"_Edward is becoming late; he was supposed to be here an hour ago. What if something happened to him?" I asked; fidgeting with the loose thread hanging out from the white laced gloves as Alice gave me a reassuring smile._

_She had been acting strange for the past ten minutes, I wanted to ask her what was wrong but I was trying to deal with the nervousness that was building inside of me. Today was my wedding day, I had specifically told Alice and Rosalie that I wanted to wear sneakers but the mask of horror that came upon their faces shut me up. Now I was stuck with the six inch high heel which due to my natural state of clumsiness, would make me embarrass myself on the aisle by falling forward before I even make it to Edward._

_I had dreamed of this day plenty times and the notion that it was finally happening was making me sweat, not to talk of the huge white dress that had covered my entire body. I was glad I was only getting married once; there was no way I ever wanted to wear this dress again. But it was all for him, all to see his face glow as I walked to meet him before he claimed me. So I was willing to sacrifice this little thing just for him._

"_Bella, can I talk to you for a minute?" Jasper popped his head through the rolled passenger windows with an expression I couldn't read._

"_Okay," I warily answered as I got down from the car._

_The whole bridal train was waiting outside for the ceremony to begin and for them to introduce me. When I got down, I noticed people were busying themselves with something. Charlie's face looked like he was ready to get out his gun and shoot someone. My mother, Renee was facing the front of the chapel so I couldn't really know what was going on with her. Esme and Carlisle were shooting me concerned looks along with Jasper. Rosalie's eyes were fixed on Emmett, who kept on shifting foot to foot and concentrating on something on the ground. I looked to where his feet was, wondering what he could possibly be admiring with so much intensity but I was left with just brown sand. _

"_What is going on?" I asked, hoping that whatever was making them feel this way would snap immediately._

"_Bella," Emmett's head finally shot up, his face looked broken like someone had died. _

_My heart sank right away as different thoughts of Edward getting into a car accident flooded my brain._

"_Is something wrong with Edward?" my voice barely asked. _

_Emmett looked a little bit uncomfortable before he made eye contact with me. "No nothing happened to Edward." His usual loud masculine voice now sounded like a child who had been crying._

"_Then where is he? He was supposed to be here an hour ago. We have to hurry up and make it to the reception." I glanced at my watch, wondering if he had gotten lost. The journey from his house to the church wasn't that far, he should have made it here by now._

"_He's not coming," Emmett coughed out, and everyone who had been too busy focused on something suddenly snapped in my direction._

"_What do you mean he's not coming?" I could almost feel my breath shortening and my chest tightening. "Is this some kind of a sick joke?"_

"_Bella honey." My mother walked toward me but I moved away from her._

"_Emmett. Today is my wedding day; people are in the chapel waiting. Don't tell me bullshit. Go and find him and bring his ass here," I said with blunt intensity. _

"_Bella, he isn't coming for the wedding. We don't know where he is, we have been trying to contact him since that was until he called Emmett and told him to…" Renee blurted out softly_

"_NO! He can't do this to me! He said he was going to be here. I spoke to him this morning." I felt the ground beneath me crumbling as I broke down. _

_Emmett moved closer to me and I tried to steady myself. As soon as I felt his warm body touch me, I started lashing out. I punched him; I punched him hard as the tears clouded my vision. _

"_He promised he won't leave me. How could he do this to me?" I gasped wildly and suddenly it became very hard to breathe. I started panicking and everyone gathered around me…_

"Bella, I've been looking for you. Everyone's outside, what are you doing in here?" Jacob walked into the kitchen as I sat on the kitchen island drinking my beer.

"Jacob," my voice came out a little weird, it seemed like I sang his name.

_Yeah, the alcohol…bad idea._

"Sugar, are you drunk?" Jake chuckled as he slipped his hands around my waist and looked at my face.

"Oh baby, kiss me." My hands slung around his neck and I pulled him closer to me.

He stood between my legs and I wrapped them around his waist. I assaulted his neck, pouring open mouthed kisses along his nape.

_Edward's growl when I kissed his earlobe._

I kissed Jacob's earlobe and took it in between my teeth, hoping to hear that sexy growl but was rewarded by Jake's moan.

_Edward's soft hair beneath my fingertips._

I flipped my hands through Jake's short black hair.

_Edward's sweet mouth blowing out expletives when I grab his dick._

My hands slipped into Jake's jeans and grabbed his huge cock in between my palms, massaging it rapidly. He became hard in my fingers.

"Bella…" he stammered into my ears. "Oh god that feels so good…"

_Edward's moan when I kiss his Adam's apple._

My lips fell to Jake's Adam's apple as I placed a soft kiss on it.

"Bella…" Jake groaned.

My dress shifted upward slightly and I led Jake's hands into my panties as I captured his mouth into a deep sensual kiss.

"Bella, we're …in...damn you're so wet!" he stammered as his fingers made contact with my center. "Baby, we can't do this here, we're still at my dad's house."

_Edward's grunt when I whisper 'Please' seductively in his ear._

"Please…" not sure if that worked, because I think I sounded like a strained cat.

"Oh baby…you know it's hard for me to deny you anything," he purred into my ears.

_Bingo._

His fingers slipped into my hole and I gasped as they curved slightly inside. The feeling was sending different exhilarating sensations throughout my body. I felt my whole body heat up and I bucked my hips.

_Edward's voice. "Fuck sweetheart! You're so sexy when you look at me like that."_

"Baby, do you like that?" Jake's hoarse whisper filled my ears and I nodded my head in response.

"_Sweetheart, come for me. Let me hear my name fall from your lips."_

The tension was too much, my whole body was shaking with so much desire as Jake plunged another finger into me, I couldn't hold it any longer.

_Please make me forget him…_

My walls contracted as his name came out from my lips and I came violently in the kitchen.

* * *

**I did something really funny here, if you caught it. Wonder whose name she screamed. I do hope it's Jake's name for his sake.**


	5. I'm no stranger in your dreams

**A/N: Dear readers, THANK YOU SO FRIGGING MUCH for your kind reviews/story alerts/favorites. It's always good to hear some feedback; it gives me the fuel to write. **

**I want to thank Lambcullen for just being so awesome and fishing new readers for me, I feel so proud right now. Thanks a lot! **

**Lastly, my boss is just AMAZING. Between, my boss is my (sweet with lots of whip cream on the top) beta which is Kuntrygal. She's just *words can't describe*. I'm so glad she hasn't blocked me for harassing her on Gmail, thanks sweetie! She created a thread for this story on Twilighted, check it out on my profile. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Edward, Bella and Jacob are just pawns on my chessboard. **

* * *

***I'm no stranger in your dreams***

Dreams of the past*

"_So I've decided that we're spending our honeymoon on a boat," Edward snaked his arms around my waist as we stood on the balcony._

_The white clouds drifted peacefully in the sky and the bright orange sun hung low as it got ready for the moon to dominate over the night. The sky was separated in two beautiful layers. The light blue painted the top part and slowly dissolved into a fiery red-orange colour. The birds flew across it, making the whole scene look like an artist's work._

"_What?!" My head tilted slightly to see his face as he buried his head into my shoulders, entrancing me with soft kisses. "I'm gonna get sea sick," I tightened my hold on the iron rails, trying to steady myself from the waves of delight that were threatening to push me out of the balcony._

"_You'll be fine sweetheart, it'll be like Titanic. We'll be like Jack Dawson and Rose, enjoying the beautiful horizon with the ripples of water below us. It would be like a fucking complete paradise." His chin rested on my shoulders while his hands drew lazy circles on my arms._

"_We'll drown like them, can't you remember the end? He froze to death and she had to live without him for the rest of her life," I shuddered, as my mind began cooking up vivid images of horrific ways one could die on a boat. "How could you even use an example like that?"_

_He emitted a chuckle. "My Isabella, why are you so fucking pessimistic? You know I'll never let anything happen to you,"_

_I huffed and turned my attention to the view in front of me. "Yes you will, you'll probably give me your life jacket or something along those Dawson's lines and that's letting something happen."_

"_I'm not that modest love," his face broke into a smile and I stared at him in disbelief. "I'm kidding," he laughed. "Yes, it would be rather cliché not to talk of unoriginal doing something Dawson did but if it's the only way, yeah. I'd rather fucking die than watch you slip away from me."_

_The air suddenly became chilly and goosebumps sputtered along the lines of my arms. "Let's stop talking about death, alright?"_

"_My Isabella, I'm not going anywhere…"_

~*~*~*&*~*~*~

"Alright sleeping beauty get your lazy ass off the bed," I heard a rat's voice squeak into the walls of my ears as the duvet that had been wrapped securely around my body, providing me with warmth, slipped away.

How much had I drank that I could hear a rat talking to me? And how was it possible that it interrupted my dreams and was able to drag a quilt off my body? Alcohol definitely made me hallucinate.

I tried opening my eyes, but the reality of waking up when my whole limbs felt like they had been pushed to the bottom of a lake made me roll uncomfortably on the bed to exercise the stiff muscles. My head felt like someone was drilling through it and unloosening some screws, trying to hit that perfect spot on my skull so everything could crumble to pieces. I could definitely understand why people claimed they were _high_ after drinking so much, the idea that you were about to ascend into heaven when it wasn't even your time was excruciatingly painful. It was totally different from bungee jumping.

I heard the rat squeak again for the second time in a haste to wake me up and finally my brain registered it was Alice. Her voice was making my head pound, and she was about sent me to the morgue when she opened the curtains and let the stream of sunlight to hit exactly where my eye lids were struggling to open.

"Oh lord!" I shrieked and my hands leapt out to seek for the warm comforter.

I never really understood why I was such a generous person. I thought giving my best friend and my boyfriend – now fiancé – soon to be husband, the keys to my apartment was making my life incredibly easier. It wasn't.

_Why the hell was she here?_

"It's Monday morning, wake the fuck up. The perfect fucking day of the week has arrived," she screeched, the sound actually felt like a car turning sharply at a corner.

_Who even says Monday is the perfect day without being sarcastic?_

"Shouldn't you be at work or having a life?" I rubbed my forehead as if the internal pain could be subsided by the physical mechanism of touch.

"Yeah, but there are no houses to show today," she hopped on the bed, removed her purple pumps and tucked her legs under each other. "We have major things to talk about," she said with no enthusiasm at all which gave me some courage. Alice was tolerable when she wasn't vivacious. "What the hell happened at Emily's barbecue?"

I slowly sat up straight on the bed, stretching and groaning. "Nothing…"

It was a real big torture trying to recall something when your head felt like as if someone was ramming it to the wall.

She eyed me with a curious look before continuing, "I had a talk with Jacob, he actually sent me here to check on you and make sure you were okay. He said he didn't want to see you, you sure don't remember what happened yesterday?"

"I didn't know you and my fiancé were best of friends," I mocked but she ignored me.

I sighed, this must have been very really important for her not to laugh. I scanned my brain looking for some information that I could recall so that she could stop interrogating me like I was a criminal in my own home but unfortunately nothing was coming up. I remembered the barbecue, the conversations and the fight I had with Charlie. After that everything seemed blank.

I let out a frustrated sigh. "If you know, could you just spill and save me this torture. Besides how do you know if anything happened?"

"I pulled it out of him," she said with a hint of confidence.

"Al, if you hypnotized my fiancé, I swear--"

Alice could be freaky at times; she had a special nature in which she was able to pull out the truth from people even when they didn't want to tell her. She had picked it up from Jasper was very good in detecting people's auras before they even informed him on what was going on. It was kind of like a sixth sense, I couldn't pin point what exactly how Alice did hers though, it didn't make any sense, so I just blamed it on hypnosis.

"He didn't want to tell me," I rolled my eyes. "It actually took a while to get it out of him. You truly can't remember what you did?"

"Not really," My eyes squinted to the direction of the wall clock; it was 10:00am.

I had to be at work by 2:00pm.

She drew in a deep breath. "You called out Edward's name when he was getting you off," she whispered.

"Oh no I didn't!" my hands flew to cover to my mouth.

How was I going to explain this to him? Calling my ex's name while having an orgasm being fueled by my fiancé was totally horrible for him to have experienced. It had never happened before. Edward's arrival had taken a toll on me. It had woken up so many things that were asleep, opened so many fresh wounds. It wasn't enough that he tormented me in my sleep with various dreams and nightmares. Nightmares about him leaving me in my white gown, searching through a maze hoping to find my missing groom. Sometimes I would be back at the church holding the bouquet of tulips waiting for him or Jacob to come, and neither of them would show up.

It wasn't enough that since I knew he was in town my body had desired him in the darkest ways and how I longed so much for his touch at night to tell me and confirm that he was never leaving again. He just had to also control this part that was supposed to be ruled by Jacob. The hatred I felt for him burnt wildly.

"God please tell me Rose isn't here?" I ducked my head into my pillow in embarrassment.

I couldn't handle her knowing about this situation, she was like the mother I never saw in Renee, always ruling with discipline. She scared the crap out of me.

Alice burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter before she answered, "No Rose isn't here,"

And just as she said it, I heard Rose's voice along with the sound of some kitchen equipment falling on the floor. "I heard that,"

"Oh god," I pressed my face into the pillows hoping to suffocate and die before facing Jake or Rose.

"We'll deal with Rose later. How could you like…? Like…where you thinking about him? What exactly was going through your head? I thought you said Jake was pretty good in that department. Should I make an appointment with Jasper, because he can really give some good sexual therapy," she said in a serious tone as I rose my head to check if there was some humor behind that statement. There wasn't.

I grimaced on the thought of how that kind of talk would go with him. "_Hi Dr. Whitlock, so as I was getting my groove on with my fiancé, I mistakenly called your friend's name. Do you think I need some sexual counseling and if so, what do you suggest I do?"_ – No way!

"Jake's perfect! I don't know what happened, maybe it was the alcohol? I had a fight with Charlie about Edward so maybe that triggered it, I don't know."

Alice got up and walked to the door, gently shutting it before coming to bounce on the bed. "Do you still love him?"

"Of course I love him,"

"Not Jake, you slut! Edward?"

"No," I quickly lied.

Well, technically it wasn't a lie, okay maybe it was. But if she had worded it differently like 'are you still _in_ love with him?' my answer might have been different? Who was I kidding? The truth was that it didn't matter if there was an 'in' in the statement, so far it had the word 'love' and Bella in it, Edward was definitely a part of it. But I didn't want to love him; I didn't want to even give a damn about him. I didn't want to dream of how fantastic it would be if I told him 'yes'.

However, if anyone even had the slightest clue that I was still in love with him while being with Jacob, they'd judge me. I loved Jacob, I truly did and I thought I was being ridiculous loving two men but that's how I felt. Yes Alice was my best friend and I wasn't supposed to keep secrets from her even though she might have already known the answer, it was different from actually confirming it and hearing the words from my mouth. And even if she might not have judged me, in my mind I would have been constantly battling with myself if she did or did not.

She looked at me skeptically, not buying the crap I dished her. Besides if she already knew, why the hell was she still asking?

Rose entered the room with a dark red bowl and interrupted Alice from whatever she was about to say. "Here's your soup," she shoved the bowl in front of my face.

"How come you're being so nice, testing your motherly qualities?" I arched a brow as she responded me with a glare and her middle finger.

"So," she packed her blond wavy hair with a ruffle. "B, I'm terribly disappointed that you would do such a thing," her face turned into a scowl.

"Could we drop the mother act?"

"Fine! So why the fuck did you scream the baboon's name?" she asked.

"Where's Brady?" I rubbed the back of my neck.

"He's in the living room, sleeping in his stroller."

"Did you see Edward?" Alice jumped back into the conversation.

"What do you mean?" I shifted my gaze to the brown colored soup in front of me, admiring how all the dead shrimps swam placidly inside.

"Have you seen Edward since he came back to Forks?" Alice said slowly like I was an imbecile, emphasizing each word.

"No…"

"You're such a bitch!" Rose interjected.

"You're lying, how could you not tell us? When did you see him?" Alice crossed her arms against her chest, her eyes directly on my face.

"It was recently," I shifted uncomfortably, I hated being in the spotlight.

"That's the problem right there, he's off limits from now on." Alice said.

"I don't want to see him,"

"Good. Geez, Bella, you like totally bruised Jake's ego." Rose remarked.

After narrating the little story about my meeting with Edward and Rose's uncensored insults, I decided to get ready for work. Alice insisted that I wear an outfit she bought for me. She said that she foresaw that I would wear something _hideous_ to work and since I was going to apologize to Jacob, I should wear something flattering and sexy. _Sexy _meant a black short (above your knee – short) pencil skirt accompanied with a red corset that pushed just the right amount of cleavage to spill from the white short sleeve blouse that covered it. I really didn't understand their way of thinking, how could I look sexy at a time like this? Wasn't I supposed to look haggard and depressed that he might actually be pissed off to call the wedding off. Rosalie said she was bored and so she decided to play the _let's make up ' Barbie doll Bella' _game_. _She packed my hair into a tight bun, brought out some fringes and placed a yellow pencil in the middle of it. Then she applied a red lip stick on my lips and blue eye-shadow and mascara. By the time they finished, I was so sure that I was going to get raped before I got to the library. Alice told me that I was supposed to give off the sexy librarian look that most guys fantasized about. I took her word for it because I didn't have the energy for another argument and I wanted to do whatever it took for Jacob to forgive me.

Alice dropped me at work since I didn't have a car, then she and Rose went to the park to play with Brady and scope hot guys who had cute children – yes one is married and the other is committed.

I got to work, feeling very uncomfortable with the short skirt that exposed my very horrible legs. Everyone kept stealing glances at me and I immediately thought this was a bad idea especially if I was going to be climbing ladders to keep books at the top shelves.

"Bella, you look stunning," Angela, my colleague, complimented as she dropped a pile of books on the table where a guy, who was staring at me like I had grown two heads, sat down.

"Thank you," I blushed and pushed my glasses to sit comfortably on the bridge of my nose.

Time kept crawling on the legs of an ant as the day went by. I called Jake a few times. Actually, I called him ten times in every thirty minutes and he didn't even pick up one call. I sent him different texts and he didn't reply. I decided that I was going to see him immediately after work before going home. The idea that he was angry with me was making me feel very unsettled. He hardly got pissed at me and this feeling was foreign and uncomfortable.

"Bella, you going somewhere today?" Lauren passed my desk as she escorted a gentleman into one of the aisles.

"Yeah," I played with a pencil, chewing the end of it, trying to remove the feeling of fear boiling in my veins.

"Bella, could you help me return these books to the science section? I have a lunch break in five minutes and I want to meet Ben before it starts," Angela dumped a stack of books on my table with a pleading look.

I nodded and placed the books on my hands, taking the elevator all the way to the fourth floor to the science and archeology department. The floor was quiet, there were only a few people around who were photocopying, reading or doing some research. I entered the third aisle and stopped in my tracks when I heard a familiar voice.

"It depends on what's going to be in this location on that exact floor, we have to be careful. We can't just tear down that part because it's on top of the main entrance," his beautiful voice reverberated through the hall.

I walked slowly to the end of the aisle and took a peek from where the direction of the voice had come from, hiding at the back of one of the shelves. My whole body visibly relaxed when I saw him standing beside a table, five or six shelves away and pointing to an architectural model of what seemed like the library.

He was dressed in a blue long sleeve button-down shirt that had some of its first buttons released, displaying a black t-shirt and a dark pair of jeans. A pencil was resting on his right ear and a cigarette stick on the left. His hands moved over the tiny model and over to the blue prints as he explained to the two people sitting beside him. One of them was a guy that I could care less about and the other was a red-haired woman who seemed so interested in what he was saying or ogling how his hands illustrated what he was talking about.

His voice spoke with so much gravity and concentration as he described more of whatever he was talking about. I was too busy being mesmerized by the way of he spoke when something interested him. He ran his hands through his springy soft hair and the memory of my hands trying and failing to tame it washed over me. He didn't like people touching his hair, well except me and his mother, but who knows; he could have been lying when he told me that.

He licked his lips and listened to the other guy explaining something about taking down the back side of the building for the extension. His hands moved to a bottle of water that sat close to the model. His muscles flexed as he twisted the lid and began gulping slowly, keeping his eyes fixed on the blue prints. After a while, he took off his shirt and placed it on the chair behind him, giving me permission and access to ogle his chest.

The black shirt hugged his torso for dear life and I could almost see the lines of his six pack sipping through. It was like his body was the Devil's triangle and I was a plane waiting to get sucked in.

I wasn't sure what happened but somewhere along the lines of my inappropriate eye-fucking, my glasses must have seen too much because it slipped off my face and fell on the floor. As I tried to reach down and grab it, my phone that was on top of the heap of books I was carrying, slid out and fell in the open in his line of sight.

As the phone hit the floor, all three sets of eyes looked to my direction simultaneously.

_Well, I guess their reflexes are still working._

When they were satisfied that they hadn't seen anything, I stretched out my leg and tried to kick my phone back into the aisle but the damn thing kept pushing forward.

_Why me?_

I looked up to the ceiling like the deranged psycho that I am thinking if God could see me through the painted ceiling and explain why he kept punishing me. I laughed and thought about all the people who had no food and shelter and here I was complaining.

I sighed and got down on my knees before stretching my hands out and grabbing the phone. When I picked it up, I flipped it open hoping to see a missed call from Jake, just maybe he called and I was deaf, but there to my disappointment, there were 0 missed calls.

I let out a deep breath and gathered the books that had littered the floor and picked up my glasses. I turned to the shelf in front of me and stood up not really paying attention to my surroundings.

"Wow, the uh…" I jumped a little as the man I had just finished scoping showed up by my side.

I prayed silently that he hadn't caught me staring because that was totally going to look horrible on my part.

"What are you doing here?" I cleared my throat and moved away from him, looking for the exact location the books were supposed to be kept.

"I'm working, what are _you _doing here?" his lips pulled into a dazzling smile that almost made me blush, if it didn't already.

"I work here," I answered.

"I see, I didn't know you were a librarian," he shoved his hands into his pockets and looked at the floor, angry that he didn't know this little piece of information.

"Yeah, I am,"

I found the row and placed the books into their empty slots. As I placed the last book in its slot, I felt his presence on my back.

"You look beautiful Isabella," he breathed into my neck.

I turned slowly to face him and saw his pupils darken slightly. His body was just inches away from mine and I could feel his slow breathing. His left hand rested on the shelf behind me and our lips were so close to each other, any slight movement would land them over each other.

His masculine scent engulfed me as his other hand rested on my laps, his fingers crawling up slowly against the skirt. His eyes glittered with hunger as he stared at me, his gaze making me completely paralyzed.

I could feel the rise and fall of my chest and a touch of precariousness flowed through me as his fingers danced on my skirt, yearning to touch the skin that lay beneath.

"It's amazing that after all these years of seeing so many women, you're still the most gorgeous one I've ever set my eyes on," I could see the outline of his jaw as the words came out from his mouth and his forefinger traced the side of my face.

I tensed slightly and my muscles tightened. It was too dangerous to be this close to him. His fingers were weaving burning sensations throughout my body and causing a pool of wetness to gather at my center. He wasn't even doing anything and yet I was getting so turned on. I had to stop.

"Edward, what are you doing?" I swallowed thickly as he closed his eyes and leaned into my nape, inhaling a deep breath.

"Just trying to refresh my memory on what home feels and smells like." he whispered darkly in an agonized tone. "Fuck! I was such a fucking fool to let this go,"

He leaned backwards so he could see my face. "I'll make you mine again if it's the last thing I do, Isabella," he smiled and then walked away from me, leaving me to catch my breath.

~*~*~*&*~*~*~

I cursed myself over and over in the bathroom for letting myself react to him that way. I checked my phone for the thousandth time, still hoping to see Jake's number. I had been calling him countless number of times in the past hour and he still hadn't picked up his phone.

I adjusted myself properly before going back to my desk and helping out a few people who were looking for some books. I avoided the fourth floor like it was cursed till the time for me to go home came. I rushed and cleared up my desk not even bothering to carry the books I had been reading and wanting to finish at home.

I dashed out and took a cab that took me straight to his apartment. I rushed through the doors as someone exited and was halted by one of the security guards, Mike. He was actually the only reason I hated coming to the building, he just didn't know when to shut up.

"Hey there Miss Swan, it's so good to see you again. I haven't seen you in a while. I heard you and Mr. Black were finally sealing the deal," he blurted out like a running tap as I kept pressing the 'up' button for the elevator.

"Yeah, we're finally getting _married_," I smiled and was considering hitting the button with a hammer.

"That is so good! Mr. Black is a very lucky man to have you, you're a very beautiful woman," his eyes raked my profile like he was inspecting a product to ensure they weren't any damages.

My stomach flipped and I almost gagged. "Thank you," I managed to answer.

"I wish I could find me a beautiful woman like you to marry, I'll--"

"See you later Mike," I called out as the elevator made a sound and opened.

I entered and pressed the tenth floor, glad that no one was inside with me because it took twenty years to get there. I clutched my bag and walked down the end of the hallway in slow steps. After rushing all the way here, I was suddenly anxious and a little bit frightened at the outcome of his anger.

I raised my hand, balled it into a fist and tapped the door slightly. I didn't get any response so I checked the time to be sure he had been back from work before opening it with my key.

I shut the door slowly behind me and took off my shoes. The apartment was dark apart from the light coming out from his bedroom. His suitcase laid on one of the chairs along with his tie so I was sure he was home.

I pushed the bedroom door slightly and found him lying on the bed with his right arm resting over his eyes and his legs sprawled out. I twisted the hand of my bag nervously before walking across to meet him.

I sat on the bed and placed my head on his chest. "I'm sorry,"

He didn't move.

"I know you must feel really hurt right now but I didn't mean to," I continued, hoping that this little speech I was giving wasn't to someone who was sleeping. "Baby talk to me," I rose my head up and looked at his face which was still covered with his arm.

He let out a deep breath and looked at me. "I don't know what to say,"

"Tell me it will be okay and you'll overlook this and that you love me,"

He swung his legs to the other side of the bed and sat down facing the window. "You called his name while I was--"

"I know," I sighed.

"That's a pretty big deal Bella. I don't know if it's something I can overlook. Because right now I feel that every time I want to get intimate with you or something of that nature, you would call his name. Or I would remember yesterday and it's just too much for me to handle," his palms massaged the back of his neck.

"That's not going to happen again, I promise. I was drunk,"

"Yeah but you know what they say, people tell the truth when they're drunk,"

"That doesn't apply to me," I moved closer to him. Kneeling on the bed, I placed my hands to take over the massage but he stood up.

"I don't know Bella," I felt an ache as he moved away from me. He put his hands in his pockets and gazed through the window into the night. "Are you still in love with him?"

"No," I said more firmly than before, shaking my head even though he couldn't see me. "I love you and I want to marry you,"

"I don't know Bella,"

"Stop saying that," my voice cracked.

My heart started beating faster in my chest, feeling like it was about to explode and my fingers were trembling.

"Maybe we need some space at least until you sort out what's going on with you and I can forget about that little incident," His face still staring out the window.

Tears bubbled up in my eyes and I nodded. "Okay but we'll figure this out right?" I said not hiding the sadness in my voice.

I had always been with him since I could remember even before we were together as a couple and now I wasn't sure if I could be without him.

"We'll see…"

"Are you breaking up with me?" I almost choked on the words.

The sudden urge to puke filled me.

"No Bella, I just need some time," he finally turned to face me. "Just give me some time okay?"

I was afraid that if I spoke I would break into a blubbering mess and the tears would spill down like water broken from a dam.

He walked over to me and hugged me. "Just a little time," his hands held my face and I nodded.

I placed a soft kiss on his cheeks, not sure if he would appreciate a kiss on the lips, and got down from the bed. "Do you want your key?"

"Uh…no you could keep that for now,"

I picked up my handbag and whispered goodnight before leaving his apartment. The elevator doors opened and I got down as the tears trickled down my face.

"Miss Swan, are you alright?" Mike asked as he walked around his security post.

"Yeah, I'm fine, goodnight," I said hastily and bolted out through the doors.

It had started raining heavily and I hadn't brought an umbrella with me. I pulled off my shoes and walked under the rain as it washed down my tears. The rain created a fog on the road.

I could feel the tarred road press into the balls of my feet as I continued walking, the engagement ring suddenly weighing heavier than it normally did.

I had been dumped on my wedding day and now my fiancé had broken up with me, could it get any worse?

The rain poured down on me and washed away the makeup that had been on my face. My clothes were drenched and the white blouse I was wearing clung to my body, being completely transparent as the red corset stained it. I loosened the bun and let my hair fly loosely around my shoulders dripping with water.

Jumbled feelings swam in my brain, wondering what I was going to tell people when they asked if I was engaged. Was I still supposed to wear the ring? What was I going to say, my fiancé is on a break so until we figure things out, the wedding was on hold? Charlie was definitely going to create more mountains for this issue. I could already hear his voice from inside my head shouting at me on how I could screw this up. I could also hear people and their mindless rumors, probably wondering if I was cursed since every time I get in the car and drive, it never gets to the destination.

Most of all, I could see the pain Jake's eyes as he kept saying he doesn't know, the agony that I put through. And it was quite fascinating how this whole thing still revolved around Edward. I just wanted to kill him and be happy.

_How hard was it to just be happy?_

I heard a car horn three times pulling me out of my drowning thoughts and I wondered if the guy was insane. I was walking by the side of the road so I couldn't understand why this particular car was disturbing me.

_Now I can't work on the road peacefully._

The horn sounded again and I turned in frustration to see who the hell was adding more pepper to my bad day. The black Aston Martin vanquish drove to my side and the windows rolled down to display _Mr. Almighty's _face.

_God! Do you have it in for me today? Why don't you just let lightening strike me?_

I continued walking, trying to ignore him, I was too upset to even deal with him right now. He was the center, the cause and the beginning of all my problems. He could just drive his car over a cliff so I could be in blissful paradise.

"Isabella, could you please get the fuck into the car. You'll get a fucking cold," He said.

_No kidding._

"Why do you keep stalking me? I saw you in the library today just one dose of you is too much for me to handle. Why won't you just leave me alone? DAMNIT!" I shouted and even took a moment to stomp my foot like a five year old who had been denied candy when I was a twenty seven year old who couldn't even get a husband.

"Because I fucking don't want to leave you alone Isabella and I'm never going to leave you again,"

_Bella, if this is one of your sick twisted dreams, snap out of it. I already had one today._

"This is not a dream. I'm here now please can you fucking get in the car, you're gonna get sick."

"Edward, please just leave me alone," I cried as more tears slid down my cheeks.

"I. Can't. Do. That." he said in a strained voice and I looked at him, his eyes glinted with concern.

"I don't want to spoil the seats of your car," I paused and stopped walking.

"I only care about you," he opened the door and I climbed inside.

He turned on the heat and we rode in silence as he drove me home.

* * *

**So yeah, I'm a drama queen but seriously, you all knew the name she was going to scream. By the way just 'cause Jake wants some space doesn't mean he's out of the picture. Wonder if anything bad happens next chapter...**

**Tell me your thoughts!**


	6. What if what I want makes you sad at me?

**A/N: Dear Readers, I don't know what to say. You guys continue to astound me with your lovely story alerts/favorites/pm's/reviews, THANK YOU. Even though half of your thoughts are on how to kill Edward. I like hearing them, they give me ideas on how to write the next chapters. I just want to remind you of a few things that I have to address. First things first, remember that you're all in Bella's mindframe. You're all seeing things through her eyes and you're in her head. She might act as a whiny little bitch or someone that doesn't have dignity right now. But you have to remember that her thoughts are raw and unprocessed so as you read them, that's how she thinks it. However, to Edward she might not appear the way she is in her mind. He might see her as someone not willingly to give him the day of light. Now she sees him as an asshole or a douchebag and that's exactly what you'll see him as too because both of you don't know the real story (well except for me). In this chapter however, he might seem to be a really annoying person. But remember you don't know his perspective. **

**I want to thank Lambcullen again because she's just so sweet and nice to me. She created a blinky banner for me at Twilighted, you can check it out. It's pretty cute. Oh yes and please come and gossip with us on the thread, we DON'T bite seriously. However we do argue and Lambie is representing Edward, no one's representing Jake. I'm afraid. Don't make him feel lonely. And I drop goodies.**

**I also want to thank my fic boss (Kuntrygal) for whipping this up and making it seem like a brilliant work for you guys to read. She's all shades of awesomeness to me right now.**

**I own NOTHING. The title of this chapter comes from a band called Safety Suit and it relates more to what Edward is feeling (you can check out the song). The rain comes from the rain that distracted me over the weekend. This chapter may contain scenes with sexual content beware. Sorry for the long A/N.**

* * *

*What if what I want makes you sad at me?*

_Time._

Time was a unique phenomenon that passed incredibly slowly when one watched it, but sped up when one didn't. Things lived and died with time; time wasn't constant. Everything changed with time. My life changed with time. Time had passed ten years ago when Edward became my boyfriend; time had run when he proposed six years ago. Time had fled when Jacob and I began dating four years ago.

_Time_ was what Jake said he needed.

I didn't want to be selfish. Of course I knew he needed time to get over this _thing,_ but I couldn't stop the feeling of fear that radiated in my bones saying that he would never get over it. What if I was too late? Or what if whenever he got over it, I was dead?

Life wasn't constant; I could walk in front of a bus one day and get smashed to death. What if I waited and at the end he realized that he couldn't deal with me and my baggage anymore? After all I had built my entire life hoping to start it on that very special day when my fiancé decided he wasn't ready and took off. What if the same thing happened with Jake except this time, we never did the wedding arrangements and he decided he just couldn't do it anymore? How long would I have to wait to get disappointed all over again? My heart could only be broken once and Jake had gotten injured picking up the pieces, could he slam it all back in frustration and stomp on it again? There was only so much I could take.

I wondered if I cut my engagement finger off, if that would stop me from entering this personal hell that always seemed to burn me alive. Maybe I should just give up on marriage. Maybe it wasn't meant for everyone and all that was in my future was being surrounded by friends and loved ones who were either in a relationship or happily married.

I stared at the passing trees and cars as they melted into a blur behind us. Spikes of rain slanted and fell on top of the city, drenching everything in its path and providing blossom for the green plants and shrubs. It was amazing how to people, walking on the street the rain was making them cold and uncomfortable. Yet to the plants, it was enriching the soil in which they stood firmly upon. It was almost an analogy between Edward, Jake and I. I was Edward's poison that he needed to get out of his system and I was Jake's sunshine. Or maybe he was my sunshine. I knocked my head softly on the window of the car. No one ever needed me, I always needed them and that's why I was always rewarded with disappointment.

And now here I was thinking about Jake in the car with my ex driving when the thought should have crossed my mind when I was having my so-called getaway to cloud nine. By now I wouldn't even be here dissecting my brain about what _time _meant.

I was grateful for the silence that tangled in the air as he drove down the road; I wasn't in the mood to talk to him. If I had a knife in my purse, I would have driven it straight into his chest just to bestow upon him the pain he inflicted on me and to feel that relief that he would never torment me again.

_Yeah right, like I could actually do that if I had the opportunity,_ I scoffed and rested my chin on the palms of my hand.

I didn't even realize when the car had pulled in front of what seemed to be a Chinese restaurant until I noticed the tires had halted and the world wasn't fading into the background anymore.

"Why are we here?" I asked, finally making eye contact with him for the first time since I had entered the car.

A chill crawled down my spine as I met his intense stare, his green eyes fixating on mine like he was trying to search in an endless well for something so small and insignificant.

"I just thought you might not have eaten and decided that you should do that before getting home, you seem like you've had a fucking long day." He finished, taking his eyes off me to look at his windscreen.

"I don't feel like eating, you could have just asked me instead of _deciding _that I wanted to eat. It would have saved you some gas," I glanced at the Chinese restaurant with the red Chinese symbols glowing at the top.

"Well I knew if I had fucking asked you, you wouldn't have said yes and I was right." He closed his eyes and I saw his chest heave up with a slow steady breath. "Isabella, it's not a fucking date and I understand if you're not comfortable being with me in public, we'll just go in, order and get out,"

"Fine," I replied lamely because my brain was too weak in cooperating with me and searching for more words that could construct a longer sentence.

I searched for my deadly heels on the floor of the car seat and slipped them on as Edward got out and walked around to open the door for me with an umbrella.

"I don't need you to open the door for me you know, I'm not handicapped," I snapped and the harshness that leaked through the words surprised me.

Fortunately for Edward, he didn't take it as anything or he appeared to not be bothered about what I had just said. Instead he shut the door behind me and we both walked toward the restaurant. When we got to the front of the building, I slowed my steps and waited for him to enter first. I didn't want to walk by the side of him, paranoid that we would give the illusion of a couple and walking in front of him and have him analyze how ridiculous I looked wet just made me feel more insecure.

The door bell chimed as we walked through the door. A few people were seated in the front row of tables that were along the route to the order section. There was a short line up and we had to wait before getting to our turn since we weren't staying.

Edward pulled out his phone and began scrolling for what I could only think were messages and missed calls. I stood awkwardly and glanced around as the line moved in a slow gradual pace. A young waitress holding a tray of cocktail glasses flashed me a blinding smile which I returned. The restaurant wasn't crowded just a few people eating and talking. An elderly couple was sitting at the far corner of the restaurant, holding hands and giggling with each other. I smiled at their interaction and moved my eyes until it found a young woman who was drinking a glass of wine and staring out the window. She seemed so _lonely_.

I diverted my gaze to my heels, admiring how the red color complimented the dark blue rug that covered the floor.

"Oh my!" I heard a young woman gasp and my eyes rose up to find hers staring at Edward's black shoes. "Are those Nike Air Force sneakers? I've been trying to get that special brand for my brother but I haven't seen them anywhere,"

My eyes darted to her profile involuntarily and I surveyed it quickly. She had a dark chocolate hair color almost the same as mine but a little bit darker, tainted with streaks of red. It was in big bouncy shiny curls that hung around her apple face unlike mine that was straight, wet and stuck to the side of my face. She was dressed in tiny black shorts that covered a decent amount of her ass but exposed her nice immaculate cream tanned legs. Her face was covered in make up with pink faint blushes on each patch of her cheeks and a glossy pink lipstick.

Over all she looked very pretty and the sudden urge to fully compare both of our appearances made me turn away from her. I stole a glimpse of Edward who had a bored expression plastered on his face as he told her where he had purchased the shoes that had attracted her to where we stood. His voice sounded lazy, tired and a bit frustrated as she went on with her shameless flirtation.

An unpleasant jolt of heat shot through me as she continued throwing her paws at him even though he showed no interest at all. I couldn't define what the heat felt like, maybe jealousy? I thought it would feel absolutely ridiculous to feel that way especially since I was engaged and we were no longer together. I shouldn't care at all that he was talking to a woman who was _so _much interested into Nike shoes. He could kiss her right now for all I cared.

I tried to shut down from their conversation but suddenly her voice echoed annoyingly in my brain. She just kept on yapping and yapping all about the Nike shoes in town right now and the latest model. I couldn't comprehend why she couldn't just walk to any Nike store and ask the sales guy about the damned shoes.

A soothing feeling washed over the heat that was driving me crazy when I saw Edward who still looked like he was barely interested in what she had to say. It was almost sort of like relief and it calmed the raging nerves that were threatening to explode if she just took a step and asked him for his number.

The line moved slowly as we got closer to the order stand.

"Um, excuse me if you don't mind I'd like to get back to my _fiancée _now," the distinct sharpness and seriousness of his deep voice caused me to curve a brow at the last word that punctuated his sentence.

_Wait, did he just say that or I heard double?_

I was too stunned to react fully on his words before the lady stuttered her response.

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know you were…it's just that when you came in, it didn't seem as if…" she struggled with her words. "I just didn't think you were with _her_ or that she was even your _fiancée,"_

I rolled my eyes and swallowed the urge to reach out and slap her for that insult. So what now? I didn't even look sexy enough to be his fiancée? I wasn't that beautiful enough to be standing by his side? I just looked like his shadow that she couldn't even acknowledge my presence.

I was so upset and even more upset that it bothered me about what she thought. She was right, I wasn't with Edward and it was clear from our body language when we walked into the restaurant. I wanted to give off that vibe that's why I stood behind him or didn't slip my hands into his when we got into the line like normal couples do. I completely ignored him throughout all the way here so we were definitely supposed to look like we were single, thereby giving other vultures opportunity to prey upon his beautiful stature because he wasn't _mine._

"Please can I have the keys to the car?" I asked when the lady her joined her friends at one of the tables who were looking at us like owls.

"Are you okay?" he asked, looking at me warily before handing me the keys.

As soon as he placed them on my hands, I scurried out of the restaurant to the car without even waiting for the umbrella. The rain seemed to have grown heavier and the heavy drops poured on me as I reached the car.

I turned on the radio as I settled into the leather seat and flipped through radio channels for a particular music that wouldn't get me trapped alone with my thoughts. I wasn't ready to evaluate any of the things that had happened today or whatever had happened just now. I was tired and exhausted not to talk of extremely wet.

My clothes were so soaked and they were creating an uncomfortable feeling as they wedged with my skin, also making noises as they moved against the seat. I held my hands together to keep it from touching my hair that was mixed with the rain and amount of hair mousse Rosalie had applied to make it to sit in a bun position.

A few minutes later, Edward appeared and entered the car with a bag of food and a bottle of wine. He gave me the bag and we continued our silent drive home.

I flashed the key knob into the slot to open the door for us. I didn't even know if I wanted him to come upstairs. I wanted him to come and sit for a while since it was still raining hard and I felt him driving with the harsh weather conditions wasn't good. If he skidded off the roads and had an accident, I never would have forgiven myself. But then again, I wasn't entirely comfortable being with him in my small apartment so I just walked through the door and allowed him to make the decision for himself.

He seemed to be dealing with the same exact thought because he hovered around the door for a few minutes before entering the building. We entered the elevator and kept our distance, each of us standing at the far end and looking elsewhere. The elevator opened and we walked down the hall in silence until we got to my apartment.

"Uh, thanks for the food. It was really thoughtful of you to…" I scratched the back of my hair and looked at the floor while standing in front of him, swinging from heel to heel.

He didn't reply and I didn't even look up to see his face, I was perfectly okay looking at his black shoes which seemed to attract women.

_Just his damned shoes got them._

"So I'm just gonna…" I raked my lips with my teeth. Finding this whole situation very awkward, I walked to the kitchen island and dropped the food on the table with the wine. "Please make yourself comfortable, there's beer in the fridge, courtesy of Jacob." I pulled up the wet blouse that had become a second skin over my head, leaving my red corset on. "I'm going to take a quick hot shower and I'll be right out," I took off my heels and didn't wait for him to respond before going into my bedroom.

~*~*~&~*~*~

"Do you want some?" he pushed an empty glass and nudged the bottle of wine to my direction as I shook my head vehemently in refusal.

There was no way I was ever going to drink alcohol before I added more screwed up relationships to my list, I already had one to salvage.

He took out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, sticking one in his mouth and bringing it to the blue and gold flame. "Mind if I smoke?" he asked, exhaling a cloud of smoke from his mouth.

I shook my head and shoved a spoonful of rice into my mouth. After chewing it and swallowing down with a glass of cold water, I asked. "Why do you even ask? It's not like you listen to what I say,"

"I _always_ listen to what you say," he pushed back into the chair. "Just that sometimes I mostly do what I want,"

"Edward, I've told you to quit smoking since a long time ago. If you're not going to listen, why do you even bother?"

"You said I looked sexy smoking once," he tipped the end of the cigarette into a plastic bowl beside him with a smirk.

"You look sexy doing everything," I muttered impetuously and then blushed at my embarrassing remark. "It doesn't change the fact that you'll still die young," I tried back-tracking my previous statement.

"Well if I'm not living my life with you, I'm as good as dead, don't you think?" his green eyes sparkled as he watched me wrap my lips around the spoon.

I ignored his question. "So what happened to your hand?" My eyes shot to his knuckles which were decorated in pink and purple bruises.

He rubbed his hands together and a slight irritation swept over his face. He obviously didn't want me to know about it. "I had a small misunderstanding with a friend of mine," he said in a tone that let me know the case was closed for discussion.

Silence dawned on us and the only noise that filled the room was the sound of my teeth grinding my food and the angry rain taking revenge on the windows. We sat opposite each other like two poles set distinctively far apart but yet trying to get close, just close enough to spark a satisfying reaction that would ease us both. Our bodies moved and shifted uncomfortably fighting the distance like a war. We hadn't even had a real conversation, just simple words that floated and hung in the air, trying so hard to dissolve the undiluted tension that was draining us.

I watched him as he drove his hands through his hair and tried miserably to stop it from entering his eyes. Conversely, when he thought I was concentrating on the tiny grains of rice in my plate, he would fix his eyes on me and then our eyes would connect for a second before quickly turning away like high school kids crushing on each other. The whole process had happened for the whole thirty minutes we sat down.

"So what happened? Do you want to talk about it?" he said, breaking the ice as I watched the cigarette stick roll from one end of his mouth to the other.

I quickly gulped down another glass of water and tried really hard to suppress a smile at the way his lips moved around letters like 'o'. "Do you really care?"

"Not quite, but if it involves you and its making you upset then yes,"

I rolled my eyes and set my plate down on the stool. I'd had enough food for tonight.

"I'm not worthy of him," I fiddled with the hem of my shirt, my stomach grumbling.

"Or he's not worthy of you,"

"He doesn't deserve me," I whispered mostly to myself, feeling a bit down as the turn of events of today came flooding back into my mind with a huge current.

"No one deserves you,"

"I hurt him," I carried on, ignoring his responses.

"His loss my gain," he shrugged like it was no big deal.

I felt a little bit angry that he would not even show just a little remorse.

"You don't even know him," my eyes finally turned up to meet his with a snarl as he discarded the half cigarette and picked another one.

"And I really don't give two fucks about him," he played with the lighter before lighting his second cig.

"Why should I care anyway when he has something that belongs to me," he leaned forward and stared at me intently.

"I'm not yours," I retorted, crossing my arms against my chest with a huff.

"Not yet," his muscles slumped with defeat and he leaned back into the chair, propping his legs on the table.

"Stop talking about me like I'm a quantity, or some sort of possession," I hissed and brought my knees against my chest, squeezing myself into the chair to feel a bit warm. "What even makes you so confident?"

"I'm always confident…besides I know you still love me," he tilted his head up and slowly released small rings of smoke into the air. "If he makes you so upset he probably doesn't deserve you anyway,"

"Oh look who's talking, all this coming from a guy who abandoned his fiancée at the aisle. Well done Mr. Hypocrite," I said harshly and saw a flicker of sadness cross his face before it was wiped with a plain blank stare.

"I know it's not the best fucking decision I've made but you were always in my best interests," his jaw tightened and he dropped his legs from the table.

I broke out into a huge laughter that filled the room like a loud siren. "You're such a selfish prick, you know that right?"

"I'm selfish enough to share you with another man,"

"_**You**_ always think about what makes _**you**_ happy, it's always about _**you**_," I threw my hands up in exasperation as his body grew rigid. "_**You**_ thought it was best to leave because _**you**_ thought _**you**_ weren't good enough. Now _**you're **_back because all of a sudden _**you've**_ realized somewhere in that thick skull of yours that _**you're**_ perfect and _**you're **_ready to be a man. Where do I even come into play? As your what, friggin' puppet that you can just string around whenever you're ready to play? Am I even in your priorities?"

"You know you're my _**first**_ priority Isabella, I've done everything with you as the _**first thing**_ in my mind," his brows furrowed and he rubbed his hands together in between his legs with the cigarette balancing by the side of his mouth.

"Well you have a pretty sick twisted sense of responsibility," I rested my back on the chair as the silence once again dissolved us. "I've moved on," I tore a thread from my t-shirt and wound it around my finger. "I need you to do the same,"

"Is that what you really want? Because if it is, I'll do it but I'll have you know that I'm not giving up without a fight. I'm not walking away that easily again because you're worth it," his voice carried a fiercer tone at the end. "I've stayed away from you Isabella for so long and I can't do it anymore,"

The atmosphere was spiced with intensity as I watched the rain drops cling to the side of the glass window and the moon glow in the sky.

"So how's your girlfriend?" I asked after a while of being tired of not saying anything.

"Who?" he took a sip of his wine and the drops of the red liquid lingered on his bottom lip.

"The one that was with you when we bumped into each other the other day,"

"Oh, she's fine," his tongue licked his lip and cleared all specks of wine on it.

"So you two are…?" I asked, trying so hard to be subtle about this matter but failing.

"Would it be easier on you if we were?" he pushed his hair back with his right hand and tried to hold it in place.

I shrugged. "It all depends on you if she is or she's not,"

"Well then whatever you believe,"

"I believe she is, she's too pretty to just be your friend,"

"Then she is,"

I quickly changed the topic before he caught the disappointment that was about to reveal itself. "Do you still play?"

"No,"

"Why?"

"I lost the will to compose or even hold a guitar,"

"That's sad," I yawned, my body was starting to feel very tired and weak. "It's getting late; don't you feel sleepy or even tired? You really worked at the library,"

"I don't really sleep that much anyway. And I don't mind working, architecture keeps my hands busy," he rolled his sleeves up as if to emphasize his point.

_I bet they do,_ I thought as I watched his palms slide up and down his arms and just imagined how they'd work on my body, massaging…

"I think you should go," I blurted out and stood up briskly like as if I had been burnt by something on the chair. He stared at me in bewilderment and confusion glowed in his eyes as he stood up and slipped the pack of cigarettes into his pocket.

I followed him to the door and looked down at my hands as his stopped on the knob of the door. I didn't know he was going to turn to face me so when he pivoted around, he bumped into me and my lips accidentally brushed against his neck which was beating fast with a pulse.

"Fuck!" he hissed with a sharp intake of breath and his back pushed back against the door.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry," my hands ran through my hair as I felt his ragged breath on my cheek and I stepped back.

He waited for a few minutes to compose himself before speaking again. "Isabella, I was going to ask if I may please kiss your hand,"

"Um, okay,"

A kiss on my hand was innocent and it didn't mean anything even though I was wishing that the kiss that had landed on his neck could have landed on his lips instead. And then we could do it on the door right here in my apartment with the rain adding effect to the…

"Kiss me," I blurted out and suddenly cursed my brain for not having a filter to sieve this verbal diarrhea.

"What?!" His eyes widened at my words.

"No I meant you can kiss my hands or whatever,"

"Okay," his soft hands cradled my right hand and he looked at it like he was trying to solve a puzzle.

His fingertips stroked the lines of veins that surfaced on top with feathery touches, sending me dizzy sensations as my heart rate increased dramatically. His head lowered to the back of my hand and his sweet breath blew like a tidal wave as he pressed his warm soft lips against it. I stifled a groan as his lips peppered soft kisses, relishing the feel on my skin. I almost jerked my hand away when I felt his tongue slip out of his mouth and lick for half a second. He noticed and then quickly withdrew my hands.

"Goodnight Isabella," He said in a rush and then walked out of the door like a deer running away from a car.

I looked at the door that had just been shut with a surprised expression before sliding my back against it and sitting on the floor.

_I needed to avoid Edward Cullen like he was a bomb._

*~*~*&*~*~*

"_Hello my sexy darling lover who I fantasize about daily," _Alice voice boomed into my ears like a tiny mosquito making shrill sounds.

"Um, you do know that I'm not Jasper right?" I answered, packing all my books into my small backpack like a school girl on the first day of school.

"_Yup, he's too busy talking to other people about sex and doesn't even fulfill my common needs in the bedroom,"_ I heard her huff.

"Too much information!" I exclaimed; I really didn't want to torture my poor ears with Alice's sex escapades.

"_Anyway, I called for two reasons. First, Rosalie and I have been talking about Vampire diaries the new series with hot smoky Stefan and Damon. Damon seems kinda like my type though, I love his bad assness and he's so lonely, I just want to capture him from the book and make him happy. Anyway, so I told Rose that he, Stephan, _eats _her from the same place, what does that sound like?"_

"Oh my god!"

"_Both of you are just perverted spoilt bitches and that's the truth." _She argued as Rose cut in.

"_Shut the fuck up Alice. I told you that you shouldn't say that outside because people would think of something fucking raw like--"_

"Oh please don't tell me, I still have Alice's fantasies swimming in my head." I pleaded.

"_Anyway, no one would ever think she's talking about a fucking vampire. Alice don't just say that outside,"_ Rose finished.

"_Moving on to the second thing that I called you for, have you spoken to Jake yet? What did you say when you saw him yesterday? I didn't want to call you 'cause I thought you'd be too busy having mind blowing sex like jack rabbits," _Alice tripped back into the conversation.

"First of all, are none of you getting it? Because we've spent like what, five minutes talking about it. You two sound like you're in heat," I zipped my back pack.

"_Emmett's too busy thinking about what the baby would say when we hump and break the walls of our room," _Rosalie whined into the phone and I rolled my eyes.

"_Did you talk to Jake? Come on fill us with something, at least it'd keep my mind away from masturbating with Shane West's picture,"_ Alice said and I could tell she was pouting from the sound of her voice.

"Well, he said he needed _time_," I said the word with disgust. "To sort things out, basically he said he needs a break and I just don't know how long or if he'll ever pull through," I slung my back pack on my back and made my way out of the library.

"_Aw babycakes, don't worry I'm sure he'll come around,"_

"_Bella, I read somewhere in Cosmo that if you have a combined bachelor and bachelorette party your marriage wouldn't work and it got proved by you and Edward's relationship. He was probably scared off by the French kiss you gave Alice in his bachelor party. Now with Jake it's different because we know this and we won't plan a combined party so you're safe." _Rose shouted into the phone and I heard Alice smack her.

"_What? Jasper told us what strippers normally do at a bachelor's party and we didn't want to ruin his since we used the money to buy the wedding present for them. Besides you know they enjoyed it, they were practically cheering like dogs seeing a huge bone, you're just jealous because she didn't kiss you,"_

"_Hell no! There is no way I'm ever kissing a girl. No way. Emmett's enough,"_

"Guys," I shouted as I got on the sidewalk for them to stop their mental ramblings.

"_B, he'll come around just give him time okay." _Alice said.

"_Yeah if he doesn't I'll remove his balls with the garden scissors in my backyard,"_ Rose threatened with her deepest scariest voice and I had to laugh.

"Alright, I gotta go. I'm supposed to meet mom at the grocery store in fifteen minutes, I'll talk to you guys later."

"_Alright whore, we love you,"_ they both said in unison as I clicked the 'end' button and continued my trip to the store.

_****Pieces of the past, forming to complete the future****_

"_He is always with that girl called Jessica Stanley and her baby, are you sure he's not the father?" Renee asked folding the basket of clothes on the floor. _

"_Mum," I rolled my eyes. I hated trying to explain this issue to her. We had gone through it for like three times now and she hadn't listened to any of what I had said. It was getting frustrating repeating the same thing over and over again. "He's not the father, I know and I trust him. He wouldn't do that to me. Besides, he's always with me where could he have found the time to be with her?" I walked over to the bed and sat down watching her face crumple in annoyance._

"_Look, it's not that I don't trust Edward or I despise him like your father does. You know I've always approved of your relationship with him. I always wanted you two to be together because you've always seemed like a perfect match. I just feel like you're rushing things. You're twenty one and you still have a whole life ahead of you. He seems pretty attached to you but at the same time he looks like he's straying somewhere else. I just want his mind to be in the right place." She tucked the pair of folded sweaters into the white wardrobe. "I love you and I want the very best. I think you two should figure out if your heads are ready for this. Marriage is a very serious deal and it's not all about compromise. I'm telling you this because I know."_

"_I know mum and trust me we are together in this. He's made the decision, he can be walking around with Jessica Stanley but it's me he's going to be with, it's me he's marrying and with that, I'm content," I smiled to reassure her and she held out her arms for a hug. _

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**So yeah sorry about Edward's slight snarky behaviour he's not ready to talk yet. However, hope you picked up the little things that happened in this chapter. Like the brusies on his knuckles (wonder who he punched, tell me), the going for the wine instead of the beer Jake bought. The Tanya conversation. Little little pieces are all important. **

**Let me know what you thought...**


	7. Want, need & have

**A/N: Dear Readers, can I send Jacob or Edward to come visit you at your various homes where you can do whatever you want with them? THANK YOU so MUCH for your lovely reviews/story alerts/favorites/pms. I'm totally happy at the response I have received. I also want to thank whoever rec's this story. I think someone called uggy (not sure if I spelled that right) on live journal recc'd it, thank you. Please let me know if you rec it because I really have to express my gratitude.**

**Lambie and I are going to have a showdown on this story soon so watch out for that!**

**WARNING: From now on well until the sun starts shining, Edward is going to be an ASS. You have been warned. And no he's not explaining why he left yet. Sorry for the long A/n, maybe if you came to gossip on the thread, I wouldn't blab here?**

**Oh, I don't own the twilight saga. I just cast a spell on them and brought them to another dimension. **

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Want, need & have

I walked down the road and watched as the big vermillion sun sunk into the depths of the cloud. I folded my arms in an attempt to escape the chill that had suddenly devoured the air as my mind kept running back to thoughts of what had happened yesterday night.

Edward, my ex fiancé, the man who I loved and was highly still attracted to even after all these years, had been in my apartment and nothing had happened.

I wasn't entirely sure whether to feel victory or defeat at that sudden realization. Had I truly wanted something to happen? Sure, I could't deny the sexual tension that had passed between us from the moment he stepped foot into my little apartment. It took a great deal of self control not to lunge my body at him, and I wanted to do that for two reasons. One – kill him, bite him, imprint scars, cause him insufferable pain (even though I didn't think of this when he was around) and watch while he fell back in anguish. Two – jump his bones and attack him like a deranged horny, sexually deprived animal and make him have sex with me right there and then. I kept chanting Jacob's name for a good five minutes on repeat after Edward had left, hoping that he would somehow miraculously appear and release me from the pent up sexual frustration that was sending me over the edge.

It didn't work.

I had grasped a lot of things from the conversation we had, even though my mind was swimming in various fantasies of us being together in a kind of way that Jacob would most definitely not appreciate. I had come to terms with the fact that whether I liked it or not (and I really hated it), no matter how long I kept deceiving myself, the truth was simple. I wanted Edward.

My mind might not have been happy with that decision; it might have fought against it. My heart might have been disappointed with me yet again that I was letting my superego overrule this but my body definitely what it wanted. It was seeking Edward, pleading, begging, wanting.

I quickly realized that I was in deep trouble for I had trapped myself in an atrocious triangle bounded by ties with lust and love. There were three points between each line drawn across to make the structure. I wanted Edward, I needed Jacob and I had myself. W_ant, need _and _have._ I was running after Jacob and Edward was chasing me (at least that's what I thought). It was an awful situation, and the only thing that seemed to be in common with both men was…love?

Whatever it was, it made me feel very disgusted.

Yesterday when had left me deserted again without a word just as he did on my wedding day; he had integrated something strong within me. He had reopened all the locked up desires and just left me crumbs to feed off of. He was like an addiction that I tried so hard to get rid of. But after seeing it, having that first dose when he kissed my hand, the not so _innocent _kiss had awoken every single cell in my body leaving them with a huge growing ache and a strong demand. I wanted him to quench the thirst of lust that had formed a lake in between my legs.

Basically, he left me all hot and bothered and wanting more. I was greedy whenever it came to him. Greedy and selfish.

I tried to sleep, I forced myself; I really did. The house suddenly became hot, very hot or maybe it was just me going insane because I was filled with so much desire and anger. Anger that once again he was able to get such a reaction from me even after all these years, my body should have learned it's lesson by now. Instead the slow burning flame inside of me melted me into wax and when I did fall asleep, I dreamed of him.

"_Do you know what this ring stands for Isabella?" his voice was light, merely dancing on the surface like a fly walking on top of water. "It means you're _bound _to _me," _the tone suddenly carried a heavy weight at the word _'bound' _and his eyes darkened. He moved closer to me and twisted the ring around my finger as I watched him, slightly afraid and a bit turned on. He looked like a predator. "It means that every time you look at another man, you will only see me. When I claim you officially at the altar, your thoughts," his hand played with a lock of hair. "–your body," his fingers skimmed the line of my throat. " –your soul, your heart," they rested themselves on my bra, leaning slightly toward my left breast. "_Everything_ will be _mine_ as I will be to you. Is that what you really want my Isabella?" he whispered the words with an uncertainty. "Do you want–"he closed his eyes, his hands running down to settle on my stomach. "–to be _bound_ to me?" he opened his eyes deadly, looking very lethal, his jaw stiff and his body tense like he was in pain._

I shivered at the memory that had imprinted itself into my sleep. Well he was right about one thing, when I closed my eyes, I saw him.

_Damn him, damn him all to hell, _I thought furiously, shifting the straps of my bag to a more comfortable position on my shoulder.

There was no way he was ever going to get to me; I wasn't falling for any of his sexy suave tricks. Lightening didn't strike twice in one place. He had his chance and he ruined it by himself. If he didn't want me then why did he propose in the first place? It's not like I threatened him or forced him, he came out of his own free will and he messed it up. He hadn't even given me a reason or a valid excuse as to why he left me. And even if he had a reason, no matter what the hell it was; it wasn't enough for him to leave me on my wedding day. The only acceptable excuse was if he died on his way to the church or had a severe accident, or got burnt or whatever. But he was in perfect shape, still is (apart from his knuckles), so why the hell did he think I'd give him a chance? He hadn't even told me why.

I finally made it to the grocery shop and grabbed a cart at the entrance. I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to my mother at the moment but then again, I didn't have a choice. First of all, I would have to explain why I hadn't announced my engagement and then she'd request for a further explanation on why it was on hold, very pathetic.

_Time. _

Patience was definitely not one of the characteristics I was born with. I couldn't even be patient with little things like waiting for the bus or waiting for my mother if it so happened that she hadn't arrived at the store. My eyes scanned the cashier section at the usual spot she normally waited for me.

"Bella," her voice sang as I saw her moving closer to me with an empty cart. Her arms opened wide and she pulled me in for a hug.

"Mother," I replied in the same voice with as much enthusiasm I could muster, hoping that it didn't sound sarcastic and she'd know I was genuinely happy to see her.

My mother and I had a very complicated relationship; we were kind of…close? On good days, we were a team; a team against Charlie, a team against problems dealing with men, a team against marrying again (even if I was), and a team against so many things.

However, on bad days we were rivals who could barely stand each other. We were against each other in matters concerning; her coming to my apartment to visit when I didn't invite her, her treating me like a child when I was clearly an adult, her choices, my choices and so many other things.

We fought like sisters, talked like best-friends, argued like mother and daughter. It was kind of a hate-to-love type of relationship. And her idea of spending time together so we could strengthen this bond was doing grocery shopping at least once a while. She had been a little worried about my food intake since the whole Edward incident and since then it just stuck that she should check how much I eat. Another one of the reasons why doing grocery shopping was a plus.

"You didn't even tell me Jake proposed; I had to hear it from Charlie and I'm your mother." She just went straight to the point, looking at the sparkling diamond that bounced off rainbow colors when held in the sunlight. "You didn't even call to tell me, don't you love me anymore?" she continued and I rolled my eyes as we went straight to the food section.

"I meant to tell you, I have just been caught up in a lot of things," I replied with one name coming into my mind.

_Edward. _

"You haven't started planning the wedding yet, have you? Have you set a date?" she tossed three packets of cereal into both of our carts.

"No mum." I removed the pack of Nesquik from my cart and placed it back in the shelf. "How can I deny you the liberty of torturing me with Alice? Besides you know I don't like planning things involved in that area."

"I thought you liked Nesquik?" she asked with a frown etched in the lines of her face.

"I don't like it anymore, I'm going with Cornflakes." I rolled the cart to another aisle with her following behind me.

"Sometimes, I'm really curious about your mood swings in food; one day you like this, the next day you like that." She shook her head and dropped some sausages and beef into the cart. "So how is Jacob and when do I get to formally be introduced to my son in-law?"

"He's fine, I guess," I said with a little bit of sadness. I hadn't heard all day since yesterday from him. I didn't even know if he was alive. I just needed some reassurance that he was still going to come back to me that I hadn't screwed this up completely. I hated not knowing. But I promised that I'd give him _time _and he hadn't taken the key to his apartment from me yet, so there was no need to panic…at least not yet.

"Bella, what have you done now?" Renee gave me a reprimanding look as she dumped more things into our carts.

"I didn't do anything," she arched a brow. "Ok fine, we're at crossroads and Edward is back and–"

"You didn't cheat on him, did you?" her voice raised an octave higher in disapproval.

"No…no…no…no, no!" I shook my head as if I could shake away the impure thoughts of my desires for Edward.

"You can't pick that one, there's dust all over it." She slapped my hand as I tried to reach for a bottle of ketchup. "So, what did you do then?" she picked the next closest one.

I grimaced. Saying the whole story over and over was becoming too repetitive, not to talk of emotionally draining and we were surrounded by food. So I tried to come up with the best possible way to tell her.

"Jake and I were having some personal time and Edward's name sort of…" I trailed off, praying that she'd understand and save me the misery of continuing. But of course, she was my mother and even if she did understand, she'd end up acting like she didn't. "I called Edward's name while we were…" my hands moved unconsciously to describe what exactly I was trying to say or maybe get some air to cool off the heat of embarrassment that burned my cheeks.

"Were…?" Renee looked at me expectantly, 'putting her throw into the cart' duties on pause.

I quickly rushed through a little explanation in whispers and her face changed into different shades of emotions and finally rested on being normal.

"I can't believe you still love Edward," she hissed.

"What? No," I looked at her, surprised that she just came up with that accusation with so little information. Please, I hoped I wasn't that transparent. "How can you even come up with that?"

"Then why would you shout his name?"

"I was swimming in the haze of alcohol, I was influenced and not in my right mind." – I was clearly possessed, why couldn't anyone see this?

"Bella, you should be careful with these things. Jacob is pretty sensitive no matter what you think. And you just can't go screaming other peoples' names in bed. It's not right," she said as we both rolled the full stocked up carts to the cashier section. Well, we weren't in bed. We were in the kitchen, but that doesn't count.

"Que sera sera." She tried to match the tones of Doris Day but didn't even come close. "If it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, you should call him and check how he's doing."

"I told him I'd give him some time besides he hasn't called me yet," I replied as we joined the end of the queue.

"Well aren't you even going to try? You are the one who offended him, why should he call you? You should be the one calling him," she hissed.

A few minutes passed as I thought of what I would say when I called Jake.

"Hello Miss Smith," Jane greeted as she walked to meet us with Chelsea and Vivian, her usual followers.

Jane Powers was one of my personal life adversaries. She just didn't like me and I really couldn't figure out why. We had gone to high school together and we kept our distance away from each other. Alice told me that it was because she had a huge crush on Edward and that was why she acted cruel to me. But we had left high school for a very long time now; you would think after all these years, she would have become mature or maybe carried on with life. It was like she was just brought into the world just to despise me.

"Hello Jane, how are you?" Renee answered, checking her purse for her cell phone.

"I'm very fine. How are you Bella?" her lips sketched into a cynical smile.

"Perfect."

"It's such a lovely evening; I have to keep up my own groceries. Have a nice day." She walked with her disciples further into the store.

"Phil's getting a little impatient about waiting for me," Renee said, placing her phone back into her purse.

"He has you the whole week and I borrow you for like what? Two hours and he gets agitated." I frowned.

"Oh honey," she said, sweet-talking me to forgive her with her pleading eyes. "Yeah, he wants me to get some Axe. Could you grab it from the cosmetics section while I watch these?" she gestured to the heaps of stuff in our carts.

"Okay."

I walked to the aisle and searched the shelves for the body spray when I heard Jane's voice slipping through from the other side.

"I heard he's back," her voice said, filled with an amount of happiness that I wasn't comfortable with.

"You know after leaving her that day. Do you think he's back to get her? I don't think so. I saw him walk in with a blond back home yesterday. You know the one he came with when he arrived. They seemed to be a pair." Her voice sounded repulsive at the end of the sentence.

"You think he's fucking her?" Chelsea asked and I followed the sound of their voices, totally forgetting the body spray I was supposed to get.

"Hell yeah, I stay on his floor. He came in with her at 11pm, what could they possibly be discussing by that time of the night? He's definitely fucking her. She's one lucky bitch. I've been trying to get my hands on that fine piece of ass since, after he left Bella I thought that maybe I would."

Jane couldn't be any more pathetic even if she tried.

"I did hear though that he, Emmett and the other one with the southern accent who's a therapist, that he has been trying to get Bella back even though it's gonna be futile." Vivian added.

"The truth is I'm not so sure if it's going to be futile. I mean look at her, she's a loser, a pitiful librarian hanging on the sleeves of a computer genius. I'm surprised though; I mean the Swan women have a lot in common. Renee had Charlie, dumped him and went to meet Phil whom she hasn't yet married and whom she's older than. Bella had Edward, chased him away from her; and is now engaged to Jacob, who's also younger than her. It's a trend in their family, kinda like a curse or something and both are unmarried. Yes, Bella is getting married but what if she chases Jacob away with whatever she chased Edward away with. Perhaps, Renee would run again like she did Charlie and leave Phil. In the end, they'd both be together because they couldn't get married," Jane finished.

My eyes prickled with tears at the vindictive words that vomited out of Jane's mouth. The words stung like poison into my blood stream and boiled. I wasn't crying because I was sad that she had those kind of thoughts stirring in her head. I was livid. I was livid because she brought my mother into this when Renee didn't deserve to be in it. It wasn't her place for her to say such about my mother even if she expected no one to hear.

With a new found determination, I cleaned my eyes and turned to the next aisle to face her and her crew.

"Hello Jane," I said nonchalantly, as I finally found the Axe spray I was looking for. I picked it up and walked away, holding my head high even though my insides were falling apart.

"Did you find it?" Renee asked as she placed the things on the conveyor belt.

"Yeah," I answered, trying my best to stall the heavy emotions that were threatening to break and spring out like a fountain.

~!&!~

I knocked on Alice's door for a couple of times before it was answered by a half-naked Jasper. He wore a pair of grey denim jeans that were long and had rugged edges at the end as they swept against the linoleum. His hair was a little shaken up and reminded me of Edward's own. His feet were bare and a wooden spoon was held in his right hand.

"Hello Bella, I didn't know Alice was expecting anyone," he said as he rested his side on the door.

"Oh my! I'm so sorry; I didn't know you were–"

"No, we're not." He smiled as he watched my face relax. "She's not at home, she's still at work. Do you want to come in and wait for her?" he asked as he opened the door wider and I walked inside.

The apartment was filled with a spicy delicious aroma that made my mouth water. I pulled off my shoes before stepping further just in case Alice came and caught me. Little things like that always irritated her.

"I'm just cooking dinner before she gets back. We haven't had much time together so I decided to surprise her tonight," he said as we passed the dining table that was set with a nice set of china, candles and a single lily in the middle. "Thought if I cook, she might forgive me," he laughed.

"It smells really good, what are you cooking?" I followed him into the kitchen.

"Uh, just boiled some potatoes, added a few fried chicken pieces here and there, onions, sauce, pasta…yeah." He turned off the cooker that had the pasta on top.

"Wow, so you can cook too. I thought only Edward and Emmett knew how to," I laughed, leaning on the fridge.

"Yeah, I can but not so much. Emmett probably knows more recipes than I do." He chuckled as he wiped his hands with the napkin after adding salt to the tomato sauce on the fire. "Though he might not admit that."

I watched him in silence as he sliced more green pepper and onions into the sauce. He looked like a skilled chef who was concentrating so much on how he could appease his customers. He almost reminded me of Edward and I slapped myself mentally for diving on that train of thought.

"Jasper, I have something I wanna ask you," I said after a few minutes. I swallowed heavily before speaking. "I have a friend who's in some trouble with her boyfriend; she called another man's name while they were intimate. And he's really upset with her, what can she do to prove that she's sorry and that it will never happen again?"

Jasper stayed quiet for a couple of seconds before answering. "That's pretty heavy," he tasted the sauce with the tip of the spoon. "That's going to be difficult because the girl just killed his self esteem and made him feel like he's either not good, or he's too good that he has to be compared to the guy she called. He'll probably think the girl was thinking of another guy while she was sleeping with him and he would begin to doubt his trust in her."

"So if Alice were to do something like that, would you still be able to forgive her?" I cut in.

A laugh escaped from his lips before he settled on being serious. "I love Alice, I really do and I really hope that she doesn't ever allow that to happen to me because it's too complicated. But if it did, hypothetically speaking, I don't know. I'll be hurt, and I might even leave her. But that's from a general guy's perspective and I'm Jasper so I don't know what I'd do except I'm in that situation."

I nodded my head in reason and felt a bit depressed that I hadn't still gotten a specific answer on what exactly to do to win Jacob back.

Jasper realized this from the expression written on my face and spoke. "The truth is it all comes down to trust. He might think the girl said the other guy's name because she was cheating on him. Or that maybe he feels that he's not good enough for her to even call his name. Or maybe she doesn't feel the same way he feels for her." – I frowned at that. Jacob should have known that I loved him dearly. "I'm not saying that it might be exactly so, but there are a lot of things to consider. You ladies think that because we're men, we don't have feelings and we can't feel bad. Something like that hurts a guy a lot especially if he loves the girl. So she has to prove to him that she does love him and if she really does, she'll find a way. It all has to come from within her because if she knows her boyfriend then she can win him back."

I nodded silently, my head was already aching from the events that happened this past week and I wasn't sure if I could take anymore.

"Alice's birthday is coming up soon and I still don't know what to get her," I said, quickly changing the topic.

Well, it was true. Alice was a diva who got everything whenever she wanted it. She had almost a hundred pairs of shoes, a wardrobe filled with clothes that could probably last me for ages and all other things she had were in excess. I considered getting her a household appliance because I just couldn't give her anything that she didn't have already.

"Her birthday party is coming up, don't forget that! Next two weeks." He pointed the spoon at me. "It's at Rose's house."

Jasper and I talked some more while I waited for Alice to come back home. But she called in to say she was coming late so I went home. My head drowned in everything that had happened this week. I was confused and it didn't help that I could still hear Jane's voice in my head because in every rumor there was an atom of truth. Had I really driven Edward away? And if so, then why was he back? Not to talk of the fact that he was back and yet he was with someone else. I had asked him if she was his girlfriend and he hadn't denied it. Jane confirmed that there was something going on when she said she saw him return late at night with her, the same person. Who was she to him and how long had they been together?

Why the hell was I even thinking about this in the first place? This wasn't my business. Getting Jacob to accept me back as his fiancée was my goal. Edward was history. I decided that I didn't care what he did with his life. I wasn't a part of it anymore. He had probably moved on and was trying to treat me as a joke.

I was going to fix things with Jacob and show Edward just how much I had moved on. How much I had grown from the five year old girl he once knew. How happy I was with Jacob and how him being here wasn't threatening us in any way. He wasn't going to change my mind or my decision. I was going to marry Jacob Black even if it took me years. I would make it up to him and beg him to take me back.

I got to my door and found a package sitting in the front. It was small and looked like it contained a pile of books. It was packaged with simplicity, adorned with no decorative bows or any wrapper. I picked it up and took it into the apartment. I set it on the table, my heart pounding nervously in my chest. I wasn't sure why I was feeling nervous. If Jacob wanted to throw my things out of the apartment, the contents couldn't be so small to fit in this small pack. Except he was writing a letter, maybe there were many letters stacked together and that's why I thought it was a pile of books. Maybe he was telling me he didn't want to marry me anymore.

I hissed at my absurdity.

I picked it up and saw a name with 'Bella' written across the pack. I opened it gently and found a book that had all of Shakespeare's 154 sonnets but someone had scribbled a plus 1 to the 4. From memory, I recalled that Shakespeare only had 154 sonnets so I disregarded it as ignorance. I removed the book and then found a new copy of Mansfield Park and I immediately knew who it was from.

He had the nerve, the audacity to think that if he just bought a book for me that I'd take him back. Did he think he could just buy me with his money and I'll walk gallantly back into his arms? That a couple of Jane Austen and Shakespearean words were going to fix this? Was this how he was planning to try? I pushed the books back with an incredible amount of force and was rewarded with a thud as they fell to the floor.

I got up and checked the time; he was not going to sidetrack me from visiting Jacob today. I was on a mission and I needed to fix this today. Edward could go to hell. I got into the shower and relaxed my nerves with the hot water spraying over my body. I had placed a CD into the player to keep me busy and my mind clear as I took a bath.

I got out and wore the finest lingerie that I could find in my wardrobe. I owed it to my friends for making me have sexy clothing, if not I'd be stuck in times of emergency like this. I dried my hair out and tried to tong it with the curling iron but was failing miserably. So I just straightened it and brushed it down. I wore a long jacket and carried the bouquet of roses I had ordered earlier and made my way out to Jake's apartment.

It had only been a week and a half since the whole…I wasn't even sure what to call it – breakup? Hold? Wait in engagement? But I needed to do something. I felt useless just sitting down and waiting for him to call me, practically having an anxiety attack whenever my phone rang or a text beeped in. I had to work for it, if he saw that somehow I still cared for him and I hadn't forgotten him, he would see that I loved him very much.

However when I arrived at the building, all the confidence I had built up, broke down before me like a house not built on only sand. And seeing Michael at the front desk did not help it either.

"Miss Swan, you're back. I was a little worried that since the last time you left, you weren't going to come back." He said swinging a bunch of keys in the crook of his finger as I walked in.

I kept quiet. I needed to save all my speech for Jacob and I wasn't going to waste it on a security guard who had nothing to do. Besides, maybe if I had ignored him, he'd actually see that I didn't want to talk to him.

But I should have known that that simple tactic wasn't going to work, for he became persistent.

"Mr. Black has been working really late these days. He doesn't come until past midnight. Not sure why but he has been looking like something was on his mind. Perhaps it's just me seeing things." He continued in his annoying voice and I pressed the button for the elevator again, wishing it'd come sooner.

Today must have known that I would need some luck because the elevator opened and I muttered my thanks to whoever was up there as I entered it.

I hadn't even rehearsed what I was going to say or why exactly I had decided to come to his apartment half naked. I didn't even know if I was going to go through with this. I kept telling myself that I was letting my alter ego rule this, since my natural self was a coward. I needed to do this for Jacob. He needed to know that he could trust me.

I knocked on the door but no one answered. I opened the door with my key and was welcomed by emptiness and darkness. I kicked off my sneakers and flicked on the lights. I waited for a while until I heard the click of the door opening; I arranged the roses on the bed. He always tried to make everything look so romantic so definitely; I could try and return the favor.

I removed my jacket, feeling a little uncomfortable being left with only my underwear. But if he was tempted and he slept with me this night and I didn't call Edward's name, he'd know that we could get over this.

I immediately missed the soft protection of the material as I threw the jacket over the bed and watched it land on the chair. I heard a few footsteps and some voices and panic gripped me.

Jacob opened the door and his eyes glued to me in shock as he and some of his associates who were hanging around in front of his room saw me lying naked on the bed. I quickly grabbed the covers of the bed in mortification and used them to cover up my body.

He snapped back to earth. "Um, guys could you give me a minute. Just…I'll call you." He rushed them out of the door and quickly shut it.

I grabbed the pillow above my head and poured my whole mortification in form of tears into the softness. I turned to my side and wept out slowly. I was exhausted and weak; I was tired of ruining things. I was tired of making a fool out of myself when everything was already in hell.

It definitely could get worse.

My life was a joke, a complete horrible joke. I was a mess and I needed to start over to save my sanity. In my alcoholic state, I had pushed my fiancé away and in my sober state, I had completely made a fool out of myself and him.

Was I ever going to do anything right?

I cried loudly but my screams were muffled by the pillow suffocating me. I was hoping that somehow I would get the strength to just squeeze it harder so my breathing could stop and I could end all this humiliation.

Humiliation couldn't even cover exactly what I felt.

After a while, I heard Jake shift next to me. I felt the bed slowly move as he sat down and he let me cry. He ran his hands through my hair in a comforting gesture but he couldn't even calm me down or make me feel better with myself.

The only person who could was the person who started this in the first place.

"I'm sorry Bella," Jake said as he continued caressing my hair. "I didn't know that you were going to be here. You didn't call me." He spoke quietly as my cries turned into sobs.

"You didn't call me," I whispered as I shifted the pillow away from me to get a little air.

"I told you…" he sighed. "I _need_ time to deal with this."

"Do you still love me?" I asked.

He pulled in a deep breath and rubbed his head. "Yes and that's why I have to work this out on my own. I just need you to…damn Bella. I feel really bad about this."

"Are you embarrassed?" I croaked, my throat felt thick and constricted, and my face felt all sticky with sweat and tears.

"Bella," he called. "Bella please look at me," he spoke softly and I couldn't deny him anything when he talked to me like that. "I'm not embarrassed. Actually I'm happy because now my co-workers would know that I have a very sexy fiancée." My cheeks flamed up and he chuckled. "And I can boast that I have a gorgeous woman to come home to when I get married." I placed the pillow on my face, afraid that if I looked at him I would probably fall to pieces. "I should take you home." I felt him stand up from the bed.

I launched my hands out of the covers and grabbed my jacket before placing it on. My face probably looked as horrible as I felt so I went to the bathroom to splash cold water on it. I couldn't look at my reflection in the mirror, afraid at what I might see. I still felt ashamed.

Jacob drove me home and gave me a kiss on the cheek – which did disappoint me – but offered me a kind of reassurance that we were going to be okay. I got in to my place and took a cold shower this time. After the whole turn out of events today and my excessive crying; I felt that the cold water would soothe me better than the hot water.

After getting tucked in bed, just as I was about to drift off to oblivion there was a knock on my door. I frowned because it was pretty late at night and I was worn out, I wasn't ready for visitors. I found my slippers and went to open the door.

And low and behold, Edward Cullen was standing at my door looking dead beat.

"GET OUT!" My voice came up as an uproar.

* * *

**And I'm sorry to leave it here. Especially when I think it was just getting juicy. As usual, there are little things I left in this chapter. ****Oh and you all make me laugh with the theories of people Edward punched. I shall reveal next chapter. **

**Sorry about the long chapter. Till next chap!**


	8. Wine, Apple & Sonnets

**A/n: Dear Readers, THANK YOU so MUCH for your amazing reviews/story alerts/favorites. You guys give me the drive to whip up a chapter just by seeing them in my inbox. I love hearing your thoughts because they help improve the story. **

**I want to thank my darling lovely fic boss, Kuntrygal. Trust me, she's the BEST boss ever. She handled this disaster of a chapter. You should check out her new story, 'you belong with me'. It's awesome!**

**So Lambie and I had a little fight on the thread and sweet Lambie/Edward won (shocker!). Anyway, I'm on Jake's side and I'm the writer so we'll see who she ends up with…hah! *Insert evil laugh***

**I own NOTHING! I borrowed the apple from the cover of Twilight along with its characters and told Shakespeare to write me an 'almost' sonnet that describes Edward's feelings. Unfortunately, Shakespeare said Edward had too many shit and had to reduce the sonnet from 19 to 15 lines which could explain why it's written as 'almost'. **

**WARNING: This chapter may contain scenes with coarse language and sexual themes, if you're too young, please do not proceed.**

* * *

Wine, Apples & Sonnets

I never really knew how much energy it took for one to shout or scream or raise one's voice more than the normal speaking level. The small action was so draining. My throat felt stressed as the words floated out of it with so much work. And after I had released that last word 'out', I felt like someone had just removed a brick from me. I should have definitely eaten before testing the limits of my voice box.

I looked at Edward's face which was now staring at me with eyes wide as the shape of saucers, and a shocked expression. It was quite nice to know that I had dazed the two men in my life in one night and they both rewarded me with the same look of stupefaction.

_I'm definitely a piece of work_

Let's recall why I shouted at him. I knew most of it was from sheer frustration and also the fact that he appeared _every_ time I was feeling down, like he was a magnet for my pain. How ridiculous. He caused the pain so maybe he should have a taste of it. Maybe I should let him see me looking all haggard and pathetic, which always seemed to get to him when we were together. But of course if he was over me now, that wouldn't exactly work. And let's also not forget that stupid package.

I wanted to shout again since he didn't get the point the first time and that's why he was still standing here. I waited for him to leave but he stood transfixed and his eyes pierced right through mine. I took this time to really look at his face. He had dark circles under his eyes. His face looked so worn out and sad, almost had a reflection of what I felt on the inside.

He was with other women so I wasn't buying it. I bet Blondie always made him feel better after a while.

"What is it exactly that you want?" my voice spat venomously and if I was the one hearing it, I'd probably cringe at the sound.

"Stop being so hostile, it doesn't fucking suit you," he brushed past me and walked into the room like I hadn't said anything.

I didn't have the strength to even comment on that statement. _Damn! Being angry was exhausting._ I closed the door and watched him rummage through my fridge.

"You know, you can't just walk into people's apartments and do whatever the hell you want. You don't pay for the rent and I believe nothing here belongs to you." I placed my hands on my hips, not hiding the look of distaste on my face. "You're invading my privacy,"

He shut the door of the fridge with a slam and walked over to me. He pushed me roughly to the wall and trapped my body against his. His left leg shoved roughly in between my thighs and his hands circled themselves around my waist, holding me firmly against him. His arousal danced on my other thigh and I could feel how badly he wanted me.

I felt my throat dry up as a surge of lust racked through my body. I tried to move my hands to push him off but his stance was tight and all I could do was feel my body sandwiched between the hard wall behind my back and his built body pressed in front of my chest. The heat of my desire came into contact with his jean-covered thigh and an odd shrill of disappointment rained through me that we weren't skin to skin. He was like wine, every time he got closer to me, the attraction just kept getting stronger and stronger with every taste. Like alcohol, every time I tasted it, I wanted more.

"F-u-c-k…" his voice let out a sexy groan and the sound made my knees utterly weak. His chin pressed against my cheek as if to whisper something in my ear and I could feel his rough stubble brush against it. The steam of his breath burnt my face, caressing it with every air pulled out of his mouth. "Now this is invading of privacy because I'm in your personal space and every breath I let out is hitting your face." His voice was deep and stabbed with a darkening desire that almost…almost made me fall to ashes. He placed a chaste kiss at the side of my neck, and I tucked my lower lip in between my teeth to swallow back the moan threatening to escape. "Fuck, I'm sorry," he pulled away quickly, his face designed into a frown. "I shouldn't have done that. I couldn't resist." He ran his hands through his hair.

I adjusted my nightgown and tried to get my features composed. "I need you to leave," I said in a tight voice, pretending to be un-phased by him.

"Why?" amusement colored his eyes. "Are you afraid that you'll be tempted?" he shot me a questioning gaze, his lips quivering with a crooked smile.

I clenched my fists at the challenge. "I won't be tempted to do anything with you. I can't even stand to be in the same room with you. How can you not see that?" I asked, my voice turning on the edge of aggravation as he stood there un-flinched.

He ignored me and opened back the fridge. His eyes roamed through the contents before he brought out a red apple. He ran the gush of water over the fruit before sinking his teeth slowly into it. "Do you know why I find apples to be one of the most intriguing fruits?" he said, inspecting the fruit which now had the prints of his teeth signed into it. "It's because of its appearance. The feisty red reminds me of whenever your cheeks flush due to embarrassment, anger or shyness. It's such a simple fucking fruit on the outside and yet it seems to give off the most _erotic _vibes just looking at it. That's the way I see you. You're one of the simplest girls I've seen, you're natural and yet you create this…" he trailed off, still looking at the fruit. "The fruit is always used to symbolize what is forbidden; perhaps it's because of the biblical theory attached to it. That's also one of the ways I see you. You're _forbidden_ to me and yet, I just can't find it within myself to stay the fuck _away_," he choked on the word, his eyes now looking at the place he had bitten with remorse. "Oh look, I bite and then it turns brown, how pretty fucked up," he frowned and tossed it in the bin.

I stood there a little shocked at where all that had just come from. The words came out of his mouth with so many anchors to them, like I was supposed to be reading meanings into it. He had compared me to a fruit. I didn't like the analogy of the fruit. Everything that had a good side had a bad side. Apples were always fruits related to poison like in Snow White. Was he saying I was poison to him? Did the bad outweigh the good? Where poisons stronger than forbidden things?

"I don't want any other man to taint you. I don't want them to fucking taste you either. They shouldn't be given the chance to corrupt you; I should be the only one doing that." He closed his eyes and used his hands to mop his face. "It fucking sickens me to know that you share these little gifts that I have treasured with someone else," he sighed.

Understanding dawned on me and my muscles constricted in rage. "You have _no _right to ever comment on my sex life. You have no right to tell me the man that I should, or should not be with. You walked out on that right years ago, so don't you start coming in here acting like a saint when you're nothing but a fool who was scared to live his life."

"I don't want him with you Isabella," his tone was pierced with anger as he pounded his fists on the fridge.

"And I don't _bloody _care what you think," I barked back, my words injected with a salt of bitterness. "You think you can come here and act all high and mighty. You think you can buy me a couple of sonnets and a book just to what? Show me that you're sorry? You think after you walked away, you can just come and act like nothing happened. I'm no longer _bound _to you," I said in the same word he had used to describe our marriage. "I'm engaged to someone who loves me even when he has so much crap to take from me. Someone that isn't going anywhere, someone that knows what he wants. Someone that isn't _you_," I hit the nail on the head and watched as the anger passed through his body and rested in his eyes.

"Mother of fuck Isabella!" he snarled like a menacing lion ready to consume his prey. "I never bought you. I never even for a fucking second thought of buying your love back. I only thought you needed it. It wasn't about the money; it was about what the content _signified_,"

"And I don't care Edward. I truly don't care what it meant. I really don't want to know, I've moved on. I'm getting married. I'm happy; Jake makes me happy so please leave me alone." I cried, tiredness engraved in my voice.

"You don't love him Isabella; you love the idea of having him. The idea that you would belong to someone who would want you, and be there for you but fuck it! You're running to the wrong fucking title, you already belong to me," he moved closer to me. "I claimed you, the fuck, first," the back of his hands rubbed the side of my face in a gentle glide.

"You know how you once told me a ring is like a chain. A constant reminder of what a person is to you?" I lifted my left hand, admiring the band and the way it clung to my fourth finger. I waited till his eyes darted over to it. "Well, the only person's chain I see tying me to him is _Jacob, _and so therefore it is _only him _I _see_," I complimented my words with a satisfied smile and noticed the anger flickering in his eyes.

"Goddammit! Don't test me Isabella," he grabbed a fist full of my nightdress and clenched it under his fingers, bringing my body to his. "I was an ass and I know it, but you've proved your point."

"This is not proving any damn point Edward; I'm with him because I love him not because I'm trying to prove something to you. This has nothing to do with you. God! You must always bring it back to you," I tried to struggle my way out of his grasp but it was futile.

"It always comes back to me because it's _you_." His voice boomed into my ears and his lips brushed past the top of my ears as I released a faint gasp. His hands roamed from my back down to settle on my waist, and the feel of it stung an electric feeling along my spine. "Do I make you nervous?" he skimmed his nose along the column of my throat.

"No," I stuttered, my body submitting to his every demand unconsciously.

"Then why are there fucking goosebumps on your skin?" his right hand played along my arm and I drilled my teeth into my lower lip. "Are you about to crack my Isabella?" he asked, as he pushed my body to rest gently on the wall.

"Crack?" I wanted my voice sound like a strong – strong…strong what? Anyway, I sounded like a wounded animal.

"Do you want to kiss me, Isabella?" he captured my earlobe between his teeth and bit down gently and the motion almost made me collapse to the floor. "Because if you do, my lips are always yours, you know that,"

"The same lips that kissed Tanya?" I was surprised at where that came from. I didn't even know I knew her name. And it was also bewildering to know that my brain was still working after the whole sensual bliss that had passed between us. Perhaps it was locked up somewhere in my unconscious.

His body stiffened at the name and for a moment all his ministrations paused. "Don't call her name here"

"Why?" I spoke more clearly now that I was no longer under the influence of him. "You don't want to be reminded that you're cheating on her with me?"

"She means nothing to me," his jaw clenched.

"I would like to think that, but then since Jane has already confirmed that she saw her with you the night you came to beg me, I can only think otherwise," I moved my face away from him, I could feel his ragged breathing racking through his chest and hitting mine. My nipples were straining through my nightgown and his erection was slammed into my stomach.

"Jane is psychotic and she's just jealous that I want you," he said so quietly that I almost thought I imagined it.

His arms loosened around me and his body created a small distance between me and him.

"I think you should leave before my fiancé gets back, I wouldn't want him to think I'm cheating on him," I used this opportunity to leave his embrace and I welcomed the chill air as I was free from his hold.

"Isabella," he muttered and kicked the bin in annoyance.

"Please leave," I pressed on and this time he listened to me. He walked out of the door and before I could say or do anything else, I closed it and locked it.

I was so mad. For the second time, he didn't deny that he had anything to do with her. He didn't even deny it and yet he kept telling me I meant something to him. How could you mean so much to someone if you were with someone else? Did he think that I was a fool that could be played with?

He didn't even justify himself either, instead he resulted to his stupid seduction techniques that I, once again, almost fell for. My nerves were coiling in anger ready to burst and spring out. I reached to the table where I had dropped the books he had sent, ready to pour my anger on them when I hit my foot on the legs of the table mistakenly.

"Shoot," I hissed as my hands rubbed the spot that was wailing in pain.

_He should have taken the damned books!_

I looked at the spot to check if there was any swelling and my eyes drifted to a folded little paper that was peeking out of from Shakespeare's book.

I picked it up wondering what the hell it was and opened it. The paper had a vintage feel and it was light brown in colour. It reminded me of something ancient. The writing was in a smooth black calligraphy and had a couple of black blot stains on the sides like the ink had run across when used to write.

_To my Isabella; the 155__th__ 'almost' sonnet of Shakespeare's work:_

_Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds_

_It is an ever fixed mark._

_Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks._

_Our love was new, and but then in the spring._

_All men make faults and even I in this,_

_Mark how with my neglect I do dispense,_

_To that sweet thief which sourly robs from me,_

_And watch wretched errors hath my heart committed._

_To live a second life as on a second head._

_Applying fears to hopes, hopes to fears still losing when I saw myself to win._

_I love not less, though less the show appear,_

_You are so strongly in my purpose bred,_

_That all the world besides me thinks are dead._

_You are my all the world and I must strive,_

_None else to me, nor I to none alive._

_I will always be yours. Edward._

*~*~&~*~*

"_No matter what, always know that I love you, always." – Edward Cullen._

"Bella! Bella! Bella!" Alice snapped her thin fingers in front of my face and brought me out of my daydreams. "Are you sure you're alright? Look, I know you and Jacob are having some fucked up issues right now but you don't have to look like you've just lost someone," she hissed and drank a gulp of hot coffee.

"I'm so sorry, I dazed out for a second," I answered as my two friends looked at me like someone had just hit me with a car.

"Bells, this is not you. You've been zooming out of this whole conversation for like three times now, did something else happen with Jake?" Rosalie butted in, munching on her white macadamia cookie.

"I'm fine, seriously. So what were we talking about?" I looked back to my untouched strawberry frappucino, watching how the whip cream slid from the straw into the cup. I had lost my appetite for frappucinos and had only taken one the last time Edward and I sat in this same Starbucks shop.

"Today is my fucking birthday and I'm twenty-motherfucking-seven, I feel like I'm growing old. Jasper keeps telling me that there's nothing to worry about but the fuck there is, like seriously. I don't know," Alice pouted and I decided to order for a cup of coffee. That way I would be able to keep myself awake while listening to Alice rant.

She always went through this ritual every year she turned a year older and Rosalie always had something to say each time the whining started.

"Alice, think of it this way, every year you grow older, you get closer to your death and then you wouldn't even care if you're getting older in your grave. Your corpse would be beautiful and frozen the way it is,"

"Rose!" I exclaimed as Alice hid her face in her palms. "Alice, don't listen to Rose. Look, I'm twenty seven and I'm a librarian whose fiancé is on a break while my ex fiancé is back to haunt me. Your life isn't that bad,"

"She's right mouse. Other people have bigger problems and yet we get to listen to you whine your sorry ass. I'm even older than you two hookers and I'm a bored wife with a child who wouldn't let me sleep and a husband who doesn't give me the fucking time of day," Rose dusted her hands at the side of the table.

"Ok, you bitches have it worse than me. I'll suck it up for now," she twisted the paper in her hands and sulked while Rose just rolled her eyes at her. "I need alcohol, why doesn't Starbucks sell alcohol?"

"Um, 'cause this ain't a bar baby," Rose replied. "Anyway, what are you planning to do today now that you've decided to take the day off?"

"I'm probably gonna go back to my house and sleep, you know, like until the fucking day is over."

"Erm, no, you're not sleeping," Rose interjected, slapping her flat palm against the table. "If anyone is sleeping it's this dyke over here, who looks like she hasn't slept for days. Are you sure you're alright B?"

"Yes, I am and no I'm not a dyke. Geez, do you know the walls have ears? Next thing you'll hear is that Jake dumped me because I prefer having my sexual adventures with the other sex,"

Jane would definitely appreciate that news.

"Whatever, what has that stupid nutcase done?" Rose persisted.

"Who?"

"Edward the whorebag, what the fuck has he done now?" she rested her chin on the bridge; the back of her hands had created.

"How do you know he did something?"

"'Cause only he makes you look so grieved,"

"He does not," I countered. That sounded so harsh and un-true. I knew some good times we shared, actually I could count a lot of times we were happy, well…until he left.

"Don't stall Bella!" her beautiful face scrunched up into a scowl as if she were censuring a child.

"Holy shit!" Alice gasped and then her right hand flew to cover her mouth. Rose and I turned to face her in shock even though Rose's face appeared to be mostly angered by the interruption.

"What is it?" Rose hissed.

"My stalker, oh my fucking god, he just walked into the shop, please hide me. I cannot deal with this today," she placed her Louis Vuitton bag in front of her face.

"Who the fuck is your stalker?" Rose asked, turning her head and searching for the person.

"You have a stalker? Like a personal stalker, like someone who follows you around and freaks you out?" I asked a little bit bemused as Alice shifted further into her seat.

"Um, I think we all know what a stalker is B, Alice where the hell is he?"

Alice lowered her bag and then slowly pointed to a guy who had walked in, dressed in beige buttoned down shirt and a pair of plain black pants. He had some strands of hair standing on his shiny head and could definitely pass as a bald guy. He was looking at his watch before advancing to the queue to order something.

Rosalie burst into a boisterous laughter and it reminded me of Emmett while Alice continued hiding. The guy looked at us because of the sound coming from Rose and then he spotted Alice or what he thought was Alice, since her face was still at the back of her bag.

"Rose stop laughing," I slapped her with a folded magazine. She nodded and then tried to catch her breath as I saw the guy approach us.

"Hello beautiful ladies," he rubbed his head which brought our attention to the fact that there was so little hair on it. Rose snorted and did her best to hide her laughter. "Hey, it's nice to see you here," he nudged Alice, who had brought her bag down knowing that it didn't save her.

She gave Rose a glare before answering. "Yeah," she held her neck and cleared her throat.

"You always never give me your number every time I ask, please can I have it?" he continued looking at Alice.

"You know, today is her birthday maybe you could buy her a cake or something–" Rose's words got muffled by the piece of banana bread Alice stuck into her mouth.

"Oh I didn't know that, happy birthday. Perhaps I should buy you something, what would you like?" the man asked and I couldn't help but chuckle.

"You want to buy my birthday gift from Starbucks?" Alice asked in both disbelief and horror.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I could take you out and then from there we could have dinner,"

"Fuck no! Look, I'm sorry but I would not like to go anywhere with you. I have a boyfriend, whom, if I told him about you, would put you in behind bars. Please leave me alone. I'm not interested in you in any way and I'm definitely not going to give you my number." Alice poured out her speech in an angry meltdown as the guy looked at her with shock and disappointment before he left the shop with shame.

"Oh my fucking god!" Rose held her chest and the table as she laughed aloud and snorted.

"A-Alice, what the–?" I asked, astonished and grateful that we had that distraction from Rose's pouncing on my topic.

"Don't ask." She held up her right hand. "Can we leave?"

"Why? Aren't we going to like wait for him to come back? Maybe this time he'll get you a gift." Rose teased as we all stood up to leave and she was rewarded with another smack from Alice.

"So mouse, you're really not going to do anything today?" Rose asked after we had walked a block.

"Nope, I'm just not up for it, you know planning can be a hassle and today's already here," she searched her bag for a pink lip gloss which she applied.

"Why don't you come to my place and we could watch TV or something, Emmett's having one of those long working hours,"

"Okay, Bella you should join us. We could drink; you know spend some girl time. Although since we're old whores, it wouldn't be girl-time. It would be woman time and then we'd all have to talk about our children instead of our new sex positions, our husbands instead of our new wild escapades with men, our–" Alice rambled and rambled on.

"I'll take you home," Rose abruptly cut her in, saving us from drowning in her talk. "How can you even act like this? You're not drunk yet."

"Maybe if I act like I am, then the effect I need it to do will happen?" she raised an eyebrow and both Rose and I giggled.

"Alright guys, I'll see you in a bit. I'm just going to take a shower and get ready for - you know?" I said, trying to flag a cab while Rose kept shooting me cautionary glances.

*~*~&~*~*

After refreshing my brain with sleep for a few hours, I got ready for Alice's surprise birthday party. When I arrived at Rose's mansion, the place was littered with people. Some that I imagined were either Alice's friends or colleagues, all drinking and hanging around. The dining room had been cleared to represent a dance floor with a disco light hanging at the ceiling.

I made my way towards the bar and stopped halfway when I found Emmett and Jasper, drinking and laughing with Edward. I had totally forgotten that he was Alice's friend and would therefore be invited to the party. I didn't just expect to see him so soon. I wasn't prepared to see him after our last confrontation, I needed to still deal with his issues and what he meant by that sonnet he wrote. His eyes flickered to me with a smile for a second before he carried on with his conversation like he hadn't seen me.

"Hey, Ms. Pretty," I jumped as I felt two index fingers poking my sides.

"Seth!" I smacked his chest as I turned around to face him and was greeted with a fractured jaw. "Oh my God Seth, what happened to you?"

"Nah, it's nothing. Just had a fight with a friend, it's okay." He shrugged.

"Are you sure?" I asked, tracing the cut on his lip with my fingers.

The wound looked like it was already healing because the bruises were fading into yellow scars except for the small clot at the bottom.

"Sure, I'm a guy, this is nothing," his lips drew a cute smile and I decided to drop the topic even though I was curious because I knew he was getting uncomfortable. "So how's Jake?"

"Fine, I guess," I replied, wondering where Rose and Alice were.

At that moment, they both came in through the door and everyone turned to them and shouted 'surprise' to Alice. My face widened with a smile when I saw Alice's facial expression. A pink colour stung her cheeks as she took in the amount of people singing the all too familiar birthday song, or should I say anthem. At first I wasn't sure whether she was actually happy or completely mortified as she stood in bewilderment with Rose's hands wrapped around her. I looked over to Jasper before looking back to Rose; we were all standing all on needles waiting for her response.

"Thanks guys!" she cried out in joy, or at least we thought so, and we all visibly relaxed. Jasper walked over to her and gave her a hug while Rose came over to where Seth and I stood.

"Glad that worked out well; let's hope there isn't too much waterworks. I don't think I have a bucket," Rose said, adjusting her hair and looking around for Emmett. "She looks beautiful doesn't she?" her eyes moved back to Alice.

I nodded as I looked at Alice's outfit again. She was dressed in a short sequin dress and a pair of long strapped black stilettos. Her hair was worn out in tight spiral curls that complimented her face. She caught me looking at her and came over to meet us.

"Thank you so much guys. I can't believe after my fucking wailing you still went on with this. Thanks. Although you do know, you could have the carried the party outside and had lights all over the yard. It would have made it easier for you instead of clearing the dining room. The disco light could have been at the center and it should have been small so it wouldn't give you stress of putting–"

"I'm sorry, can I get you a fucking drink? You seem thirsty plus it will help in keeping that brain of yours on lockdown and prevent it from spilling shit before I put my fucking shoe up your ass," Rose hissed and we all laughed.

"I wasn't sure what to get you." I smiled as I pulled out the blue envelope from my bag. "Actually _we_ weren't sure what to get you," I gestured to me and Rose. "'Cause you know, you have _everything_. I thought about getting you a blender since your wardrobe is full."

"Oh you could have, Jasper broke the blender."

"Anyway, we got you this," I handed her the small envelope and smiled as I realized that she must have thought it was a birthday card.

"Oh you're so sweet, you sexy mutt,"

"Open it," Rose urged on with impatience.

"Okay," Alice eyed us skeptically as she struggled to open the envelope.

"Oh and Rose planned on making you a knitted red cap as your birthday gift, you know how you're always like you'll appreciate everything we give you,"

"I thought about getting you some sex toys too because of Jasper's negligence, I think I did." Rose added.

"Oh my freaking Christ! A $500 gift card to the spa? You bitches are so fucking cool!" she pulled me and Rose into a tight uncomfortable embrace. "And yeah, I'll still need that toy," she winked at Rose and peeked to see if Jasper was anywhere nearby.

We all separated after that. Alice kept on getting various gifts and a few more surprises. Jasper bought tickets for them to travel to someplace for a week.

I avoided Edward for most of the time and kept myself busy with Seth who kept on cracking jokes. I knew I couldn't avoid him for long, especially since he was one of the bartenders and I badly needed a drink and everyone I asked refused to get it for me. So I worked up the courage to go meet him. After all he didn't have some sort of spiritual powers, he wasn't an assassin or a deadly person, and he wasn't a big burly guy like Emmett who could crunch me in a second. No, he was Edward Cullen, the beautiful man who created a disaster, the beautiful disaster that made my heart melt into wax. He couldn't harm me, he had already done that or could he still be able to?

"Um, hi, could I get a virgin strawberry daiquiri please?" I pursed my lips as Edward placed the white napkin on his left shoulder.

"Hello gorgeous, haven't seen you in ages," Emmett beamed at me while pouring a shot of tequila for someone.

"I'm great Em, how're you?" I smiled as I felt Edward's eyes on me. Awareness prickled down my spine as I prayed that there wasn't any blob of food or cobweb suddenly stuck to my hair or my face.

"Perfecto!" Emmett grinned. "I'll be right back, I need to serve Rose her drink. Edward, take care of here, I'll be right back," he said before taking off.

"Where's your fiancé?" his eyebrows furrowed as he started making the daiquiri. "I wonder why he would want you to come here alone. Whenever I was with you, I never left you on your own," his eyes squinted at the drink in concentration, as if he were trying to make the perfect drink for _me_. I rolled my eyes at the ludicrous thought. Surely, everything wasn't about _me_. I was a very considerate person. I wasn't as selfish as he was.

He allowed our hands make a brief contact as he handed the drink. "Yeah, except when you were with Jessica." I answered, taking my drink and going back to Seth.

Seth and I continued engaging ourselves in irrelevant banter and I laughed and flirted with him for fun. It wasn't a serious flirtation because I didn't see Seth that way and he knew that. It was just _our _thing.

"Hey baby," I heard Jacob's voice whisper in my ears and I turned to face him.

"Oh my!" I shouted in elation as I slung my arms around his neck.

"Thought I should come for Alice's birthday and also pay you a surprise visit," he said but I had sealed any further explanation with a kiss.

I didn't care what he had to say, so far he was here. Each day, he kept on proving to me that he was different from Edward. The kiss started off softly, like the welcoming kisses he usually gave me when I came back from work. I was welcoming him back into my life because if he decided to show up and surprise me that meant he had forgiven me, right? I deepened the kiss, coaxing his mouth open with my tongue. I allowed my tongue to taste all the depths of him, refreshing my memories of the happiness he filled me with before Edward arrived. I had missed him so much, I didn't even realize it. My hands played with the little hairs on the back of his neck. He tasted like he had taken in copious amounts of coffee at work. It gave the kiss a bittersweet taste which I greedily savored. The soft glide of our lips together created some kind of urge in me. I heard the sound of glass crashing onto the floor but it didn't distract me even for the slightest second. He moaned as I rolled back my tongue in his mouth, a technique I had picked up from Edward. I pushed all thoughts of Edward away from my mind as I continued to kiss him.

I was rolling and basking in sweet passion with my fiancé who had come back for me. Nothing was stopping this moment. Well, except for the fact that Jake broke off the kiss.

"Um, wow," was all he could mutter and I chuckled at the look of astonishment painted on his face.

After the kiss had been broken off, panic flooded my body and I became stiff as I realized that the two men I had been linked with in hopes of marriage were _both _in the _same _house. My eyes widened at that fact. Jacob had never met Edward, he had only heard about him and I had never shown him pictures. And Edward had never met Jacob officially. The thought of having them together in the same room only brought one word to my mind: _calamity_. Oil and water never mixed together and fire and ice never were in the same place at the same time. Jacob and Edward could never be in the same square _together. _I decided to be Jacob's shadow, never letting him out of my sight or anywhere close to Edward.

The night carried on, Alice seemed to be having fun on the supposed 'dance floor', getting wasted and bobbing her head in different directions with Jasper acting as her bodyguard, or guardian angel. She either was really enthusiastic about the party or drinking away her sorrows of becoming old, whichever one, she was good at it. Rosalie and Emmett had some time to themselves which I was happy for; that would help decrease the snarky Rose I would have to deal with next week.

After a while, the night grew its dark colour against the sky and people started leaving. Alice had passed out and Jasper carried her off to sleep in one of the guest rooms in the house. I tried to persuade Jacob for us to leave, but he was adamant, and not ready to go home yet.

"Hello Isabella," the voice I had been avoiding all night startled me and almost made me jump out of my skin. "I was wondering if your friend would like to join us for a little poker tournament," he said with a wry twist to his lips in Jacob's direction.

Jacob's hands instinctively wound themselves around my waist but the comforting gesture couldn't calm the raging heart beat. My body was being pulled in various directions. My mind was fidgeting and my brain was praying for a way to escape the hell that was about to break loose. I was so nervous; I was gripping his shirt as if we were standing in front of a serial killer waiting for a murder to happen. I wished I was a witch that could teleport people out of the room and that way, Jake and I would be gone from here. My stomach twisted as Edward's body tightened and his eyes sparkled with malicious vibes. He looked like he was trying his best not to pummel someone.

"Hi I'm Ed–" Edward brought out his hands for an introduction but my mouth stopped him before he could finish.

"His name is Eddie," the lie forced its way up my throat and through my teeth as guilt rode me. Edward's eyebrow rose up in question at the impetuous lie with a perfect smile still drawn on his face.

"And you can call me Jacob or Jake," Jacob shook his hands as he either pretended he didn't notice what had just happened or wanted to ignore it.

"Well Jacob, up for some poker?" Edward placed his hands around Jacob's shoulders as if they were long lost friends and walked into one of the empty rooms.

To my utmost disappointment, Jacob nodded and dragged me on as we all met the rest of the crew sitting around a table adorned with cards, chips and bottles of beer spread across the table. Everyone around the table, Rosalie, Jasper, Emmett and Seth became all frozen as they took in Jake and Edward walking into the room.

"What's up man?" Emmett gave Jake a friendly pat as he pushed out a chair for him to sit down while I sat at the back of Rose. "Ready to play?"

"Yeah," Jacob replied.

"Well, buckle up Jake 'cause I'm one hell of a player and I won't stop until I win," the corner of Edward's lips turned into a devilish smirk and then he turned to wink at me.

I was _dead._

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I apologize for the long chapter, Rose and Alice just wouldn't stop talking. The sonnet is a combination of some of Shakespeare's other sonnets. How did you think this went? What do you think should happen next? Edward and Jake in the same room, that can't be good…I wonder who will slip and call Edward's name. And also now you know who he punched but why?

Till next chap!


	9. Carte Blanche

**A/n: Dear readers, THANK YOU a million times for the amazing reviews/favorites/story alerts/pms/rec's. I don't know if two simple words can express how grateful I am and I truly mean it! I want to thank my fic boss, Kuntrygal, whom without (I mean this truly), this chapter would have never made it to the story. She said it has got to be in it when I was fidgeting. Thanks for her magic wand in whipping up the raw material and presenting it processed.**

**Thanks to Twifanfreak for joining me on the thread. Thanks also to Lambie for being such a sweetheart even though she's against me. By the way, if you really want to laugh check out what gifts she gave Jake on the thread, no jokes! Thanks to musicwhore for rec'ing me. **

**This is dedicated to every single one of you reading this.**

**Disclaimer: I own NOTHING! S Meyer owns all the sparkly vampires and fantastic shit. **

**WARNING: This chapter will contain scenes with coarse language and sexual themes, do not proceed if mommy's gonna be angry with you. 2****nd**** warning: I did say Edward was going to be an ass, well that still holds. This chapter may completely suck or rock, let me know which!**

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Carte Blanche

Carte Blanche – 'a white card' OR _Having free rein to choose whatever course of action you want_

I was dead, well metaphorically dead, and Edward was actually enjoying this. I could see him sending me smirks all the way across the table as the cards were shuffled and everyone talked about how they were going to play. I didn't know much about poker as I never involved myself whenever they played. My game was Jackpot, or Bullshit, and I found them to be quite more interesting than poker. I couldn't understand why a bunch of people came together to make bets and ended up losing their money to one player, that didn't sound flattering. However, my friends didn't share the same sentiment with me considering they did it every chance they got to.

On a normal occasion, I sat beside Edward. My legs placed on his laps and my body resting on his side as he concentrated on the cards like he was on a mission to save the world. I would always tell him that my presence was a distraction as I watched him stare at the cards as if it was the second coming of Christ. But then he would reply that he needed me for luck and, that I being by his side helped his game. My face would gain color at his words, and I'd hide it while everyone would roll their eyes and tell him to stop being so whipped and to get a room.

The difference now was that I was sitting on the other side of the table while holding my fiancé, and he was watching the both of us with the eyes of a hawk. The whole glaring situation was making me a tad bit uncomfortable and I was hoping and praying that Jacob hadn't figured out that Edward was actually _Eddie_. My fiancé wasn't dumb; he was sure going to find out sooner or later. It was inevitable especially with the awkward silence that fell on the room at different times. I had no clue what came over me that made me blurt it out. I didn't mean to lie, actually I hadn't thought of it until the words flew out of my mouth like I had tasted a bad salmon fish or some rotten food. And technically, it wasn't necessarily a lie, his name was just shortened. So I didn't do anything, _technically_. Yet I felt guilt shrivel my insides, and my hands quiver with nervousness that Jacob was definitely going to figure it out.

I couldn't handle Jacob knowing this piece of information; it was so trivial and yet so heavy. I had just gotten him back and I hadn't even spent up to twenty-four hours with him before screwing this whole thing up again for the second time. If Jacob hadn't bought the lie and could read in between the lines, he would have definitely thought I had slept with Edward and that was what caused my mouth to run out his name when we were together. I just couldn't give him the opportunity to wonder, he had gone through a lot already. I was sure if something else were to happen, he'd break and the whole proposal would be dissolved and I couldn't allow that to happen for the third time. It didn't mean that I wasn't going to tell him, I was, but I wasn't ready to tell him just…yet.

I shivered as I took in the expressions drawn out on Edward's face. The shift from the looks he was giving me; caring, to Jacob; frightening, was sending me over the edge. I needed to know what exactly was going through his head at that point but he was hard to read. I clutched my purse tighter and leaned into Jacob's side to whisper something in his ear.

"Hey baby, do you mind if I have a little talk with my friend over there before you guys start playing?" my eyes darted over to Edward's, whose deadly mask was suddenly replaced with a crooked grin which was very mischievous.

For a moment, I was sure I saw Jacob clench his jaw and then release it with a sigh but the change was so swift that I guessed I imagined it. Edward's weird mood swings were already affecting my brain and making me see things that weren't there.

"Alright," he replied, placing a soft kiss on my cheek which in turn elicited a blush.

"_Eddie,_ please could I talk to you for a minute?" I asked, rising up from my chair as everyone looked at me with something close to horror like I had just declared that a tornado was coming.

Rosalie sketched an eyebrow of disbelief in my direction but I shrugged it off, walking out of the room and out the back door of the kitchen.

I stepped outside and shuddered as the light cool breeze of the evening sparked goosebumps on my flesh. My palms rubbed my arms furiously to get some warmth as I crushed the gravel underneath my small heels.

Edward sat on the steps at the back of the kitchen door, watching me intently before removing a cigarette stick from behind his ear and a lighter from his pocket. I looked at him incredulously and his brow rose up in challenge. I couldn't believe I called him here to talk and he was acting like as if he came here on a smoke break.

"Want a cigarette?" he smiled.

I digested the urge to call him out on it and decided to get straight to the business of what exactly he was doing.

"_Eddie?_" he interrupted skeptically with a slight disgust. "You couldn't think of any other fucking name like Edmund or Edwin, its _Eddie_ you fucking came up with?" he spat the name repulsively with a frown.

"What's wrong with _Eddie? _People name their kids Eddie. I was going to name our first son, Eddie," I blurted out and then frowned at the thought of what I had just said.

"Um, well, I was thinking more along the lines of Jason but yeah what the fuck ever," he answered back with a chuckle.

"If I may ask, what the hell do you think you're doing?" I folded my arms on top of my chest as the wind flitted through my hair causing the strands to slap my face.

"I'm not doing anything," he replied innocently with his eyebrows knitting together after taking a long drag. "I'm simply making _friends,_" I huffed.

"I have a question, why would you lie to your fiancé about me? Am I _that _special?"

"No," I rolled my eyes at his arrogance.

"So why? I thought marriages were supposed to be based on truths. You haven't even sealed the deal yet and you're already telling your first lie, tsk tsk," he tapped the end of the cigarette and the ashes fell to the ground. "We aren't doing anything Isabella. I haven't even kissed you yet and believe me when I say, I've been holding back." His voice grew incredibly dark at the end.

"Do you know my fiancé is just within a few feet away from us?" I responded quickly before images of him arresting my lips in his mouth clogged my brain. "You're talking about another man's woman in the same house that he is in,"

"And he's kissing and touching what's fucking mine in front of me. There's really no difference; we're doing the same thing." His face became firm and straight. "You guys are making me fucking sick, playing the whole lovey-dovey shit when you know it's _me _you _want_," his lips curved into his sexy signature smirk. "I've been thinking about you all night since I arrived my Isabella; imagining my hands sketching out your curves and your moans filling my ears like a melody when I fill you all the way in."

I felt my knees grow weak as my body vibrated with a painful desire that settled in my stomach and caused a heat to burn in between my thighs. The words blanketed my mind like a tide, devouring any other thoughts and replacing them with flashes of him on top of me. I couldn't believe he was talking to me like this, like we were having any normal conversation. I was shocked because I hadn't expected that from him.

"Since you walked through the door, I've been thinking about ripping that fucking dress off and _taking_ you here, _claiming_ you and making you see that indeed _no one_ else can make you feel this way," He licked his lower lip and tapped the end of the cigarette again. His words created a deep hunger in my stomach that could only be fully satiated by him. He thrust his hands in to his hair to sweep it away from his eyes unconsciously. "Do you remember Isabella? Do you remember how your body encases me and fits like a lock and key? Like there's no other fucking key that could _enter _you and provide you this fucking electric feeling?" his green eyes bore into mine, making my skin prickle at the memory. "Does _he _make you feel that way?" his eyes dropped to the ground. "Does he make you feel like the way _I _do?" his eyes flashed back to mine with intensity.

I tried to clamp down the delicious ache that slapped me and prayed my voice was confident enough.

"What's it to you?"

He grew silent and watched me with something in his eyes I couldn't quite catch. "I'm fucking curious that's all," he shrugged and flicked the cigarette from his fingers, watching it fall to the ground.

His hair was ruffled by the breeze and it fell back into his eyes; he really needed to get it cut. He stood up and stepped on the burnt end of the cigarette before walking to me.

"You seem to be forgetting the connection we have, and I don't blame you. Six years of my fuck-up could make you forget." He took a step with determination and I moved back involuntarily. "I need to make you remember Isabella, you _need_ to remember me," he shoved his left hand into the side of my hair, fisting his hands into my hair and holding me in place. "You need to remember what I do to you. So that every fucking time you see him, you'll realize that he can _never _be compared to me. No one can ever be compared to me!"

I suddenly felt very cold. I couldn't tell whether the cold tingling feeling that made me shiver was from the light breeze or from his words, or from his smell, or just from him. I stood there fixed, my heart pounding, my body moving closer and my mind screaming Jacob's name. I didn't know what to do. I felt trapped, when in the literal sense we weren't even on any walls or doors. We were in an open surrounding with a lot of air and yet I felt like there was not enough air.

The cigarette smell hit my nose and I suddenly became hyper aware of everything. It was like all my senses kicked up a notch and they became sharper, anticipating his next move. His tongue darted out of his mouth and ran slowly across my bottom lip, giving it two clean sweeps before licking his lips as if to savor the taste. He pressed his lips to mine, giving it soft pecks a few times before thrusting his tongue in between my lips. I stood there but didn't open my mouth and to be quite honest, I wasn't sure why.

He brushed his lips against mine again, searching for a response. My resolve cracked when the tips of his right fingers brushed against the hairs standing at the back of my neck and all thoughts of Jacob crumbled down. I opened my mouth the second time he pushed his tongue and they both crashed into each other. The feel of it sent a wave of emotion through me and I opened it wider as his mouth took and claimed mine.

He tugged on my hair and pulled me in deeper as if we weren't that close enough. His other hand ran down my back and he pushed me into him. My hands moved on their own accord and wrapped themselves around his neck. My nipples hissed through my chest and hardened in reaction to his chest pressed into me. A maddening pleasure raked my nerves and not even the wind could make me feel cold. A tingling sensation shot down my spine like a bullet and settled in my toes.

His tongue did his signature roll and swept against the walls of my mouth causing a moan to ripple through my throat. My hands moved to his shoulder blades and moved along the definition of his back, feeling the constriction of his muscles as his hands raked over my back.

He pulled away after a second and tried to steady his breathing. The kiss was similar to being in a roller coaster, fantastic but too short. Appearing to be slightly disoriented, reality came crashing down on me and I suddenly remembered Jacob. Before I knew what happened, my hand flew and slapped him hard across his face. He stared at me with shock before his face brightened with a smile.

"I loved it too my Isabella, it's much better than the ones I cooked up in my fantasies although they are mostly erotic," he whispered darkly. "You won't be able to resist me for long my Isabella, you wanna bet? This is a night of betting after all…" he took my hand and kissed it. "You have me in the palms of your hand. _Carte blanche_, the choice is yours," He said more firmly and then retreated back into the house.

I stood there for a minute wondering what the hell I had just done. How could it be that every time I wanted to have a decent conversation and put him in his place, he always seemed to sidetrack me and put me off balance? The delicious desire that swirled in my stomach twisted to that of anger and horror. I had just kissed Edward Cullen while Jake was in the same place with me. I had practically just cheated on him under his nose. I covered my mouth at this bitter realization, hoping that I could rewind time and take it back.

How could this have happened? How could I have been so weak and vulnerable? How could I have let him come close to me? I shook my head and tried to place a reasonable expression on my face; one that didn't reveal my naked eyes. One that couldn't make Jake walk through me like an open door and find out the offense I had committed.

I ran my hands through my hair and went back into the house with my hands shaking. The game had almost begun. Jake saw me and pulled me closer to him. I prayed that he could not smell Edward on me and chewed my lower lip to hide the evidence of my betrayal.

"Are you okay? You seem…" Jake's eyes asked with curiosity and I looked away from him. They said eyes were the window to the soul; I couldn't let him see my soul.

I cleared my throat, "I'm fine; I just have a slight burn in my throat." I said, rubbing my throat gently and coughing a little.

_Actually, it's an ache in between my thighs but I feel you would not appreciate this since you weren't the one who caused it._

"Maybe we should go if you're not feeling well," his face contorted to that of worry in a flash and it almost made me want to puke.

"Leaving so soon?" Edward cut into the conversation and I wondered if we were talking out loud instead of whispering. "You haven't started playing yet, are you afraid you'll lose?"

I shot him an angry glare and caught Rose narrowing her eyes at me, that almost sent me to an edge.

_Oh no! Please, lord, tell me she doesn't know. How could she? Am I that transparent? Did she see?_

My eyes widened at the thought and Jacob turned his whole body to face me, asking if I was okay.

_Or maybe you're just paranoid because you know you did something bad._

"I'm sure she's fine _Jake_. She must have caught a flu when she when she went _outside, _I'm sure it's _nothing_." Rose complimented with a snide remark and that confirmed all my suspicions.

"Yes, I'm fine. Just play and then we'll go home," I replied with a weak smile to reassure him to stop worrying and take the spotlight off me.

A sudden determination for Jake to play came over me. I wanted to prove to Edward that he wasn't the only one who could taunt people. I had faith in my fiancé that he would make me proud and kick Edward's ass in the game and I wasn't allowing the guilt take Jake's opportunity.

They had all agreed that Emmett would be the dealer, and he had argued but finally decided that he would take the role. Sitting next to Emmett was Edward (devil's incarnate) followed by Jasper and then Seth. Jacob (my angel) sat at the left side of Seth and Rosalie sat next to him, with Emmett on her right.

Almost everyone had a bunch of fifty and hundred dollar chips in front of them, green represented fifty while red represented hundred. Edward started by placing a green chip in front of him and Jasper followed with a red chip. Edward picked up a bottle of beer next to him, opened it and watched me with a crooked smile before placing it on his lips. I watched his throat bob up and down as the liquid descended down his throat. He removed the bottle from his lips and stuck out his tongue to sweep against his lower lip, removing any lingering liquid on it. He game a smirk with a raised brow and I turned my attention to Jake, hoping he hadn't caught me staring.

Emmett spread two cards in front of all them, starting with Edward and spreading it all the way in a clockwise direction to stop at Rosalie. "Good luck fuckers. One more thing before we start; I'm taking fifty percent of the winner's money. I can't be doing this shit for you guys and not gain a dime, that would be absolute pure fuckery,"

"Em! You're only doing the first round so sit your ass and shut the fuck up!" Jasper laughed, taking a swig from his beer.

"Twenty-five-percent only! That way, we all win if we go in turns," Edward said, drumming his left fingers on the table and running his other hand through his hair.

"Well, fuck me. Look who wants to share their profit tonight. I always thought you were a stingy dude, man. I appreciate," Emmett bumped fists with Edward. "Seth you may start,"

Seth placed a green chip forward and Jacob and Rosalie followed with the same colour of chip.

"Aw, y'all are cowards. No one wants to raise yet? Fucking pussies!" Emmett dropped his fist on the table.

"Uh, Emmett, are you calling me a _pussy?_" Rosalie tapped him, squinting her eyes at his reaction as Edward placed another chip close to the center.

"Baby, you know…it's like I mostly call…" Emmett stammered, struggling for words. "It's just that that's our talk you know. Like man to man talk. They are all pussies. Man! This is why this is a man's fucking game. Why the fuck would you guys let her play? She's like so rigid and bossy," he groaned in frustration.

"I'm still in the room you dumb ass!" Rosalie hissed.

"Dumb ass with an electrical engineering degree," Emmett retorted.

"Check guys," Jasper said, interrupting the couple from fighting on the table. "Please leave your fucking marital issues in your house,"

"What check?" Emmett turned to him and Jasper rolled his eyes. "And this is my house, you douche!"

Emmett finally figured out what Jasper was trying to say and gathered all the chips to the center of the table. He placed a card lying face down and opened three cards at the center of the table.

"Hmm…I could make this so much _more _interesting for me," Edward smiled devilishly, rubbing his chin at the thought. He placed three red chips to the circle.

"That's it right there," Emmett clapped. "And this is why he always wins. You've got to bet big to win big you know?"

"Yeah, like that time in Vegas when you went with three thousand dollars and came back with only five hundred? Sure dear husband, you're a fucking pro!" Rose swung her fist in the air in mock jubilation.

"It was only once Salie and it's good I failed. Sometimes you have to go lower to achieve higher limits," Emmett countered.

"Don't fucking call me _Salie_. You make me sound like one of those traditional housewives,"

"But you are a tr–"

"_Edward_, who the fuck is talking to you? Shut your god damned mouth and play," Rosalie barked back while Edward laughed at her which only seemed to rile her more.

Panic kicked me in the stomach as I heard Edward's name roll out of Rosalie's lips. I wasn't sure if she did it on purpose or if it slipped and at the moment I couldn't care for the reason because I was trying to gauge Jacob's reaction to the name. That was the second time Edward's name had provoked him and he had yet to deal with it. I shivered involuntarily as I looked up to see his face appear calm and unfazed by the name. He didn't show any reaction to it whatsoever and I began to think whether he had even heard it.

"Can't you two act like fucking adults? Cursing like god damned sailors when Brady is some steps away. Do you really want your child to say _fuck _at an early age?" Jasper said with a straight and a serious tone but it crumbled when everyone erupted in laughter. "What's funny you fucking idiots? All y'all are high that's all I'm saying,"

Emmett gathered the chips again and placed another card faced down close to the previous one, opening another card to join the other three. Edward placed five red chips in front of him and Jasper did the same. The table became quiet again and I wondered if the mood swings that had been occurring with Edward had somehow diluted the atmosphere.

"Seth, why are you so darn quiet? You're never this quiet. Is something wrong?" Rosalie asked, stealing Emmett's beer from his mouth and chugging it down. She released a loud belch and Edward grimaced in response.

I linked my arm with Jake's own as he played his turn.

"I'm good Rose; just tired that's all." He replied, tugging on the front buttons of his shirt and looking like he needed air.

I quirked a brow curiously, wondering what came over him.

"Dude it's your turn," Emmett nudged Edward who was so lost because he was staring in my direction and appearing to be in a daze.

"Jacob, what do you do?" he asked, biting his lip and looking at the chips in front of him, thinking of how much he wanted to bet.

I almost thought I felt a vein jerk in my body at his question and I suddenly became uncomfortable that he was trying to make a conversation with my fiancé who was technically his rival.

"I'm a computer engineer," Jacob said nonchalantly, opening his beer and taking a long gulp.

"Hmm…" Edward bounced some of the chips in his hands. "So you make a lot of money…what would you say if I told you that I'd raise you for the beautiful woman hanging on your arm? Would you make the bet?" he asked, pulling a lighter from his pocket and sticking a cigarette between his lips before lighting it.

The whole table fell deadly silent and watched the interaction between the two men. Tension sizzled in the air and made everyone put the game on pause to see Jake's reaction. I suddenly felt nauseated and the need to throw up hit my body like a blow to a punching bag. I couldn't understand why Edward was tormenting me like this. I felt like he was pulling my mind in different directions with strings that only he knew how to use best. It was only him who could actually get under my skin in both a good and a bad way. The whole situation was weighing me down. However, Jake still appeared calm as he watched Edward smoking his cigarette.

He leaned back into the chair and wrapped an arm around my waist before leaning down to place a soft kiss on my lips. "Well, I would have to say that I won't be able to take you up on your challenge,"

Edward's lips curved into a half smile as he released a spew of smoke from the corner of his mouth.

"The reason is because I simply don't have enough money to fight for her," He continued; looking into my eyes lovingly and the depth of emotion there almost made me forget the presence of Edward…almost. "There's no amount of money that could buy this precious gem here," his face colored with a smile before kissing my temple.

Edward's smile faded as he watched the kiss, staring straight into my eyes. The intensity of the gaze made goosebumps ripple through my flesh and I saw his fists clench. He placed ten chips in front of him. Jasper was right on his tail, doing the same thing while Seth decided to fold this time. Jacob placed the same number of chips and Rosalie did the same too.

"You know Edward; I've always wondered…what happened to that your friend?" Rosalie snapped her fingers, trying to remember. "Was it Jessica? The one with the baby that everyone thought was _yours_," Rosalie asked with a malevolent glint in her eyes as Emmett picked up all the chips and arranged them in the middle of the table. "It's a pity you didn't bring her along with you or have you also discarded her too? Since that's what you have a talent for,"

Rosalie's words were burned with a fire of rage that was supposed to catch Edward in flames, but it burnt me too. Everything came flooding back like an angry sea ready to drown me. It made my stomach turn and a sharp pain sting inside my chest as Edward's face morphed into a livid expression.

"Don't. Fucking. Bring. Her. Up. Don't you dare talk about her or her child," he said through clenched teeth and I could feel the waves of his aggression from across the table.

I felt like I had been slapped when he defended her. I felt like he had used me once again. He had kissed me today and still, he defended another woman. The way his eyes shot knives in Rosalie's direction told me all I needed to know. He had only ever gotten aggressive and protective with cases that dealt with me and my safety. Now, he was sharing that same protection and using it on another woman. The woman that he told me he had nothing to do with but spent time with her and her child. It confirmed everything. He was the father of the child and even if he wasn't, something must have surely happened between them for him to have such a reaction at her name.

All the revelations slammed me in full force and my eyes watered at the sting, the pain, the lies and the betrayal. He used me. He had kissed me today and was now taking the side of another woman. Once again, I had been a fool. I had been blind, shortsighted to see what he really and truly was. He was playing me like a game. None of this was serious to him, how could it be? He hadn't even told me why he left.

It all started to add up now. He had left because he couldn't marry me when he was the father of someone else's child. He couldn't handle two families. Perhaps, Jessica had given him this insight and he had realized. That was probably why he left.

The information hit me like a ton of bricks. Everywhere in my body started aching and probing with pain. I picked up my purse and immediately stood up, leaving them to continue playing their poker game.

I couldn't believe how stupid I was. Having some hope that maybe he had realized that he had made a mistake and was ready to accept his faults. That maybe he might have had an inch or an ounce of love for me. The deceit all twisted up as he constructed his web, sewing all my emotions, sealing it like wool. I had been such an idiot to think that maybe he loved me.

"Isabella, please wait!" I heard his voice call me from behind as I picked up on my walking pace.

"Isabella, it's not entirely what you think," he shouted and I laughed at the last part.

How typical of him to know what I thought. That's what men always said when they knew they had done something wrong; it was like the confirmation statement. I wanted to run but my legs were too weak to cooperate with me.

"My Isabella, please let's talk about this," he called out again.

"Talk?" I turned around to face him with an incredulous mask on my face. "Talk?" My face scrunched up in confusion. "You have been talking since you came back. All you do is _talk_. You say these things, these words that don't make any sense. It's like you're talking but I can't hear a single thing you're saying because none of what you've said matters. I've given you enough time to talk and explain yourself, and you've come up with nothing. And you still want to talk? Talk time is over Edward, I'm done!" I turned back and started walking.

"Isabella, I know I haven't been–" he started but I cut him off.

"Damn it Edward! SAVE IT!!!" I screamed in frustration as the tears fell from eyes.

The pretense, the failed promises, the lies, everything he had used.

I drew in a deep breath and waited to catch my breath before turning to him. I found Jacob standing behind him, probably wondering what was going on if he hadn't already figured it out.

"You know what Edward. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you trying to ruin my life. I'm sick of your selfish desires just to have me to yourself without any explanation. The truth is I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle you anymore. You're too _complicated_ for me. With you, I feel like I'm going nowhere. I feel like I'm turning around in a _circle_ that just swallows me up, there's no end. Now with Jake, it's different. I feel like I'm in a _straight_ _line _with a destination. I can see what's ahead. It's _simple_ and effortless."

"You told me today it was my choice. _Carte blanche_; remember? Well, I've chosen. I choose Jake. Edward, I'm _marrying _Jacob Black. I'm going to be his wife and I'm going to bear his children because I love him and he loves me and it's just that simple."

"Isabella, I–" his voice broke as he stepped forward but was stopped and pushed back by Jake's hand resting on his chest.

"With all due respect Edward, I think she's made her decision." Jake said firmly before running up to meet me. His arms circled around my waist and he kissed my forehead before we went to the car.

He got into the driver's seat while I sat in the front passenger seat. He reversed the car and then turned in the direction to the main road and out of Rose's compound. I knew Edward was still standing there, looking at us leaving but I didn't look back. I was turning away from my past and I felt if I looked back, I would probably turn into a pillar of salt or crumble to pieces in front of him. I couldn't allow him see that. So I looked ahead, towards my future.

* * *

**So now **_**Isabella **_**has made her decision. Let's see if Jake also agrees with her. I wanted to give you guys a treat, so I'm asking. If I were to give you a short POV of either Jacob or Edward in the next chapter, whose mind would you want to read? Let me know! Note however that if I give you an EPOV, it won't still disclose why he left. **

**I wrote a one shot for two contests titled **_**Devange**_**, it's on my profile you can check it out to see evil Bella.**


	10. The Good, the Bad & the Confused

**A/N: Um…WOW? Lol. I was speechless by the response of the last chapter. THANK YOU SO MUCH for the reviews/favorites/story alerts/. Your thoughts really made my week. Thanks a lot! New readers, thanks a bunch for giving it a try, hope you like the ride.**

**Thanks to the ladies who joined me on the thread, Lambie, Beautiful disaster, Rose and Squarepancake. Thanks to Halli Black for being an awesome friend and to Hariet09 for answering all my silly questions and pre-reading this chapter (I miss you). **

**Major thanks to my boss lady, Kuntrygal; whom without, this entire thing wouldn't exist. You're an amazing sweetheart. **

**So I'm back with this. You all shared your thoughts on whose POV you wanted, Edward won. However I couldn't leave those who asked for Jake's pov, hanging, and I couldn't kick Bella off the chapter (I mean she's already been dumped on her wedding day, cut her some slack) so I decided to give you a triple treat. Believe me when I say this was hard to write because of the switch in povs and ensuring I didn't spill the secret (E's not ready yet).**

**Disclaimer: I do not look like S Meyer and I'm in no way related to her so yeah, I cannot pretend I own Twilight. I don't. I just make Edward smoke a lot.**

**WARNING: This chapter is long and may contain a lot of swearing. Viewer discretion is advised. **

* * *

**The Good, the Bad & the Confused**

**~The Engineer of Patience~ **

I sat there feeling slightly uncomfortable that my fiancée was somewhere in this house with her ex-fiancé. I knew it was Edward from the moment she quickly cut him off, and _lied _that his name was _Eddie._ She really didn't know how to lie. I didn't want her to go alone with him without someone else being present because for all I knew, they could have been making up for lost times. However, I had established a relationship with Bella in which I couldn't control the things she did. I had to let her _be_ and _trust_ that she'll be faithful to me. If I had forced her not to go or voiced out my opinion that she shouldn't have a _talk _with him, she would have thought I was her father censuring her and telling her what to do. No offense to Charlie, but there was no way I was ever going to be compared to him. I wanted to be her partner and her husband, not a controlling husband or a second father. If I caged her, then she'd never really love me. With love came trust and I loved her so it was only fair that I trusted that she would make the right decision. I was giving her the benefit of the doubt. It didn't mean I was completely comfortable with it, I was just tolerating it.

I tugged the front buttons of my shirt a few times as I waited impatiently for them to come back.

"Jake I'm sorry, I know this is none of my fucking business but I was wondering why you would allow Bella to go and talk with _him_. You do know who _he_ is right?" Rosalie asked, looking at her beer before taking a long swig.

Emmett tapped her as a warning to probably keep quiet and not pry but she looked straight at me waiting for my answer.

"Because I _trust_ her," I answered simply, and then sighed.

Trust was a very hard thing to do especially when it almost felt like you had no chance. Of course _I_ was the one she was engaged to and the one she was hopefully going to _marry _in the end but really, I had no guarantee that I had her. I noticed the way he looked at her – like she was some sort of treasured item, and the way he looked at me – like I was trespassing on some kind of territory. It made an eerie feeling, a kind of uncertainty pass through me. After all, she had called his name when we were trying to share an intimate moment together. Did she still love him? She had told me a countless number of times that the answer was _no_ but I hadn't truly believed it. They had both separated on the worst possible terms, and I really didn't know if she had moved on from all that.

"You're a very good man Jake; I respect you so fucking much!" Rosalie lifted her bottle of beer in the air as some sort of salutation before tipping it back and downing the whole liquid in one fluid moment like a man. She whispered something else but it was too low for my ears to catch.

I decided to find a soothing comfort in the alcohol in front of me and chugged half of it down before resting on the chair. It didn't help that silence had sliced the room and everyone looked at each other with entirely nothing to say. It was like they were all very nervous about something or maybe that was just me. The only sound that cut through the room was the ticking of the clock and I never knew how irritating that could be. I looked at my watch, wondering when I would get home. I was so exhausted from work but I really wanted to surprise Bella and give Alice her birthday gift. I felt so bad at the fact that when Bella came to my apartment the other day to possibly apologize in almost nothing but skimpy lingerie, my co-workers had been there to enjoy the view. The way she cried in my arms made me feel infinitely worse than before for breaking up with her. I felt like I was causing her anguish and reminding her of Edward when I told her I wasn't sure about us. That's why I had to give her some reassurance that I would be back and I just needed to take some time to straighten some things out. I knew she would have been lonely showing up at Alice's party when all her friends were with their spouses – hence my surprise arrival.

I just couldn't figure out why she lied to me about his name.

I didn't want to think about it anymore so I stood up and said, "Maybe I should go look for her."

"No!" Rosalie said quickly and it almost sounded like she snapped at me. "I'll go, you don't know how big this house is and you've only been here a few times, you could get lost. I'll go and call them." She stood up hastily, dropping her bottle on the table and leaving the room.

"So Jake, when are we getting the invitation to your wedding?" Emmett tried to make small talk as he shuffled the cards in his hands.

"Um, I'm not sure." I rubbed my forefinger on my forehead. "I guess whenever Bella is ready to walk down the aisle or rather to make it to the aisle." I smiled.

"Yeah, she's had a really bad experience. You should be patient with her so we actually have a wedding this time." He winked, and I tried not to take too much gravity in his words.

Rosalie came back some minutes later, propping into her chair and reaching out for Emmett's drink. Jasper quickly went upstairs to check on Alice and make sure she was alright while Seth and I talked.

A few minutes later, everyone was back at the table and ready to play. Bella looked a little sick and I suggested we go home but she shrugged it off. I tried not to think about what kind of talk they possibly had outside and also tried not to ask about it even though I was _very_ curious. A misunderstanding happened on the table that I didn't know much information about and Bella sprinted from the room upset.

Before I could even stand up, Edward took off after her, and I decided not to interfere yet. Rosalie was curious about my silent decision but didn't voice it out instead Jasper did.

"Aren't you going to go after her?" Jasper's eyebrows rose up questioningly as he exhaled smoke from his nose.

"Not yet," I said calmly.

"You're too fucking calm, you know that right?" Rosalie hissed, clearly disappointed by my actions.

I wasn't that calm, something was wrong with Bella that I didn't know much about. I was just waiting for the right moment to proceed. I had a clue that what upset her was related to why Edward left or something related to their past. A part of me wanted to run but the other part wanted to give her space to come to me, give her space to make her decision. If I was there then I'd truly never know if she meant it when she said she loved me. It would have made her biased in her decision. It was sort of a test, a test to see if it was just a decent conversation that passed between them when I wasn't there, a test to see if she loved me and was willing to take this step and be with me. I was basically giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I stood up after a while and walked slowly to the foyer. I didn't know where they were but I hoped they were outside because I really didn't have energy to check the rooms of this mansion. I opened the curtains and watched from the window as she screamed at him, even though I couldn't actually hear. She looked so passionate even when she was angry, you could see so much emotion and hurt in her eyes. I had never seen her have such a strong passion for me and I didn't know if this should have bothered me as much as it did.

I opened the door slowly, not wanting to interrupt and let them know of my presence as I stood by the door. Her voice screeched with her back facing both of us. I couldn't see Edward's face but from his slouching stature I knew this was affecting him. The weight of the conversation was definitely having the same effect on both of them.

But then she chose me. She chose me while we were both standing there, him – in front, and me – at the back. At that point in time, I truly couldn't care if she had only said it because I was there. The fact that she said it to his face meant something and I was going to believe it. The uncertainty was washed with relief, although, I didn't understand her theory about _simplicity_. I didn't want to think she was doing this because she felt it was easier. I wanted her to do it because she wanted to.

I shook the thoughts from my head and chastise myself for not even enjoying this happiness. We humans were always quick to believe the negatives instead of relishing in the positives. I wasn't going to spoil this by thinking about it too much. So when Edward stepped forward, I held him back because he had had his chance. Now it was my moment and I wasn't letting slip.

_Good things always came to those who waited_.

**~The Architect of Destruction~**

_Holy fuuuuuck. _

I was an architect with a mind of a fucking idiot that should have obtained a degree in being a complete fucking asshole. It was ironic that as an architect what was required of me was to construct, build and make things. However, since I was Edward Cullen and I literally just liked to fuck things up, the opposite usually happened. It broke, shattered or basically just settled for destruction. Pretty fucking great, I felt like my life was just going round in cycles of different fuck ups. First, it happened with Jessica and now it happened with Isabella. It was natural, I had inherited it from someone whom I didn't know and the trait had grown into this enormous twenty-fucking-eight year old screw up. It was like I built something with my hands, suffered and toiled and then it crashed down like I hadn't laid a fucking foundation for it. That was my life, breaking and shattering all to dust right before my fucking eyes.

I didn't know what happened, actually no, screw that, I knew what fucking happened. I had kissed Isabella. Oh fuck, I was definitely going to remember that kiss and hope it sustained me for a while, before I went mentally insane because I didn't think my therapist could handle anymore fucking outbursts. More importantly, I couldn't pay her more money for shit I already knew, plus therapy sessions were really fucking expensive for just talking.

I kissed her. Her sweet luscious lips crushing beneath mine, turning my dick to steel and making my balls quiver. It really felt good to awaken all those dead hollow parts in my body. Next minute, she was kissing that motherfucker in front of me which took an unreasonable amount of control not to lunge at him and shove my foot up his ass. He was touching my Isabella and wiping away what I had struggled hard to build. He had no idea how long I had planned to have that kiss, how fucking long I waited for it. The anger that shook the walls of my body was becoming harder and harder to suppress and I had to because the last thing I wanted Isabella to be, was upset.

Then the stupid bitch, Rosalie decided that today of all fucking days, this was the best one to test my anger thread that was already threatening to snap because of so much pressure. She just had to mention Jessica and all hell let loose. I tried, I really fucking tried to swallow it and shove it back down to where it came from but it was just so much. It was like she was reminding me of my fuck ups and I really didn't need that shit this evening when one was already staring at me in my fucking face. The remembrance of why the fuck I wasn't supposed to be in Forks in the first place or even be anywhere near Isabella electrocuted my brain and shocked me back to reality that there was indeed no way this was ever going to work. I had demons to deal with, and I left her because of those demons. Being reminded that they were still lurking around somewhere was really not helping my situation.

So I lost it.

I fucking lost it.

The dread that clouded Isabella's face like a storm over a sky pulled me out of my lake of misery and dumped me in hell to burn as her face changed to a depressed state. My heart tightened as she held her purse and ran out of the door like a frightened rat that had seen a fucking cobra or something.

I had done it again, fucking screwed everything up.

_Congrats Cullen, you're like the king of all assholes. Here's your fucking crown of thorns, wear it and make sure it presses into your fucking head so it leaves scars – reminders that you can't do anything right._

I tried to talk to her, I tried to explain. Actually no, I didn't. I didn't want to explain, I just wanted to talk. I could never tell her what had transpired for me to leave her that day. There was no way I was ever going to tell her that in my right fucking mind.

"_You know Edward, for you to move on; you have to deal with the past,"_ Miss Charlotte had said, looking at me seriously and studying my reactions as I sat on her red leather couch in her office.

What Miss Charlotte, aka my fucking shrink, aka thoughts dissector, didn't know was that the past always came to destroy the future and no matter what anyone said, it was my entire fault. And I was saving the future by not letting Isabella know of the past. It was better that way; people usually thought it was the opposite but no, not really. I knew there was nothing I could say to erase all the pieces of shit that I had created and all I could really say was that I was fucking sorry.

And I was really tired of those two words _'I'm sorry'_. I felt like a fucking retard who didn't know how to speak, repeating that same fucking phrase over and over again. It wasn't like the words even did anything magical to wipe away the damage; I just said it because I basically didn't have any other thing to say.

I ran agitated fingers through my hair as I watched my Isabella – my fucking supposed to be wife someday – drive away with another man and not once did she look back. She told me that I was too complicated for her and I was selfish for wanting to keep her without any explanation. She was right, I was every thing she called me. My life was literally a circle with no ends, just involved me running away from shit. I wanted to keep her to myself in every possible way because she was _mine_. And I didn't want to offer her any explanation because that would give her a choice to run away from me and I wasn't having any of that. So yeah, I was a very selfish prick.

I walked back to the house with my rage increasing notch by notch to the highest fucking level. All the anger from seeing my Isabella kissing and rubbing her body on another man, all the anger from knowing what was mine_;_ I didn't have in my possession and I couldn't keep, the built up frustration that I was in and out of my head for doing this shit and coming back to beg her when I had no right was ready to burst in flames.

And it was aiming for one person – Rosalie.

I opened the door with a loud bang as the bodies in the room jerked in surprise by my entrance.

"You fucking bitch!" I growled, my fists clenching into balls of fury at my side as she stood up and balanced her hands on her hips.

"Someone needs to talk to you Edward. You come here and act like you fucking own everything like you own her. We're all supposed to fucking bow down to you because you came back. Well fuck you," she spat in my direction only making my knuckles tighten more. "I will never act like you're a god, Edward, and if Bella can't stand up for herself then I will. You cannot just come here after six years and act like as if shit never happened. Like as if you didn't leave her on her god damned wedding day. You know why? You weren't here to clean up after yourself. I was - we all were. I watched her breakdown in embarrassment and hurt because of all you put her through and there is no way in hell she's ever returning back to you. Over my fucking dead body!" her voice echoed angrily against the walls.

"Rosalie you don't know anything so fucking shut your damn mouth before you start talking," I exhaled sharply, the room suddenly becoming very small to accommodate the both of us.

"Oh don't I?" she looked at me cynically. "Well, let's see what I don't know. You possibly impregnated a girl, ran away from your fiancé and now you want to break her marriage apart so you can do it all over again. Hah! Tell me what I missed you stupid asshole."

I pushed the poker table out of the way and sent all the bottles, cards, chips and any other fucking thing that was on it flying to various directions of the room and crashing onto the floor.

"Rosalie I swear to God, if one more word utters from your filthy fucking mouth I'll–"

Jasper pulled my body backward and Emmett jumped in front of Rosalie, providing a shield of protection for her.

"You'll what Edward? You'll hit me? Hit me like you hit Seth? Oh look, what you newly added to your résumé, you now hit women. That shouldn't be surprising, I mean that is the only fucking thing you haven't done yet," she shouted from the back of Emmett. "Em, move out of here and let him hit me," she slapped his back.

"Edward, dude, you're my friend and all and I would really hate to pummel your pretty ass, but if you take one more step toward my wife, I'll have to beat the living shit out of you," Emmett warned calmly.

It took almost a minute to register everything that had just happened. I didn't want to hit Rosalie; I would never in my existence hit a woman. I just wanted her to shut up and now it struck me with disappointment that my best friend would even think that. I was so fucking sad and stunned that they had even jumped on such a train of thought. I unclenched my fists feeling really frustrated at how everything was going from bad to worse. I needed to get out of here, I needed to fucking breathe.

"Why the fuck won't you tell anyone why you left, huh? You haven't even told your friends."

"Because it's none of your damned business," I said through gritted teeth, trying my best to contain the anger and sorrow before they exploded.

"It's because you have no fucking reason you whorebag, you were chickenshit and you ran!"

_It's because if she knows, she'll leave me and I cannot handle that._

"It's because it's not anybody's business why I left, I don't owe you anything. I left for my own god damned reasons. Now even if _I were to tell anyone_, it would be _Isabella_ because she's the only one who needs a fucking explanation. And since I'm not going to tell her, none of you will ever know so fuck off! Alright?"

_I cannot give her a choice to leave me._

I left the house without another word or even an apology and I really couldn't fucking care about it. I entered my car and drove to Isabella's apartment building. I parked at the side of the street across the building and took out a pack of cigarettes. I lighted a stick before inhaling the beautiful smoke and letting it out.

My mind kept on wondering if Isabella was alright, and how badly I wanted to fix this. How badly I wanted to fix everything and how unsure I was. I took another long drag, staring at the building like I could see her fucking apartment from where I was.

I had been coming here after work almost every day just to stare at the building. I knew the condo had exactly forty-two floors. I'm probably sure I could identify the neighbors too. Sometimes, I would see her dodging the rain and I would almost be tempted to walk over to hand her an umbrella. Sometimes, she'd come in with a stack of books (she really read a fucking lot) as she tried her best to make it into the building without falling on her face.

Whenever I had the courage, I'd walk inside and take the elevator to her floor, waiting to hear sounds that would permit me to knock. The day had only been merciful twice when she had allowed me to enter. The first time was when I followed her from the library to another condo and picked her up when she was walking on the road in the rain. The second time had been when she greeted me with a loud scream, it wasn't exactly the kind of welcoming I pictured, but it worked.

The truth was that I had stalked her during my free time. I had stalked her to get every little moment that she wouldn't have with me which was so fucked up because I really didn't even spend time with her. The other remaining time was spent on thinking of ways of how to get her back. When I came to Forks, I had come for two reasons. The first was to get Isabella back into my life and the second was work, but work had just been a side dish to the main goal. It was something I had to do to make sure I was stable, and it prevented me from losing my shit.

So yeah, I also had a talent for being a fucking freak and stalking the one woman who had my heart almost every chance I got.

_Add that to your accomplishments, dickhead._

I flicked the lighter as I exhaled another cloud of smoke, feeling a bit relaxed. I knew she would have moved on without me. I knew I was going to lose her and possibly never get her once I left the first time. It just really fucking hurt to see her with another man. Another man who was probably better than me, another man who could take better care of her and never hurt her like I constantly did. Another man who seemed more accomplished and more put together than me and it just really fucking made me _jealous_ because she wasn't with _me_. I had left to see if I could be more for her and if I couldn't, allow someone else to be that person.

Well, he was probably better than me but he didn't love her as much as I did.

_Maybe I should just tell her why I left; maybe it won't be as hard as I think it would…or maybe not. _

Some things were better left unsaid.

She was going to leave me either way though, so if I didn't win, this was probably better. At least she didn't know the reason. It was better to let her think she knew why_,_ than to tell her the actual truth because in every fucking sense, the truth fucking hurt. The only people who knew were my therapist, my mom and my fucking journal that I should have probably burnt by now.

I ran a relaxed hand through my hair and reached to the top of my polished black dashboard to pick up the purple hyacinth. I had planned to give to her soon, so I figured I could give her this night. I got down from the car and stepped on my cigarette. I didn't even know what I was doing as I greeted the receptionist with a seducing crooked smile so she'd let me pass through the doors. I pressed the numbers to Isabella's floor and my heart bobbed at every count.

I hated that she could still make me shit my pants when she was nowhere in sight, the stupid fucking emotions.

The elevator rang to alert me that I had arrived and I got out, walking down the hallway and down to her door. I wanted to knock but wasn't sure how I was going to be welcomed. Plus I didn't know if her perfect fucking fiancé was in there with her. I leaned against the door and placed my ear to hear what was going on behind the door.

"_Oh lord, Jake that feels so good…oh oh…oh my god. Could you hit that spot there…ouh…ow...I've never had it like this before, so good…" _I heard her voice moan out and my eyes grew wide at the possibilities of what they could be doing.

_Was he fucking her? Holy shit, he was fucking her, the bastard was fucking my Isabella._

"_Really? No one has ever given this to you before?"_

My whole body went rigid and the walls of my chest seemed to be closing in on my heart. I shifted away from the door, afraid that my hands would break it in an instant and pounded my head on the wall beside it.

_Bloody hell! He was fucking my property._

"_Now Edward relax; take deep breaths. You have to control yourself and not be an asshole by breaking the door and flinging the fucker's body through the window."_ I thought I heard Charlotte's voice ring a warning bell in my head but then considered that that'd be pretty fucking delusional since she was cursing. So it was just my mind's better half warning me.

_He's cock-driving your damn wife and you're not going to break his bones? _

"_Oh wow, Jake…you're so good at this…"_ her voice seeped through the spaces between the door and banged on my eardrums.

I wanted to pluck my fucking eyes out and fry them after breaking my eardrums. I never wanted to hear again if that was what was ever going to come out from her mouth. She was moaning my tune to another man. I threw the flower on the floor and ran to the lift before I did anything that was fucking irrational and could alert the cops. I couldn't fuck up right now even though my body was angling in every direction toward the door. The elevator opened and I flew inside like I had been pushed into it.

I was so angry that I felt my veins were going to pop out and explode. The cigarette I had smoked earlier on didn't seem to take effect except provide something that looked like a red cloud in front of my eyes; I needed to smoke some shisha. I entered my car and screeched my way out of the street, speeding straight to my apartment. I considered scraping my hands with my car keys as I ran up the twenty seven flights of stairs not patient enough to wait for the elevator.

I was almost out of breath as I pushed the door open to my own hallway. Jane smiled at me as she opened her door with her key, a few doors opposite mine.

"Hello Edward." Her disgusting voice tried to sound seductive to my ears. I struggled with finding the right keys to fit into my keyhole before a hand pressed onto my shoulder. She turned me around and pushed my back to the door. For a small body, she sure could push like a man. "You're alone tonight?" her finger grazed my lower lip and I considered biting it, biting it really fucking hard.

She lifted her knee and rubbed it against my crotch. "You know, we've been living in the same building for almost a month and a half and you haven't even come to visit me when I'm right there." She pointed to her door. "I know we had a rough past and you denied my proposal_,_ but you haven't even tasted it yet, to know if it's good. I could make you feel really good you know." She swiped her tongue against her lip, feeling like one damn temptress when really she was a fucking idiot. "Think about it." Her hands attempted to brush against my hair but I caught her wrist.

No woman touched my hair without my fucking permission.

My body was using this time to rest from the run I had just taken but my fuse was still alive. I brought my lips closer to hers but not touching, her eyes stared at them in anticipation. "Want me to tell you a fucking secret?" my voice was deep and seductive as she nodded weakly, still not taking her eyes off.

"I'll whisper it to you," I smiled, lowering my lips to her ears and biting her earlobe, trying really fucking hard not to rip it off and taste blood. I released it with a pop and she quivered. "I'm never going to fuck you, neither will I marry you, or be your boyfriend. I'm not that desperate, so leave me the fuck alone." I flung her from the front of my door and opened my door.

"You're an asshole. Bella would never give you what you want!" she screamed. "Go fuck yourself!"

"Jane, don't be the first woman I hit because I'm really trying hard to fucking tolerate you." I entered my apartment and then shut my door.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone scrolling till I got to Tanya's name. I dialed it and waited for her to pick up.

"_Hello, Edward. Fuck, do you know what time it is?"_ her voice said groggily.

I didn't expect her to be asleep considering it was a Friday night and she normally went to the club.

"I need you here now," I replied, not really giving a shit about what she was doing.

_**Isabella or Bella?**_

I threw my bag on the bed and went straight to the bathroom to wash my face. I felt emotionally and physically tired as I removed my dress and went to the wardrobe to pick out a night shirt and shorts to wear. I packed my hair into a ponytail and walked back to the living room as Jacob flipped from channel to channel while the television was on mute.

"Are you hungry?" I asked as I opened the fridge and observed I was almost out of drinks.

"No," he replied and I shut the fridge.

I really didn't have an appetite to eat. If there was any hunger brewing in me, it had quenched since the moment I heard the name 'Jessica'. I rubbed my forehead and then popped two pills of Tylenol in my mouth to suspend any future headaches. The night had been involved in so much thinking and screaming that I felt I was going to blow soon. I checked my answering machine and noticed I had two voice mails from my mum.

"_Bella, I haven't heard from you in a while. Are you alright? Hasn't your food finished? We need to go grocery shopping. Have you and Jacob–"_ I quickly pressed the delete button before she could say anything awkward that could make the silence that Jake and I faced more unbearable.

"_Anyway, you're still not there. Charlie wants you to spend some time with him while fishing whenever you're free. He said that you won't return his calls and you ended things on a bad note with him. I really don't know what that's about because we haven't talked but please I hope you're not using that as an excuse not to talk to your parents. You know we love you very much even though _I _love you more than Charlie so make sure you call me _first. _I'll stop being the pest-y mom and be cool and stop leaving you messages."_

I deleted the last message with a smile. I always found it odd that my mum always felt like it was a competition with my dad for who loved me the most. As I walked back to join Jake on the couch I sprained my foot and shouted in pain.

"Are you alright?" Jacob flew from the couch and was in front of me in an instant as I dropped to the floor.

"Yeah, I just sprained my foot." I pressed my fingers on the back of my left foot in an attempt to massage the pain.

"Let me help you with that," he offered and replaced my fingers.

The pad of his thumb added a little pressure on the spot feeling the strain and sent a relaxed sensation through my body. My body began to loosen up the tension that was tying it and I closed my eyes.

"Oh lord, Jake that feels so good…oh oh…oh my god. Could you hit that spot there?" I moved his hands a little bit to the ball of my foot. "Ouh…ow...I've never had it like this before, so good…"

"Really? No one has ever given this to you before?" he asked a little bit surprised and I shook my head as his fingers eased up delicately against my skin.

I rarely got pedicures done. It was like a once-in-a-blue-moon type of thing and the girls never really spent time with feet massages so this was amazing and very satisfying.

"Oh wow, Jake you're so good at this…" I watched as his hands massaged the front of my foot while his thumbs rubbed circles on the back, loosening the stress in it.

"Yeah." His face spread into a huge cute smile and it made me smile in return. "Is it better now?" he asked.

"Uh, huh." I nodded my head and tucked my legs under each other. "Are you mad at me?" I asked, playing with the end of my shirt as he shifted himself into a more comfortable position on the floor.

"Should I be?" he retorted, rubbing his neck and raking his lower lip with his teeth.

I knew Jake wasn't one who expressed his anger verbally or physically. If he was upset about something he usually kept it in his mind and stressed over it but never shared it with anyone. I was afraid of that. I didn't like him keeping burdens to himself and I hoped that when we were married, he would allow me share some of his problems. I knew that he felt like if he were to detonate, it would cause some kind of volcanic eruption that wasn't suitable for a gentleman. And I was afraid that when he was ready to blow up, it wouldn't be a good sight.

"I know I lied to you," I continued, looking down and feeling like a child who had done something wrong in front of his or her father.

"Yeah and believe me, I don't know why you did." I heard him sigh.

"I just didn't want you to think or doubt–"

"But you lied, so that would make me doubt you," he said softly, and I could feel the disappointment etched in his words.

I blew out a deep breath and pushed my hair backwards, looking up. "When did you know? When Edward called Rosalie's name?"

"No, when you said his name was _Eddie_," he chuckled. "You're not a very good liar."

I smiled. "So you knew and you still allowed me to talk to him in private?"

"You're a grown woman, Bella. I can't be making decisions for you. You have your own mind and there's really nothing I can do about it. I can't tell you who or who you should not talk to. I can only trust that you'll do the right thing," he added after a few moments. "Don't ever lie to me Bella; you'll make me lose trust in you."

I nodded and we both stood up. Jacob wanted to take out the trash and turn the lights out before coming to bed so I left him. I wrapped myself with the blankets and thought about all that had happened today.

_Don't ever lie to me Bella; you'll make me lose trust in you_. Jacob's warning echoed in my brain and I could see the word _guilty_ flashing before my eyes as I thought about the kiss Edward and I had shared and how I had excluded that from our conversation.

I closed my eyes and bit my lips as I thought about the kiss. My fingers traced my lips as the memory of his tongue dancing on my lips stained my mind like ink to a paper. His tongue ravishing mine was like honey, kissing my taste buds. I moved my legs together to find some friction as my body quivered in need. Was it a sin to think of him? Was this considered as cheating? Alice was with Jasper and she said she was masturbating to Taylor Kitsch, so what I was doing was basically the same thing, wasn't it?

I imagined his lips on my skin, kissing, licking and tasting. The way his eyes burned with lust as it normally did when he was looking at me in bed. His hands moving roughly against the sheets, crawling to meet his treasure island – or so he called it. The way his nose skimmed along the line of my throat as he whispered what I was doing to him. His teeth scraping my nipples deliciously as his hands slipped downwards. I was almost tempted to touch myself but stopped when Jake entered the room.

He had pulled off his shirt before lying down next to me. He placed a quick kiss on the side of my neck and whispered goodnight as he held me close like I could escape his embrace. I tried to close my eyes but I just kept seeing Edward's face. My mind replayed the way he was looking at me during the game, the way he smoked his cigarette at the back of the kitchen door and the way he kissed me. This was so wrong and I felt so _hot_.

I removed myself from Jacob's arms gently, kissing him softly on the nose before leaving the room. I walked to the kitchen to find something to drink, I felt like my throat was on fire. I turned on the kitchen lights and poured myself a glass of orange juice. I sat on the kitchen stool and leaned against the counter, drinking slowly like I was drinking hot coffee. My eyes caught something in the trash bin and I leaned further toward it to look at it.

It was a single purple hyacinth flower with a picture wrapped around its stem and it was the only thing in the trash can. I wondered if Jacob had bought me a flower and thought it was silly so he threw it in the bin. I removed the small white thread that held the picture to the stem and opened up the picture.

It was a picture of Edward and I in the park when we were eighteen. A goofy grin was pasted on his lips with a joint balancing at the corner and his left brow rose up slightly while my lips were pressed against the side of his face. I was holding a single piece of a red camellia that he had stolen from an old woman's garden he had passed by earlier. He claimed it meant '_I was a flame in his heart' – his light, the fire that kept him alive_ (also said he _Google-d_ that). I thought it was very adorable even though it was stolen and so I kissed him, Alice had captured it on camera. A single tear fell from my eye as I remembered how happy we had all been, sitting down on the grass and enjoying our picnics with Emmett's delicious sandwiches.

I looked at the lovely purple hyacinth and immediately wondered what it meant. My elbow mistakenly pushed the glass of orange juice and it fell to the floor with a loud noise. I checked if the noise had woken up Jacob before dropping the flower and the picture and picking up the broken glass pieces. When I had cleaned the floor and made sure there were no more stains or broken pieces, I returned back to look at the picture and the flower.

I had placed the picture on its back the first time I dropped it and hadn't noticed there was something written on it. I held it up in the light to see Edward's handwriting in black with the words:

_**Some mad hope**_**. **

* * *

**The p****urple Hyacinth flower **_**means**_** 'I am sorry' or 'Please forgive me'. **

**I told you if I gave you EPOV, I won't give you details. Sorry about that. So Rose was very angry in this. Don't be mad at Jake for throwing the flower away. Now you all know what they thought. Hmm…wonder what insane thing E is going to do next, wanna tell me? **

**Let me know if it was crappy or you know, ok. **


	11. Dawn, Twilight & Dusk

**A/N: Hello everyone, it seems like it's been weeks. Not sure. Anyway, I wanted to thank you all for the lovely reviews/story alerts/favorites/pms, all of the juicy stuff that makes my inbox explode into hundreds of orgasms. Thank you all so much for reading this story and being patient even though I've still refused to not share my secret. **

**Thanks to all the amazing ladies who keep me company on the Twilghted thread with their various ways of torturing Edward. Rose actually got him a voodoo doll, hahaha. **

**Thanks to Ericastwilight for help on the little ending of this chapter. **

**Major thanks to my fantastic beta boss, Kuntrygal, who supports me and makes this whole crazy fiasco look presentable and thanks to Lambie. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, as you all know. I basically just rip off from the Twilight saga and sometimes add my own creations. **

**Warning: This chapter is LONG and will contain scenes with sexual themes, viewer discretion is advised. **

* * *

Dawn, Twilight & Dusk

I slipped into a pair of gray sweat pants and a white shirt as I got out of the bathroom. Tucking my hair into a neat ponytail, I walked into the bedroom to find Jacob lying down on the bed, with one of his hands draped over his eyes, and a tray of breakfast delights on the bed stand. My lips curved into a smile as I climbed on top of the bed, before straddling him.

"Hey stranger," My fingers tiptoed along his naked chest, tracing the hard, built masculine packs.

"How are you this morning?"

"Mmm…" his hands gripped my hips firmly, before drawing circles on the exposed skin under the shirt. "I'm good sugar, how are you?"

"Perfect," I lowered my head to his, and planted soft kisses on his lips. "I missed you," I murmured in between kisses, as his hands circled my waist, placing me to lie on top of him.

"Mmm…I missed you too," he moaned and brought his left hand to cup my ass, while my hands found purchase around his neck. His lips brushed against mine with the right amount of pressure to open my mouth, slipping his tongue in to slowly intertwine with mine. His hands swept across my back, raising my shirt upward, before sketching my breasts with his palms.

I parted his legs with mine and rubbed my thigh on his growing hard on, as our legs mingled together in a sensual web. His fingers swirled around one of my nipples, causing it to harden in reaction to his touch. A flare of desire ignited in me, and my legs twitched as the fire settled in my very core. Jacob's lips descended down my throat, assaulting it with luscious kisses before pulling my shirt over my head. His lips grazed my flesh with tiny kisses, moving all the way to my puckered nipples and drawing them in between his teeth.

My body trembled in response, and a moan rolled from my throat as he sucked on my nipple tenderly, and deliciously. His hands pulled on the strings of the sweatpants, caressing the skin with the back of his knuckles as his hair tickled my cheeks. He slowly slid the sweatpants off me and our lips clung to each other in the most intimate state. My stomach twisted in anticipation and I ground myself roughly against his erection. His breath let out an inaudible gasp, as our tongues tried to consume each other in a fiery dance of passion.

My hands ran down his sides and my head fell to his neck, teasing it with tender kisses. His teeth raked my collarbones, causing goosebumps to slither across my skin. His tongue traced erotic patterns as my hands struggled to open his pants.

His mouth came back to mine, hot and hard, as my hands stroked his huge length. His hands moved back up to my neck, rubbing my skin softly as he pushed himself into me with need and desperation. My heart bobbed with excitement at the realization that we were actually doing to do this. I couldn't remember the last time we were both in this passionate, yet relaxed state.

I increased the pace of my hand on his length, molding it fast with enough pressure to send him groaning and his head thrashing back to the head of the bed.

"_Isabella…"_ Edward's voice invaded my brain and shocked my senses as I looked at Jacob to be sure I wasn't seeing things.

"Bella…" Jacob moaned as I continued pumping him. I shook my head and chastised my mind that it was Jacob on the bed and _not _Edward.

Unfortunately, we were interrupted by the blaring noise of my cell phone, signaling that it was Alice calling. In a way, I was relieved for the interruption because something weird had just happened that I couldn't figure out yet. However, I wanted us to continue, to be sure that nothing was wrong with me, and that I hadn't just heard my ex call my name when he was not even in the frigging room.

The only time this had happened was the last time I was with Jake, and I had blamed it on the alcohol. Now, I was in my right senses and I could still hear him, loud and clear. I was starting to think I had some sort of disorder that was somehow linked to hallucinations, hallucinations specifically involving Edward Cullen.

Maybe I needed sexual therapy after all.

_Why was this so hard? How was it possible that he had this control over me? Why? Why? Why? _

I cried in my thoughts, as my head dropped to Jacob's chest in disappointment. I hadn't even realized that I had stopped giving him a hand job until his hands gently removed mine from his erection, which by the way, was still hard and had not found its release yet.

That made both of us.

I needed this. We needed this. We were going to be married soon and we couldn't even have decent sex or a good make out session before the wedding_._

_If we couldn't do this now…when were we ever going to do this?_

_Maybe I should talk to Jasper…then again, maybe not._

He swallowed loudly before speaking in a husky voice. "Wanna get that?" he kissed my hair and I groaned.

Reality intruded for the second time, as my phone continued with its annoying sound. I knew it would take a whole lot to ignore Alice, so I rolled on to the other side of the bed and picked it up, wrapping the sheets around my body. Jacob arranged himself and zipped up before going into the bathroom.

I knew he was disappointed. Hell, I was disappointed. We hadn't had sex for weeks and this was torturing him as much as it was torturing me. I really needed to make this right.

"Hello," I answered the phone with a loud sigh.

"_Bella, could you come quickly? Something's terribly wrong,"_ Alice's panicked voice filtered into the phone from the other end of the line.

"Why? What's wrong Al?" I quickly sat up.

"_It's Jasper; I need you to get here fast!"_

"Okay, I'll be over soon." I dropped the call, quickly thrust my legs into a pair of jeans, and placed my shirt back on.

"Everything alright?" Jacob asked; crossing his arms against his chest, and watching me throw my cards and keys into my purse, before rushing into the bathroom to throw some water on my face.

"It's Alice. I don't know. I have to go." I stopped in front of him to give him a kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you when I get back?"

"I planned dinner for us at seven, can you make it?" he dragged me toward him by my jeans, taking my lips into a soft kiss.

"Sounds awesome, it's a date!" I kissed him one last time before bolting out the door.

I took a cab and arrived at Alice's place in time, rushing through the doors of the building with the key she gave me. I didn't know what was going on, but from the phone call, she sounded really worried and upset. And Alice hardly sounded distressed about something, so this was definitely not good.

"Fuck, hold that elevator!" I heard Rosalie's voice, as I pressed the open button.

"Oh hey you, you looked flushed, are you okay?" she asked, panting and ensuring that a strand hadn't gone astray on her perfect hair.

"I'm okay, she called you too?" I asked, pressing the number to Alice's floor.

"Yeah, said something about it being an emergency. Something about Jasper having an attack, I don't know. I'm just getting here," she held her chest and tried to regulate her breathing as the doors opened.

We ran across the hallway like two crazy women and didn't even stop to knock on the door. Instead I just shoved the key into the keyhole and dashed into the room, looking frantically for Alice as I walked further into the apartment.

"Hey guys, wow, I didn't know you'd be here that fast," I found Alice, looking _nice, healthy_ and _very cozy_ in Jasper's arms, as their eyes darted from the television screen to look at us.

"What?!" Rosalie shrieked, making me cringe at the sound. "You're not _dying_?" she asked incredulously, as Alice's body vibrated with laughter. "You're laughing? You think this is fucking funny? By the time I'm through with your little idiotic self; you'll be dying and praying someone fucking saves you," Rosalie was ready to pounce on her, as Alice cowered into Jasper's embrace.

"Jasper, so help me lord. If you hide that little minx, I'll be having your fucking balls for breakfast!" she dropped her bag and walked over to the sofa.

I was angry but seeing Rose in action just quenched mine and I decided to step back to let her deal with Alice for the both of us.

"Okay, okay, okay!" Alice screamed in between giggles, as she stood up and ran away from Rosalie's angry stance. "It was wrong, it was stupid and childish, and I fucking apologize but you needed to hear yourselves. Rose was almost crying on the phone, I've never seen her show so much emotion before." She managed to say as another wave of laughter rang in the room, and very soon everyone joined her.

"I thought someone was hurt. Don't fucking do that again." Rosalie hissed. "That was so not funny; you scared the shit out of me,"

"Rosalie you're such a mother at times, come on give me a hug. Let me make it up to you," Alice opened her arms and forced Rosalie into a tight hug.

"I didn't know you were such a softy," I nudged Rosalie, and she rolled her eyes at me, as Alice gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"It's the hormones. If you bitches, including you Jasper," she pointed to him. "Ever mention this to anyone; you all would be having attacks!" Rosalie threatened in a very menacing tone that sent us doubling into another round of laughter for the second time.

The room quieted down for a while before Alice spoke again. "So, I called you here for a reason. We're going to the mall; you idiots have to tell me the whole breakdown of what happened when I passed out. Damn, I can't believe I missed that whole shit yesterday! Jacob and Edward in the same room; who knew? Did anyone get hurt?" Alice applied some lip gloss and placed invisible strands of hair to the back.

"Nothing happened; I can't believe I got interrupted from a good time just so I could give you the gist of something unimportant." I huffed, dropping to the chair beside me.

"Oh, someone was getting some. And that's why I had to use that as an excuse to get you two lazy asses here," Alice said, grabbing her bag and kissing Jasper before we headed out the door.

We drove to the mall, giving Alice a replay of everything that happened yesterday. Rosalie was acting a little edgy on the topic, and I dismissed it as the detestation she usually had for cases concerning Edward. I didn't want to go into too much detail of what happened, considering the fact that I didn't want to think or talk about Edward, now or ever. I was starting on a clean, blank slate. A slate that was going to be filled with me and Jacob. I was going to rectify whatever problems that I had, and Edward Cullen was going to be permanently history.

I was not the eighteen year old girl who thought he was charming because he stole flowers from old women's gardens.

I was not the twenty year old girl he claimed he was going to marry when he stood at that park with his guitar, looking irresistibly sexy.

And I definitely was not the twenty one year old girl he left on her wedding day, after promising her a lifetime of endless love that same morning.

I was Bella Swan, who was going to be a Black, by heart, body and soul.

We stopped at the lingerie store to check out the undergarments they had.

"So guys, I have some big news," Alice said as we strode into the store, going straight to the bra and panties section. "I'm breaking up with Jasper,"

"What?" Rosalie and I shouted in a chorus and turned to face her as she shrugged.

"Why?" I asked, as each of us separated to look at different sets of underwear.

"I don't know. I feel like we're becoming too serious, you know?" she said, looking at a pair of pink and black polka dots bra and pant set.

"Eh…well, that's what you expect from a twenty eight year old guy dating a twenty seven year old girl who've both been in a relationship that many married people don't even achieve. That's what adults do…they get serious," Rosalie said.

"Don't you love him anymore?" I turned to face her.

"I do. I love him but I feel like we're…I don't know how to say this." She dumped the set back on the table and moved to the strapless bras section. "How do I know he's the right guy for me? How do I know he's my soul mate, the one I'm supposed to be with, the one destined for me?" Rosalie rolled her eyes. "How do you know Jacob is the one for you?"

I stopped to think about it. I had never really believed in soul mates, or that there was one guy specifically made for you. In a way, I found the whole theory ridiculous. I did believe in fairy tales once, when I was a teenager. I believed that there was always going to be one amazing guy that would sweep you off your feet. And I believed his name was Edward Cullen. Then I stopped believing when I waited in that princess bridal gown with my hair all rolled up into a crown, hoping to see him in his silver shiny Volvo so we could ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after…

Then I also met reality and she woke me up, and told me that all that was _bullshit _and just _dreams_. The heartbreaking revelation was similar to telling a child, Santa didn't exist.

I didn't know if Jacob was the one for me. I just knew that we were compatible with each other, and he was here, and we were getting married and hopefully, there will be no girl waiting for her groom. It would just be me and him, simple.

"Uh, hello." Rosalie snapped her fingers in front of Alice's face, as if to wake her up from her dream. "He's a sexual therapist. He's your soul mate,"

"He's a sexual therapist who believes that love only lasts for two years and after that you just grow to get accustomed to the person," Alice dumped the pair of bras she was holding, in frustration.

"He told you that?" I asked.

"No, he told one of his students,"

"I didn't know he was a professor," Rosalie added, picking up a housecoat and trying it on in front of the mirror.

"He's not; he was filling for someone."

"Aren't you afraid that he'll meet someone though?" I asked her.

"I don't know… it's always been Alice and Jasper. I just want to know if there's someone else out there."

"I know what you're afraid of," Rosalie said looking triumphant, as Alice tried to interrupt. "No, no, don't argue. You're either scared that he's going to leave you, and you want to leave first. Or you're scared because you're growing older, things are rushing too fast and you can't control it."

"I'm not…I just need space," Alice sighed.

"Well, in other news, I might be pregnant." Rose blurted out, turning her attention back to housecoats.

"I thought you weren't getting any," Alice accused.

"Oh please, that was weeks ago,"

"How do you know?" I countered, looking for a place to sit down. Shopping was quite draining.

"Because I've been pregnant once and I can tell. I was taking a pregnancy test when this mouse called me. And if it's true, after this one, Emmett's getting a vasectomy,"

"Why?" Alice asked, slightly in disbelief.

"Because I don't want to ruin my figure, and really two is enough." She picked up some housecoats while Alice picked up a few things as we walked to the cashier.

I stopped in my tracks when I saw the person who had just walked in. She was wearing a black pencil skirt and a dark purple blouse that made her look classy and expensive. Her strawberry blond hair deluged down her shoulders, as she placed her sunglasses on to rest at the top of her head. She glanced around, before walking elegantly towards the padded bra section.

"B, what the fuck is the matter with you?" Alice's voice interrupted me while they paid for their stuffs.

"I just saw the girl Edward came back to Forks with," I said softly, and suddenly an intense feeling clouded my head.

"What girl?" Alice asked, following my gaze to where Tanya stood looking at a pair of _interesting _lingerie. "Oh… I see. Well, she's pretty hot,"

"I know, she looks my twin sister," Rosalie handed out her credit card to the cashier.

I really had very _supportive _friends.

"Wonder what she's doing…" Alice pondered as our three sets of eyes glued to the blond woman's form, scanning through various corsets.

"Buying lingerie…what the fuck do they do in lingerie stores?" Rosalie rolled her eyes and picked up her bag.

"Wonder who she's buying it for…" I muttered impetuously.

"I think you should go say hi." Alice said as Rose and I turned to her with a look of disbelief. "What? You know you want to know what kind of relationship she has going on with Edward. Go talk to her,"

"I don't think I should," I finally tore my eyes away from hottie-doll, and looked at my friends.

"And why the fuck not?" Alice asked.

"Because she has moved on from Edward, why would she care if he's seeing a model?" Rosalie added.

I sketched a brow at Rosalie's last word _model_. I never really understood why she thought that everyone who was extremely beautiful was a model.

"It will ease her curiosity. After all, he says he's back for her so why is he with her?" Alice pointed back to our subject, who had picked quite a handful of underwear in her hand. "Go talk to her,"

I looked at Rosalie to be sure that this was the right thing to do because even though, Rose was harsh and cruel, she thought things through before she acted. Well, she thought _some_ things through because I wasn't entirely in support of Emmett's vasectomy.

"Well, naturally, I would say no but I'm pretty fucking curious so go," she ushered me away from her with her hands.

I took a deep breath and walked toward Tanya's direction. I turned back to look at my friends and be sure this was the right thing to do, and they smiled and encouraged me to continue walking. I didn't know why I was nervous. I was over him. So it shouldn't have really mattered what Tanya was going to say. But the feeling in my chest made my heart race with each step. Whatever she was going to say made me kind of worried.

What if she said she was his girlfriend?

_What does it matter?_

What if she said she was sleeping with him?

_You're over him; you really don't care who he sleeps with or whose picture is in his wallet. He's a done deal, case closed. _

What if she's his fiancée and everything he told me was a lie? And I didn't mean anything to him? That this was just a game as I thought it was.

_Well, good for him. You make sure you have both of your weddings on the same day!_

I hadn't even realized I had reached my destination until she turned to look at me.

"Can I help you?" she asked, tucking her hair behind her ears and showing off her beautiful gold ear rings.

"Um…" I stuttered like an idiot, wondering why the hell in the first place I was here, and standing in front of her. I looked back to my friends and they gave me the thumbs up, which I'm sure if Tanya was watching that exchange, she'd think we were all freaks. "Uh…"

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" she asked again, appearing a bit confused which I didn't blame her for.

"No," I croaked out. "You're Edward's _friend_ right?" I asked casually, but in my mind, I had put the emphasis on the word '_friend'_ in bold letters.

"Oh, you're one of Edward's friends?" she continued, looking slightly relieved. She probably thought I was a stalker or something, given the fact that stalkers now existed in Forks. "I haven't met any of his female friends before, pardon me, what's your name? I'm Tanya," she held out her hand which was bound with a nice gold watch.

"Bella," I said faintly, as her hands froze on my fingers and she looked down.

_Ah, so he's mentioned me. I wonder what he mentioned me as, an ex lover, ex girlfriend, ex fiancée, ex life. I do hope he didn't forget to tell her that he left me on my wedding day, that way she would be properly informed and be ready in case he plans to do it again._

Tanya became quiet immediately, which made this whole situation…awkward. I preferred when she thought I was a freak, and actually had something to say to me. Now there was a kind of tension that sizzled between us and it made me feel uncomfortable. I should have probably thought about what I was going to say before approaching her.

"So," I placed my hands into my back pocket, swinging from foot to foot. It was then I had realized that we were so different. I was only dressed in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt while she looked like something that popped out of a magazine. "Uh, I should go…" I said quickly, turning around to walk away. I had already made a fool out of myself by attempting to talk to her in the first place.

"Bella wait," she called after me and grabbed my wrist, making me face her. "It's not what you think,"

_Darn it! Women used that line too?_

I folded my arms against my chest and turned to her with furrowed brows. _How did everyone know what I thought?_

I didn't even know what I thought. All I knew was that Edward was a conundrum that I couldn't solve.

"I can't tell you anything but just know that _everything isn't what it seems_…" she continued, causing the confusion seed to grow and swell inside of me. "He did a pretty fucked up thing and if I was the one, I wouldn't take him back, either,"

_But you're with him now…_

I shook my head, hoping that whatever was in the air that was making me feel confused could really diffuse out.

"So what are you to him?" I asked.

Fifty percent of me wanted me to know, forty percent didn't want to know, and the remaining ten percent was hoping not to care.

_But I cared…because I always cared whenever it came to him. _

"You still haven't answered my question, what are you to him?" I asked again. I didn't know where the confidence was coming from, it was probably from the anxiety of what she was about to say.

"I know that I'm not the one he loves," she smiled weakly.

***

I sat at the table and took a sip of chardonnay, savoring the taste as the liquid kissed my tongue and glided down my throat. Jacob sat in front of me with a smile as the waitress brought our orders and placed it on the table. The table was adorned with grilled chicken quesadillia, steamed mussels, sizzling stir fry, and pasta with lobster ravioli. The amount of food on the table was quite overwhelming especially when I was sure that none of us were going to finish it. But Jacob said he wanted to have a feast, a celebration of some sort, to _us._

I pierced my steak with my knife and added a bit of pepper to the white wine Alfredo sauce before dipping it in the sauce and taking a bite. Jacob planned a kind of formal evening dinner, and was dressed in a purple buttoned shirt while I was wearing a dark blue dress.

"So," Jacob swallowed down his food with a chug of wine. "I was thinking that we should set a date for the wedding," he said slowly, almost as if he was afraid to bring up the topic. I nodded in agreement and continued stuffing my mouth with more pasta. "It might not be now, or anytime soon, if you're not ready." He quickly said. "It could be in the next six months,"

I paused my chewing as the weight of this conversation dawned on me. I was getting married soon and Jacob was asking for my permission to start carrying on with the wedding arrangements.

I immediately lost my appetite and pushed the pasta away, bringing the lobster closer to me. I needed something to keep my mind busy and struggling with lobsters, seemed pretty inviting. I didn't want him to think I wasn't ready for this, even though I had already started feeling nauseated. So I nodded and focused on the delicious lobster in front of me, breaking off the legs and taking off the claws.

"I was also thinking…" he continued and my heart sank at the fact that there was more to talk about.

"That since we'll soon be getting married, we'll need a place of our own. Like our own house. And I was thinking of letting Alice know, so she could tell us what's in the market right now."

I continued nodding, using a nutcracker to break the claw. Lobsters really took a lot of stress just to eat.

"Bella," Jacob called and I looked at him. "You haven't said anything." He said, dropping his cutlery and resting his elbows on the table. "If you feel that you're not ready, I can always wait. I know this must be hard for you to do again but seriously, I'll wait. We don't even have to have a big wedding. We could just fly to Vegas and get married."

I dropped the nutcracker and scoffed.

_Go to Vegas, yeah right._

Billy had been planning this wedding for as long as I could remember. He had already told all his friends that Jake and I were getting married before Jake even proposed. Charlie was also in on this too. If we had escaped to go to Vegas to elope, I couldn't imagine the heartbreak that Billy would have to go through. And I was very sure that Jake wanted a big wedding, with all his friends and colleagues, watching him as he sealed the deal.

He _didn't_ want to go to Vegas.

"I'm fine. We can start the preparations when we're ready. And if you want to get a house, you can go ahead." I said, pouring more wine into my glass.

"Bella, I want to do this with _you._ I want to make all the decisions with you. I don't want to exclude you from anything. I want you to tell me if you don't like something or if you don't want to live in Forks, or anything. I'm in this with you. I want you to be happy and extremely comfortable,"

"Yes, Jake and I'm fine. You can tell Alice to show you what's available and when you're ready, we'll go and see the place." I smiled to reassure him.

"And we're getting the dog?" his eyes lit up at the possibility.

I rolled my eyes. "Okay fine, we're getting the dog," I grimaced at the word _dog._ "But, you are doing all the work. The cleaning, the vet, everything," I pointed my fork at him, feigning seriousness in which he responded with a chuckle.

I brought the pasta back in front of me and pushed the lobster away. Jacob fed me a couple of spoons of quesadillia like I was a child, as we laughed and joked around. It felt so good to be with him. I had forgotten how easy it was to just sit down and talk to him. He talked about work and the latest program installations he had to carry out. He talked about Billy and how Charlie missed me and wanted to see me. We talked about his friends on the reservations and it felt really relaxing. It felt normal. There was no more tension, once we closed the wedding topic.

"Good evening," a waiter approached us with a dark green case, encasing a bottle of Dom Perignon. "A gentleman who was sitting over there," he pointed to one of the tables that was adjacent to ours but appeared vacant. "Said I should give this to you miss," He dropped the elegant case in front of me.

"I'm sorry but you must be mistaken," I said, pushing the case back to him.

"No I'm not. He said I should bring it to the couple sitting here, _specifically_." The waiter insisted. "You are Isabella, right?" he turned to me.

"Yes she is," Jacob answered as I sighed. "Was he here alone?"

"No, he was with a young beautiful lady. They just left."

"We'll take it," Jacob said, collecting the case from him and dismissing the waiter.

I looked at him to make sure he was okay with this. We were having such a nice evening and I didn't want it to be ruined by a mere bottle of wine.

"Well, this looks really expensive," he said, opening the case and inspecting the bottle. "You think he poisoned it?"

A chuckle escaped my lips because I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction. Jacob always had a way of making things seem at ease and I loved him for it. It was his charm that always won me over.

"I'm serious," he said, pretending to be serious.

"You're being ridiculous, he won't hurt me." I replied and immediately regretted the words as they spilled from my mouth. _Well, not physically but emotionally, he can._

"You're right, why waste money on a bottle of Dom Perignon just to poison it?"

"You're crazy," I chuckled.

Jacob and I finished dinner and headed back home with a lot of take out. The security guard at the reception informed me that the mail had arrived, so I decided to go upstairs and get my mail box key to check. Jacob was pretty tired after trying but failing to devour dinner, so he went to lie down on my bed as I went downstairs.

I opened my mail box and found a house designing brochure and a couple of envelopes containing; bills and two letters. One letter was from dating services while the other was from my father. I hadn't called him yet, so he must have thought this was the best way to reach me, how traditional.

I opened the sealed envelope as I entered the elevator and pressed the number to my floor. I wasn't really paying attention because I was still struggling to get the letter out of the envelope, so I hadn't noticed that someone was standing at the back of me and the elevator hadn't moved.

"How was dinner? Did you enjoy the wine?" Edward's voice whispered in my ear, the sound so close that I almost jumped out of my skin at the shock of it.

"Oh Jesus! You scared me, what are you doing here?" I asked, before pressing the button again.

"The elevator is on service," he said, dangling a bunch of keys in front of my face as he turned around to face me. "You're _trapped _here with _me_,"

"Why is the elevator on service?" I asked, perplexed. "You don't even live in this building,"

"I wanted to see you," he drawled, with a gaze so deep and intense that it made a shiver slide across my spine, as I moved backward until my body hit the walls of the elevator.

There was almost no room, which was quite surprising since the elevator could probably hold twenty five people. His masculine presence had consumed every modicum of space left. Everywhere I turned, I saw him, the mirrors of the lift reflecting his image and replicating it in my brain. I was indeed trapped and in need of some serious air. The feeling almost made me claustrophobic.

"You looked so beautiful tonight, still do," he moved closer to me and each step sent my back digging into the mirrors. "I was so fucking envious when I saw you, happy and smiling, drinking with _him_. He must be pretty funny to make you laugh," his eyes darkened. "Remember when I used to make you laugh?"

"What are you trying to do, Edward?" I swallowed thickly, as his forefinger grazed my throat and made a trail all the way down to the location of my center. "Do you want to jeopardize my engagement?"

"I would never do that. That would be way too easy…" his finger stroked my clothed-slit which was already accumulating my underwear with a smoldering desire. "Plus it wouldn't be a fair fight to Jake,"

"Can we act civilized?" I hissed and slapped his finger. "We'll make a show for our audience," my eyes flashed to the camera at the top left corner of the elevator.

"That's going to be a big problem Isabella, since I'm clearly not the civilized type." He pinned my body, ensuring that I had no room to escape. "I mean, what kind of civilized man, traps a woman in the elevator, thinking of various ways to take her and make our audience have a good fucking show?" I felt his breath slapping my face and the proximity made my breath hitch. "Don't turn away from me, _please_?" he tapped my chin toward him with his finger.

"I don't know what you want Edward," My breath caught in my throat. I could feel my blood pounding in my ears and my heart ready to explode out of my chest.

"I _want_ you," his lips hovered over mine, close enough but not touching. "I've always wanted you, so fucking much," his chest compressed mine and I could feel it heave up and down slowly, as he took each breath. "Just, as you've always wanted me. Right now, you're itching for it." His teeth pulled out my bottom lip and sucked on it.

"Edward," I pushed him slightly. "I'm sorry, I can't do this. I don't want you anymore,"

"Hmm…I don't think that's quite correct, you see your body tells me differently," his hands lifted my dress up and dived into my underwear as his finger skimmed my slit. His finger radiated every single nerve as parts of my body disintegrated into flames. "I know we got off on the wrong foot," he bit the tender skin of my nape before sweeping his tongue to the curve of my throat. "I know you don't trust me and I know you'll refuse," his thumb brushed my clit, scattering tremors along my skin and wiping any intelligent thought from my head. "And this might not be the best time for this…" I could feel his finger drive in slowly into my mound. "But I'm going to fucking go through with it,"

I gasped as I felt his whole finger move inside me. "Marry me…" the shock of his words and the sensation of his second finger delving into my clit made my body buzz with an intense heat. I captured my lower lip with my teeth as he slot in a third finger. "Marry me…Isabella." His voice was as rough as sandpaper.

"I know I hurt you and I know you hate me," he sucked on the skin of my neck and brought his other hand to my breast. "But I promise…you can punish me forever when you're with me," My body clenched and a shudder ran through it as he curved his fingers slightly. "I'm not leaving this time, I promise,"

"Oh… my… God," I stuttered.

"Give in to me…" his lips crushed mine in a state of urgency and demanded that I succumb to him. I was clearly too overwhelmed to think as his thumb brushed the top of my clit and he twisted his fingers inside me. My momentum slipped and I surrendered to him.

I deluded myself into not thinking that he had done anything for a moment. I created an illusion that he hadn't left me, and time had erased his crime and we were okay. I knew it was wrong especially since my fiancé was upstairs but I didn't want to think about that. I believed Tanya for that single moment and I lost myself in him.

My fingers tangled in his hair and his body inhaled sharply. I could feel his arousal slamming into my stomach as the tip of his finger grazed my g-spot.

"Make me _yours _as I have made you _mine_," his voice, dark and dangerous, sending me over the edge. "My Isabella…"

My whole body racked out in an intense pleasure as the orgasm spread through me like wildfire, and sent me collapsing in his arms. I heard a tap on the elevator and Edward looked at me slightly disappointed.

"I have to go," he said, withdrawing his hands from my underwear and my body missed it regrettably. He placed the key into the service lock, turned it, and it opened. He scrambled out without a single word and left me as I punched the button of my floor.

I wasn't surprised, he always took off.

***

_A week after…_

I pulled my phone out of my bag as I walked out of the library building. My mother was already waiting for me at the grocery store and I was ten minutes late. I quickly sent a text to Jasper, informing him that I needed to have a therapy session with him. I couldn't even believe I was going to do this but after the other night with Edward, I thought it was the right thing to do. My emotions were somehow conflicting with my sex life and I needed to correct the blunder. I hadn't actually thought about his proposal, I had planned to ban it from my mind even though the memories of his fingers assaulted my dreams in the night.

After sending the text to Jasper, I called Renee to let her know that I wasn't ignoring her and I was on my way soon. I really needed groceries anyway, and I knew she was going to start acting crazy if she didn't invade my life. I looked up and found out I had ten seconds to cross the road before the red traffic light turned green. I punched in Renee's phone number and hit dial as I rushed to cross the street before my walk time was up.

It all really happened so fast. I didn't even know when or how or what.

I heard some tires screech loudly toward me and I looked up to find a man's face filled with horror, as he shook his head, and his hands tried to stir his steering wheel to turn to the other direction. My phone fell out my hand and my mouth dropped open as I realized that his blue tuck was heading right toward me.

My throat went dry and my heart clutched tightly as I knew there was no escape. The distance between the truck and I was small, and it was speeding directly to hit me at a fast rate.

_I'm going to die._

The reality of that thought sunk deep inside of me. I had always heard that the moment before you die, your life flashed before your eyes like pages flitting open in a book but I had never really thought about it. Then again, I had never really thought about death or the possibility of dying.

Now it was so real, I could see the images of the people I loved, their happy faces fluttering in my mind. I could see Alice making stupid faces as she tossed food at me. I could see Rosalie wink her eyes at me. I could see Renee giving me that tender loving motherly look as she tossed more packs of cereal into my cart, complaining that I needed to eat more. I could see Emmett playing with his kid while Jasper kissed Alice passionately. I could see my dad, Charlie, holding out his gun, chewing on a stick and a beer in his other hand. I could see Jacob kissing my fingers before he left for work and telling me how much he loved me.

But most of all, I could see Edward's dazzling crooked smile and the way his hands drove into his scalp, pushing his hair back. I could see him biting his lower lip, trying to tease me about something silly. And the way his smile lit up his green eyes with happiness.

Before I knew it, my body was pushed into something hard and it knocked the air out of me. Arms surrounded my small frame as I fell and hit the ground with a thud; a sharp stinging pain shot through me as I felt the tarred road scraping my skin.

I could feel blood staining my arms and a heavy weight pressed against my body. Dizziness consumed me as the scent assaulted my senses. I couldn't move; I felt paralyzed on the spot and the sound of a couple of horns, and a crash with people screaming at the background filled my ears.

"_Isabella,"_ I heard Edward's voice faintly, filled with panic.

In my mind, I could still see him smiling at me and crooking his finger, calling out to me to come and join him.

"_Isabella, are you alright?"_ I heard it again.

I was confused, he looked so happy why did his voice sound distraught?

"_Isabella, oh fuck, God please. Please fucking be okay. I'll give up smoking please just answer me,"_ the voice cried out.

I cocked a brow of confusion at the image of Edward in front of me. He smiled again, opening his hands to take mine. I shook my head and smiled right back at him, as I slipped my hands in his warm palms.

Slowly, I heard the noise fade away as everything dissolved into a white cloud.

* * *

**Yeah, so I was really really nervous about this chapter for a lot of reasons. So please let me know how it went. Hope you caught the reference with the title of the chapter and how it applies to the characters. There are other references that were in this too. **

**So Edward proposed for the second time, huh? I'm just going to say this; always remember the prologue…**

**Check you out next chappie!**


	12. Love is just a Stranger without trust

**I OWN NOTHING!**

**So I was nervous.**

**This chapter is long and might be slightly confusing. If you do make it to the end, my author's note is there. **

**And yeah, it's there because I was nervous.**

* * *

**Love is just a stranger without trust**

I woke up with a burning, aching pain that encompassed my body whole body, shooting up from my head all the way to my toes. My muscles felt strained, like they were constricting tightly in curls. My skin felt peppery, like fire had burnt the skin surrounding the arms. I felt something poking into my nose which made my breathing feel uncomfortable. My whole body felt like it was strapped to something, making any movement seem difficult.

My eyelids struggled to open as the voices increased in volume. I groaned in pain as my eyes opened and was greeted with a sharp fluorescent light. I shifted uncomfortably on the bed as my eyes tried to adjust to the light. The bed sheet under my body squeaked in protest as I moved and closed my eyes.

If I had died and God had passed judgment, I had definitely gone to hell.

I felt so horrible on the inside and the voices had started to pick up pace, filling my ears with random words that I couldn't make sense out of. I felt hair grazing the tips of my fingers. I tried opening my eyes for another shot of sight and found three masculine figures that seemed to be in a heated argument from the intense looks on their faces.

Perhaps they were angels determining the weight of my sins, and figuring out where they wanted to place me.

I blinked a few times to remove the cloud that made my eyes blurry and looked over to the person sitting beside me, Rosalie. She was reading a book with a tentative look on her face, her maroon perfectly manicured nails, flitting through the pages carefully as if she was holding something delicate. I glanced over to see whose hair was splayed over my fingers and recognized it to be Alice's. I could hear a beeping sound from somewhere around me.

My throat felt dry, like someone had scratched it with sandpaper. I cleared it in an attempt of speaking out. Fortunately, Rosalie heard me and turned to look at me with a careful expression. Her look actually frightened me.

"You're awake, are you alright?" She quickly discarded the novel carelessly onto the floor.

I swallowed a few times to quench the thirst that was bubbling in my throat and muttered. "Uh…"

_Was I alright? I almost died._

"She's awake," Edward hissed as he and the two men standing by the window, whom I recognized to be my father and Jacob, rushed to my side immediately.

"Oh darling, how are you feeling?" Alice's head popped up from the bed.

I looked up to see five sets of eyes staring back at me as if I were some alien that had just been dropped by a spaceship on the surface of the earth, or a new born child. It freaked me out.

"Maybe we should give her some space," Jacob said as he somehow sensed my discomfort and they moved slightly away from me.

"We should call Carlisle now that she has woken up," Charlie said before giving Edward a glare.

"I'll go," Jacob gave me a weak smile and left the room.

"Do you want anything?" Alice offered and I told her I needed water, my throat felt itchy.

"What happened?" I asked, as my father looked at me with an uncertainty and something else that I couldn't quite decipher.

"You almost had an accident, you don't remember?" Edward asked as worry clouded his face and I sucked in a deep breath.

Of course I remembered, I was about to die. I should have been dead. I was so sure the truck was going to hit me so I was surprised to still be alive. It wasn't that I wasn't grateful; I just wanted to know what had happened. Edward must have seen the confusion on my face because he quickly rushed to explain what happened. He looked slightly wary and I wasn't sure why. Everyone kept looking at me like I had probably grown two heads under one minute.

_Did they think I lost my mind?_ As that thought diffused in my brain, I realized that they must have thought I had amnesia since I hadn't said anything that let them know I knew them. So I rushed to clarify that I was the Bella Swan they knew, before Charlie had a heart attack.

"Where's mom?" I asked, vaguely remembering that I was supposed to meet her at the grocery store.

"She went to the bathroom, she wanted to be here when you woke up but she was in a real panicky state." Charlie tried to curve his lips into a smile but failed and succeeded with a grimace instead.

"Isabella," the door opened to reveal Dr. Carlisle Cullen with his crisp clean white coat and a chart in his left hand. Impulsively, I corrected him and said 'Bella' in which he replied me with a smile. I didn't know why I corrected him; it actually hadn't registered in my mind until the name slipped from my lips. It just felt odd hearing the name from someone who wasn't Edward.

It had been ages since I last saw Carlisle, and as always he looked astonishingly handsome. I had avoided Edward's family like a plague since he left, they reminded me too much of him and what my life could have been if he had married me.

"Bella," he nodded and brought out his pen as he looked at his chart. "How are you feeling?"

"Horrible," I replied honestly. "My body is in pain."

"That will subside soon. The pain is coming from when Edward pushed you out of the way. The force at which his body pressed against you affected your body." He looked at Edward who had his gaze focused on me. I tried not to blush at the thought of 'him pressing his body on me' which seemed too erotic for what it was supposed to mean. "There weren't any serious injuries, just a couple of bruises on your arm which we treated," he pointed to the bandage on my arm. "We took a couple of CT scans to be sure that you didn't have any fractures on your skull when you were pushed to the ground, so the tests would be here in a couple of minutes. Apart from that, you should be fine and if the tests are okay, you can go home." He smiled. "I'll prescribe some drugs for you," he said, scribbling something in his medical chart. "And make sure you get loads of rest,"

"Thank you," I smiled in gratitude as Renee rushed into the room. Carlisle left as she sat down beside me.

"My sweetheart, thank heavens you're okay. I have always told you to look at where you're going when you cross the road, but you never listen. There are insane drivers out there that are stupid enough not to concentrate on the road or drink while driving. You could have been killed. You could have died. Only lord knows, what could have happened if Edward hadn't jumped in front of the truck to save you," she spilled her worries and took a deep breath as she gave Edward a look of appreciation.

"Yeah, I'm glad I'm not dead," I replied as she took my hand and held it in a comforting gesture.

"Maybe we should leave her to rest," Alice said, standing up. "I'm going to call you later honey, I have an appointment and it's getting really late," she smiled sadly.

"Yeah, I have to go and pick up Brady from his grandma's place, before she sleeps off and forgets she's babysitting him," Rosalie picked up her novel and placed it in her bag.

They both kissed me on the cheek and left the room, leaving me unprotected with Edward, Charlie, Jacob and Renee. Well, at least I still had Renee.

"Please, can I talk to Edward?" I asked, trying not to meet their eyes but relented when I noticed all of them had made no move to leave the room. "_Alone_, please?" I added and did not miss the look of disappointment that flickered over Jacob's face.

They all shuffled out of the room with Charlie grumbling like a kid who his parents had refused to buy him candy. Edward's form towered over my bed as he stood at the end with his arms crossed against his chest. I noticed he had a bandage on his left arm.

There was a look of genuine concern plastered on his face and his forehead creased in worry. I felt a bit happy for some odd reason that he looked vulnerable. It was very seldom that that ever happened.

"You saved my life," I said, stating it as a fact and not a question. The idea that he risked his life and jumped in front of a moving truck to save my life blended a mixture of fear and sweetness in me.

It was frightening to think that something could have happened to him and it could have been my fault. I hated him but I couldn't stand anything hurting him even in the slightest sense. "Thank you," I whispered, thinking the words were not good enough to describe how grateful I was.

"You don't need to fucking thank me Isabella; I would do that shit for you any other day, it's my job." He said softly.

"What do you mean it's your job?" My brows furrowed in confusion. He wasn't obligated to do anything for me.

"It's my job to protect you Isabella. It comes naturally when you love someone; you always want to look out for them," he drove his hands into his hair and cursed under his breath. "Fuck Isabella, you almost killed me…you would have fucking died today if I had not been there. Why the fuck are you so careless?"

I blinked back and tried to suppress the anger that was rising within me. What did he mean by that? It wasn't my fault that the driver was still driving when the traffic lights clearly glared red, and the walk sign for the pedestrians to cross the road, was on. The driver was the person who was wrong. He was angry with me because I almost had an accident that I had no control of? I tried to digest the rage before I attacked him. He just saved my life and the least I could do was be grateful.

A moment passed before I spoke again. "Edward, why are you here?" I asked, not sure how to place my question as his brow rose up in disbelief. I quickly rushed to rectify the question. "I mean, why are you always around? I feel like everywhere I go, I see you. You were at the restaurant, the library, my apartment…why do I see you everywhere?"

"I'm not everywhere Isabella…you're just seeing what you want to see…" a delicious predatory smile danced on his lips and his eyes, highlighted with a glint of evil in them, narrowed at me. "Have you thought of my proposal yet?" his voice was silk and yet dominating, making me shiver as he held my gaze.

I looked away as he drew the curtain to cover the window and walked to my side. His hands brushed my hair backward and he tilted my chin to look at him. "You know…" he started in a rough voice. "I saved you…so technically," he trailed his finger on the side of my face. "You owe me…"

Incredulity splashed over my face and my mouth dropped open in response to the ridiculous words spewing from his mouth. "Are you…" I tried to say it but failed to do so because of the shock.

How the hell did he go from being sweet to being a complete asshole in a second? Could he get any more annoying?

"If I could, I'd probably make a bargain because it would be easier." My eyes widened further. "Don't fucking look at me like that my Isabella, you know you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you. You loved it when I touched you and you want me to do it again but you fight it," he smiled devilishly. "I would do it again; however, I want you in _my bed _as _my wife_ with _my ring _on your finger the next time…" he bent down and pressed a tender kiss on my forehead that created a fleeting sensation in my body. It was a demure kiss but yet it sparked something hot inside of me. The desire made the pain my body felt, unbearable.

"I'll _persuade_ you with every fucking motive to be with me Isabella. But if you're coming back to me, you're coming back because you want to, and because you love me, and not because I forced you." He whispered into my ear. "So no I won't do that. Your life is too fucking precious for me to bargain with…" he stood up straight with a smirk as he noticed my labored breathing. "I'll be waiting for your answer Isabella. And please take care of yourself for me, if you die, I die too…" he said with a spark of emotion in his eyes as Charlie knocked on the door.

Edward opened the door, and exchanged angry glares with Charlie as they passed each other before he left. Charlie released a sigh and pulled a chair toward my bed before he sat down.

"I am going to have to get a restraining order to keep that man away from you," he said sternly, and I wasn't sure if I was to agree with him or not. Charlie wanted a restraining order for reasons known only to him; I wanted a restraining order from him getting into my heart. He had already done too much damage and I didn't want him to go for a second round.

"Dad he means no harm, he saved me today,"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Look Isabella, I'm worried." Charlie said.

"Dad, I'm fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with –"

"It's not you I'm worried about." He cut in and then his face softened as he noticed the distress and confusion etched on my face. "It's not that I'm not worried about you but I'm worried about Jake also."

"What happened to Jake?" I shifted on the bed and tried to get into a sitting position but stopped when I felt discomfort.

Charlie sighed and it was obvious that he didn't want to talk but he needed to. "I feel you're going to hurt him deeply and don't argue with me. I see the way you look at Edward and the way he looks at you. The protectiveness and possessive, cocksure attitude he has when he's around you. And he's not even the one who's engaged to you, yet he seems to have this control–"

"He certainly does not–"

"I'm not saying anything Bella, all I know is that there is a pull between you two and it's strong, and I don't know if Jacob can stand between it."

"What are you implying dad?"

"I just want you to be careful with what you're doing. Jacob is Billy's only son and the only thing that reminds him of his wife. Billy is my best friend. If you hurt Jake, you hurt us all. I do not want my years of friendship with Billy to be tarnished by some reunited long lost romance. Edward may love you, and I see that he does. Hell, he almost killed the guy that almost ran over you today. A couple of people had to tear him away before the guy's face was damaged. However, it does not change the fact that he left. He is untrustworthy and he can hurt you again. Jacob on the other hand, has not given you any reason not to trust him. He's a kind, respectable man. I do not want you to hurt him because he deserves none of it." Charlie finished in a tone that implied that the case was closed.

It was a warning for me to see my engagement through to the end. I didn't know if I should be worried that the wedding seemed to bear more of an importance to our families rather than us. Basically, if the wedding didn't hold, I wasn't only going to be breaking Jacob's heart, other people were involved. The whole pressure of it made me feel sicker in an instant.

***

I stood in front of the tall rise building before pulling in a deep breath and opening the door. I tried to make my mind focus on other things but I couldn't. I was distracted and really nervous at what was going to happen.

"Hello Miss Swan, you have an appointment for twelve-thirty pm," the blonde receptionist said to herself as she checked her registry. "You can go in now, he's waiting for you," she smiled and even that couldn't quell the anxiety that was devouring me at the moment.

I opened the door and was welcomed with a fresh scent and the cool air produced from the air conditioning.

"Hello Bella," Jasper's lips curved into a smile as he gestured for me to sit down. The sight of his glasses on his face made me feel a little less panicked. I never remembered him wearing glasses before so I wondered if it was a recent eye problem or what was just required of him for his job. "How are you today?"

"Fine," I replied, taking a seat on one of the chairs in front of his table.

"Oh no, please take the couch," he said as he brought out a black notebook from his drawers.

I shot him a confounded look before sitting down on the couch, occupying a very small space on the infinitely long brown colored upholstered furniture. Was I that damaged that he insisted on me lying down for therapy?

His office was very simple and it had a sense of comfort. He had three framed paintings with very vivid colors hanging on the wall. There was also an animal skinned center carpet adorning the floor between his table and the couch. The blinds were cream and light, allowing a filter of sunlight to crawl up into the room from the windows. He had a shelf filled with a lot of books, some medical and others that looked like psychology based books.

"So Bella," he turned his gaze to me and shut his sleek macbook. "I need you to lie down on the couch and don't worry I won't sexually harass you, just your thoughts," he smiled at his joke. "Make yourself feel comfortable and at ease and when you're done let me know,"

I had never been to a therapist's office before so I didn't really know what to expect. I obeyed and dropped my bag to the side of the sofa before lying down and facing upwards. "So…is this good?" I asked after a few minutes when I realized he wasn't responding.

"Yeah, perfect." He said. "The reason why I asked you to lie down is because well, Freud believed that if people sat down while they were being counseled, they never told the truth. It was easier to get into your thoughts without it being filtered when you were lying down as you are now." He said. It was typical of Jasper to always bring his studies into what he was doing, he enjoyed it. "Plus I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable, I know this must be hard for you to do especially when you know me," he chuckled, making the air round me feel lighter. "You may also close your eyes if you want to, rather than staring at my ceiling and noticing the small cracks," he teased.

I hadn't even noticed that there were cracks in his ceiling until he said it, and he laughed once he realized that I had seen them.

"How are you feeling now?" he asked.

"Slightly relaxed," I answered, closing my eyes and relishing in the softness of the cushion under my body.

"Good. So Bella, I'm going to ask you a few questions," I heard the turning of pages as he continued. "When was the last time you had sex?"

My eyes opened wide as saucers and were met with the ceiling and it's imperfections as I swallowed hard. The question was so direct and _out there_, and the thought that it was Jasper asking it was not helping.

I sucked in a deep breath and replied. "I can't remember actually,"

"Do you know why you can't remember?" he asked and I shook my head in response. "What happened the last time you tried to have sex?"

I could feel the blood rush all the way to my cheeks and tried to stop the smile of embarrassment that was threatening to spread across my lips. How the hell would I be able to tell him that the last time I tried to sleep with my fiancé, I was thinking of his friend? This was clearly the reason why you had to have a therapist who wasn't familiar with your life, but my broke bank account wouldn't let me do that.

"Bella, you have to trust me. We have a strict business relationship within this office. Whatever is said here won't leave the walls of this room. You're my client so I'm sworn to protect your secrets. I need you to tell me exactly what I ask you so I can help you," his calming voice of reassurance soothed my anxiety, and I closed my eyes and began to talk.

"I thought of my ex. I actually saw him on the bed for a few minutes before my mind came to its senses but then the mood was already killed." _Plus Alice called and said you were dying._

"I see and how did your fiancé feel about this?"

"He didn't know,"

"Okay. Bella, do you believe that sex is a relationship that expresses how two people feel about each other?"

"Yes,"

"So what would you say about your relationship between you and your fiancé as opposed to your ex?"

I let the question simmer down in my brain and process before I proceeded with a reply. I wasn't sure exactly what to tell him, he wanted me to me to tell him the difference between Edward and Jacob? I had never really compared those two in my head before and I didn't even want to. There was nothing to compare even. But he was asking about my relationships with them not them in particular.

"I would say the relationship between Ed – I mean, my ex and I, is very heated and filled with anger because he left me on a bad note and hasn't explained himself yet, plus I'm not ready to forgive him. While with my fiancé, we are okay because he has given me no reason to be angry." I said, knowing it wasn't the best answer but having a failure in expressing my thoughts vocally.

"Bella, what if I told you that sex was an instrument in determining what happens in a relationship. If things are not excelling in the emotional part, they couldn't exactly thrive in the physical aspect, would you agree with me?"

"I think so…"

"So would you say that things in the emotional state of your relationship are good? Do you feel strongly connected to him, _emotionally_? And be very truthful with yourself,"

I pondered on that question for a while before I answered. "No," I sighed. "I feel it has been slipping since the day Edward came back." My stomach churned in guilt at the revelation. It was hard to accept it, but it was the truth. Jacob and I hadn't really been emotionally stable as a couple together since Edward arrived. First there was the alcohol and then the slipping of his name which was rewarded with a break up in between. We were so focused on the things surrounded with Edward that we hadn't spent enough time together like we usually did before.

"That's really good Bella." Jasper complimented my honesty. It didn't feel as awkward as it felt in the beginning and it was probably because I couldn't see his face, so I couldn't see the disappointment or judgment if he had any, although the tone of his voice deflected none. "I think that you should take a sexual break from your fiancé, and try to connect with him emotionally. You guys should do something fun together, get that emotionally connection you once had, before you get physical. So no sexual contact, there can be a few kisses here and there but nothing too deep. Until you reach that level where you're both sure you're on the same page before you pour it into your physical relationship." Jasper said as I heard the shutting of his notebook with a clap. "You can come again next two weeks and tell me what you've achieved," he smiled as I sat up.

"Okay," I said. "Jasper can I ask you a question?"

"Sure go ahead," he cleaned the lens of his glasses before wearing it back.

"Wait, why are you wearing glasses?"

"I thought it helps in making me look really smart," he chuckled.

My face crumpled in skepticism but I shoved off the reply because I had another question to ask. "Do you really believe love lasts for only two years?"

He sighed and then removed his glasses. "Alice told you that?"

"I thought you said we were having a _strict business relationship_," I mocked.

"No, I don't but some psychologists do. It's a kind of theory that states when you're in love; you're not really in love, your dopamine levels just–"

"I don't want to know the biological process," I said, hoping he didn't start with the unnecessary explanation. "Why didn't you just tell her that you didn't believe it?"

"I thought this session was about you,"

"Just answer Mr. Whitlock,"

"I didn't tell her because I felt she's supposed to know. I have been with her for more than two years and I still look at her like the first day I did when I realized I loved her. She's supposed to be confident about that. I take _love _to be a very great emotion and a very strong word. It took a lot of time for me to profess it to her." He said, smiling at the memory. "It's difficult to love someone because it's risky. You're risking your heart and when you declare you love that person, your heart is no longer yours; it's now in your lover's hands. And he or she can do whatever they want with it. They could either use it against you or cherish it. So you trust them, in hopes that they do the latter.

"I didn't tell Alice because even if I do say it, she might listen to me today but somewhere in the long run, she'll have that doubt again. I can't just say it, I have to prove it. Especially since we live in a world where people just say it without meaning it,"

Jasper's words sank into my head as I related it to the state that Edward and I were in. He claimed he loved me, he always said it but his actions never proved it. If anything, his actions actually proved the opposite. You couldn't leave someone if you loved them? You wouldn't hurt them either. There was no way I could be able to understand that theory because it made absolutely no sense. If I were in his shoes, I would never even for a second, leave him. Never. It was forbidden for me to even think of it when were in a relationship. That was how much I loved him.

I thanked Jasper for his words of wisdom that had let me question some things in my life. I also thanked him for the therapy, and he encouraged me to make a return appointment in two weeks. I found this session really refreshing and insightful so I agreed.

I had the rest of the day off because I had taken permission for my therapy appointment. My boss thought it was psychiatric, so she quickly granted me permission, and I didn't correct her. So I was stuck being lackadaisical for the rest of the day. I called Alice but she didn't pick up so I opted to call Rosalie. Rose was apparently in a theatre watching people recite poetry. She didn't want me to know, but I could hear it from the background especially when the person was quoting Emily Bronte. She abruptly told me she was busy and she would call me back later if there wasn't an emergency. Jacob was at work and even though he wanted to take permission and spend the rest of the day with me, I refused. I didn't want to be the reason for him slacking at work.

I could have called my mother but I was in no mood for therapy session number two. So I cleaned my apartment and read a novel before attempting to call Alice again. Alice finally picked up and informed me that she had been in a yoga class when I called earlier.

My friends clearly had more interesting lives than I did.

Alice made me describe exactly how Jasper looked when I went to see him today. I rolled my eyes because I knew she was missing him even though she refused it. As I spoke to her, I recalled what Jasper said and a thought came to my mind. If I settled my predicament with Edward, then maybe the stress of it wouldn't be affecting my relationship with Jacob. If I convinced Edward to let me know the truth and whole mystery surrounding Jessica and her baby, then there would be less anger, forgiveness and I would have moved on because I knew.

It was a perfect plan. So I immediately asked Alice to give me Edward's address so I could go talk with him. Alice drilled me with a ton of questions and a few rules that included Edward standing ten footsteps away from me before giving me the location. I didn't even wait for her to finish talking before I cut the phone and went to get ready. It was late in the evening before I ventured on my journey to his place. I was hoping he'd be home by the time I got there.

Edward's condominium was in the heart of the city where everything usually happened. The streets were busy and the sidewalks were littered with people. I paid the cab driver as I got down. My heart began pounding against my ribs as I crossed to the left side of the road where his building was. I never really understood my reactions to the thoughts of him.

I noticed Edward and Tanya strolling toward the entrance. I also noticed she was wearing his leather jacket because he didn't have a jacket on. Why I noticed this, I wasn't sure. But I reasoned that since it was slightly chilly, he must have given her his jacket as a sign of chivalry. However, this reasoning didn't help quell the jealousy as I walked toward them. It was childish, I knew.

"Edward, I haven't met any of your friends, when are you officially going to introduce me? Or you're fucking ashamed of me?" she giggled. "I'm really hurt Edward," she said, as she reached to collect something from her pockets before she caught sight of me. She tapped Edward on the arm, causing him to turn to look at me.

"Isabella, what…what are you doing here?" He stared in bewilderment.

"I came to talk to you," I replied, clutching onto my jacket as the wind whipped around my face.

"Give me the keys," Tanya said as he placed them in her hands before she left.

"Do you want to go somewhere and have this _talk_?" he said, digging his hands into his pockets.

"I would very much rather prefer it if we spoke outside please," I replied. I didn't trust closed spaces with walls. I didn't want to feel trapped or overwhelmed by his presence. And since we were outside, he couldn't really seduce me.

"Okay," he said as he walked over around to the corner of the fountain at the middle of the entrance.

My mind marveled at how handsome he looked against the lights of the fountain. I wanted to take a mental picture and store it somewhere in my mind. Then I chastised myself for even going there.

"So why are you here Isabella, are you finally ready to accept my proposal? There's a lot more where that came from," a smug smile teased the corners of his lips and his eyes danced in amusement.

"Edward, do you love me?" I asked in a rush, twisting my fingers together.

A frown fell upon his face as his gaze hardened. "Why do you ask questions you already know the answers to?"

His response weaved a thread of frustration in me. "Why are you so damn complicated? It's a simple 'yes or no' question; you don't get extra points for elongating the sentences. Do you love me 'yes or no'?"

His eyes darkened. "You must really think that I fucking propose to women on a daily basis for you to ask me that question, Isabella. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't fucking be here in the first place."

I let the breeze surrounding me, calm me down. He always knew how to push my buttons. I needed to be calm because even as he angered me, he made me feel aroused for some reason.

"Remember how close we were when we were young?" I asked; folding my arms and I stared into his eyes, as a wave of nostalgia hit him. They were blazed with emotion, tenderness and a spice of regret which made me remorseful for even diving into the past. "You used to tell me _everything_. I could predict every little thing about you. You trusted me and I trusted you. But then you left, and it seemed like everything we had from the beginning was a _lie _because if you had a problem, you would have confided in me. I was your best friend for God's sakes.

"I know you're hiding something from me and I need to know what it is. Forget for a second that I was the girl you left at the altar, and think of me as the girl you built sandcastles for. Forget that you love me for a second and just confide in me," I pleaded.

"I can never fucking forget that I love you, not even for a split second…not even if I wanted to," he whispered deeply, and the words sent blood racing from my chest to my cheeks. I didn't know why it always made me feel happy when he said he loved me. Even after all these years, it still lit a fire inside me.

His gaze caressed my face tenderly and even at the heat of the moment, I felt like going to meet him, and attacking him with kisses. I immediately banished such thoughts from my mind.

"I want to believe you…" I trailed off as the memory bells rang in my head that he left me.

"But you don't…" he sighed, walking toward me. "Let me show you how strongly I feel about you…"

"No Edward," I moved away from him. I didn't want to be distracted and his presence was doing it effectively. "Tell me why you left,"

"I told you already."

"Tell me the truth Edward," I snapped as the images of Jessica contaminated my mind. If he was the father and he left to start another life with her, and he told me, I would find peace.

"And I have given you the fucking truth Isabella, I haven't lied to you. You just don't trust me." He said with indignation.

"How can I trust you? You left me on my wedding day!" I said in exasperation, the anger seeping through my bones. "I trusted you to make it; it was that simple, show up! But no, you had to be the ass that you are and do the opposite. You left me to suffer. I waited six years for you. Six freaking years for you to show up and you didn't. Now you come back, how the hell am I sure you won't do it again?"

"Isabella I won't fucking do it again. As much as I would like to give you some fucking assurance, I can't unless you give me another chance. I suffered right along with you. Yes, you had the bad end of the stick, but it was me who had to live with my fucking decisions,"

"You're ridiculous, God!" I exclaimed; the blood filling my body was boiling hot with fury. What did he know about suffering? He didn't have to tell a whole church that there was going to be no wedding.

"If you've made your choice, why do you fucking care what I have to say anyway?" he said so quietly that the sound seemed like that of a thunder.

"Because I need to know the truth!"

I waited to catch my breath before asking my next question. "Did you sleep with her?"

"Did I sleep with whom?"

"Jessica, did you ever cheat on me with her while we were together?"

"No," his jaw clenched and I could see him grinding his teeth in annoyance. "You must think I'm fucking stupid Isabella. Fuck, if I was cheating on you, do you really think I'd flaunt it for the whole of fucking Forks to see when they all knew we were engaged? Don't you think that's pretty fucked up? I slept with no one but you when I was with you. I was only yours when we were together,"

"So who was she?"

"I'm not sure."

"And the baby?"

His face morphed into an unfamiliar mask of hostility and his demeanor drained every ounce of emotion from his face. His expression sharpened like a knife and his stature emanated angry waves toward me. "Isabella, I've told you all you need to know," he said in a blunt tone.

I could have dropped the topic; it would have been a good idea because I was approaching dangerous territory. But the truth still seemed incomplete and I had come all this way to claim all of it. I needed to know everything so I provoked him. "You haven't told me why she was always with you and of that baby of hers,"

"I have told you that I didn't fuck her," he snapped and the darkness in his eyes let a shiver rack my body. "Isn't that what you wanted to know? Use whatever helps you sleep at night."

"How can you say that?" I gasped as the coldness of his voice froze my insides. "I gave you everything, my love, my heart, and you took them away from me, without giving anything in return. And you wouldn't give me a reason why you bashed them?"

"I don't give anything Isabella, it's what I do. _I take_. I take things from people without giving anything back in return. That's just the way I am," his words wrapped around me like a cocoon, suffocating and bruising my feelings. He was closing himself up, like a flower that had responded to stimuli. And for a moment I thought, what he was protecting had scarred him enough to make him so hostile.

No matter what, it didn't excuse the hard tone of his voice. He had always been soft with me and the idea that this woman, whom he hadn't slept with, could make him react toward me like that, stung me. I was too weak to press on; too weak to continue further. I was scared that he'd hurt me more if I challenged him, that he'd hurt me with the truth.

"Someone once told me that if you love someone, you shouldn't just say it, you should prove it." I said as the treacherous tears crawled down my cheeks. "I'm still marrying Jacob, Edward, that's what I wanted to tell you. You haven't proven yourself to me and he has done that a thousand times more." I said finally with my chin up before walking toward the road to get a taxi.

_**Edward**_

I watched her get into the white taxi and drive away from me. This time I wasn't the one driving away from her, she was the one leaving me. And I didn't follow her. I didn't want to follow her; just like the day I watched her break down in front of the chapel and didn't go to meet her.

I tried to block the images of the hurt on her beautiful face and replaced it with anger. I was fucking angry at her for making me suffer. She had no intentions of accepting my offer. She just came to spit it in my face and cause more pain. I was angry at her for making me hurt her. Most of all, I was angry at myself for being icy and harsh with her. I had made her cry countless times more than I could remember. I really fucking hated making her cry, and not being there to be the pillow to absorb her tears.

However, I didn't want her to tell her the damned truth so I became harsh so she'd leave it alone. After all, I had told her the main thing she wanted to hear.

When she had seeds of doubts planted in her mind during the period of our engagement, I had told her I fucking had nothing to do with Jessica sexually. It was okay for her to doubt me because I left, but time didn't change the truth. It hurt to know that she didn't trust me now, and maybe she didn't trust me then.

I couldn't understand her logic, I loved her. I fucking loved her with my soul, why the hell would she think that I would betray her? I had eyes only for her; no other woman was able to distract me when I had her. However, when we weren't together, that shit was a different case. And it had to be, because I wanted to be distracted, plus I was no longer devoted to her.

My mind flashed back to the conversation between Jess and I, few weeks before the wedding. The conversation that had caused this whole shit.

"_Jessica, what the fuck is the matter with you?" I barked at her as the rage in me tried to escape its cage like a wild fucking beast. I needed to control my goddamn temper. "You cannot use the money I give you and Eric on fucking coke! Have you bought the shit you were supposed to buy for him? What the fuck is wrong with you? This is the money I'm supposed to be spending on my goddamned wedding and you're blowing it on coke?" I banged my fists on the concrete table and she flinched as the noise hit her ears. _

"_I'm sorry Edward," she said softly as a pool of tears filled her eyes. "I didn't mean to…it's just that everything is so hard and I have no one. My parents have still refused to talk to me or give me money and James…James…" the sobs consumed her words and shook her whole form as she gasped for air._

_I didn't know what to do. I couldn't handle her and her stress anymore; it was sucking all my strength and energy. And I was fucking tired. But I couldn't abandon her, she had no one. She was my responsibility for now and I did promise to take care of her. I drove my fingers through my hair and cursed under my breath before moving to comfort her. _

_I felt her tears flood my shirt as she moved into my embrace. _

"_Look Jessica, I know you feel like you have no one. I can guess what that shit feels like. However, you still have Eric and he's going to leave you soon if you don't take care of him. You don't want him to fucking die, do you?" I asked softly and she shook her head. _

_I was so exhausted. I was supposed to have met Charlie and Isabella an hour ago for dinner. The man didn't like me and I was sure he was going to be fucking pissed off, but Jessica needed me so I had to stay. _

_Jessica's violent sobs slowly calmed down and I held her until I felt she was okay. Her hands gripped my shirt and she perked up to look at me. I stared into the depths of her eyes and saw a well of sadness in them. I really wanted her to be happy, she deserved none of this. _

_Before I could blink, her lips attacked mine and I felt her tongue plunge between them seeking a response. I was dazed for a couple of seconds as to why the fuck she was kissing me when she knew I was engaged. _

_I pushed her away from me gently and she must have seen the look of rejection in my eyes because she started crying again. "I'm so sorry Edward, I can't do anything right." She wailed. "I just needed comfort and you're the only person who's been there for me through all this…I don't know what came over me…I just…"_

_I motioned for her to stop talking and stood up looking for a distraction. "Where's Eric?" I asked; puzzled, since I hadn't seen him since I came._

"_I don't know…he was here a minute ago…" she said as she stood up and started searching for him…_

"Kate, I'm not fucking coming home. No, no and no. I'm not. I like it here. Jesus fucking Christ!" Tanya shouted into the phone as I opened the door of my apartment. "Look, I have to go. I have to go." She said and then cut the call.

"Harassing you again?" I asked as I plopped onto the sofa.

"Yes, for all that's fucking damned, I don't get why she can't let me be. I know she doesn't have children and all, but I'm her sister, she can't fucking treat me as her kid. It was sweet when mum was a drunkard and dad was so wrapped up in his business that he cared for no one but himself, it's not sweet now." She hissed and joined me on the chair.

"Do you know what she thinks?" she laughed after a moment. "She thinks that I left Canada to run to my lover's hometown. She said if you're not marrying me and not introducing me to your parents, then I should come back home with the next flight because our relationship is fucking inappropriate,"

I laughed. Kate never really liked me and I didn't give her much reason to. Actually, I didn't fucking care what she thought of me, but she loved her sister and I liked her for it. "She just loves you Tan,"

Tanya smiled and that fucking look of pity that I detested so much wiped her face. "How did it go?"

I reverted to the camouflage I wore so she wouldn't get emotional with me. "How do you fucking think it went? She wants to know,"

"Well, don't we all?" Tanya sighed, leaning back against the chair. "You should tell her; it might not be that big of a deal…it's not entirely your fault anyway…"

"Tanya, could we please not fucking go over this? It _is_ my fucking fault. Everything is and no I'm not just wallowing in self fucking pity, that's the fucked up truth. I'm not trying to be the hero here, I'm the fucking villain." I snapped. "I just don't want to fucking think. Can you not make me think Tan, think you can do that?" I blurted out in frustration and sighed really hated myself for going off on her.

She stayed quiet for a while before she spoke. "It's okay if you wanna cry Edward, adult men cry all the darned time, and if you do I won't think of you any less," she said and I rolled my eyes. "I know you Edward; you use your cold façade as a defense mechanism when something is hurting you. All that shit you're pulling now won't work with me. I know you in and out," she snapped her finger in my face to emphasize her point. I didn't know whether to laugh or retort back.

"Did you tell her about us?" she shifted slightly.

"No, she didn't ask about you," I replied, pushing my hair away from my eyes. "There's nothing to tell anyway,"

"I think there is Edward…if she knew how much you were abstaining yourself since you got here, she might add a few points to your score board, plus you'd be honest with her."

"Aren't you supposed to be having a fucking date or something?" I hissed in annoyance.

"Yeah, ten-pm, he's getting late from work." She replied, bringing out a bag of weed from under the chair. She brought out a sheet of paper and placed some weed in it, using a small stick to align it in a smooth line before rolling up a joint. "So what are you going to do now?"

"She wants me to show her that I love her, and that's exactly the shit I intend to do,"

"And how you do intend to accomplish this," she said, lighting up the roll.

"I'm going to support her and Jake being together. But I'm going to try and get to know her again and do whatever makes her happy,"

"And if she still chooses Jake?"

"Then I'll respect her decision, I can't fucking force her now can I? If he makes her happy, I'll leave." I gritted my teeth.

I tried to convince myself that that shit was the right thing to do. It didn't feel like it was, but I was going to at least fucking try, I owed her that much. But she had to prove to me she was happy first.

"Bullshit Edward….like the fuck you would. Edward Cullen, you can't even fucking stand the thought of both of them together. You're not going to be able to pull this shit off. You're not that selfless…"

"I didn't say it would be fucking easy," I hissed and collected the joint from her hand, taking a hit. "But I'm willing to try. She isn't going to come to me any other way,"

"Well, well, well, I can't wait to tell Charlotte. I think we should make a bet to see if you flop. Although it would be heartless to bet on your failure when we both know that if you don't succeed, you'd be fucked. Might even have to book another therapeutic session with Charlotte again, but I'm sure you don't mind. The wager would drive you to do it," her eyes twinkled.

"That's your fucking problem. I have a goal and I really don't give a shit about your bet. However, I _will_ prove you wrong because I want to do it for her." I said, placing my hands in my pockets and bringing out the small velvet black box containing the ring.

I opened it and look at the diamond. "I'll do anything to make her happy…" I said, but knew that this was going to be so fucking difficult.

It was hard for me to tone down my asshole behavior, and be understanding about her and Jacob, but I needed to do it for _her._

* * *

**Yeah, that's it. **

**Things you should know: I've never given sexual therapy before, that's not my specialty so you should definitely not take what Jasper says and apply it to RL. This is fiction and it just goes by what I write. I cannot reference the Freudian quote but he did say something like that about the sofa theory – however please don't quote me. **

**Edward and Tanya have a very interesting relationship, I was going to explain but I'll let you figure it out by yourselves. I left **_**huge**_** clues in this so some of you may already know what's going on. Any questions, visit me on the thread.**

**I want to thank my boss, Kuntrygal, for being a solid rock for me since I was a nervous wreck about this and for beta-ing this. Thanks to Lambie for being awesome. Thanks to the ladies who manage my thread and really make me happy with all their theories on Hot–Cabrónward (**_**you can google it**_**). Thanks to Heatherdawn for making a beautiful banner for me and Rose for the awesome blinkie, because let's face it; '**_**we all love to hate Cabrónward'. **_**Thanks to my fic wifey for the support. **

**And most of all, thanks to you guys for being so amazing to me with all the reviews/favs/alerts/recs/pms, everything. Each one puts a smile on my face. **

**So do you think Edward would succeed? Connect the dots and tell me what you come up with on why he left. I will be revealing piece by piece. **

**One last question for you awesome readers: Do you believe that love can exist separately without trust or they need each other?**

**Thank you for reading! :)**


	13. The Parallels between Past & Present

**A/N: Thank you _ALL_ SO much for still sticking with me, allowing me to drag you through the mud and reviewing this story. I'm extremely grateful. New readers, I hope you're enjoying the story. And the old ones who are still with me – thank you!**

**I want to thank my Managers – the ladies who keep me company on the Twilighted thread with their threats, thoughts, awesomeness and equipments used in kicking Edward's ass. **

**I want to thank my muse, Lambie, for being there and listening to me freak out. And also to my fic wifey for answering all my questions.**

**Lastly I want to thank my lovely boss, Kuntrygal, whom without, this whole thing would just be an imagination in my mind. **

**WARNING: Cabrónward is still kind of an ass….but you already knew that! It's going to take a while before he becomes….......nice. I recommend _Speaking a Dead language _by Joy Williams for this chap, if you like music. **

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The Parallels between the Past & the Present

Age 10

"_Isabella, you need to come to class. You can't sit out here all day," Edwards said sternly as he approached the swings. _

"_You can't tell me what to do. I'm not coming. Jeremy made fun of me and threw my whole lunch on the floor of the hallway and you saw him do it. And you saw me cry and you didn't do anything." I huffed; pushing my feet off the ground and making the swing go a bit higher. "You didn't even help me pick it up. You just looked at me and left. Some friend you are,"_

_He stayed silent for a while before he came over and stood in front of me. His hands fisted in his pockets and his school bag on his shoulder. _

"_You need to move or sand will be definitely flying inside your mouth and aunt Esme won't be happy about it."_

"_I'm not going anywhere, stop swinging!" he said in annoyance. _

"_Well, stay there. If I hurt your pretty face with my feet, don't blame me." I continued, pushing myself higher and higher on the swing, and enjoying the wind whipping through my hair. _

"_Isabella, I can't fight your battles for you. I'm not your boyfriend!"_

_I didn't look at him. His words made me very angry that I felt my cheeks go red because of it. "And I'm not asking you to be!"_

"_Good." He continued staring at me. _

_And after a while, he started, "I met this girl–"_

_I cut him off. "I don't want to hear it,"_

"_I think she's pretty–"_

"_Edward, get out of my way or I'll be kicking you very soon." I started singing 'la la la' very loud in order to ignore him. _

"_And she's angry with me right now; I don't know how to make it up to her. What should I do?" he shouted, trying to drown my voice. _

"_You're not my friend anymore; I can't tell you what to do." _

"_Fine! Stay here and get mad at me all day, I'm leaving!" he yelled, and then started running away from the school building. _

_I couldn't understand why he was going the other way, when we clearly had class and school wasn't over. But I was too angry to care. _

_When I finally made it back to class, Edward never returned and Jeremy was absent also. Mrs. Baker said Edward was being punished for behaving __improperly__ on school premises. She also said that Jeremy wasn't feeling too well, and that maybe he might have caught a flu, but I knew what happened. _

_After school, I told mummy to take me to see him. Aunt Esme said that I couldn't see him because he wasn't allowed to have visitors because he was grounded. So I wrote him a note and slipped it under his room door. _

_The note said: _I think you should hug her and make up, only after buying her ice scream and candy first – your best friend, B.

Age 20

"_Bella, come downstairs, he's waiting for you. You know he can't come upstairs, we have rules in this house young lady!" Renee shouted in frustration and I suddenly wished I had locked my room door just so I could pretend to ignore her. Besides I was twenty and engaged, I was above rules. _

"_If he can't come upstairs then send him away!" I replied as I lay down on my side, turning to face the window. _

_I watched the drops of rain cling to the planes of the window as the moon illuminated the corner of my bedroom. The wind fought against the window, causing it to rattle in response. The atmosphere was cool and calm. And that's what I needed after the thunderstorm that had happened at my father's place between him and my fiancé. I just couldn't fathom why they couldn't act like two consenting adults whenever it came to cases involving me. Antagonistic words would be thrown in the air, leaving me between both of them like I was on a warpath, separating two countries ready to terrorize each other. It was draining and I was tired of their childishness. _

"_You know I'm a little concerned about this…" he tapped the door lightly, alerting me of his presence._

"_I mean, we haven't even married yet and you already don't want to see my face. I'm fucking hurt." I rolled my eyes and focused on the moon as he walked over to sit on my bed. "I had to dazzle your mum so she'd let me up," I clutched the pillow tighter as I felt the depression of the mattress due to his weight. "You're hiding from me?" his lips grazed the curve of my ear. "You do know that you're gonna have to see my face every fucking day till death do us part, for the rest of forever?" he whispered._

_He was trying to act smart, it wasn't working._

"_You're angry with me," he sighed as I continued to take interest in the way lightening struck outside my window. "The silent treatment huh? You know I hate it when you're quiet," he groaned and placed his cold wet fingers on my back. I could smell the fresh scent of rain on him, along with something else. "I'll do anything just don't fucking __ignore __me, please. I hate it when I don't know what you're thinking." He traced lines slightly above my waist. _

"_I'm mad at you," I said simply, still refusing to look at him. I couldn't look into those apologetic green eyes that made my blood rush. His pleading voice was already tempting me to succumb and forgive him and I needed to be angry. _

"_I know and I'm so fucking sorry," he said, placing a kiss on the side of my neck. "Will you forgive me?"_

_I kept quiet and shifted away from his caresses, they were clouding my judgment. _

_When I didn't reply, he said, "I met this woman; I think she's very beautiful. Hell she's fucking sexy when she's mad at me, and shouting and yelling. But it hurts me when she's quiet. I can't stand the silent angry type, because it's harder to seduce her. _

"_She seems to have this….control over me. I think it's because I'm ridiculously in love with her. However, this whole romantic words spilling shit isn't working, since my words seem to be entering one ear, and coming out the other. What can I do to get her to talk to me?"_

_I smiled and rolled my eyes at his antics, it always worked like a charm. "We're not ten anymore, Edward." _

"_I know we're not ten, but I still need your advice. And I believe that you're my fucking best friend, so tell me what to do. Can you talk to her for me?" he pressed a kiss on my lower back. "Tell me how to make it right…please?"_

"_First of all, you would stop kissing me and apologize properly," I replied breathlessly. _

"_Who told you I was talking about you?" he chuckled and I turned to look at him. _

"_Get off me," I shoved him away from my body playfully and smacked him with my pillow. He grabbed my legs and drew me closer to him, hovering over my form. He lowered his lips to mine but I turned away. "You can't kiss me, I'm still mad. You have to promise to stop provoking Charlie. He is my father you know, I might not care for his opinion about us but he needs to think I consider it because I love him," _

_He rolled his eyes and then reluctantly said, "I, Edward Cullen, solemnly swear to stop provoking Charlie because of my undying love for his daughter. Can I fucking kiss my fiancée now?" I smiled and my lips parted in response to the sweetness of his._

*******

I woke up panting and sweating profusely as my hands gripped the sheets underneath me. It was dark and probably either very late in the night, or too early in the morning. I held my chest as I tried to steady my breathing. After a while, I removed the covers away from my body and walked to the bathroom to wash my face. I looked like a wreck as I stared at the mirror in front of me. My hair was standing in different directions and my makeup was smudged all over my face. I could pass for a walking corpse. I splashed water onto my face furiously as if I could remove the remnants of my nightmare away. It had been a long time since I had a dream about being lost.

I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. I drank every drop greedily and looked at the clock. The time read 4:30am – which meant I had a few hours before my appointment.

Things about the wedding had become more real this week. We were getting a house and a wedding planner soon, and Jake wanted us to pick a date for the wedding. We had to start thinking about the various themes our wedding was going to be surrounded in. And the whole thought process was exhausting and a little overwhelming. All I wanted to do was get someone who could handle it all, tell me when to show up, and then I'd dress and appear at the aisle. We'd say the I do's, and then it would be over. But I had to involve myself in the preparations, because let's face it, it was my wedding. I had to be as enthusiastic about it as Jacob was. I just wasn't that excited because I had done all these things before. And really, the second time did not make it any easier; it was just as worse as the first. Maybe even more pathetic when one thought about it.

I had cleared my schedule today mainly because of my appointment with Jasper which was now replaced with Alice. Jake and I were finally going to check houses and I wasn't really eager about that either. House hunting was just as stressful as clothes shopping. In fact, I believed that anything that involved looking at prices and trying to make a purchase was hectic and depressing.

When the phone rang at twelve – thirty pm and I quickly rushed to answer it, thinking it was Alice or Jake since both of them claimed to be here by noon. And also, because watching _Days of our lives _was just downright depressing. When were they ever going to end that show?

"_Bella, Bella,"_ Renee's voice called at the other end of the line as I sighed and collapsed into the chair beside me. _"How are you? Why haven't you called me? I carried you for nine months while Charlie was just drinking beer and going to shoot people in that his stupid cop outfit. How come you have planned a date with him and not me? You don't even talk to me anymore…what is the matter?"_

I grimaced at the thought of having an actual _date with my father_. "Mom, could you please not say that? It totally kills my sexual appetite," _If I have one._ "There's nothing wrong. I was going to call you; I have just been caught up with so many things lately,"

"_Like what honey? I can help you with those things; that is what I'm here for. You were–"_

"Mum, Jake and I have been trying to set a date for the wedding. I just wanted to confirm it first before calling you,"

"_Then why didn't you say so?"_ she asked, excitement emanating from her words. _"Have you finally decided?"_

"No. We're still thinking about it. We are supposed to look at houses today but they haven't_–_" I got interrupted as Jacob entered the apartment, looking sexy in his blue jeans and brown buttoned shirt.

"Mum, listen I gotta go. I'll call you later, ok? Bye!" I dropped the phone and rushed to meet him at the door.

He wrapped his hands around my waist as his mouth ravished mine. His tongue plundered into my mouth and entangled with mine. His hands moved slowly across my back, slightly brushing the strap of my bra. I could feel his arousal pinning into my stomach through his jeans, and I quickly withdrew myself from his embrace. I didn't want to get him all started up for nothing, Jasper said we should take things slow.

"I got something for you," he said as something in his eyes twinkled and I narrowed mine in suspicion.

"Jacob Black?" I arched a brow, my hands still wrapped around his neck, while his were securely circling my waist.

"It's just a little something, not a big deal." his lips curved into a smile and color brightened my cheeks.

"You can't bribe your way into marrying me, Mr. Black,"

"I'm not bribing you Ms. Swan. It is the duty of a man to provide for his wife, I'm simply showing you that I can. I have passed that section, right?" he smiled as Alice interrupted us with a loud knock.

"Look, you two rabbits, I ain't got all fucking day. Do you know that each second I spend doing nothing, money goes? Would you pay me for the past ten minutes I've stood outside in the fucking cold, waiting for you?" her tiny voice shouted from the other side of the door as Jake planted a kiss under my earlobe.

"Why does she always interrupt? Is she getting laid?" Jacob whispered, and I chuckled as I pulled him from the door and opened it for Alice.

"You know Alice; it is always good to just knock rather than act like a cave woman. The neighbors might actually think you're psychotic and they might call the cops." I said calmly as she walked inside.

"Like I give a shit, let's go. We have so many appointments and we're fucking late," she hissed as I grabbed my purse from the table, and we all made our way to the elevator. "Have you told her?"

"Yep, but she doesn't know what it's about yet." Jake answered, watching the numbers on the elevator screen decline as we passed each floor. I looked at him in confusion but he just kissed our joined hands and assured me I'll know when we get there, wherever_ there_ was.

"So who's driving?" Alice asked; a little too keyed up for my liking, as we approached the parking lot of the building. "I should drive,"

"I don't think that's necessary Alice, Bella should." He winked at me as we walked toward his car.

"What?" I asked, feeling completely puzzled and out of the loop. They were both hiding something.

"Well, okay, you're right she totally should," Alice said with a sneaky smile, facing me while walking backwards. I was almost afraid she was going to hit something.

"'Cause this is yours," Jacob finished, placing a key in my palm and nudging me in the direction of a small shiny blue car.

I blinked back in surprise and looked back at the key in my hand, before turning to Jacob. "Are you serious?" I stared at the car again. "I can't believe you…" I looked back at him.

"Now, I know you don't know much about cars B, so I'll fill you in. This is a very sexy Honda Accord – Coupe. It can only accommodate two people, has an engine horse power of_–_" Alice prattled on.

"I don't think she needs to know the exact details Al, but thank you. You should seriously consider advertising in another life," he said, turning to me with a cute smile. "Do you like it?"

Did I like it? Was he serious? I didn't know what to say. I was in so much shock that it left me speechless. This was the thing that _wasn't_ a big deal? _I mean, he got me a freaking car!_ Usually his gifts were small, but this was big and huge and probably very expensive. And we still had to get a house and plan a wedding. A car just seemed so much right now.

I thought my eyes were going to start bleeding soon if I didn't peel them away from the car. Moreover, Jacob was still waiting for my approval. He seemed a little disappointed and I guessed I probably didn't give off the _Yay! I have a car excitement _vibe.

"I don't know what to say. I love it," I said honestly, and the smile I was waiting for graced his lips.

"Thank you, truly, but this is_–_"

"I think you've said what he needed to hear which was the – thank you – part, now just fucking accept it already and stop worrying." Alice pitched in, smacking my arm, before leaving us to have some privacy.

"Jake…" I started, but he stopped me from talking by placing a chaste kiss on my lips.

"Could you please just accept the damn gift?" he asked. "Look, I know it seems like a lot, but we're getting married soon, and you almost had an accident a couple of weeks ago. Now if you weren't crossing the road, that wouldn't have happened."

"And you think that I won't have an accident by driving a car? Have you seen how clumsy I am? I'll be creating car crashes all over Forks,"

"Yeah, you're totally right. I probably didn't think that through," he said as he pondered a bit. "But I think my future wife needs a car so you're taking it and that's final." He smiled and kissed me again.

"I love you,"

"I love you too J, thank you, but please no more surprises until we're married. Then you can do whatever you want with me,"

"Deal," he smiled and then, we joined Alice in his car before we left.

***

"So yeah, what do you guys think?" Alice asked; standing with her hands on her hips in the center of an open space that I believed was the living room.

We had spent four hours looking at a bunch of houses and apartments, and had come up with nothing that looked remotely comfortable or suitable for the both of us. Some were really too small and overpriced. Some were quite far from Jacob's office and didn't look worth the stress. Some just didn't feel right. One was furnished and yet, it had a sofa that was supposed to be white but appeared brown with a big bed in the middle of the living room. Or at least, what I thought was the living room. And the only place we both really liked was taken after we had decided to make an offer.

Basically, today was rough and all the houses sucked. House hunting was as tiresome as I predicted it would be.

We were currently standing in a three bedroom flat which was unfurnished and looked like it needed work to make it look decent. The white walls needed painting; there were black marks decorating the end of it. The kitchen was quite small but manageable, and the bedroom was big and facing another apartment building. Without any furniture, it looked bare and cold and abandoned.

"Well…" Jacob looked at me for the decision. "What do you think?"

"I _think _we should think about it," I nodded as I saw something fall from the roof to the ground through the window behind Alice. We rushed to see a chunk of wood lying flat on the ground. "Was that from the roof?" I asked in mortification.

They both kept quiet as we shuffled out of the house before it collapsed on our heads.

"You know it's almost winter season and Christmas is coming soon, all the good places are either sold or rented." Alice tried to console us from the backseat, looking at a bunch of papers in her hand and crossing some houses off the list. "I have a few left, but they are pretty expensive and quite far. There's one that came up recently on the system a week ago or so. It's about thirty minutes from the main city. Wanna check it out?" she looked at both of us. "It's new on the market,"

"Well, I guess it won't hurt," I shrugged. "That's like almost on the outskirts of Forks?"

"Yeah, like ten to fifteen minutes away from Rosalie's house, we could even stop by and say hi,"

"Those houses are really expensive Al," I placed my elbow on the hand rest of the car.

"Yeah, they usually refer to the people who live there as snobs. It's kinda like a rich people's estate or something," Alice dropped her pen and the papers she was holding on her lap.

"Wonder what Rose thinks about that," I laughed as Jacob sped off into the highway.

Jacob placed a CD in the car for us to listen to while driving. As music filled the silence in the air, Alice made a suggestion of picking song choices for our wedding dance since we hadn't thought of any yet.

"I think _'Take My Breath Away'_ by Berlin is a good idea," Alice said, while Jake refused by shaking his head constantly. "What? It's a good fucking song. Reminds me of that movie with Tom Cruise, _Top Gun,_ where he was hot and young, and when he kisses her….oh that fucking amazing kiss," she almost moaned.

"Alice, I love you and you know I do, but seriously you need to get back with Jasper," I replied as Jacob chuckled while she flipped us the bird. She was dying on the inside to talk to him but completely ignoring him on the outside, it was becoming ridiculous.

"Oh, I have the perfect one! _Lady in Red_ by Chris de Burgh, sexy, sexy song," Alice continued while Jacob shook his head again.

"Nope," he said.

"And why not? I think that's a very romantic song, it's pretty sweet," I could recall me and Edward dancing to it during prom. Ironically, I was wearing a red dress.

_Ok, so maybe it wasn't the perfect song. But when he sang it in my ears along with the background music that lovely night, I had butterflies. _

"Didn't he leave his wife for someone else? I know he had an affair with his babysitter," Jacob asked, cutting through my thoughts.

_Ah, the parallels between Chris de Burgh and Edward Cullen._

"Besides you're going to be in white and not red, song doesn't fit. We're not jinxing this wedding,"

Alice rolled her eyes and continued. "_Move closer _by Phyllis Nelson, you can make love to that song on your wedding night, just saying." she shrugged and then winked. I couldn't stop my cheeks from exploding at the thought. "Maybe we should move to the nineties. _I don't wanna miss a thing _by Aerosmith?" she leaned closer to the front seats like a kid trying to get attention from the parents in a car.

"_I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep cause I miss you baby. And I don't wanna miss a thing._" Alice sang into my ear and I recoiled away from her, giggling. _"I could stay awake just to heaaaaar you breathing; watch you smile you are sleeping…"_

"Okay first of all," Jacob patted the steering wheel. "Bella, I cannot stay awake to hear you breathing, that's just really creepy, just so you know who you're marrying. Alice, thank you for your music suggestions, I'll be sure to ask you before the wedding. As it is, we haven't even picked a date yet. Oh we're here. It's 128, right?" Jacob asked as Alice fell back and checked her papers to crosscheck the address.

"Yup, we are here," she said as Jacob stopped the car, directly in front of the huge black gate. It had a pink withered ribbon wrapped around it, and a huge red bow in the middle.

We all got down and shut the doors of the car simultaneously, staring at the mansion in front of us.

"Um, wow?" I said, shielding my eyes away from the bright sun with my arm and squinting at the house standing at a distance. "Why is there a bow wrapped around the gate? Is this the way they normally sell houses in this area, with bows?" I turned to Alice, who just shrugged and walked through the smaller gate into the compound.

"I heard the owner bought it as a gift for his wife a few years ago, but I guess they never made it here since they separated." Alice said as the gate closed behind us with a creaky noise. "I guess the cleaners didn't grease the gate either,"

"Cleaners?" I asked, befuddled and fascinated, as we all stood in a horizontal line, stunned by the gorgeous three to six thousand square foot house in front of us.

"Yeah, the cleaners come every month to clean it," she replied, as we started walking along the path to the entrance.

Green carpet grass decorated the two sides of the pathway to the main entrance. Four cream pillars stood directly in front of the house with small flowers surrounding them.

"Wow, I can't believe no one lives here," Jacob said.

The place was so quiet, as Alice got out the keys from her bag and opened the door. "Well, here it is, home sweet home." She flicked on the lights.

We were greeted with a fresh scent of lavender and clean black tiles. A huge flower pot filled with a bunch of artificial flowers sat comfortably close to the door.

"So this is a six bedroom house including the master bedroom. Has three bedrooms upstairs, the remaining two are down, a kitchen, a dining room, a waiting room, an indoor pool and a patio." She called all the items on her list as I walked down the small steps further into a small room which I assumed was the waiting room. "It is fully furnished," She said as I spotted three black sofas sitting in a triangle. The carpets were literally joined to the sofa and cascaded on to the floor. That was one of the most unusual sofas I had ever seen in my entire life. I stared back at Alice with a raised brow. "Hey don't look at me, I'm just the agent, I don't deal with furniture," she replied as we walked toward the living room. "I heard each room in this house has a name, I don't know why though. But apparently, this was called the _Virginal _room," Alice whispered, as if we were in a museum and she was telling a tale about an artifact.

The living room had a fifty inch flat screen Samsung plasma TV hanging on the middle of the wall that made Jacob whistle. The red and white expensive – looking leather couches occupied half of the room and a red Persian rug took the role as a center carpet. Red Chinese lamps hung at the corners of the room with other flower pots.

"Wonder what's so virginal about this," I murmured to myself as Alice led us to the curved staircase.

We climbed upstairs and went straight to the master bedroom. "This is called the _Pleasure _room," she snickered as she opened the door, and all of us stood, staring at it like someone was giving birth inside.

The room was huge, and I mean, bigger than my whole apartment. It had a glass wall at the end, opposite the door that allowed sunlight to pass through. The rest of the walls surrounding the room were painted red with a huge king sized bed sitting at the middle. A painting was hung on top of it. A dresser with an oval wooden mirror was at the other side of the bed, closer to the door.

I walked toward the glass wall and I could see the trees of the forest, along with other houses from where I stood. The view was so beautiful, and I could just have stared at it all day.

Jacob wrapped his arms around my waist and placed his chin on my shoulder. "The pleasure room…wonder what kind of pleasure he was planning to give his wife in here,"

"J," I giggled and joined Alice to look at the master bathroom. It had a white wide tub which could definitely accommodate two adult people in it. Jake had a few ideas on what could happen in there. Everywhere seemed clean and spotless.

Alice showed us the rest of the house; the second living room aka the _family _room was upstairs, almost had the same setting as Rosalie's house. The other rooms weren't really furnished but looked comfortable enough. She showed us the kitchen which had a green concrete counter table and polished brown cupboards filled with kitchen accessories.

We walked to the back of the house and found out it had a small garden. The ground was littered with dried leaves and flowers. But there was definitely a sign of gardening, because some of the lilies blossomed.

"This is _Eden_," Alice smiled as she bent down to smell the flowers on her left.

I couldn't exactly place why that name sounded so familiar. "Eden?" I asked, as if Alice could sort out the confusion brewing in my brain.

"Yeah, like the garden of Eden, isn't it beautiful?" she plucked a stem of a lily.

"Yeah," I replied, and decided to stop trying to figure out where exactly I had heard that name from, apart from the bible.

"You okay sugar?" Jake asked, slipping his fingers through mine while I nodded.

_Eden…_

Jacob, Alice and I went back into the house and into the waiting room to discuss if we were going to take it. This was the best house we had seen so far, and even though I thought nothing could have been better, I wanted us to look at more places.

"So what do you think?" Jacob asked, sitting down on the strange carpet – joined sofas.

"I think it's beautiful but it's a bit too much,"

Surely, something as amazing as this must have cost a fortune.

"Good doesn't come cheap my fellow friends, the house is valued to be over two million but owner's selling it for 1.2." Alice added.

Jacob's eyes grew and expanded to that of wide dish plates as he drank in that piece of information. Suddenly, he looked very pale and almost like he was about to have a stroke.

"J, baby, are you alright?" I rushed to his side, rubbing soothing circles on his back. "It's okay baby, breathe…we don't have to take it. I like it but it's too over the top," I said calmly as he looked at me.

"Perhaps it's haunted," he said after a while.

Alice and I looked skeptically, wondering if that one minute of anxiety had screwed with his head.

"Jake, you can't possibly be serious," Alice laughed.

_Men definitely had a weird defense mechanism of dealing with things that were expensive. _

"No seriously, let's think about this." He said, standing up and looking at us like a professor about to give a lecture. "A man buys this amazing house for his wife, and they never make it here. It's cursed. Who names their rooms? Like seriously? That could be the only plausible explanation,"

I folded my arms and stared into his eyes to be sure he wasn't on something. He wasn't one to do drugs.

"Alright, I'm kidding but it's scary." He laughed. "Alice, see if he'll reduce the price a little bit,"

Alice nodded while I tried to argue with both of them that we didn't need it. Alice just walked away, punching numbers in her cell phone and making a call.

***

I didn't really care for the house. Sure, it was nice to feast your eyes on something beautiful after seeing a series of disasters, but this was too extravagant. It was huge and really, Jake and I didn't need six bedrooms for anything. Except of course, his dad was coming to live with us, which I hoped not.

I sat in Alice's office as her secretary came in to tell us that the owner and his agent had arrived. Alice told them to come in, while I looked at Jake, wondering why this was so important to him, when he clearly couldn't afford it at this time. He explained that for a man, getting your first house was like having your first girlfriend or your first car. It was memorable, and the house would mark the beginning of a new life, plus he really wanted me to have this. I really didn't see the correlation between a car, a house and a girl, but I agreed. He kept reassuring me that it was a mortgage and we could pay it over the years. I wasn't keen on it but if this was what he wanted, then I had to just go along with it. We were getting married after all, what made him happy made me happy…

"You've got to be friggin' kidding me," I almost screamed and fell off my chair as I saw the owner and the red haired woman accompanying him.

_Why was the universe always tying me to do this man? _I felt like we were Siamese twins, no surgery could separate.

Jacob sighed and leaned his chin on the back of his hand.

"You're the owner?" I asked, hoping this was all part of the nightmare I had not woken up from, preferably the one I had this morning.

"Hello _Isabella_," The all – too familiar velvet voice that crushed me every time he spoke, said.

"Well, I guess I was right. The house _is _haunted, by Edward Cullen," Jacob muttered.

I wanted to dig a grave and then bury myself with a tomb stone that stated _killed by Edward Cullen_. I looked at Alice, wondering if she had anything to do with this but her face reflected the same shock plastered on mine.

"Victoria," she said through gritted teeth. Victoria, the red haired woman I assumed, greeted Alice with a devilish smile. I didn't know how Alice knew her but I couldn't deal with that now as I stared at the beautiful devil standing in front of me with his clean suit, looking like he had just popped out of a runway or a Vanity Fair magazine.

"Alice, I'm terribly sorry for wasting your time but we are not taking this house," I said austerely, grabbing my purse. I didn't want the house in the first place, so this just suited me perfectly.

"Isabella, don't be cruel like that. I left my fucking meeting to see you," Edward said with strict green eyes that ordered me not to move an inch.

_Did he know I was looking for a house? He was the owner the so – called owner who built a house for his…_

"Wait, your wife?" I asked in perplexity. "The house was for your wife? Which wife? And now you're separated? With you, the secrets just don't give up do they?"

"The house was for you," he said sharply, holding the end of his tie as he took a seat. "It was built as a wedding gift for you. It was a surprise package supposed to be opened on the day of our…anyway, I just used the whole married – wife – shit as a cover. Funny that you want to buy it now,"

"You're so incredibly…ridiculous, it's almost insane!" I said in exasperation. "So now, because you knew I was looking for a house, you put it on the market?"

"Isabella, this has nothing to do with you. I didn't even know you were looking for a house. You're getting married; I simply saw no use for it anymore. It has been sitting there for years, doing nothing. I just put it on the market two weeks ago; this is entirely for my benefit,"

I huffed and clutched my purse to my chest. I should have known it was him. _Eden_ sounded pretty familiar. And also the profligate taste the house had should have confirmed it. The house had Edward Cullen written all over it. He always did things a little too over the top. He was an architect after all, always constructing and calculating perfection.

Maybe that's why he never married me because I wasn't part of the _plan_. So he couldn't finish it.

"I see…you're always surrounded by women," I said contemptuously, trying not to look at Victoria who sat _so_ comfortably by his side.

"I was told women did things a whole fucking lot better than men, or isn't that true anymore?" he raised a brow with a smirk that I wanted to slap off his face.

"Jacob Black, I'm sorry that we haven't been properly introduced, forgive me for the last time we met." He stood up and stretched out his hand to shake Jacob's own. "I'm Edward Cullen, the crazy ex who's still fucking madly in love with your fiancé," My jaw dropped in response to his declaration as he flashed me a crooked smile. _Who the hell says that?_

"Unfortunately for me, she has chosen you, so congrats," he turned his attention back to Jacob who had an incredulous expression on his face. "I know we've met at unfortunate times, but I do hope we get over the past and be friends," he said as they both took their seats.

I eyed him suspiciously, wondering what the hell was going on with him. _Friends? Seriously? _He looked like he had something up his sleeve and I wanted to get to the bottom of it.

"He's quite the charmer, isn't he?" Jacob whispered sardonically, shifting his chair closer to mine.

"So you want to buy the house?" he said, opening the file in front of him. "I would be glad to offer you at a discount, you could take it as an early wedding gift from me," he smiled.

Jacob glanced at me before looking back to Edward. "Um, thank you for the offer but we won't be accepting it. Perhaps you could donate it to charity," Jacob smiled cynically.

Edward clenched his jaw for almost a second that I was so sure I imagined it, before pulling up a smile.

"Why? I hope I haven't offended you. I am just trying to make amends,"

_Amends…_ the last word rang like a bell.

"Amends?" My eyes widened in disbelief. "You want to make _amends_ by giving us a discount for a house? You think this would cover all the pain, tears and embarrassment you put me through? Really?" I blurted out impetuously, completely forgetting where I was and whom I was with.

Everyone else had disappeared. I only saw him, the anger at his rejection to tell me the truth the last time we had spoken and the surprise house, he had kept for me.

"That's not how I meant it Isabella," he said, the smile vanished from his face and left traces of pain. "Please, can we talk in private?"

I took a moment to gather my thoughts and remembered that Jacob was in the room, and so was everyone else. "I believe if you have something to say, you can say it in front of _my fiancé_ and my best friend," I snapped, looking at Victoria.

He sighed, closing his file. "I'm sorry. This is clearly a fucking mistake. I understand," he stood up briskly. "I hope you guys find a better house, Vic, let's go."

***

I hugged my pillow tightly, as my phone kept blinking. I knew it was Alice, calling and leaving messages, trying to apologize for what happened today. But I was exhausted, and all I wanted to do was sleep and just hope everything would disappear. Jacob had to sleep at his apartment today because he had work tomorrow, so I was _alone_ in bed. I was physically and emotionally tired and I needed some comfort.

My mind wandered to the events that happened today. To the house that Edward had built and kept a secret. How the hell did no one know about it? Or maybe it was just me, but Alice seemed genuinely surprised. And why didn't he sell it since? Why was he selling it now? What did this mean? He was too difficult for me to figure out.

My thoughts were interrupted by a loud knock on the door. I pressed the pillow on top of my face, hoping to drown the noise and just wishing the person would go away. Unfortunately, the knocking only became worse, and I just assumed it was Alice since she had been calling persistently. That woman couldn't take no for an answer. I grumbled as I got out of bed and threw on my blue, comfy house robe and wore my bedroom slippers.

"I'm coming!" I shouted, raking my hair with my hand as I hurried toward the door. "Alice, please I just really want to sleep. I have work tomorrow," I opened the door and my eyes met Edward's vibrant green ones, and his teeth piercing into his pink lips which were twisting into a sexy smirk. Smirking was so natural for him, I wondered if it was one of his traits, like running his hands through his hair. "Not you again!" I exclaimed, before swinging the door shut.

He pressed his hands against the door, preventing it from closing and pushing it open. I was too tired to even struggle with him.

"Please can you just leave me alone?" I pleaded, almost crying in frustration as I felt extremely exhausted.

"We're going out," He said, pushing his hair from his face. His eyes drifted down the length of my body. "Fuck…I think you should change," He gulped loudly. "Not that I don't think you're fucking sexy in that because you are but the outfit wouldn't be appropriate for where we're go–" he rambled.

"I'm not going anywhere with you," I snapped, tying the straps of my robe and restricting his view.

"That could have been an answer except I don't remember giving you a fucking choice." He said brusquely.

"I'm so not ready for you tonight Edward. Seriously, please leave," I tried shutting the door but his hand was still resting firmly on it.

"I did inform you nicely," he warned. "But you're just so fucking stubborn, so…"

Before I could blink twice, he had placed his hands around my waist, lifted me up and placed me on top of his shoulder like a sac. _Did he think I was a child?_

"Put me down!" I shouted and struggled to get down as he shut my door. "Put me down now, Edward Cullen. This is so not funny!" I screamed as he started walking down the hallway. "If you don't put me down, I'm going to start screaming and my neighbors will call the cops,"

"Don't struggle with me Isabella," he hissed and turned me over, so he was carrying me with his hands. "Damn, you're heavy." He said, as he got into the elevator.

"So help me God, Edward I am going to frigging kill you, if you don't let me go." I tried slapping his face as he used his knee to press the number for the elevator but his hands were holding me tightly.

"Look, if you don't stop struggling, I'm going to have to kiss you," his words immediately diverted my eyes to his lips which were being caressed slowly by his tongue in such a mesmerizing way.

I was so tired, that the energy I was using to struggle was weighing me down. Finally, I gave up and just allowed him to carry me to wherever he was going. The elevator chimed as we got to the ground floor.

"Laura! Laura, please if you see my fiancé, could you tell him I've been kidnapped? Please!" I shouted to the concierge.

"Laura, if you see her fiancé, tell him I'm borrowing her for a couple of hours," he said, carrying me out of the reception.

I shivered as we entered the cool breeze outside. One of my slippers slid from my foot and I punched Edward to pick it up but he just ignored me. He opened the door of his car and practically threw me in the front seat. He shut the door and locked it before running to get my falling slipper.

I felt like Cinderella for a few seconds with him picking up my slipper and bringing it back to me. Except that once he was in the car, he threw the slipper on the floor of my seat and started the car, instead of kissing my feet and placing it back on.

Edward Cullen was certainly no prince charming.

"What the hell happened to chivalry?"

"I remember the last time I did that; you said you weren't handicapped," he replied, causing me to roll my eyes.

"What are you doing?" I asked as he strapped his seatbelt on.

"I'm taking you out. I have a problem that I need your help with," he said, driving out into the main street. "I did something incredibly fucking stupid and I need you to tell me how to fix it," he glanced at me with a crooked smile.

"Well, I can't help you," I huffed, crossing my arms against my chest. "Ask someone else, maybe Tanya or something, or your friends,"

"No one gives good advice like you do," He retorted. "Besides she's not _my Isabella_,"

The car was silent for a while before he said. "_I met this beautiful woman,_ and she's fucking mad at me….I _need_ to make that shit right."

He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "Look, I know you won't run back into my arms like you did when we were young, but…fuck…I'm just so fucking tired of _fighting _with you,"

* * *

**This chapter was originally longer than this, so I broke it into two. The next chapter should be up next week…or maybe this week, depends. Since it's already halfway done, I'm willing to offer teasers. And I'll be dishing them out if you review. If you don't then, you're welcome to check it on the thread. **

******Almost _all _of your questions will be answered in the next chapter, when they o**_**pen wounds**_**.**

**Voting for 'In the Dark' contest has started and you're free to vote for me...or all the other awesome stories.**

**So Edward kidnapped Bella….wonder where he's taking her…Let me know your thoughts!**


	14. Opening Wounds

**A/N: I don't know what to say. The response for last chapter left me pretty speechless that I'm not sure if a mere 'thank you' is enough. Thank you all so much. I don't know what magic happened; maybe the house really shocked you all. Or maybe it was the offer of teasers. But thank you.**

**Thanks to my darling sweetheart, Kuntrygal for this. This week has been so busy that she could have easily rejected me but she didn't. Instead she read this monstrosity. Thanks to the ladies on the forum and to everyone who reads this.**

**I am sorry this took long, I have been very busy. Hopefully this will make up for the wait.**

**WARNING: This chapter is long. It is strictly E&B. It displays a rollercoaster of emotions. Proceed at your own risk. **

**Song recommended: The Fray – Never Say Never**

* * *

Opening Wounds

"Oh wow, you have completely lost it," I gasped as the car flew down the road in full speed, causing life outside it to pass in a blur. "Surely, you must be developing a fever or some kind of mental damage to the brain. We are not children anymore. Time has _miraculously _passed since then. Six years ago, that would have been the sweetest thing. Six years later, it's completely crap. This cannot be solved by some cute story that always made me smile. We've changed."

"I don't think I appreciate you talking, so please fucking excuse me while I listen to music," he turned on the radio, drowning the silence with the sounds of Metric's _Help I'm Alive._ I sighed and sat back, gazing out the window.

My heart was literally beating like a hammer and I couldn't tell if it was from the lyrics of the song, or from Edward's reckless driving, or the thought of not having a clue where he was taking me to. I prayed to whoever was up there, that he wasn't drunk. He didn't seem so, but he was acting impulsively and that was a bit terrifying. I didn't know what the hell he had planned or what he was trying to do.

_Where could he be possibly taking me to?_

Since there wasn't much I could do but sit in the car of my kidnapper, I closed my eyes and let my mind savor the music. I must have drifted off to sleep at some point because Edward tapped me to inform me we had reached our destination.

I yawned and stretched out my exhausted legs, glancing around my environment. Everywhere was dark and there was no sign of buildings or restaurants. Actually what I could see were the gentle waves of the Peninsula Lake staring back at me wildly.

Edward walked over to the other side of the car to open the door for me. I got down, staring in bewilderment. "We're here," he said, holding out his hand. I ignored him, crossing them against my chest.

He sighed and then started walking toward the dock which had a couple of boats surrounding it. As my eyes opened and scanned my surroundings, I suddenly realized what he was doing.

"What?!" I shrieked; the sound echoing through the silence. He ignored me and greeted a couple of guys sitting by the boats.

"Jonathan thanks for your help man, I'll pay you when I get back," Edward patted him on the shoulder, as Jonathan started to untie one of the ropes tying a canoe to the pole of the dock. "Isabella?" He looked at me expectantly.

"Are you crazy? I'm sorry but I'm not going in there with you," I stood at the beginning of the pier. "You know I'm afraid of water. What do you want to do? Drown me?"

"Isabella," he groaned with aggravation. "Of course, I'm not going to that. Now please get your ass over here," he said, and I continued staring at him, wondering if he was that _stoned._

I shook my head repeatedly, staring at the darkness that enveloped the other side of the lake. There was no way I was getting on that boat. I imagined the water to be freezing, and if the boat capsized, I wouldn't be able to swim.

I was not going to be Jack Dawson in Titanic.

Edward walked back to where I stood and looked at me. "Isabella, do you trust me?" he asked softly.

I curved a brow at his question.

"Fuck, wrong question. Do you trust me to know that I won't hurt you?"

I looked at him incredulously. _Really?_

"I'll be damned," He cursed under his breath, raking his hair. "I _promise _not to let you drown. Just take my hand Isabella, please," he pleaded, offering his hand for the second time.

"Isabella, just please take my fucking hand,"

I closed my eyes and slipped my hand gently into his. We walked together toward the end of the dock, side by side, hand in hand. It almost felt odd, it felt…peaceful, like I really didn't want to smash his friggin' head with something. Jonathan smiled as he winked at Edward before climbing out of the boat. Edward got into the boat first, before pulling me in gently. The canoe rocked against the water as I placed both legs in. I immediately sat down because standing made me feel dizzy.

Jonathan removed the last rope tying us to stability and waved at Edward to carry on. Edward waved back, reaching to the floor of the boat and getting out a blanket, which he threw at me to wrap myself with. We sat at opposite ends like magnets repelling each other. A small lantern was resting at the side of the boat for support, while a couple of beers and a pack of cigarettes were on the floor. I raised a skeptical brow at him but he was too busy trying to row the boat with a paddle.

_This is highly romantic_, I thought sardonically.

"Are you okay?" he asked after a while of rowing, pushing us farther and farther away from the dock and any civilization.

_Was that a trick question? _He had just kidnapped me from my house and brought me here to sit in a boat, specifically a _canoe,_ with water surrounding each side. The boat was so narrow that I was probably going to drown to death by the end of the night, and he was asking if I was okay.

"No, I'm not okay," I snapped. "You just kidnapped me! I'm in the middle of a lake, trapped in a canoe, with a psychotic ex who won't leave me the hell alone. So no, I'm definitely not okay,"

"Isabella, the boat's not going to fucking sink," he rolled his eyes.

"You think? How do you know that?"

He stopped paddling and picked up a bottle of ale, tossing it in my direction. I almost screamed as the bottle landed on the wooden floor with a small thud, afraid that it might have caused a hole. "You should drink that, you definitely need it," he said, placing the paddle back into the water.

_Sure of course he wanted to get me drunk, he was a gentleman after all. _

I ignored him and looked back to the dry land we had just deserted. I had never loved the ground I walked on every day as much as I did now. The moon bounced off rays on the water, reflecting its beauty on the pool of black with a striking contrast. The only noise that drifted in the air was that of the paddle, digging into the water, pushing its waves backward so the boat could move forward.

That was exactly what I needed to do, push the past behind me so I could move on with my future. I didn't really care if he hadn't moved on. I didn't want to be dragged along with him to his personal hell. If he wanted to go through punishment that was fine, but he had definitely punished me enough. He wasn't going to share his pain or guilt with me. Besides he was selfish so there was no need for him to be generous now.

"Did you like the house?" he pulled me out of musings; dropping the paddle and letting the waves drift the boat.

"It's nice but it's too much for my taste," I replied as he nodded, looking saddened.

"So you saw Eden?" He reached out for a beer and popped the cover open with an opener.

"I can't believe you used that. I can't believe you even remembered," I answered, struggling against the smile that was threatening to break across my face.

"Why shouldn't I? It was the first time you received oral sex," he took a small swig. And at that point, an embarrassing smile made its way to my lips and blood stained my cheeks. "The first time I _tasted _you," His voice was a sultry dark whisper.

I covered my face with my hands at the memory. The first time I had had oral sex, (at the _age of eighteen_) I was reading a book called East of Eden, and Edward had been disturbing me for my attention with his kisses. I was just at the part where Adam was discussing with Samuel about making a garden named Eden for his Cathy. When Edward promised to make a garden for me, if I stopped reading, and allowed him to kiss me…there.

"_Isabella," his voice was husky and his eyes burned with unadulterated lust. "I'm going to kiss you now," he said slowly as he lowered his head and kissed the inside of my thigh. "I have kissed every part of you…would it be okay if I kiss you here?" he pressed his lips against my blue cottoned panties, making me squirm away from him. _

It was awkward, especially when I had slapped his face with my thighs.

It was also uncomfortable recalling how many times I had cried his name that afternoon.

John Steinbeck would have definitely not approved.

"I can't believe you're still fucking embarrassed nine years later," he laughed, amusement dancing in his eyes at my reaction.

"I didn't know! It was not what I expected," I smiled, trying to contain my laughter. "I didn't know, _at the time,_ that guys went there," My neck and cheeks became flushed with embarrassment. "Don't get all suave and I'm so cool. You had yours too; remember when I told you I was pregnant?"

His face broke into a smile that made my heart flutter. "That was nothing. It was perfectly acceptable for me–"

"You totally freaked out on me. You turned different shades, first pink and then green, and finally you ran to the bathroom to puke. You were shaking like you had a seizure. Alice and I were cracking up while you were in the bathroom," I clutched my stomach in laughter.

"I couldn't help it. Charlie would have fucking crucified me. That would have given him the perfect opportunity to use his stupid gun on me. I was fucking scared; it was a completely understandable reaction _at the time_. Besides you and Alice were just trying to punish me because Chelsea lied that I had asked her to prom,"

"I wanted to cut that bitch," I sneered, recalling how she flaunted the lie all over school.

I knew it was a lie but I couldn't help but feel slightly jealous that he had asked someone else because he hadn't asked me. And of course, when I had confronted him, he had retorted back with: _"I didn't see the point of asking you because, well, who the fuck was I going to go with before?"_

He had won me over with that retort. However, Alice wasn't convinced, and so she decided that we should still shake him a little.

That was the first time I had ever seen Edward vulnerable, and it was at the mention of a child.

It was a very cruel thing to do but the aftermath was _so _worth it.

"Anyway, what was today about?" I decided to change the direction of the conversation, not wanting to dwell on the past. He looked at me, appearing confused. "Why do you have to test Jake's patience? It's like you're trying to get a rise out of him or something. Who the hell says that?"

"I was trying to be truthful. He knows who I am. He knows I was once the fiancé, he knows I'm back, and he knows what I fucking want. Why fucking sugar coat it?"

"So you have to spit it in his face?"

"No one said the truth was fucking pleasant Isabella." He took a small gulp and covered the bottle. "Anyway, let's talk." He rubbed his hands together. "So tell me about him. How did you meet him?" He pulled his lips in between his teeth. "What makes you think he's better than me?" he smirked and raised a questioning brow.

I gaped at him in disbelief. He was such an impossible man. All the ridiculous things he thought, said, did, drove me absolutely nuts. Was he really that much into himself?

I folded my arms against my chest and placed an indifference mask on my face. "Well for starters, he's not going to leave me on the freaking aisle!"

"You don't know that yet,"

I gave him a scornful look and rolled my eyes. "Anyway, I met him through Seth. Although, we were going to meet anyway since his father was Billy Black, which I didn't know at the time. But yeah, he was new in town and Seth was supposed to show him the city but he had work. So he asked me. And we got to see all of Forks on a motorcycle," I smiled at the memory, before turning my attention to Edward.

"Nice," he muttered sarcastically.

"And he _is_ better than you. He's decent, he's warm, and he's kind. He makes me happy, he's–"

"Isabella," Edward sighed loudly, looking bored. "Do you actually believe I care?"

"No."

"I know one thing for sure he doesn't love you as much as I do,"

"You don't even know him!"

"Do you love him?"

"I don't know Edward, if I didn't, would I be marrying him?" I retorted, biting my fingernails.

"You could just be running away from me. You could be doing it because you feel–"

"I love him! I really do love him. Is that enough for you? Would that make you go away?"

"I told you, I'm not leaving this time," he clenched his jaw firmly.

An interval of silence passed before I spoke again.

"Where did the house come from? I thought you said that we were going to stay under a rock in La Push. What happened to the _sudden change of heart_?" I asked, once again diverting the track of conversation.

"Those places were cheaper eight years ago. Dad bought one of the lands, thinking he was going to stay there but he didn't and he never sold it. So I called him up one day and asked him for it and he gave me. I designed it, Esme did the furnishing," he shrugged. "You didn't really think I'd let you live under a rock, did you?"

I thought his question was rhetorical so I didn't answer. I continued chewing my lips as the awkward silence devoured us. I picked up a bottle and started tearing the label, trying to forget that we were in a boat. When we were talking, it was easier to forget that I was going to drown.

"Isabella," the whisper of my name from his lips was like a light caress on my skin. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

Suddenly, the atmosphere had changed and a shiver slid across my spine. I cuddled into my blanket, seeking warmth and comfort as the intensity of the conversation was about to dive into another road, into the past, digging up memories I had buried somewhere safe to keep my sanity. He wanted to open the wound that I had left securely bandaged all these years.

But if I talked, then maybe he'd be able to tell me what I needed to know.

"Do you ever regret loving me?" he asked, his gaze slicing through me as I looked elsewhere, anywhere, apart from him.

I drew in a deep breath. "Sometimes…sometimes, I try not to." I shuddered. "I try to make it an experience, like a life lesson but it's hard not to. I feel it would just be easier to hate you, that it would take the pain away if I just…hated you. And I did for a while, but it didn't make it any better," I played with the thread hanging at the ends of the blanket, as a cascade of emotions swept over me.

"So when did you stop loving me?" he barely got the words out of his throat.

Laughter erupted from my chest. The feel of it was painful. It sounded broken and strange to my ears; it felt unusual for it to bring sadness. I curled up tighter into the blanket as the boat creaked against the water softly.

Did he really want to know the truth? I guess if I was honest with him, then he'd be honest with me too. Maybe if I was honest with myself, then I'd move on completely.

"I think the question is when _will_ I stop loving you? I _don't_ want to love you; I _don'_t want to have these intense feelings, these emotions that drive me to the point of insanity. I _hate_ you so much for it because it hurts. It _hurts_ to love you because it won't go away. Because you weren't just some guy, you weren't just… you weren't just my fiancé. You were my best friend, you were like family. I knew you when…since we were five? You were a part of me. You were practically my life," I bit my lips, trembling, and trying to keep the emotions from swimming to the surface. "And you just walked away like I meant nothing to you." I met his piercing green eyes.

I rubbed my arms, my fingers gliding over the scars from the accident. "It's like a child hating his drunkard of a mother for not caring for him…you'll be angry, so angry…but the connection…never goes."

"The difference between you and I is that you want to stop loving me…while I don't. I can't stop it, Isabella. It's not a fucking switch." My gaze met his serious green eyes for a second before I turned away.

"Well, you loved me enough to leave me; I love you enough to not be with you,"

Silence weaved itself in the air again as I got lost in my surroundings. It was quite nice and refreshing; only nature surrounding us from all corners. I enjoyed the feeling of isolation, even though the last person I wanted to be isolated with was him. However, every time the boat squeaked, my fear would bubble up again.

Nature did have its consequences.

"When you–"

"I was the–"

Our words clashed together simultaneously and I sighed, telling him to continue. But he refused, saying I should go first. I guess chivalry wasn't all that dead. I stayed silent for a while, trying to remember what it was I wanted to ask, and wondering if he was going to give any answers.

"Emmett said you never called. He said you never stayed in contact with anyone when you left Forks not even your family,"

"Yeah, when I left, I left everything behind. I felt if I called, they'd tell me about you. I also felt if I was to talk to anyone, it should have been you first. And I didn't want to talk to you; I didn't want to know how you were doing. I didn't want to know any fucking thing about you." I tried to hide the ache that thumped my heart.

"I was afraid you had moved on. I acted really fucking selfish, I know. I don't deny it one bit. I wasn't exactly thinking when I made my decision. I didn't think of the people around me when I left. I didn't think of the outcome of my actions. I only thought of you." He rubbed the back of his neck as a frown fell upon his brow. "I didn't get the best welcome either. Emmett and I got into a fist fight. I punched Seth. Mum broke down when I left, and Carlisle got really fucking pissed when I came back. He said _'I was a disappointment of a son and a disgrace'_ and since I had walked out of their lives, I had no right, coming back into it. But then he had to rethink because Esme was afraid that I'd leave again." He pulled out a cigarette from the pack and lighted it. "He hasn't_ fully_ forgiven me,"

I hugged my knees to my chest, the boat rocking in response to the movement as I absorbed that information. I hadn't even thought of Esme at the time. I hadn't thought of how hard it was for her to lose her only child without any explanation. I felt disgust for not taking into consideration the people around me. I wondered how much pain I had caused them with my own reaction.

And then I respected Esme because she was able to give freely what I couldn't – forgiveness.

"Where did you go?" I asked softly, as he blew a cloud of smoke away from my direction.

"Canada."

"You had to get that far away from me?" I felt crestfallen; the pain was so acute, it cut right through me.

"I wasn't exactly running away from you Isabella. Well, that's not true, technically I was. Fuck, I just needed to leave. I didn't want to hurt you. I thought if I stayed, you'd regret it and then hate me for it,"

I was so confused. What the hell was he talking about? I was getting so many mixed up signals that my brain was having a problem processing all of it. I was dying to know what was in his head. What did he mean by regretting? So leaving me, would make me regret? What kind of messed up mind did he have? Lord, why couldn't he just be truthful with me for once? He was truthful about everything else. Why was this always a vague subject?

Except he _was_ talking about the child.

"You were the father of Jessica's baby weren't you?" I know he had denied it but that was the only logical explanation. "You slept with her." The volume of my voice increased up a notch.

He never said anything about Jessica, and neither did he want to discuss about the child.

"Fuck no," he shook his head. "I meant it when I said that I didn't cheat on you when I was with you,"

"What does that even mean? So you cheated on me while you were away?" I looked at him in confusion.

"We weren't together anymore Isabella. I didn't think I was ever coming back,"

"But you did come back. You came back. What's the problem Cullen? Can't stick to the plan? I mean you've always stuck to it," My voice was injected with venom as I watched his face hover between anger and sadness.

"Not with you," he swallowed, his green eyes burning with agony.

"I can't believe you!"

"Isabella, I was gone for six years," he said in a quiet voice as his eyes hardened. "I'm a fucking man and–"

"So what? What does that make you? A lord or a king? It gives you the right to leave me on my wedding day because what? You proposed, so you can call it off when you please?" Red was flashing before my eyes. "You have the guts to come back after six years, and get all angry because my fiancé was sleeping with me, while you were with someone else?" My voice carried an octave higher as the rage consumed me. "Ouh. I'm Edward Cullen, I can do whatever I want because Isabella loves me and she'll always come back no matter what," I placed my hands up, shaking my head in mockery. "Let's leave her at the altar,"

"Isabella, it was _not_ fucking like–" he snarled.

"Shut your filthy mouth Edward!" I growled back as he flicked off the cigarette.

"Isabella, you _ARE _the one engaged, _not_ me," He ran a furious hand through his hair. "_You_ are the one who fell in love the second time, not me. Guess who got committed into a fucking relationship? You! Guess who I fucking thought about every fucking day? You! Guess who's fucking getting married? You! What the fuck did I do? Nothing! I might not have been fucking faithful to you in body, but I was fucking faithful to you with my heart. You don't see me falling in love with any other woman here do you?" His eyes flared as the anger flowed through him like poison.

"You left!" I cried in fury, standing up and completely forgetting I was on a boat. The boat almost tumbled over, making me resume my seat immediately but the rage was still boiling hot. "You left me! Are you seriously, seriously kidding me? How the hell was I supposed to know you were coming back? Does it look like I can read minds? Six years, Edward, six freaking years! And then you show up with some woman to beg my forgiveness, to get me to come back to you."

He had constructed a fool out of me for years. The thoughts, the feelings, everything felt so raw. I felt like my heart was bleeding all over again.

"I'm assuming you slept with her," I said, waiting for a response. "You slept with Tanya, didn't you?" I demanded an answer, making my voice clear as crystal.

"Yes, I _fucked_ her, and it happened nine to ten months after I left." He looked at me as my heart suddenly felt broken. "It meant _nothing_. It was just what it was. It wasn't healthy, and I'm definitely not fucking proud of it. She knew about you, and she knew I was probably just using her," he softened his tone. "It was nothing to me,"

"You disgust me," I spat with disdain, feeling wounded. "So how many did you use to get me out of your system huh? 5? 10? 20? I must be so vile for you that you had to–"

"Goddamnit Isabella!" he almost pulled the hair from his scalp as the anger lit a flame in his chest. The boat quaked as he tried to contain it, and keep control, but I was mad. I was furious; I was ready to let him have it, all of it.

"No seriously isn't that what you wanted to do? Get me off your system? That's why you went sleeping around with everyone. No wonder women are always around you," I seethed.

My mind was going through a wide spectrum of emotions, sadness, hurt, heartache, pain, anger. The anger was consuming every rational thought.

He had been with other women. They had touched him, his body, he had touched them.

He had slept with them while I was drowning in my pain and sorrows and burning in humiliation.

He was sleeping with other women.

While I was crying and rocking that old, rickety chair in my room, hoping to hear from him, he was enjoying himself. _With other women._

Suddenly, the impulse to slap him or hit him struck me like lightening. I stood up as the rage blinded me and aimed myself at him. The boat convulsed on top of the water, as I tripped against the blanket and fell toward him. Edward looked confused as he stood up; trying to understand what I was doing. I placed my hands against his chest for support as the boat rocked violently against the water. A loud curse fell from his lips.

The movement of the boat was like that of a teeter totter. With Edward's side of the boat facing uphill, I fell backward with my head hitting the hull. I grimaced at the pain. Water splashed into the boat. I thought it was finally going to capsize and I was going to drown. I opened my eyes as drops of water clung to my hair.

"Edward?" I called, trying to get in a sitting position. "Edward?" Edward was no longer in the boat. "Edward!" A wave of fear swallowed me. "Edward!" I screamed, turning my eyes to the black pool.

I held on to the side of the boat, trying my very best to make it stable as I bent to look for him. Suddenly, I saw his head pop out of the water. He swam closer to the boat and placed his hand on one side for support. The opened beer bottle rolled off and fell into the water.

"Oh my God!" I held my beating chest as I tried to steady the boat and at the same time, pull him back in.

"Shit!" He cursed, as his weight caused the boat to lean on one side. "What the fuck Isabella?"

"I am so so sorry," I was almost in tears as I pulled him back in. He pushed his wet hair away from his face. His clothes were soaked and dripping all over the wood.

I could tell he was cold because of the chattering of his teeth. "We should go home, you're going to freeze." I said, falling to my own end.

"No," he said adamantly, still muttering a string of profanities. "We are having this conversation. You're the one who's fucking afraid of drowning and yet you push me off the goddamn boat?"

"I didn't m…" I paused.

I wasn't supposed to apologize, he deserved it. He could have drowned for all I cared. That served as a punishment for all the women he used to replace me.

"You deserved it," I said stiffly. "Besides you can swim."

He huffed and waited to catch his breath.

"Maybe you should take the blanket," I offered, removing it from my seat. The end part of it was wet.

"So you care?" he smirked and I fought the urge to roll my eyes at his mockery. "No, I'm fine. You use it." His hands drove into his hair, removing the wet strands from sticking to his forehead.

I sat down; mesmerized at how hot he looked when he was wet. A drop of water slid down from his nose and fell on his lips, which he effectively licked off. Another drop slid down from his chin and I was almost tempted to lick it. His wet shirt clung to his upper body, making his chest very visible.

A moment passed as my eyes drank the sight of him…

"It was only Tanya," he looked down into the boat, avoiding my gaze. "I haven't slept with anyone since I came back,"

I didn't know if that bit of information was supposed to make me happy. Would have I preferred it if there were other women? I felt a pang of hurt that he slept with only her, because that meant they had a connection. Connections were deadly. And they were still friends, so did they have any emotional feelings toward each other? What if he loved her?

"I guess I need the beer after all," I said softly, opening the bottle, which had specks of water on it. I chugged down a large gulp in one fluid moment.

"I may be with other women Isabella, but it's you that's on my mind every damned day," his tone was devoid of any softness.

"Sure doesn't feel like it," I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. "You're not for me Edward and I'm not for you. I learnt that the hard way. You've made it perfectly clear that you left because I wasn't good enough,"

"I left because _I_ wasn't good enough," he snapped. "I was protecting you from me,"

"And so now that you've finished _protecting_, you're back with your sex partner to beg me back?" I asked incredulously.

"She's just a friend." He responded with a hard set jaw. "She's the–"

"What the hell happened to me?" The anger was picking up slowly from where it left off. "You had me! _I _was the only the woman you were supposed to talk to. If you had a problem you should have told me. If you had insecurities, you could have told me. If you were afraid, I would have listened. I can understand that it must have been overwhelming for you. We were young and people said it was too early. I can understand if you had moments of doubt. We could have figured it out together," I said, ending my rant with the remaining liquid in the bottle.

I took a minute to calm down, my breathing was erratic, and my heart was pounding rapidly against my chest. We couldn't have another episode of him almost drowning again. I reached for another bottle, turning the lid.

"You know what the worst part was?" I said quietly, swinging the bottle and watching the liquid slosh from left to right. "The thing that hurt me the most…was the fact that I thought I knew you." I looked up and held his tortured gaze. "I was _so sure_ you were coming back. I was so friggin' sure of myself that I waited for you, every day, every hour, every minute, every second.

"I even went back to your place but none of your things were there. The whole placed was empty like you never lived there. The collage wasn't even there anymore, there was no proof that you were ever there."

"The collage is hanging on the fucking bedroom wall in the house, at the back of the painting on top of the bed. I wanted to carry it with me, but I felt I shouldn't. I was going to remove it when the house was sold." He closed his eyes, his head tilted toward the dark sky. "I never wanted to sell the house but I have…"his words got misplaced in the cool breeze.

I leaned to the side of the boat, dipping my right hand into the freezing water. A cold sting shot through my arm as I felt the water thread through my fingers. Surprisingly, it was soothing and peaceful. In that brief moment, I could perfectly understand why Charlie loved fishing. Water did have its perks sometimes.

"I was there," his voice was so soft and quiet that I snapped my head to his direction to be sure I had heard it. "I was there…I saw you breakdown on Emmett…" It shook with regret which was a contrast to the hardened look in his eyes. "I saw you at the church…"

The fury was like molten lava bubbling up a volcano inside me ready to explode as my face turned hard. "You are such a bastard,"

The impulse to push him back again hit me. Was there anything that he hadn't done to me?

I needed to calm down. I was going to drown him if he continued.

"I'm sorry," his voice broke and he swallowed hard, his face turning into a forlorn expression. "I…"

"No Edward, don't," I stopped him with my hand. I tipped my head backward and greedily consumed the alcohol into my system, shuddering slightly at the chill of the liquid going down my throat. A single tear rolled out of my left eye and I wiped it with the heel of my palm.

I tilted my head backward, closing my eyes and shaking my hair as the wind flitted through it. I finished the last drop in the bottle and dropped it in on the floor. I stretched out my legs further and ran my hands through my hair continuously with my eyes closed.

I could feel his eyes on me as a prickle of awareness shot down my spine, and my mind was slowly getting intoxicated with the alcohol. I licked my lips, wondering if I should take another bottle. I listened to the wind whistle, the rustling of the water, the crickets crying out into the night. All the noises nature had constructed to sound like music in my ears, trying to calm me down.

If I killed him here, I wouldn't be able to get back home.

Jumbled up feelings rushed through my mind and I couldn't sort them out. There was a weight crushing on my heart that made me feel so down and depressed. I wanted it to all go away.

"I saw Jessica when I was coming back from work one day." He started. "It was dark and it was fucking late, and I was rushing home to meet you." A bitter smile touched his features, his face looked pale.

"You had called to say you were missing me. It was raining that night. I saw a woman about to cross the road, she was carrying a child. The child was strapped to her stomach and it was raining. I slowed down and waited for her to cross, but she didn't and I kept horning. But she didn't make a move."

"So I got down from the car. The child was fucking screaming and crying. And she was just standing there like a…. When she looked at me, that's when I realized it was Jessica. I took her to my car, because it was freezing and the baby was going to get fucking sick and so would she. She said she had no place to go. I asked her about her family and she said they had abandoned her. So I took her to a place to stay for the night.

"I wanted to tell you, I was going to tell you. But that night was the night you and Charlie had a fight over the wedding. And I fucking postponed it. And then it kept on getting postponed. This small omission turned into this fucking big thing. I thought she was going to fucking leave the day after, but then she said she needed my help and she didn't have any place to go." He watched me intently.

"And so you helped her," I finished in a whisper, feeling sore. I felt slightly relieved that the child wasn't his, but still he had kept it from me. "You keep saying you never lied to me, Edward. The moment you didn't tell me, you lied. The moment you kept this a secret from me, you…. You left me, and I'm not talking about the altar. I'm talking about when you didn't tell me. You left me then, before you left me at the altar."

"I didn't leave you. I never really fucking left you…"

"Hmm…" I muttered, opening the beer bottle and taking a long swig.

The silence consumed us once more. My mind was getting fuzzy with all the pain butchering my body like a knife. I felt completely bruised.

"Do you remember James?" He asked quietly, suddenly reminding me of his presence.

I had gotten so lost in my own world, lost in my haze, ripping away all thoughts of the past from my mind. I barely even understood his question.

I tried to dig up where I had met him from; suddenly wishing my brain had an office where it could organize folders. Everything was scattered in my head. Things were flashing like a blur. And as the memory licked through my mind, I remembered.

"_So what's your name?" he asked with a devious smile tugging at the corner of his lips, as he quickly downed his scotch. _

"_Bella," I answered as his blue eyes burned straight through mine. I turned my head around looking for Edward in the crowd, but there were so many people._

"_Beautiful…" he murmured; the lust twinkling in his eyes sent me doubled in fear. I didn't like the way he was looking at me, he was making me uncomfortable. _

"_What the fuck are you doing James?" Edward's voice was sharp and hard. He pulled me into his arms protectively._

"_I was just saying hello to your girlfriend. I think she's very beautiful Edward," James smiled at me._

James was Edward's cousin; I had met him at one of the parties Esme had invited me to. Edward watched me intently, wondering if I could recognize the name.

"Yes," I answered faintly. What this had to do with anything, I wasn't sure.

"He was–" he got caught off.

"Edward!" I jumped at the masculine voice shouting from behind us. "Edward!"

Edward stood up and the boat, once again, almost fell to its side. I tried to steady myself because even in my drunken haze, I was not ready to drown.

"Edward!" The scream reverberated out through the lake. Edward grabbed the wet lamp swinging it in the air as a signal.

"I don't think he can see us, guess we have to row back," He picked up the oar and started rowing the boat, turning us back to the direction we had come from.

I felt emotionally drained. I was so angry at him, for all the lies and the secrecy and the _women._

"Who's Victoria?" The words slipped out of my mouth and I touched my lips, as if that could stop my mouth from running.

"She's just my _agent_, Isabella." Edward's lips twitched into a smile.

"What's amusing?" I raised a brow.

"You're jealous," He smirked and his green eyes sparkled.

"I'm not." I bit my lip and felt my cheeks get flushed.

"Yeah, you're fucking jealous. That's why you were acting that way in Alice's office,"

"You are so self-centered. Everything must be about you! I was acting _that way_ because the first house Jacob likes, you're the freaking owner." I huffed.

"It's okay Isabella, I'm fucking jealous too when he's with you. I can't stand it especially–" His voice turned dark and possessive, as something very hot flared in his eyes. "–when he's touching you,"

I tried to keep my composure as I swallowed. He was staring at me and the look – oh lord – _the look_ was driving me insane, it was intoxicating. It was burning me. I wrapped my hands around my legs, drawing my knees to my chest. I was feeling hot, really hot and needy.

And he just kept staring at me, like he was undressing me with his eyes while he continued to row the boat. Was he seducing me with his eyes? Can someone seduce with only eyes?

I tore my gaze away but my body felt flustered with a desire that he had to cure. I didn't know how he could make me want to kill him and at the same time, make me want to kiss him.

_I should definitely stop drinking._

"Oh there you are!" The beautiful voice of Jonathan saved me from my lustful daze. "I thought you guys had gotten lost or worse, drowned. I was worried,"

"Thank you Jon," Edward smiled at him, before looking back at me. "We always seem to get lost in each other," his voice was rough, and there was a hint of calculated desire in it.

"Well, we gotta get these boats back. Hope you had a lovely evening," Jonathan smiled, as I nodded.

_Lovely evening indeed._

Edward and Jonathan rowed side by side until they got back to the dock. He explained to Jonathan about the accident that had occurred which made him wet.

Edward handed him a couple of dollar bills, before we walked back to the car.

"Well aren't you going to open my door for me?" I asked, as he walked to his side and opened the door of the driver's seat.

"Why? We're in the twenty – first century and you're definitely not _handicapped_," He glanced at me with a cynical smile.

_I guess chivalry was still dead_. I rolled my eyes and opened the door, entering in before we took off.

*~&~*

"…my…Isabella, we're here," Edward called my name; I opened my eyes and saw him squatting by the side of my door, leaning toward me.

I was still feeling lightheaded and very tired. He picked me up and wrapped my legs around his waist, placing my hands to rest on his shoulders. He shut the door, as my head fell to his neck. His clothes were still damp, but they weren't that wet anymore.

"Hello Laura, still here?" I heard him faintly, as he passed the concierge before entering the elevator.

"Hmm…you smell nice," I nuzzled my nose into his neck, inhaling his glorious clean scent.

Did he have a shower? When could he have had a shower? We had been talking for hours.

"Hmm…you're drunk," he drawled.

"I'm not drunk," I raised my head from his neck and looked him in the eye, which looked like he had four eyes. Why did he have four eyes? "I'm just dizzy,"

"You're cute when you're drunk," he gave me a crooked smile and I giggled.

"You're mean when you're drunk."

"You say I'm mean all the time," he rolled his eyes, as the doors parted open for a couple to enter. "Besides I'm not fucking drunk, you are,"

"You know, I don't appreciate you carrying me all the time, Mr. Caveman. I can walk." I slurred.

"Why would you fucking walk? When you can wrap your legs around my waist and make me feel _uncomfortable_?" He pulled his lips in between his teeth, giving me a playful look.

Uncomfortable? He didn't mean…that type of uncomfortable right? Surely he couldn't say that type of thing in public, right? I looked at him and he smirked as if he could tell what I was thinking. I dropped my head back to the crook of his neck.

"Are you two married?" I heard the young lady ask with a smile evident in her voice.

"No but we fucking should be," Edward answered, and I considered if it would be strange if I bit his neck and made him bleed for that reply.

"Well, you're a nice couple," she said. "My John and I have been married for eleven years and we still have that fire. So I know when I see–"

I interrupted her with a cough. Edward's hands rubbed my back slowly, sending tiny sparks down my body. The doors opened and the elevator chimed to let us know we had reached our floor. Edward muttered his goodbye to the lady before carrying me across the quiet hallway.

I pressed a kiss on his forehead and he groaned as he opened the door. I liked the sound; it had been long since I had heard him groan out of pleasure. I kissed the side of his face and his chin. I relished the feel of his skin under my lips. My hands moved into the roots of his hair and I tugged it gently, forcing his head to the side as I raked my teeth on his earlobe. A deep growl rumbled from his throat.

Ok, so maybe I was slightly drunk.

He carried me into my bedroom and placed me on the bed softly. He was about to grab the covers when I dragged him by his shirt. I licked my lips slowly as his gaze followed the movement before dragging his eyes back to mine.

His eyes were dark, and painted with a look of heavy desire. I rose up my left leg and brush it against the straining bulge between his jeans.

"Isabella…" his voice was strained, and he seemed to be grinding his teeth for control. "I won't be able to stop if I…" his breathing was harsh and fierce as he held my gaze.

"I want you," I whispered. All sense of control had flown out the window. I was in desperate need. "Please…" I begged.

"You're drunk," he said roughly as I felt the sheets clench under his fists.

I removed the housecoat hovering over my body and arched toward him, like a moth drawn to a flame. The air was heavy and intense. My body felt soft, and it was starving with need. It was aching for him to touch it, for him to devour it, for him to satisfy it with blinding pleasure. He looked tormented as my gaze dropped to his lips. My face was just a few inches away and I could smell paradise as our breathing merged into one. I knew this was a bad idea, but my mind and my body were fighting against the good reasons for me to stop.

"I need you," I whispered, holding on to his shirt and using my fingers to skim his lower lip. He shuddered slightly as his tongue brushed one of them for about a second. "Please…" I whispered against his lips.

"You will hate me for it tomorrow," he swallowed, looking tortured.

"I won't remember tomorrow," I shifted forward. The scent of him was making my mind go wild and everything else spin. The hunger, the craving, the need, swirled between my thighs, aching desperately for release. My skin felt like it was on fire just at the knowledge that he was that close to me.

"But I will," He drew back and stood up straight. "You should go to sleep," he turned away from me, digging his hands into his messy wet hair and taking deep breaths.

Disappointment surged through me as I whimpered, falling against the pillows, almost in tears. I was frustrated. I couldn't sleep with Jacob and I couldn't sleep with Edward either. Maybe I wasn't desirable anymore. Maybe they were tired of the woman who couldn't make it to the aisle. Or maybe something was wrong with me. Something biological that had a symptom that included no orgasms.

Or a symptom that made you think of your ex during sex. Who even did that?

He could sleep with Tanya but he couldn't sleep with me. He could talk to Tanya but he couldn't talk to me.

And then my thoughts were consumed in a tangle of sobs. Tears flowed down my cheeks like rain. And I wasn't sure why I was crying. I was just so emotional. The hollow feeling in my chest was expanding. And the feelings were trying to get out.

"Isabella," Edward turned to me and sat down on the bed. "Fuck, stop crying, please,"

And those two words – _stop crying_ – sent me into a wailing catastrophic mess.

"Isabella, what's the matter?" Edward pushed me further into the bed, as he created space for himself. He pulled me to his chest and ran his hands through my hair. "Shush, would you tell me what the fuck is wrong?"

"It's just that you are such an _idiot_," I sobbed loudly into his shirt. "You are so annoyingly stupid. And you have all these stupid secrets, and it's just weighing me down," I pounded my fists into his chest, still not looking at him. "And I don't know why I care because you're such an asshole. And I miss you. I miss you a lot. I miss you every single day.

"And I need someone to talk to. But Alice is so torn up about the break up with Jasper, she can't think straight. And Rose is going to watch poetry and plays, I mean Rose. And Jacob is all excited about the wedding and I'm scared. I'm scared that he will leave me. I'm so scared that I can't do it again. And I keep having these dreams. And I can't have decent sex because I keep thinking of you when he's fingering me. And now all I think about is you and you're everywhere. It's frustrating." I cried into his shirt. "And I really miss you but you're out sleeping with Tanya."

I tried to catch my breath, suddenly feeling very sorry for breaking down on him and crying against his shirt. He hadn't said anything yet and that realization sent a wave of nausea through me. I stood up and quickly rushed to the bathroom to puke.

After heaving out my contents, I went to the sink and rinsed my mouth and my face. When I looked back up, I caught his reflection in the mirror. He had one of his hands shoved into his pocket while the other rubbed his neck. He looked contemplative for a moment.

"I'm here Isabella," he finally said. "I'm fucking here. I wasn't here before and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I fucking put you through all this but I'm here now. And I know it won't change anything but fuck, I don't know what else to say. Jacob won't leave you. He won't make the same mistake I did. I was a prick and I lost you to him. But he won't leave you because you're right," he dug his hand into his hair. "He's fucking better than me and you deserve to be happy,"

I walked out of the bathroom and lay on my bed, relishing the softness and comfort.

"I can't believe you thought of me while he was–"

"Oh please shut up," I groaned.

"It's okay, I think of you when I'm whacking off too," he walked to my bedside. "You should go to sleep,"

"Are you leaving?"

"Do you want me to?"

"No, you can sleep on the couch,"

He bent his head and kissed my forehead. "You won't fucking lose me again Isabella, I promise."

I sighed and walked into the open arms of sleep.

*~&~*

I opened my eyes and was welcomed back into consciousness with a splitting headache. I knew that feeling, that nauseating, painful feeling, it was usually accompanied with Alice opening the curtain and hurting my poor eyes.

But there was no Alice; actually there was silence apart from the sounds coming out of the bathroom. I turned and found the red numbers of 9am glaring back at me.

"Shit!" I cursed as I threw the covers from the bed. I was late. I was so late and I was hung-over. My boss was going to fire me this time. I had been taking permission to leave work, and now I was late, when I was suppose to resume. "Crap! Crap!! Crap!!!"

"Well, good morning to you too," Edward walked out of my bathroom, wiping his mouth.

I paused.

Edward Cullen just walked out of my bathroom and he was shirtless. He was only wearing a pair of dark jean, and his chest was bare, naked, stark naked. The built in lines that cemented his chest were staring back at me. His delicious smooth skin was crying out for me to lick it.

_Edward Cullen is half naked in my bedroom._

_Why is Edward in my bedroom?_

The panic kicked me in the gut as my hands quickly checked my body to ensure I was not naked. I couldn't remember what happened last night. I gasped at the thought of having sex with him last night.

_Oh my God! What have I done?_

"Isabella, I think you should stop touching yourself while I'm in the fucking room," He hissed, running his hands through his hair and messing it up more.

"Um," I croaked, my throat burning with thirst. I tried to recall what happened. He had captured me, we had talked on a boat, he had brought me back but my mind went blank on what happened after. "Did we…uh…" I swallowed, my head felt hot. "Did we…?" I pushed air toward my face. I needed to breathe.

"Have sex Isabella?" he asked, placing his shirt back on and buttoning it. I nodded, my cheeks growing red at the thought. "No,"

The pain hammered my head. "Good. I mean, not that it's good, but that's good," I rambled, walking away from him and into the kitchen.

I opened the kitchen cupboard and got out Tylenol, rushing to the sink to fill my glass cup with water before swallowing the pills down in one gulp. I turned back to him and he gave me a lopsided grin.

"I'm leaving, there's coffee on the table. You'll be okay, right?" he said, picking up his keys from the table.

_I hope so._

He walked toward the door but before he opened it, he turned back and pulled me to him. And without warning, his mouth came hard and demanding on mine. He coaxed my lips to open with his tongue and pushed his way through when I parted them. My heart raced as the taste of Listerine hit the tip of my tongue. His tongue wickedly and ruthlessly ravished my mouth making my confused mind reel with pleasure. My body began to melt with a warm intensity as his tongue caressed mine. I moaned.

And just as quickly as he had claimed my lips, he had left and walked out of the door before I could blink.

I touched my swollen lips that had been consumed with violent passion in shock, before walking back to my bedroom. I was about to send a text to Angela to cover for me till I got to the library, when I saw I had fifteen missed calls. Four were from Alice, while the remaining eleven calls were from Jacob. I also had three texts.

_Hey, it's me, ur bff, assuming I still am. Call me we nid 2 talk. – Alice._

_Hello Beautiful, I've called u almost 5 times now. R u really that tired? Because I know you're not a deep sleeper. Stop ignoring me & call me wen u get dis. I luv u – J._

_I found a date for the wedding, call me asap – J._

Yeah, alcohol was definitely a bad idea.

* * *

**Well worth the wait? You tell me. The story is already unfolding, plus the prologue's almost here. **


	15. The Ships are Sailing & Stars are Fading

**A/N: ****Wow, thank you guys so much for reading this, for the alerts/favorites/pms/reviews/recs. I don't know what I'd do without you guys. **

**Ladies on the thread; I'm all yours. **

**Thanks to Kuntrygal for beta services and to Hallie Black & Mrs. Boyscout for being supportive. **

* * *

The Ships are Sailing & the Stars are Fading

Coffee shops.

They provided a comforting environment for people to communicate, read, work and meet other people. People were either laughing at something that was utterly funny, like the ones who sat at the table across us. Or they were typing on their laptops furiously, like the probable business man in a clean suit sitting next to us, erupting annoying noises from the thumping of his fingertips on his poor keyboard. That keyboard was sure going to break at some point if the guy didn't learn to contain his anger issues.

Or they were staring through the window of the shop like it was some mystical gate to somewhere other than the depressing Forks, like the beautiful blond woman sitting down in front of me. Or, lastly, they were trying their best to abstain from pulling the bottle of Coke in their red Guess Bag – like a deranged alcoholic – and chugging it down, like the dismal – looking woman sitting to my left.

Whatever the reason, coffee shops served a purpose. They helped start the day. After all, everyone needed a cup of coffee or something to wake them up to reality.

On the contrary, this might not have been true for everyone. But on this faithful day, the coffee theory was true for three disconcerting women, Mrs. Rosalie Hale McCarty, Miss Alice Mary Brandon and I, Miss Isabella Marie Swan – soon to be a Black.

The only difference was that it was almost noon, and so the day had already started before we got here. And yet, we still needed to be woken up from our melancholy induced haze.

Rosalie took a sip of her black coffee, gazing at something very, very far away. Alice drummed her freshly, red painted manicured nails on the table, looking at her latte while craving for the bottle of heaven in her bag. And I stared at the cup of chocolate which had gotten cold on my trip from Tim Horton's to Starbucks. Because let's face it, I was _so _over cold frappuccinos and really, hot chocolate was the _in _thing now. Plus the thought of whip cream made me feel like puking. On a second thought, that could have just been due to the fact that I was still reeling in the after effects of my drinking.

Note to self: Never drink alcohol again.

Unless of course, you've married, and memorized that when you're in bed, you should only scream your husband's name.

Everyone around us seemed to be doing something, or looking like they had a life while we were just staring off into space, each of our thoughts on different wavelengths. I was very sure that on the outside, it looked like we were mourning. Because for some reason, unbeknownst to me, we were all dressed in black and that realization had slapped us when we met at Tim Horton's ten minutes ago.

Alice broke the silence with a sigh. "I don't know how this is possible," she said, sadness drowning her tone. "I don't get it. I mean, how can this be happening?"

Rosalie let out a deep breath before taking another sip of her coffee, her eyes still fixed at this mystical, nonexistent window.

"Peter is such a sweet guy, he's handsome and smart and funny. He's a fucking lawyer for heaven's sakes. He doesn't make all those silly Freudian jokes that no one gets," she complimented her statement with a roll of her eyes. "And he's sexy, god, he's sexy. I just don't know what the problem is." She slouched back into her chair with her face forming a pout. "I can't have sex with him because I feel like I'm cheating on Jasper. How many shades of fucked up is that?" She closed her eyes and mopped her face with her hands.

If anyone saw Alice they'd think she was talking about something important.

"Well, it's definitely, not as bad as waking up to see your ex half naked in your bedroom," I muttered, taking a sip of the lukewarm chocolate and immediately grimacing at the taste.

Perhaps, I should just stick to cold things, that way there would be no surprises.

"I'm sorry what?" Alice opened her eyes with confusion drawn on her face. "Edward Cullen was half naked in your bedroom?" She almost screeched.

Rosalie decided to add to this conversation by hissing; still staring at the window like it was a magnificent painting.

"Gee, Alice, why don't we have a huge party and indulge all of Forks in what happens in my bedroom?" I snapped. "He was in my bedroom. I can't exactly remember how he got there. I remember him kidnapping me, and a boat and talking, plus there was crying too. And I definitely drank or else I wouldn't be having this headache from hell."

I leaned closer to the table. "He was talking and next thing I know, it's morning and he's shirtless in my bedroom. I asked if we had sex and he said no. He wouldn't lie," I said with an uncertainty. "If we did have sex, he would tell me the truth because he's Edward, and he'd probably wanna brag about it. But then he kissed me, this surprising–mind-blowing-passionate-I-just-had-sex-with-you-kiss. Why would he do that if we didn't do it?"

"He kissed you and he was naked in your apartment?" Alice gaped at me.

"He wasn't naked, he was half naked," I clarified. There was a huge difference. "He had his manly parts hidden."

"Wait." Alice paused, growing more confused. "Why was he in your apartment in the first place?"

"He said he was tired of fighting and he wanted to talk."

Rosalie let out another deep breath.

"So what did you guys talk about? Did he tell you why he left?" Alice continued interrogating me like I was a suspect for some unknown crime.

"No." I sat back into my chair, feeling disappointed.

"Go figure," Rosalie muttered under her breath. Those were the only two words she had said since we got here.

Maybe he had told me why he left and I just couldn't remember. Maybe I had forgiven him and that's why he kissed me, because he was so happy to get it off his chest. But then I knew that even in my drunken state, my mind couldn't forgive him, even with the alcohol. So that couldn't have happened.

Or maybe we really did have sex.

_Oh my God._

"Hmm," Alice said quietly, opening the zip of her bag and reaching out for the bottle of coke until I smacked her hand away. "Fuck! I need this bottle of Coke."

"Al, you can't drink that. You get really hyper when you drink Coke. It's like you're high on crack or something," I scolded, as I tried to push all thoughts of naked Mr. Cullen on top of me from my mind.

_Formalities won't lessen your dirty thoughts Bella. _

Whatever.

If I was betraying my fiancé, I'd at least like to remember what the sex was like so I would know why exactly I was getting into trouble. Although, I really hoped I didn't. Edward Cullen was sexy but I couldn't add that to the list of sins I held against Jacob.

"I need this fucking Coke Bella. I need my happy, chipper self. I've tried this depressing look on, and seriously it doesn't suit me," Alice whined.

"I'm going out for a smoke," Rosalie said, picking up her bag and walking away from the table.

She had been quiet all morning, and had only uttered a few words since we met for our break. I wanted to know what was wrong with her, but as my eyes followed her though the door, it caught the sight of someone else.

"Oh crap," I groaned, dropping my head on the table.

_Sin number five: forgetting to call your fiancé after he left numerous calls & texts waiting for your response._

I didn't have an excuse yet as to why I didn't pick up his calls yesterday. I couldn't tell him that I was stuck on a boat with my ex fiancee. That was definitely going to hurt him.

"Bella?" His masculine voice pulled my head from the table at the mention of my name. I watched him approach us with a brunette.

"Hi." I smiled.

"Why didn't you return any of my calls?" His tone was tipped with concern. "I was worried about you."

_The ultimate question…_

"I was…um…I was…" I stuttered like a moron until Alice jumped into save me from my lack of verbal speech, which had been somehow misplaced.

"She was with me. Sorry, after our little… problem yesterday, I came over to apologize, and I took her out. We had too much to drink and with work–" Alice looked at me expectantly, kicking my leg under the table for me to jump back in.

"I haven't checked my phone," I finished, exhaling a deep breath and running a hand through my hair.

_Lying was a very hectic task._

"Well, uh, I was just getting a cup of coffee with my coworker, Maria." He gestured to the brunette who was standing by his side. "Maria meet my darling fiancée, Bella Swan." He turned to me with a beaming smile.

"Hello." She extended her hand to shake mine. "So you're the Bella he's been gushing about in the office." She looked at him as I stole a glance of the shy smile that caught his lips. "Our colleagues said you were very beautiful." She smiled with a warm glint in her eyes.

I blushed, recalling the past incident that involved me in lingerie and Jake's coworkers in suit. I was never going to live without that embarrassment. I tried to bury it in a sip of the very cold chocolate.

"Bella, I have something that I want to discuss with you. So I'll meet you at home?" Jacob asked with a brow.

"Yeah, sure," I replied, as he bent down and placed a kiss on my cheek.

"See you at home, beautiful," he whispered before walking away with Maria.

Alice narrowed her eyes at me, and I turned my attention to the window that Rosalie had been staring through, in silence.

~%~

When the day was over, I headed back home with a couple of books that I wanted to read. I picked up the mail from downstairs, and struggled to open the door to my apartment with my occupied hands. I switched on the lights before dumping the things on the counter and taking off my jacket.

The soothing melodious voice of Doris Day drifted in the room as I walked to the living room.

"Jacob, that is absolutely exciting and I'm sure Bella would love it." I heard my mother's voice before I saw her. "I'm sure that would make a nice – oh look, Bella's already here." She smiled and stood up to embrace me. "How are you sweetie? I was going to call you but I assumed that I shouldn't disturb you at work," she said as I dropped my bag to the floor. "I bought groceries for you and made dinner. The rest is in the microwave; just heat it up when you're ready."

"Uh, thanks mum, you didn't have to," I said, wondering what they were both up to.

I guessed this was one of the benefits of having a mother who demanded an extra key to my apartment because my best friend had one. And we all know mothers always came first.

There was officially no privacy left in my life.

"Oh, don't be silly. It was nothing, besides I was using it to pass time before Phil came home." She glanced at Jake, before turning her gaze back to mine. "Anyway, I'll be on my way now. I was only keeping your fiancé company before you got here." She picked up her coat from the coat rack and placed it on. "Jake, I'll see you soon hopefully; it will be sooner than I think. Bella, honey, don't forget to call me." She kissed my head and then left.

I looked back at the door that had just been shut and then back at Jacob, still puzzled, but he simply shrugged.

_Did I really even want to know?_

I dropped to the couch, taking a spot close to Jacob. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. "How was your day?"

"Same as any other." I picked up the remote, having no intention of watching TV but needing something to engage myself with. I flitted through channels while it was mute.

"I found us a house today. It's near the reservation and very close to my dad's. I think you'll like it." His fingers wrapped themselves around my hair.

"Cool," I said, placing my head on his chest. The air was blended with knowledge, that even though I had replied him, he probably expected another sentence attached to it. "Um, when do we get to see it?" I divulged.

"I'm going to see it tomorrow. We could, uh, go together." His fingers caressed my arms as I stared at the dancing figures on the screen.

"Okay."

We sat in silence as I listened to the soft tunes playing from my mother's CD. A track that always captured my mother's attention called _Dream a little dream of me_, started to play and my eyes were already about to close when Jacob called me.

"Bella?"

"Yeah."

"Dance with me?" He pushed me off him gently before I could respond. He grabbed my hands and pulled me into his arms.

"Why do you want to dance?" I asked, half confused and half tired.

"Because I want you relaxed, and you're tired." He started moving to the song.

"And dancing is the key?"

"Just dance with me Bella," he said as I lay my head on his chest. Both of us moved synchronously, swaying to the soft music. I closed my eyes as his hands glided up and down my back in a soothing caress. "Your mother knows how to make a good meal; I see where you get that from."

I laughed. "Yeah."

We moved gently around the table to the soft piano in the background, my eyes still closed as Jacob guided us. I was really hoping he wasn't going to make me twist, or bend me over, or one of those sophisticated dance moves.

"So the Paramount Banquet Hall called yesterday evening," he said as my eyes flashed open. My head was still resting on his chest which I was grateful for. I didn't want him to think I was surprised or nervous by the news, which of course, I might have been, and I wasn't sure why. We had been waiting for this.

"They said they had an opening for February 20th," Jake continued. "So I was thinking we should take it, because we don't know when there will be another opening. And if there was an opening in the summer, I'd rather have a lake wedding or a beach wedding, instead of it being inside the hall."

I really hoped that my feet were still moving because my mind wasn't composed at the moment. It was too distracted to be thinking if my legs were cooperating with the signals from my brain.

"Besides I can't wait to make you my wife. I can't wait to stand at the end of the aisle and see you walk down it in your beautiful white dress. You could honestly wear anything, and I wouldn't mind because it doesn't matter what you wear. You could be naked for all I care, well, okay, that's not true."

At this point, I knew he was rambling and so my mind involuntarily shut down and my ears stopped hearing him.

The date had been set. This was final. This was happening.

"Bella? Bella?" He turned my chin with his finger to make me face him. "You did hear what I said right?" I nodded, just in case my vocal cord had also stopped working. Then I curved my lips into a happy smile, which in turn, made him smile.

That night when Jacob had gone to bed early, due to exhaustion, I put on my coat and went out for a walk.

~%~

February 20th.

I was getting married on February 20th.

I was going to be Mrs. Bella Black on February 20th.

I shuddered and wrapped my arms around my torso. I had always wanted to be something more than a daughter, a friend, a girlfriend, a fiancée. I had always wanted to be something more than a _Swan_. A single girl, who lived alone, had two amazing best friends, a caring mother and a difficult father.

And on February 20th, I was going to be something more, a Black. I was going to be a wife to a man. I was going to belong to someone. I wasn't going to be free anymore, no more Swans attached to my name, both literally and metaphorically. There was never going to be just _me_, or _I._

_I'm _going to the grocery store.

_I'm _going to _my _apartment.

No, it was going to be _we, us._ _We _are going to the grocery store (assuming Jacob liked grocery shopping, which he probably wouldn't). _We _are going to _our_ house.

_We, we, we._

I wondered why all these thoughts never sank in the first time I was going to be married. Why hadn't these feelings established themselves during the first wedding? Had I truly known that Edward wasn't going to be the one? Had I known somewhere in my mind that there could never be a _we_? Maybe I had already made that decision before he left me.

Why hadn't I thought about this before?

Maybe it was because there was nothing to think about. Maybe it was because somewhere in my unconscious, there was already a _we_ in the equation that didn't have to be said, because we knew what we were to each other.

We were Edward and Bella, as we had always been defined since we were seventeen.

Or maybe we were already doomed from the start and that's why I had never thought about it.

I never really paid attention to the future. I didn't like the idea of planning; it always made things too complicated. I didn't like the idea of creating a blue print for my life. That was what Edward did, and so I just let him do it because he was good at it, besides my life would have never followed a plan. I believed that all the pieces would eventually fit into place and be complete. Life moved the way it wanted to anyway.

But that was Isabella Swan, the Isabella Edward had.

I was no longer that anymore…

I was the Bella Swan who was Jacob's Bella. And Jacob's Bella tried to her plan her future, even though she was terrified of it. She thought, like exactly how she was doing now. She considered the future, thought about what it would _feel_ like to be married, thought about what it would _be_ like to get married. She thought about how strange it would be to share herself with someone else, to merge two hearts and become one.

That was Jacob's Bella._ I_ was Jacob's Bella. I was thinking now, about being Mrs. Black.

I had always said it. I had always kept it at the back of my mind to deal with it later. I had just never thought about it.

Maybe it was being with Jacob that caused this change. Or perhaps, it was the simple fact that I had matured into a woman, a twenty seven year old woman who wasn't the same when she was twenty.

Maybe…

So thinking ought to have been a good thing. After all, if one didn't think before one did something, one was mostly likely to be submerged into trouble. Thoughts avoided problems.

I tried to remember how I felt when Edward and I had finally decided we were getting married. I was pretty ecstatic. I remembered lying on my bed and thinking: _Wow, I'm getting married to Edward Cullen_. Then giddiness would overtake me and I'd end up kicking the bed in a bubble of delight.

Of course it wasn't always sweet. There were times we couldn't stand each other; times where I'd feel like blowing his friggin' head off. I thought of killing him once, he had said weddings brought out the worst in me because I was always complaining. But of course we had settled that dispute with sex in the closet while Alice had sauntered around, looking for me to try on something.

And when it came to the choice of our wedding cake, instead of tasting it, I had baptized his face with it. He deserved it; he had called me a bitch, playfully of course but he still deserved it. Our mothers had been frustrated with the both of us, and we had laughed.

However, this was about Jacob. I was getting married to Jacob Black. This was happening in a few months.

It was dark, and too late to be out on a weekday. The sky was bare and completely void of any moon or stars. The October wind whipped around me as I listened to the tires of cars squeal against the tarred road. I needed the air, the solitude, something that didn't have a we in it for just a moment. I wanted to absorb the reality of the situation, and that's why I had come out to stroll so late.

I needed to think.

And I couldn't do that with Jacob there. I just needed to come to terms with the fact that I was getting friggin' married on February 20th.

I couldn't understand why there was so much gravity in this. I had always known this, and a few months ago (pre-entrance of Edward Cullen), I would have probably danced at the idea of getting married very soon.

I closed my eyes as the wind caused the stands of my hair to dance across my face. Images of the past flitted through the back of my eyelids like a slide show. My mind traveled back to the moment when Jacob had knelt down on one knee, and when the cardboard paper had fallen out of his hands with the words:

_Will you please marry me? Because I want to fully dedicate my life in making you happy._

Another memory flickered; a memory that involved a man with a guitar and a couple of psychotic friends.

"…_I'm going to beg you to marry me because I don't want a life without you even if it consists of all the happiness and comfort in the world. So will you fucking marry me?"_

And when he left;

"_B," _Alice had said, sitting down in the chair beside me. _"You have to eat something; I know you're going through something very tough right now. I can't even fucking imagine how you feel but it's a phase and it will pass soon. But you've got to eat and talk. Talk to me, I'm your best friend, rant, shout, cry; pour your frustration on me. I can't handle you mute."_

"_Bella, get your ass off this goddamn chair. Do you know how fucking long you've sat there? You cannot go days without taking a shower, only psychotic people do that. Should I call the mental institution or something?" _Rosalie had shouted at me, tapping her red shoes on the wooden floor.

"_Well, gorgeous, I don't know what to fucking say. Except that you should follow me to McDonald's and get a bite of that Big Mac. That shit is fucking delicious especially with the cheese. We should also get you a strawberry milkshake or maybe a mcflurry. Food helps everything. If anything, the pain is more evident with hunger." _Emmett had sat down and patted my shoulders. _"I can make you one of those recipes you like__.__"_

"_So I'm just going to sit down here." _Jasper had grabbed a chair and pushed it closer to mine. _"And we could both just not talk__.__"_ He had crossed his arms against his chest and we had sat in silence.

And I was grateful for it because he was the only one who had just let me be.

And when he came back;

"_Marry me…Marry me…Isabella. I know I hurt you and I know you hate me but I promise…you can punish me forever when you're with me__.__"_

Memories were like wounds, they were supposed to fade with time. So how long was it going to take for everything to just delete or disappear? I had thought everything was okay until he came back and the gates had flooded open, like the tide of water was been bound by a lock.

And with what he had told me yesterday, with the little of what I could remember, there was a hole that had to be filled.

I sighed. I was supposed to be walking on air, and yet I felt like I was drowning in it. I was getting married for heaven's sakes, most women dreamt about this and here I was…thinking. This was beyond ridiculous…

"Hey lady, watch where you're going." My body collided with someone. I looked up to see the guy shaking his head with annoyance. "Dumbasses walking on the street like they're fucking blind or something…" the man muttered as he walked away.

I turned to check how far I had been walking and where I was, when I came in contact with the coffee shop. It was still open, and sitting at the other side of the glass was the man who had just occupied my thoughts.

He was looking at a paper on the table so intently. He brought out his pencil and marked something on it. He ran his hands through his hair and picked up his black mug, taking a sip. He placed the mug down and drew the sleeves of his white and blue striped shirt up to his elbow, his eyes still engaged in the project before him.

He scratched the back of his neck and wrote something on the paper. After a few seconds, he dropped the pencil and pushed away the paper with a conspicuous frustration glowing in his features.

And I just stared at him, having no desire to walk into the shop and yet, not wanting to walk away. It was like I was trapped in that frame, just looking at him.

Suddenly his eyes turned to mine, and even the notion that I had been caught staring couldn't make me strip my gaze away. I noticed the exhaustion underlining the green as we locked each other's gazes. He didn't move and I didn't move either.

The glass was the only barrier between us, and I realized that there was always something separating us. I was on the outside and he was on the inside. So close, and yet so far apart that I was sure he wasn't really there. I was sure that one of us wasn't real. Maybe it was my imagination or I was dreaming, or I was still trapped with my thoughts.

We were like two chess pieces waiting to be moved.

I analyzed him over and over again, his tousled hair, his rigid jaw; decorated with a slight stubble, his tired eyes and yet he still looked perfectly handsome. I wondered if he was examining me too. And if so, I wondered what I looked like through his eyes, through the glass, on the outside. Chills slithered through my insides as he watched me. There was no curiosity or tension in his gaze, just weariness.

I might have stood there for hours, or minutes, maybe seconds, I didn't know.

The moment was cut short when a woman came to his table to offer him more of whatever he was drinking, maybe coffee. Quickly, I turned to the direction of my house and walked home.

He didn't come after me.

When I got home, I crawled into bed and into the arms of my fiancé.

~%~

"So what is your favorite color?" the young lady, who was not more than thirty, asked. She looked at me, tossing her dyed red hair over her shoulder and holding a big black book that looked like a diary and an elegant Mont Blanc pen in her hand.

"What's your favorite color?" I turned to Jacob, as he rubbed my right palm in between his two hands.

"I'm not sure," he replied and looked back to the woman. "I'm sorry, why is this relevant Chelsea?" Jacob asked with confusion marring his face.

"Well, we have to know what kind of color we want the venue to be," Chelsea said, dropping her pen. "Most brides like pink–"

"I don't want pink." I cut her off as lots of pink images ran through my mind.

"Okay, sometimes blue works too."

"No not blue."

Blue sounded too familiar. This should be different; it should have a different feel to it.

"O-okay," she said and picked up her pen. "Uh, purple? Red? Carmine? Green?"

"Could tell us exactly why we need to give you a color? Maybe that would help," Jake added, taking a gulp of the cold water beside him.

"Well, I'm trying to create a vision in my mind. I want to see what I can make up with the things you tell me," Chelsea continued, and when she saw that none of us were following, she quickly reiterated.

"Okay, so we're doing it at the Paramount Banquet Hall, right?" she said rhetorically. "I plan on making a sort of tent in the hall. We'd have long drapes wrapped up to form a tent, to make the room look more elegant, like a ball. Let me get a magazine to show you what I mean," she said, opening her bag and taking out the wedding brochure. "Like this, see?" She opened a page and pointed to what she was talking about.

Our eyes fell upon a picture of a hall which had drapes tied together across the roof to create, what I supposed was a tent.

"Then, we could have these chairs that could be wrapped with the same color as the drapes." She looked at both of us and we both nodded in understanding. "So we've agreed on the tent. Does black work for you?"

"Yeah, that's fine," I replied.

"Okay, so we could have the drapes making the tent across the ceiling; the color cream. You're not opposed to cream are you?" She asked and I shook my head. "Then the drapes surrounding the room, from the ceiling to the floor, would be in black."

"But wouldn't it be too dark? I pondered out loud.

"Just a second, I was thinking we should add crystals to the match. That is, thousands of crystals set against the luxurious black and cream draping with dramatic lighting brightening up the room."

"Uh, wow, that sounds…expensive?" Jake scratched his head while I smiled at him.

"Mr. Black every wedding done right _is _expensive." Chelsea smiled, as if warm smiles could give us any consolation. "This is going to be a very memorable moment in your life. You are always going to refer back to your wedding day when both of you grow older and are with kids."

Way to think ahead of the future. I wondered if she was also a future planner. Perhaps she could engage herself in not only the wedding but how many kids we'd be having.

"So on to this, do we agree to the idea of black and cream draping with crystals?" She picked up her pen and waited for our approval. I shrugged, it sounded more appealing than any of the colorful pictures in the brochure.

"Eh, how much exactly are these crystals?" Jacob asked.

"Well, it depends on the size. We are going to use tiny crystals so they bring out a more graceful look. And also, we don't something that can easily come off when someone holds it or passes through it. We would be getting the crystals from Swarovski, so I'll check and let you know. But it should be in the range of a thousand of dollars. I'll check immediately after I leave here."

"Okay," I answered, swallowing hard and hoping it was within our budget, Jacob had beamed at the thought of it before he asked how expensive it was.

"So I'm thinking that the carpet in which the bride walks on should be black too. I just think that since you're wearing white, the black would bring out a beautiful contrast when you walk on it. And since we'll be making this a black tie affair, this should be suitable. The guys can fade into the background, we don't care about them, it's the bride that's the center of the stage." She smiled at me and I returned it. "So we've got the chairs and hall figured out, that leaves us with the centerpiece. The centerpiece is what sits at the middle of each table for your guests. What kind of design would you want? For instance, for my last client had palm trees as the centerpiece." My eyes almost burst out of my sockets with surprise.

Why the hell would someone want palm trees as their centerpiece? Weren't those too big for a table?

"We could also use long, huge wine tumblers filled with ice as a centerpiece. Or maybe you want lamps, or a simple vase with flowers would do. If those seem too…"

"The vase is nice." Jacob smiled.

"We could have flowers hanging from the ceiling, or a tray of carpet grass and single roses tucked in. You know something exquisite."

"Vases are nice," I added.

"Okay. So we can have cream flowers tucked in silver vases, maybe we can mix some with yellow. The table cloths would be black and we'd have a cream lighting as a touch. So basically a black and cream theme, is that good?"

"Seems harmless…" Jacob winked at me.

"Good, so I'll call you about the crystals this evening and let you know how much that's gonna cost," she said, tucking her notebook into her big handbag. "And Isabella, I will get back to you so we could discuss what kind of flower we want you carrying down the aisle." She smiled at me, placing the strap of her handbag on her shoulder and standing up. "We'll meet again next week?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "Thank you very much for your help." I shook hands with her before Jacob escorted her to the door.

I picked up all the wedding magazines that Jacob and I had scattered around the table, looking at what exactly we wanted before we had call the wedding planner.

~%~

"Alice, I can't follow you to his apartment." I rubbed my head in frustration. "Rose could you please tell her why I can't go?" I turned to face Rose who just shrugged and continued feeding Brady.

"Bella, I need you. I would have asked Rose but she has dinner with the in-laws today, and I can't go by myself. Please don't leave me to the wolves." Alice shot me a puppy dog look as I drew in an aggravated breath. "Besides you detest Edward and that will make us leave quicker than expected. If I go alone, there's a possibility I might not make it back, and I need my goddamn charger." She sat down on the couch and held her hands in her head.

"Language Alice." Rosalie scowled and pointed to Brady with her eyes.

"Sorry."

"Okay fine!" I said with exasperation. "But you owe me for life." I pushed my hair away from my face.

"Thank you Bella." She threw her arms over me and pulled me into a hug. "And who knows maybe we'll get lucky and Edward won't be there," Alice said, throwing her phone into her purse.

"It's _his_ apartment," I said with a petulant toss of my head, closing my eyes and wondering why the hell I was doing this in the first place.

I hadn't seen Edward or heard from him in weeks, for all I knew, he could have been dead. The project with the library had finished a long time ago and the contractors no longer needed him there. The last time I saw him was at the coffee shop and that was a month ago. Actually, the last time I had really seen him was the night of the boat incident. He was no longer in front of my building, or at my work place, or at my door, or in the elevators.

He had simply stopped being everywhere.

I would have thought that he wasn't in town; except for the fact Alice had informed me that Jasper was now living with him. I tried not to ask about his whereabouts. I didn't even understand why Jasper was living with him. Alice had simply said they both needed company.

I didn't know if this sudden absence was considered to be a good or bad thing.

"Let's go." Alice pulled me up from the couch. She kissed Brady on his cheek and ruffled Rosalie's hair on her way out. "See you later lover."

"Why don't you just get back with Jasper? I don't get it. This is really stupid Alice," I said, entering into the car.

"Because I'm dating Peter now, there's no Jasper." She started the car and we made our way to Edward's apartment.

A part of me wished he wasn't at home. But I was never good with luck so he probably was. To my gratification, Jasper was the one who answered the door.

"Jasper." Alice pushed him out of the way.

"My love," he sang with arms wide open that Alice ignored.

"Are you drunk?" she asked loudly, walking further into the apartment.

"No, I just really missed you. How can you desert me like this Alybee? Do you know how much I love you? How much I miss you, and you're dating that fucker, Peter."

"Wait, what?" Alice turned around, shaking her head out of confusion. "I'm not even going to ask. Where the fuck is my charger? I know you took it, give it to me."

Maybe if I stayed by the door, the risk of seeing him would be less. I took off my shoes and placed them close to the door as Alice and Jasper disappeared into one of the rooms along the hallway. I pulled out my cell phone and started checking for messages and saw I had none.

After a while of standing by the door and looking a like a doormat, I decided to walk into the place. There might have been a huge possibility that he wasn't even here and I was just stressing myself for nothing.

"Have you been sleeping with him?" I heard Jasper ask as I passed one of the rooms.

"I don't know how who I fuck is any of your business, Jazz. We're no longer together," Alice retorted.

I was just about to enter the wide living room when I heard a voice singing from one of the rooms. My steps halted.

"_There's room between your heart and the chair where I've been sleeping. The place that we called home, will someday watch you leaving."_ Edward's voice slipped through the open door on my left as the sounds of guitar strings floated on the hallway. _"There's room between today and the last time that I saw you. The pictures in my brain will fade until I lose you. If you would come back home, we could start all over. If you would come back home…I swear it would be better__.__" _

I stopped and pushed the door a little bit, pressing my ear against it. It had been so long since I had heard him sing or play. The softness in his voice and the passion in his singing made me shiver.

"_There's room left in the house. There's food still in the pantry. I could fix you lunch or take you out for coffee. If you would come back home." _I peered through the door to get a glance of him.

He was sitting down on a bed, the faint smell of smoke wafting in the air. He was wearing his black beanie, which securely held his hair. His fingers plucking the strings of the guitar smoothly as his voice faded into the chorus. The little stubble on his jaw had grown and had become very evident on his face.

"_Call the surgeon, mend the pieces. Call the surgeon, mend the pieces. Call the surgeon, mend the pieces,"_ he chanted; his eyes were closed as he poured all the emotions into the guitar. An army of goosebumps rose on my arms as I got lost in the song.

My bag mistakenly smacked the door, which put a pause on the music and made his eyes turn abruptly toward the sound. I cursed myself for lack of coordination as his eyes burned into mine in bewilderment.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt," I mumbled a quick apology as he looked back to his guitar. "I see you're playing again." I ran a nervous hand through my hair. I had already been noticed so I figured that I could just make small talk to make the time pass.

"Yeah, I'm just trying to get back to myself," he said. "The song is actually for Jasper, he's planning one of those fucking grand romantic gestures to get Alice back. I was merely just trying…" he trailed off.

"Yeah." He exhaled a deep breath.

"Oh, I see." I crossed my arms against my chest.

"Yeah, Jazz knows how to give advice to people but when it comes to himself, he's got no clue."

At that point I heard Alice screaming at him. "Jazzy you cannot kiss me; did you brush your teeth today? Don't shove your t…" her words were muffled by something I figured was a kiss, and a couple of giggles followed after.

I smiled at the banter between them before turning back to Edward.

"So where have you been?" I asked, still trying desperately to keep the room light and open for conversation until Alice was ready to leave.

"Just here…around…keeping a low profile."

"Oh cause I haven't seen you around," I slapped myself mentally for that statement. I wasn't looking for him, I shouldn't even been noticing if he hadn't been around. It shouldn't be my business anymore what he did with his time.

"Yeah."

"Are you avoiding me by any chance?" My godforsaken verbal diarrhea spewed. It was such a mystery to me that when I was in dire need of articulation to converse with Jacob, my speech went on a vacation. And now it saw Edward, it couldn't hold its tongue.

What did it matter if he was avoiding me? Maybe I was the one avoiding him unconsciously. After all, I _should_ have been avoiding him.

"Um, no…I don't know," he gave a befuddling reply that caused my left brow to lift with perplexity.

"I'm giving you space. You have the wedding coming up and I didn't want to…" His brows knitted together as he stared at the floor. He seemed to be struggling with the next words he wanted to say. "I was just giving you space." He removed his beanie and skimmed his fingers through his hair.

_Oh…_

The air in the room hummed with silence as I stood at the door, while he sat at the periphery of the bed. His fingers traced the strings of the instrument causing random sounds from it. I wasn't sure what to say or do. And the more I stood there, the more everything seemed awkward. I was really hoping that Alice got that charger soon.

"So you live alone?" I asked, swinging my bag in a pendulum motion due to my nervousness. "I thought you lived with Tanya."

He had told me he slept with her that night on the boat. I wasn't exactly sure what to classify their relationship as.

"Uh, no, why would you think that?" He looked at me with a frown creasing his forehead.

"Cause she's always around?" I needed to get out of here fast.

"No, she has her own place," He replied.

"Okay."

A few seconds passed.

I was about to say something irrelevant when he asked, "How's the wedding stuff going?"

"Um, pretty good actually. I'm not a bitchy bride yet, so that's good." I thought he would smile at my reference but he took no notice of it, instead he looked neutral. I quickly rushed to say something else, trying to conceal the pang of discomfort. "It's in February."

I was going to add "a nice winter wedding" but decided against it.

"Okay," he nodded and started strumming a soft melody on the guitar. "Well, I wish you…" He stared at the floor. "I guess what I wanted to say is that I hope you're happy." He smiled faintly in my direction and then focused on his guitar.

"Yes, I am." I felt my heart thaw at his words. It was supposed to serve as a warm congratulation, yet it seemed to dampen my mood.

"Okay." His fingers constructed a cacophony of sounds.

"Jazz, I don't fucking care." Alice banged one of the room doors shut and approached Edward's room. "What the fuck is this, the club for the depressed men who look like fucking hobos?" she asked as she opened the door wider. "You guys should get your heads out of your asses and take a shower, you reek." She hissed, grabbing my wrist and pulling me to the exit door.

"So I guess I'll see you around," I called, and then turned when I heard his voice.

"Yeah, I guess." He shoved his hands into his pockets, as he and Jasper walked us toward the door.

Both of them looked dejected and disorganized as they escorted me and Alice toward the elevators. The four of us stood in silence as we both waited for it to arrive. Alice looked away from Jasper who was gazing intently at her, while I felt eyes bore holes into my body.

"Should I drive you?" Edward asked me immediately, his poignant green eyes searching mine.

"No, I brought my car," Alice replied instantly as we both walked into the elevator.

"Alice, you'll call me right?" Jasper's brow rose up with excessive hope as he rested his hand on the wall, looking straight at Alice.

"I don't know Jazz." Alice held the strap of her bag and I could tell she was feeling anxious, as I glanced at her nails digging into the leather. I looked up to find Edward who was fixing his eyes and watching me with a careful expression, the sadness lurking in the green.

I pulled my lips in between my teeth as Alice pressed the ground floor. As the elevator closed, Jasper said his goodbye with a little wave which I was sure was supposed to be for only Alice, while Edward just continued gazing at me.

The door closed and I sighed with the relief of not being in his sight anymore. I closed my eyes and inclined my head to the walls of the elevator, taking in deep breaths and trying to prevent myself from suffocating.

He didn't come after me.

Neither of us said a word as we drove off of their street.

* * *

**So Edward's accepting the wedding and he's pulling away, it seems. Wonder what happens next. Let me know what you think. **

**Oh and I posted a short story called 'A Tangled Web', you can check it out if you like. **

**Happy New Year!**

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Song Edward plays: _**If you would come back home **_**by William Fitzsimmons.**


	16. 15: In Memory of

**A/N: Thank you for your patience! And also for reading and your response to the last chapter. Thanks to Uggy for the amazing rec, she's always kind to me. **

**Thanks to all the people who helped me with this chapter (you know yourselves). Thanks to my lovely, amazing beta – Kuntrygal. **

**Disclaimer: I own **_**nothing**_**! **

**Warning: You might want to get comfortable, this is long. It contains coarse language and themes that may not be suitable for a younger audience. You're warned. It's a little angsty also. **

**If I could use one song that perfectly describes this chapter, it would be **_**Hide and Seek **_**by Imogen Heap. **

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In Memory of the Love We Once Shared

I stood there looking at the panel of the elevator slide close laterally, the elevator cab transporting Isabella away from me. It took a great deal of control to fucking shut myself off from displaying any feeling when she was around. I had so many things I wanted to say but I knew if I started, the words were going to fail me.

I wanted to tell her that I cared deeply for her. I wanted to tell her that I was fucking selfish because I didn't deserve her but I wanted her to be with me. I couldn't stand her with anyone apart from me. I wanted the best for her and I, Edward Cullen, was not the best.

I had the urge to propose to her again and this time, the right fucking way with the ring. The ring that had turned into a fucking rock, weighing me down and reminding me of the failure of not having it wrapped around her finger. The diamond taunted me with its sparkling glow, which I was smothering in my pocket.

I wanted to tell her that I was wrong in the way I tried to solve all the shit happening at that time. I was just so fucking tired of the cage of anger and sadness that I had trapped us in. I wanted to fix it. I wanted all the shit to just go away.

Instead, I sighed and dug my hands into my pocket, following Jasper down the hallway and back into my apartment. I walked straight into the kitchen, opening the fridge and grabbed a bottle of beer.

I walked to Jasper's room and opened the door to find him lying on the bed with his eyes closed.

"So, what are you going to do about Alice?" I asked, taking a swig as he opened his eyes and glanced at me before closing them back. I really had no clue what was going on between the two of them. As far as I was concerned, they didn't have any fucking problem. Alice was going to get back to her senses soon.

"I'm not fucking sure yet," he replied.

Well, at least _she_ wasn't getting married anytime soon. He still had time to settle whatever the fuck was happening with them.

"I don't know what to do about Isabella, Jazz. I think I've lost her for good. She seems…" I trailed off, taking another swig and allowing the liquid to drown the word _content_ in my throat. "You said I should give her space, now what's next? Watch her walk down the fucking aisle with him?"

"Now, you grovel."

~!&!~

The beautiful, sparkling colors of Christmas lights bathed the small living room of the Blacks. A heap of wrapped up presents in different colors with bows decorating them formed a circle under the Christmas tree. Trays of biscuits, candies and a bunch of other festive refreshments adorned the table. A delicious aroma wafted in the air and made my mouth water instantly.

Laughter floated across the room from the women who gathered around the circular dining table making salads. The men, all except for Sam (who had insisted on cooking), sat in front of the television, engaging themselves in a card game with beer scattered all around them.

I glanced around the room, and thought about how my life was already interlocking like I was a piece to a puzzle among the people that crowded the room. I missed the company of Rosalie, Alice and my mom. Rosalie was spending the evening with her in-laws, and Alice was with her aunt in Seattle, while Phil and Renee were spending Christmas together.

"How are the wedding arrangements going Bella? Are they driving you crazy yet?" Emily asked as I walked over to the circle of ladies chopping vegetables. Emily spread some salad cream over the bowl of shredded lettuce.

I thought about how the past month had gone in a blur. The only thing I had truly realized during the preparations was the fact that I didn't have many friends. They had all dropped like flies over the last six years. Because when it actually came to picking my bridesmaids for the wedding, I had only thought of three people: Alice, Rosalie and Angela, and one of them was already my maid of honor. Rosalie claimed that since this was (almost) my second wedding, it didn't matter how many bridesmaids I had. Alice had suggested that I needed to socialize more and stop trying to be an introvert.

"It's fine," I replied, taking a seat beside Kim, whose stomach was protruding out already. Sitting on the opposite side was Leah, who once again was spending Christmas without a boyfriend. Her dark, long hair had been cut short. It hung over her face in small curls. The short hair accentuated her oval face, which brought my attention to the fact that she had makeup on, which rarely used to happen before. Maybe she had decided to consider dating now.

"Bella." I looked up to find Seth, dressed in black pants and a light blue buttoned shirt, smiling at me.

"Seth." I returned his smile and stood up to meet him, excusing myself from the table. The conversations about marriage, children and other things that happened in their lives were beginning to drain me, and I had only sat there for ten minutes. "How are you?"

"As good as I can ever be." He pulled me into a warm hug. "Wanna take a walk with me to the beach?"

"Sure."

I quickly picked up my coat, and in a couple of minutes, we were walking toward the waves washing out on shore. Darkness enveloped the sky and the cold wind wrapped around us. There were some stones scattered all across the beach, and logs of wood sat at the side, facing the sea. My boots sank into the wet sand, indenting it with footprints as we walked in silence. The air smelt fresh and refreshing, as the tides made nature sound so exquisite.

"So Jacob asked me to be his best man," Seth broke the ice as I turned my eyes to him. "He seems pretty excited about this whole wedding thing. If he wasn't marrying you, I'd say he was the bride and we had surely gotten his gender roles mixed up somewhere." Seth tilted his head back and laughed.

"It's because it's his first time, he's never experienced anything like this before. It can be pretty overwhelming I guess." I tucked my hair behind my ears and kicked a pebble.

"So you're not excited then?" he cocked a brow in my direction.

"I am, I just…" I trailed off, looking for the right words to explain. "It has all happened before, I feel like it's monotonous. It's the same cycle, same things; the dress, the cake, the people–"

"But not the groom," Seth added, as my gaze travelled back to the ocean and its rippling waves, crashing on to the surface of the sand. "You're happy doing this, right? I mean, this is what you want, isn't it? You want this with him?"

"Yes, of course," I replied, placing my hands into the pockets of my winter jacket. "He's…Jake, who else would it be?" I asked rhetorically, but once I had heard the words, they echoed in my head.

I was sure, there was no uncertainty. I was just afraid of the actual wedding happening, and that's probably why I was detaching myself from the preparations. I was ready, I had to be – the wedding was happening in less than two months. How hard could it possibly be? I was just supposed to wear a gown, walk down the aisle, and say the vows and that was it.

I could do this. I was confident. I loved Jake and we were going to start our lives together as a couple. There was no reason to be afraid; he wasn't going to leave me. He loved me.

"If you're happy and he's happy, I guess we're all happy for you then, for both of you," Seth said with his lips sketching into a smile.

We walked around the beach for a while before heading back to join the celebration inside the house. After we had eaten and all the gifts were given to their respective owners, everyone returned back to their various homes.

"Bella, it was so nice of you to come. I hope you enjoyed yourself," Billy said as I bent down and gave him a hug.

"Definitely, we'll be having this again next year and maybe at our house this time." I kissed him on the cheek, and his face beamed at the mention of 'our house'. His expression was a reflection of his son, as I passed Jacob and walked over to Charlie.

"Merry Christmas, dad," I said, as he wrapped his arms around me and enveloped me into a hug.

"Merry Christmas, kid." He kissed my forehead. "I'm very proud of you." His words made me feel happy.

Jake and I entered my car, which he had decided to use, and drove back to my apartment with more gifts than we had come with. He shared a few stories and jokes on the way back. I helped him carry a few bags out of the trunk, and then entered the elevator all the way to my floor. I was distracted, laughing at one of Jake's embarrassing stories as I checked for my key, so it took me a few seconds to realize he had stopped talking. I looked up to find out what had caught his attention and almost gasped.

My eyes froze at the sight of the man who always seemed to cause a slight imbalance in my world. He was dressed in a pair of dark grey jeans and a white buttoned down shirt, which hung loosely over his belt. He was leaning on my door, his eyes fixed on the page of a notebook. He wore a contemplative expression, which I could see from the side of his face. His hair – as usual – was having difficulty deciding which direction to fall to.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, walking toward him, or rather my apartment.

"I came to see you." He snapped the book shut and glanced at Jake, before bringing his eyes back to mine. "Is this a bad time?"

"Uh," I turned to Jake. "Could I just have a couple of minutes?" I asked; pushing my hair from my face with my eyes trained on the floor, avoiding his gaze. When I didn't get a response from him, I continued. "I'll meet you inside; I promise I won't be long." I looked up and tried to offer him a reassuring smile.

He seemed to be having an inner battle in his mind, and before I could tell him it was okay and that I didn't have to talk to Edward if it made him feel uncomfortable, he sighed. For a second, I was so sure he was going to refuse, or that the feelings that he had bottled up inside were finally going to explode in rage and attack Edward. But instead, he tilted my chin up and brought my gaze to his. He held it for a moment, before pressing his lips to mine. A rush of tangled emotions that I couldn't unravel evaporated from the fleshing of our lips together. He brought his hand up and pressed my head closer, plunging his tongue ruthlessly into my mouth with a force that made me moan. It almost made me forget that Edward was there….almost. As his name ran through my mind, I opened my eyes and stared at him. He was looking gravely at something on the floor with his jaw clenched. I could see his teeth grinding behind the muscle of his cheek. His hands formed fists at his sides; I could almost see the veins behind the surface of his skin.

Jake planted a few feathery kisses on my lips before resting his forehead against mine. He whispered with his eyes closed and a little out of breath. "I love you."

"I love you too," I replied with my eyes focused on Edward, wondering what was going through his mind at that exact moment.

Jake released his grasp and walked toward the door. He and Edward exchanged a heated look, a silent communication passing between them for a couple of seconds before he opened the door and walked in.

"Merry fucking Christmas," Edward said stiffly with an undertone of sadness, staring at the apex of his shoe drawing invisible circles on the carpet. Something about him looked different, and it wasn't because his jaw was becoming obscured with stubble. He looked like a lost child instead of the confident man I knew.

"Same to you," I folded my arms, leaning my side on the wall. "Why exactly are you–"

"I don't want you to marry him." He snapped his head up. "I don't want you to fucking be with him." His voice was so soft compared to the hardened look glowing in his eyes.

I swallowed. If he had said those exact words in a different scenario, perhaps a smile would have brightened my face. My heart billowed at the jealousy flickering in his eyes. I tried to relax.

"He's my fiancé – the wedding has been set. This isn't about what you want anymore, Edward. You don't get to tell me what you want. I know what I want. I'm doing what I want," I said, exhibiting a lot of confidence that I was surely not basking in on the inside. He wasn't going to make me doubt myself.

There was no room for doubts.

"_Isabella,"_ I noticed the trivial absence of the '_my_', which lately had been absent whenever he called my name. I inwardly groaned at how pathetic I was, noticing all the little things that were supposed to be of no consequence to me.

My ears picked up on something he had said while I had been lost in my thoughts and immediately, I offered a reply, feeling confused. "I'm sorry, what?"

"If this is some kind of fucking punishment for what I did to you, if this is how you plan to–"

And there it was – him crawling under my skin, and not in the sexy, '_let's have wild sex_' way. The anger flame he usually ignited in me began to burn.

"Oh lord, you will never change. You are such a self – centered jerk." I shot him an exasperated look. "You think this is about you, don't you? Because everything always has to be about you! Nothing can just be about Bella Swan – even my own friggin' life has to be about you!" I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in disbelief.

"I'm fucking sorry, okay?" he shouted in frustration, dropping to a squat in front of me and pulling his hair. "I can't," he said, his whole body was quivering, and I didn't know if it was from anger or something else. "Fuck, I can't do this." He used the heel of his palm to rub his eyes.

"You can't do what exactly?" my brows furrowed in confusion. I was trying to understand what sort of wheels were spinning in his head.

"I can't. I just can't do it." He went on. "I can't let you go; I don't want to let you go. I can't fucking lose you this time." His eyes flashed to mine. "I've been without you for six fucking years because I was stupid, and it was hell. Don't make me live without you again, I can't." His voice was full of anguish as his eyes cut right through mine. "I'm a jerk, I'm an asshole. It's the fucking truth and you've always known this. I may not be the perfect fucking guy; I'll always get under your nerves. I'll always do irrational things that you'll never understand but I'll never leave you again. I made the biggest fucking mistake by walking away from you." He stood up with an emotion glowing intermittently in his eyes and stepped toward me, raising his hand.

I stepped back, and watched his hand fall to his side when I rejected it.

"I came here to…" he started, his forehead wrinkling into a frown as he struggled on how to go on with what he wanted to say. "I want to say that…fuck," he took a deep breath and closed his eyes, running his hand through his hair. "I've spent days, weeks, thinking about how I was going to…"

I was going to ask him what he wanted to say. When I thought he had left me and finally given up, what was he thinking of? My thoughts were cut off.

"I need you to forgive me." His eyes were holding mine, and in that moment, they seemed completely naked. He was wearing his feelings on his sleeve now, there was no mask. He looked like the man I knew before he left me. I almost thought this was a dream. "I need you to forgive me for leaving you. I'm sorry for making you feel like you were nothing to me, when you meant every goddamn thing to me.

"I'd spend an eternity just making it up to you. I'd give up every fucking thing if you'd just allow me to show you…if you'd just give me a second chance. I never meant to hurt you, and my actions might have been really fucking contradicting but I was trying to prevent that. Well, there was also the part that I was a fucking coward and that you'd…" he stopped and mopped his face with his hands.

"I thought of bringing you flowers, dozens of them and flooding your fucking hallway. But then I thought that shit would probably defeat the purpose since they'd just die anyway." I bit my lips. "Perhaps, I should have still tried. I wrote you some other shit too, but I'm a nervous prick and I thought you might…

"You're the only woman who makes me feel this way, do you know that?" He laughed bitterly. "The only woman who makes me shit myself thinking of what to say, you have no fucking idea what you do to me. Maybe if I always showed it, you'd think of me differently. But you have to know, it has _always_ been you."

"I want to give you something," he paused, and then stared at the black journal that sat on the floor. He stared at it for some seconds and then continued, "I want to give you something other than words. I want to prove myself to you, rather than say "sorry" over and over again. I want to show you, and if you get married, I'd lose my fucking chance. And I know that I don't deserve it but I'd rather spend my whole fucking life begging you than living without you again. I need _time_."

I was too shocked to move, and his words made me feel a bit disoriented. I gave him a long stare and then dropped my gaze to the floor. He had said so much but it wasn't enough. And I wasn't sure what I wanted him to say or do. I didn't want him to do anything.

It was too late.

There was nothing he could do now. I was already gone. One couldn't find a coin that had been tossed into sea. There were so many things in the ocean that made that one coin insignificant. I was lost somewhere and he couldn't find me anymore. I could no longer be _his _Isabella.

Somehow, someone had found me and picked me up.

I was gone.

My heart plummeted down in my chest as I looked at him. I didn't know how to respond, the words were stuck in my throat. Tears flooded my eyes and I tried not to let them roll across my cheeks. I couldn't cry; Jacob was waiting for me.

So, I used his words. "I can't."

My throat constricted, and my heart felt like it was attached to an anvil. "I can't…I just…I can't." I shook my head as if I could dispel the emotions from surfacing. "I can't, I can't." I repeated it like a mantra, convincing myself that this was the right thing to do.

I didn't look back as I opened the door and shut it behind me. I was grateful for the darkness that consumed my apartment. It was just exactly how I left it, which meant that Jacob must have been in the bedroom. I wanted to collapse, gasp for air, scream, or break down but Jacob was waiting for me.

So, I peeled my jacket off and walked to my bedroom. The lights were off, except for the one glowing in the bathroom. I took off my shoes and placed them at the floor of my wardrobe. After undressing and changing into something more comfortable for the night, I laid on the bed.

Jacob rolled over to my side. "Mm, you're here. I missed you," he said in voice groggy from sleep. He pulled my back towards him and wrapped his hands around me. He buried his face in my neck, placing soft kisses. "What did he want?" He asked.

Edward's voice left a lingering trace in my mind, and I thought of how Jake would feel if I told him the truth, but at the same time, I didn't want to lie.

"I'm not sure," I replied. "But it was nothing I could give," I whispered in a barely audible voice. He sighed and placed one last kiss on my shoulder.

I closed my eyes and felt numb.

~!&!~

"_What are you wearing?" Edward's voice dropped into a deep, sexy drawl over the phone. _

"_You can't do that!" I hissed. "I'm at the dress shop, trying to find a friggin' dress to marry you in. I'm practically drowning in an ocean of white gowns of different styles and patterns. Don't get all sexy with me when I'm stressing out," I shouted into the phone, pacing back and forth. "All you have to wear is a friggin' suit, you have no idea how I feel." I huffed and rubbed my head in frustration. _

"_Okay darling, tell me how you feel" he crooned with a hint of amusement tainting his tone. _

_I would have rolled my eyes at that reply, but the seductive sound of his voice was stirring a different reaction from irritation to stir in my body. _

"_Do you want to marry me in my white shirt? You know, the one you fucking stole from me on Tuesday before you left my apartment? You could wear it with those pair of black socks you like-"_

"_Shut up Mr. Cullen! First of all, I didn't _steal _your shirt. It's in my closet if you want it, go get it by yourself. And whatever happened to what's yours is mine? Anyway, it's a church. I don't think you and God would appreciate me exposing my thighs for everyone to see." I dropped to the bench beside me, feeling exhausted. _

"_Could we get married in my bedroom?" he continued. "That way, I can–"_

"_I am so dropping this phone right now, if you continue using your bedroom voice for me."_

"_You love my bedroom voice," he whispered. "Fine, no more games," he said. "Whatever you pick, I want your shoulders exposed. I'd like to have access to them at the reception, when no one's looking…"_

"Earth to Bella fucking Swan." Alice clapped her hands in front of my face, waking me up from my dream that had taking a detour down memory lane. "What the fuck is up with you?" she hissed, her eyes raking my form in the tall, mahogany mirror standing in front of me.

The white gown reflected back like a sharp, fluorescent light bulb glowing in the dark. The top part of the dress hugged my body, possibly inventing an exaggerated, curvy hour-glass figure, and then laces of white cascaded down the floor like a waterfall.

"Holy Shit! You look beautiful." Alice's lips drew a huge smile across her face.

"Let me see," Rosalie peered from where she was sitting down. "Mouse, would you move the fuck over?" she hissed, as the magazine she was reading, mistakenly fell from her hands to the floor. "I agree with Alice. Thank God, they got the measurements right this time," she added with a smile.

"Yeah," I replied, turning back to the woman gazing in front of me.

She was dressed in her second 'white dress.' The first had been dramatic, stylish and glamorous, which was probably why its downfall had been so tragic. It was hidden somewhere or perhaps buried. When I had taken it off, Alice had grabbed it quickly and taken it away from my sight. She never mentioned it again. It basically never existed.

But this gown was simple, fitting and less uncomfortable than the first one I had.

"One million dollars!" Rosalie's scream cut my thoughts short, as I turned to see her eyes almost bulging out of her eye sockets. Alice giggled at Rosalie's reaction and nodded in confirmation.

"And there were bodyguards too," she added, placing on a white veil at the top of my head.

"What the fuck!" Rosalie exclaimed. Lately, she had been acting as her usual self and I was happy for it. But then again, there were so many things going on with the wedding that I hadn't had the time to even enjoy her company. "I can use that money to get myself a freaking house. Maybe pay for Brady's school, buy Emmett a car, get myself two cars, and get a fucking wardrobe–"

"It's okay Rose, we don't need to know what you could do with a million dollars. You don't have a million dollars," Alice laughed.

"What are you guys talking about?" I asked, feeling completely lost in the conversation.

"Well, I just told Rosalie that my friend told me of a wedding she went to. The bride was dressed in a gown made of Swarovski crystals, and it cost her a million dollars. Oh, plus there were bodyguards ensuring that the crystals were not stolen." Alice spread the veil over my face. "I don't know if it's true though, but the news has pretty much caused Rosalie to almost have a stroke." She chuckled, and then spun me to face the mirror again. "Beautiful." She winked.

"I don't want to wear a veil," I said, flipping it away from my face.

"Why?" she turned to me.

"It makes me feel hot and uncomfortable," I replied.

"Did you know," she placed her hands on my shoulder, "–that veils were used to drive off evil spirits and protect the bride in the olden days? Then they were used to symbolize purity and innocence. And in some countries, they are used to confuse the husband from whom he's marrying." She smiled.

"And this is relevant because?" I asked, failing to see the point.

"Nothing; just thought you should know the beauty of what a veil can do and appreciate it. We could get you one of those birdcage veils that only cover a small portion of your face," she said, sidestepping the train of the white gown on the floor.

"Okay," I replied, turning back to the mirror as Alice and Rose resumed their conversation.

As each day passed, the ring around my finger got heavier. As each week passed, the ring got tighter.

"_When I claim you officially at the altar, your thoughts, your body, your soul, your heart. Everything will be mine as I will be to you. Do you want to be bound to me?"_

The days were fast approaching the date of the wedding. Everything was spinning around me like a tornado and I was in the eye of it, feeling numb to appear calm. I was lost somewhere in the overwhelming state of it. I watched everything process before my eyes as time flew by.

It had been three and a half weeks since I last saw Edward. His ghost haunted my memories and his face assaulted my dreams. I was convinced that he had finally realized that this was for the best. After all, I had rejected him when he had poured out his feelings. I shivered as I remembered the frustration in his tone, the sadness etched in his face.

So, I was completely bewildered when I saw him, sitting cross-legged by my door. I wondered what he looked like to the random people who lived across the hall. I walked closer to him. He looked so exhausted that I was concerned he wasn't getting enough sleep.

I took a few cautious steps toward him, wondering what he wanted this time. "Hey."

"Hey," he offered me a tight smile.

"How long have you been here?" I asked, clutching the stack of books to my chest. Books had become my gateway to escape from reality. They provided my new comfort zone. I got lost in stories that were simpler for the protagonist, and where the love was effortless and not complicated. But really, it was useless because whatever I was running from, or to – I wasn't sure – always seemed to linger by my door, or lay in my bed.

"Three hours, thirty five minutes." He glanced at his watch, shutting his black journal. I wondered what was in it the last time I saw it, especially when I was so sure he had the intention of giving it to me. "Now, thirty six," he added.

"You should go home," I wanted to say, but instead, I dropped my ass to the floor and sat right beside him.

_You should stop coming here, there's nothing left for you here anymore. You should sleep. I should stop caring about what you do with yourself. _

We sat in a comfortable silence for what could have probably gone on for seconds, minutes, but no one was counting.

"I finally sold the house today. I sold it for two mill," he added softly.

"I'm glad it worked out for you." I replied, gliding my fingers against the spines of the books on my laps.

"It wasn't supposed to be this way," he whispered with a slight remorse.

_I know, but you made it this way._

I wanted to reply, but instead I let the cloak of silence cover us, resisting the urge to place my head on his shoulders like I always did when we were kids.

"_Edward, could you slow down a bit? I'm tired and you're walking too fast," I whined, trying to catch up with him and at the same time, trying to prevent myself from tripping over my shoe laces. _

"_Lord! Girls are so fucking slow," he grumbled, slowing down and waiting for me to catch up with him. _

_The thorn of the tree branch I was trying to dodge scratched the skin of my leg. I winced as I saw the blood leak across my pale skin. "Edward," I choked, feeling slightly nauseous at the red fluid. _

"_What now?" he complained, turning around as I fell to the ground. "Isabella." He ran and grabbed my arm, trying to hold me steady. "Oh shit! Hold on, I'm going to carry you." He placed my arms around his neck and slipped his other hand underneath my legs to carry me up. "Hang on, we'll soon get home." _

That was how the late night visits started, either he was just getting back from work or he was waiting for me to get back, I wasn't sure. I couldn't really comprehend what he was trying to accomplish by coming. I couldn't invite him in and at the same time, I couldn't kick him out.

I couldn't stand the sight of the despondent expression that always accompanied him whenever he came. I wondered how our feelings had swapped. I was the one who was supposed to be wounded, and yet he was the one looking like he had lost someone.

"This is a non – smoking apartment building, you know," I chastised, reaching out to seize the cig stick from his lips.

"Are you concerned about my health or about the security giving you a fine?" he leaned away with a questioning brow, effectively dodging my hand.

_Both._ "About the fine," I lied. "I can't have Jake–" I got cut off, as he pressed his index finger to my lips and crushed the end of the cigarette on the carpet. His breath was hot and smoky as it blew across my face, making me feel slightly dizzy.

"Don't torture me by calling his fucking name," he said, employing an icy tone. "No offence to him, I'm sure he's a fucking nice guy and all, but he's still my rival and I won't lie that I don't fucking hate him for taking you away from me."

His fingers brushed the strands of hair across my face and tucked it behind my ears. I shivered at the graze of his finger against my cheeks. Our lips were almost close together that I was afraid he was going to kiss me.

"You're like a muse – a fucking goddess. Very beautiful." He placed an airy kiss on my cheek. I was almost seduced by the adulation of his words, and before it could disturb my mental composure, I stood up straight and said goodnight. I closed the door, leaning against it, knowing he was just right there and I couldn't…

And then there was the night I found him with a large map of what looked like a blue print of a house. He was staring at it with a lot of concentration, as I glanced at the plot of the house.

"I'd have to break the walls of the kitchen to expand this portion of the room, and then," he turned the paper upside down, prattling on about his plans. "No that won't work."

I continued looking at drawings of rectangles and squares with different labels on them. I had never even tried to understand the calculations and technical drawing he used for his work. It just looked too complicated.

"I don't know what to do," he sighed, his shoulders slouching in defeat. "I don't know how to fucking fix this." He was staring at the paper, his face contorting with frustration.

I noticed the double entendre in his words and knew he wasn't referring to the project before him.

"Perhaps it's not something you can fix," I said quietly. The words had spilled before I could gain any sense of control of them. "Perhaps there's no resolution for it."

He looked at me, his green irises interlocking with mine. "Everything can be fixed," he said as he rolled the paper up. "You just have to want to fix it," he whispered to himself, but I had heard it, loud and clear.

We sat in silence for a while, until he broke it with a sigh and a whisper. "You'll never stop loving me Isabella," he said, his gaze fixed to the carpet. I should have denied it but it was the truth. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. "You'll never stop wanting me. I'll always be there, lurking at the back of your mind." He seemed like he was talking more to himself than he was to me. "I'll be your fucking shadow, always attached to you. Like a permanent beautiful scar that won't just fucking go away. And you know what the best part is?" he asked as I flashed my eyes open to meet his. "You won't want me to leave either." he said, his lips curving into a bitter smile. "And you know how I know this?" he said as he traced the curve of my cheek. "Because that's exactly the way I felt every fucking day during those six years when I burned for you." He took my hand in his and planted a soft kiss on it, like a gentleman before he stood up and left.

And ever since that night, he had stopped coming to my door.

~!&!~

"Oh my," Rosalie moaned. "This tastes _so_ good." She licked off the bloody sauce from her finger. "I think we should definitely have the wedding rehearsal dinner here."

I stabbed my fork into the pasta, trying to wrap it around the narrow tines. We were having dinner together, which we hadn't had time to do since everyone was engaged in task that involved the wedding. Right now, we were trying to find a suitable restaurant for the rehearsal dinner.

"I have a question," I gulped, dropping the fork into the sea of spaghetti. "If Emmett or Jasper did to you–" I paused to look at their faces. "–what Edward did to me, would you be able to forgive him?"

Shock colored their faces as they each heard the question. They had been careful enough not to broach the subject of Edward, afraid that I might have a breakdown since I was about to walk to the altar again. Both of them had been concerned about my state, and had asked if I was okay with doing this again and I had told them yes. They had noticed that I didn't want to talk about it, so they had been walking on needles anytime they were in my presence, trying not to talk about the past or compare.

"Oh," Alice said. "Well…" she swirled her straw in her drink.

"Personally," Rosalie interjected. "I think…actually, I _know_ I won't forgive him. Because let's face it, would Emmett truly forgive me if I cut off his balls?" she asked, as my eyes grew wide and I almost choked at the vulgarity in her question.

"Rose!" I exclaimed, glancing around and hoping no one had heard it. We were in a classy restaurant for crying out loud.

"Oh please," she rolled her eyes at my reaction. "The truth is, yes Emmett loves me and shit, but he won't forgive me if I castrated his testicles." She put emphasis on the word _testicles_, as if to say 'Is that better?' "He'd be fucking angry, hurt and there's a high possibility that he'll never speak to me again. A man without his balls is like a woman. No man wants to be a woman."

"I think I've lost my appetite." I dropped the garlic bread that I was holding on top of the plate.

How did a castrated…_testicle_ relate to what I was asking? I would never know. As if on cue, she continued.

"The moral of the story here is, no. No one wants to be hurt by someone they love, even though in a way we all get hurt somehow. But there is so much you can take, you know. And this is definitely not one of them." She wiped her mouth with the white napkin and took a sip of her soda.

"Wow, great analogy Rose," Alice pitched in, her words dipped in sarcasm. "Comparing Bella's pain to that of castrated balls," I grimaced, once again. "Sorry," she shot me an apologetic look. "And you, Rose are one of the reasons why men have castration anxiety. Anyway back to your question. I'll feel hurt and used and disappointed and I'd feel horrible. It's natural to feel that way." She placed her hand over mine on top of the table. "But if he asked for forgiveness, I'd forgive him. Because the truth is, I'll have to forgive him someday so why not now? If I hang on to it, then I can't really move forward. I'm either letting go, or moving forward with him. If I don't forgive, I'm trapped in limbo." She smiled and removed her hand, turning back to her food.

"So…" I started. "Are you saying that there's a possibility that if he asked you to come back to him, you'll…you'll go?" I asked, scattering the scrambled eggs all over my plate with my fork.

"If it will make me happy, yes." Alice struggled with cutting a piece of chicken. "Happiness is the most important thing."

"Alice!" Rosalie snapped her napkin on the table with a sharp disappointment flickering over her face.

"What?" She turned to meet Rosalie's stare. "If it's going to make me extremely happy, and he definitely wants me back, then why not? Why would I keep deceiving and punishing myself if I still want him?" She took a sip of her juice. "There are some people who just can't live without each other, you know. Besides, we didn't say there was a third party."

"So wait, doesn't this make you…sort of a hypocrite?" Rosalie asked. "You don't want to be with Jasper, but yet you're saying…"

"It's not that I don't want to be with Jasper. I do. I just want to be sure that when I return to him, there's nothing else left for me to think about. When I'm back with him, I want to look at him and know this is everything I want, and that there's nothing more out there for me."

"What if he doesn't wait for you Al? What if he finds someone else? What if he thinks that you don't love him the way you claim you do?" Rosalie asked incredulously. "Time doesn't wait for anyone."

"Then I'll know it's not meant to be," she said simply, slipping a piece of chicken into her mouth.

~!&!~

Later that week, we had finally decided to have our rehearsal dinner at that restaurant. We had invited family and close friends. Music soared through the band playing at the front of the restaurant as everyone engaged themselves in a conversation.

"Bella please could you pass the bowl of fruit salad," Renée smiled as I passed the red ceramic bowl.

"Bella," I heard a soft, familiar voice call from behind me. I turned to the direction of the sound and my eyes met a beautiful woman, her brown hair flowing down her shoulders in waves. Her lips stretched into a wide smile.

I stood up slowly and walked into her open arms. "Esme," I whispered into the thick mass of her hair. "I didn't know if you'd–"

"Of course I would, silly," she chuckled, leaning away from me to see my face with her arms hooked around my waist. "You've grown more beautiful over the past months. You've refused to visit me."

I hadn't seen Esme in months. To be quite honest, I avoided her. I could have visited her if I wanted to, I knew her address. I could have stayed at Renée's place whenever I knew she was coming, instead I fled. If I had the slightest opportunity of seeing her, I always ran away and I didn't know exactly why. I had almost opted out of inviting her to the dinner, and also to the wedding. I knew it was bad of me to think of even considering that especially when Esme had always treated me like her daughter. She wasn't to be blamed for her son's actions, and really, I wasn't blaming her. She just…she reminded me of the family that could have been every time I saw her. Her vibrant green eyes reminded me of her son's own. It was too much.

"I'm so sorry," I said genuinely as my eyes began to well up. "I should have–"

"It's okay dear; I know you have been busy with the wedding. Renée told me. No need to apologize." She gave me a warm smile, which filled me with more guilt. "I brought you a gift. I know I'm supposed to wait until the wedding but I simply couldn't resist." She handed me a small white bag, which looked like it contained a jewelry box in it.

"Thank you so much, you didn't have to," I said.

"It was the least I could do." She smiled.

I walked over to Carlisle and gave him a hug, before showing both of them their seats. I welcomed a few of my family friends, escorting them to the table and going back to welcome more. As the newly arrived guests settled down, Jasper walked in, looking neat and suave in a blue tucked in shirt and a pair of black pants.

"Hey, am I late?" he asked, kissing me on the cheek.

"No, the party's just started," I responded as we walked to the table together. I wanted to ask where _he _was, but thought that would be pathetic. "How's… how is he?" I decided to rephrase.

Jasper tugged the collar of his shirt. "He's okay. He says you shouldn't think of him tonight, and he wants you to enjoy dinner."

My eyes widened at Jasper's words. I didn't know if I wanted to insult Edward for his cocky attitude or smile that he was able to predict the thoughts swirling in my head. "I'm not going to think of him," I snapped, suddenly annoyed that that's exactly what I had been doing for the past five minutes while waiting for Jake to arrive.

"He also said that you should keep deceiving yourself, and that the two of you never had a rehearsal dinner, so you should enjoy this one. Also, he said he would have loved to give an encomium of you but didn't think it'd be appropriate. And I'm done being a messenger," Jasper said finally. Edward had a pretty twisted sense of humor. "Did Peter come?" he almost spat.

"No," I whispered, before taking my seat.

Alice adjusted herself as Jasper took his seat. I smiled at how their bodies seemed to react to each other's presences.

"Sorry, I'm late guys." Jacob rushed in. He kissed me on the cheek and grabbed a chair close to mine. "I'm sorry for making you wait," he whispered.

"It's okay. You're here now," I smiled, pouring some wine into his glass.

"Can I just make a quick toast to this beautiful, amazing woman sitting beside me?" Jacob used his cutlery to tap his glass cup, gaining everyone's attention with the clinking noise. Billy chastised him, saying that he could break the fine crystal if he did that. Everyone raised their glasses in the air, with smiles sweeping across their faces. "To Bella Swan who has decided that she wants to share the rest of her life with boring old me." Everyone laughed and clicked their glasses in a toast. "And now we can resume eating," he said to the audience before whispering in my ears, "You look simply irresistible tonight."

I smiled and whispered a "thanks".

"So Peter didn't come?" Jasper asked Alice in a mordant tone, taking a sip of his wine.

"I told him I'll meet him after dinner. I wanted to save you the pain of having to see him sitting beside me," she retorted with a chime of laughter that rang across the table.

Jasper narrowed his eyes at her before giving her a menacing stare. While Alice ignored him, turning her attention to Brady, who was sitting comfortably on his mother's lap. I thought she was enjoying the rise of jealousy burning in Jasper's eyes.

My eyes darted around the table, Emmett and Jacob kept the table lively with their animated discussions and jokes. I never realized how well they got along until now. Charlie, Carlisle, Billy and Phil were engaged in some serious talk about work and sports. Renée and Esme discussed about the wedding, which was a week from now. Alice and Jasper were having the funniest, complicated conversation with their eyes. It was pretty amusing to watch. Seth and Lauren seemed to be getting acquainted, while Angela and Ben were in their own planet.

I downed my glass of champagne, grimacing at the slight bitter taste. I felt almost complete having all my friends and my family surrounding me but yet, I still felt the absence of someone. Someone who should have been here but wasn't because of the six year vacation he took to get away from me.

I sighed. Was I ever going to stop thinking about him? Was there ever going to be a time where he won't just matter anymore?

"Bella, I think we should dance!" Renée shouted against the band, which had started playing _Guantanamera _by Celia Cruz. "Jacob you don't mind if I steal your fiancée, do you?"

Jacob shook his head as Renée pulled me up from my chair.

"I thought I might shake you up, before you start daydreaming and you forget who you're getting married to." She smiled behind her whisper. "Don't deny it. Have you solved your problem?"

"What problem?" I asked, as she spun me around and we tried to move our hips to the rhythm of the song.

"Sexual."

I winced. "Mom, I'm not having this discussion with you."

"Who else will you have it with?"

"My therapist, whom I'll now start seeing because of the dynamic of our relationship." I couldn't dance, but I tried to make it look like I was doing something.

My mother was just another case. "You don't give me enough credit. I'm your mother, I understand things; I knew you before you became _you_. And I've done some of these things before."

"Mom," I groaned. "I don't want to hear about you and your…whatever. To answer your question, I've decided it doesn't matter anymore. When I'm married, things will change. I'm probably having adjustment problems."

"Are you sure you're ready for this?" She looked at me with concern.

I looked at Jacob, who was now laughing and punching Emmett. They were probably sharing some joke that nobody else got on the table. "Yes I'm ready. I have to be. I love him and he loves me. I'm ready." I enunciated clearly, so she'd stop asking.

"Okay."

~!&!~

"I don't know what to write!" I dropped the pen in frustration, running my hands through my hair.

"This is so funny; it's almost as if you're writing a fucking exam or something." Alice laughed as she continued flitting through the pages of the Cosmo magazine she was reading. "If I find something here," She gestured to the mag with a tap of her finger. "I'll let you know."

I groaned. "Rosalie?"

"Hey, don't ask me. This was the exact reason why I just told Emmett to allow the minister to handle it. I don't do written vows." She replied, dipping a spoonful of vanilla ice-cream inside her mouth.

"How hard could it be? Just quote some Shakespeare shit," Alice said as my head fell to the table.

_No, that's the kind of thing Edward would do. _

Edward…I wondered what he had written on the day before our wedding. Had he been as frustrated as I was that he couldn't find the words? The words to describe the way he felt about me.

Then again, maybe he didn't plan on saying anything since he already knew the wedding wasn't holding. He was the one who made the decision after all.

"Wait, we've done this before," Rosalie said. "I'm sorry, I know we're not supposed to bring this up, but what did you have in mind the first time you wanted to…" She trailed off, as if completing her sentence would be considered as forbidden. "You know."

"Ugh," I let out a strangled noise.

"How about write what you feel? How hard could that be?" Alice dumped the magazine on the bed and closed her eyes.

How did I feel? How did Jacob make me feel? Warm, happy. He had this type of energy that could brighten up a room when he walked in. But those were just words; there wasn't any feeling in them. No powerful emotion. I needed to write something with substance.

"Or better use that crap most people use," Rosalie said. "I can't describe what I feel with words…yadda yadda." She stretched her long legs on the bed.

"You can say this." Alice sat up. "You are the love of my life; I knew it right from the start. The moment I looked at you, you found a place in my heart." She took Rosalie's left hand and looked at her affectionately. "No one's ever touched me," Alice dramatically sang. "Like the way you've touched me," her voice carried an octave higher.

"Ew, ew, ew!" Rosalie snatched her hand from Al's grasp, while Alice chuckled. "And Bella you can't use that shit, it's a song."

I abandoned the paper on the table and walked over to the bed, joining my friends who were laying on it. The three of us stayed quiet for a while.

"I wouldn't have pictured us like this seven years ago." I said, drowning the silence. "Things are so different now."

"I think it's amazing how we're all still tied together," Alice said as I stared at the white painted ceiling. "And we have a new addition now, Jacob."

"Yeah…"

"So, guys. I have something to tell you." Rosalie dropped the bowl of ice-cream beside the bed. "For a couple of months or was it weeks? I was acting strange." She said, staring at her fingers twisting together on her lap. "I had a miscarriage."

"What?" Alice shot up. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"Because I didn't want you people to worry. Plus, you guys were worrying about other things. Like this whore here," she gestured to me. "Who was engaged but waking up to another man in her bedroom. I was pissed off because there were so many other fucking problems, and I had to listen to you two whine about your sexual lives and shit."

"Maybe if you had told us, we would have shut the fuck up," Alice added.

"Well, now you know." She picked up the ice-cream bowl and shoved a spoon of it in her mouth.

We stayed in silence, listening to my neighbor jamming loud music in the apartment beside me.

"I'm sorry Rose," I said quietly. "That I wasn't there…"

"You were busy, it's nothing." She smiled, changing the topic. "And if your mom hadn't said that we shouldn't take alcohol like we're some twenty fucking year olds, I might have been drinking Patron by now."

"Yeah, but we can't get the bride drunk. The huge hangover we had the last…" Alice stopped herself as she shrunk into the bed. "Anyway, so Jasper told me he loved me."

Rosalie rolled her eyes, walking toward the direction of the bathroom. "Doesn't he say that like every day?"

"I know! Well, he doesn't say it constantly. I mean, suddenly he's sending flowers and flowers and it's like a fucking funeral in my apartment. Then he's buying all this stuff and sending anonymous letters. At first I thought it was Peter, because no one signed them but Peter said he wasn't the one."

"Maybe you have a secret admirer." I smiled, as Rosalie walked back into the room.

"I can't think of anyone else. It has to be from him. And then next thing, he's shouting in the middle of the fucking street that he fucking loves me. And people are looking at him like a lunatic, and I am walking on fucking sunshine."

"Or maybe it's your senses that are coming back," Rosalie said with mockery as Alice tossed a pillow at her.

"Tell me about it." I perked up, resting my head on my elbow and laying on my side.

"Okay so I was getting a drink from Tim Horton's," She said, sitting up. "It was one of those days were we couldn't meet each other for our usual ritual. And he saw me coming from the shop, and he stops me and says he needs to talk. I was already late; my break ended like ten minutes ago. And he's like 'Just give me one minute'. And I'm like okay, you've got one minute. And then he tells me he misses me. Then he pauses, and at this point, I'm reminding him seconds are passing and I gotta go. And I'm about to leave, actually I'm leaving. And he shouts in the middle of nowhere 'I fucking love you' and it's not dramatic or anything. Well, okay he _is_ shouting on the road and everyone can hear him. But there are no balloons rising in the air, there are no angels singing. Nothing extraordinary.

"The day is exactly normal but I'm not. I'm so fucking not. He has said this before, so it's not like I'm hearing it for the first fucking time. It's simple but when I hear it, I get shivers….fucking shivers. And it makes me smile, and at that moment, I know. I know it's just him. I know it's always going to be him. It's so fucking weird." She shrugged into the blanket.

"Oh Alice, what did your mother do to you when you were little? Sprinkle fairytale dust over you?" Rosalie laughed. "You're fucking confusing me, so what? You're gonna go back to him now that you've seen the invisible_ light_," Rosalie continued.

"No, I was just telling you what happened you bitch!" Alice smacked her. "I haven't decided yet."

I watched them get into a play fight as my mind kept on to drifting somewhere else.

"Hey guys, I'm gonna go out for a walk," I said, getting up from the bed and walking to my closet. "I'll be right back but if it takes longer, don't wait up." I slid my winter jacket on and grabbed my keys. I didn't even wait for their reply before I headed out the door.

The sharp winter breeze stung my face as I walked out on the street. It was a Friday night, so there were people crowding the streets, laughing, drinking, or rushing to clubs or bars. I walked along the side of cars battering the pavement. The cold air I inhaled hurt my nostrils as I continued, finally finding myself at the park.

I hadn't really visited the park since the last time I realized that Edward wasn't really coming back. Each time, I just passed it, either in a vehicle, driving away, or walking away from it, completely ignoring its existence.

I walked through the path that led to the open circle where the small, white vinyl gazebo sat, unmovable. I kicked off a stray, dead branch from my way, walking along the snow-covered path to a section where all the chairs were circling the gazebo like an altar.

I didn't realize at first that someone was sitting down on one of the green chairs, facing directly in front of it. I almost jumped when I saw the cluster of familiar, scattered bronze hair swaying with the wind.

"Oh," I said, as he turned to the sound of my voice. "I–I didn't know you were going to be here. I wouldn't have come…" I trailed off. "I guess I should leave." I turned around, ready to walk back to where I came from and find another place for solitude.

"No," he said softly, before clearing his throat. "Uh, you can stay. I just–"

"No, it's okay. Really, you came here first," I tried to assure him.

"No, you came here in the fucking cold. Please stay," his voice pleaded. The curtain of darkness surrounding him made it seem difficult to really see his face. "We could share."

"Okay." I walked toward him and took my seat on the other side of chair. We sat like we were two positive magnets repelling each other. The silence hung in the air, and was accompanied by the whistle of the wind at intervals. I closed my eyes as a gust of wind slapped my face.

I heard the flick of a lighter and opened my eyes to see him, creating a cave with the palm of his hand to prevent the wind from disrupting the flame he lit for his cigarette.

"Sorry, is this going to bother you?" he asked, gesturing to the already lit cig balancing in between his lips.

"No." I replied, pulling my gaze away from his lips and closing my eyes.

"So what brought you here?" he asked as my eyes flew open to find him taking a slow drag from his cigarette.

"Oh, I was trying to write my vows and…I'm having problems with the words, I can't seem to organize them," I answered, holding my arms to my chest. _Or find them._

"Hmm…" he trailed off. I waited for him to say more, instead he kept quiet.

"What did you come here for?"

"To think." He took a thoughtful drag. "Maybe if I could think really fucking hard and concentrate my focus on that gazebo, I'd be teleported back in time." He laughed dryly. "This place is pretty much dead during winter."

I glanced around the park; the trees were lifeless as they stood towering over the park like statues guarding it. There were no flowers, light bulbs, any sign of greenery or anything bright. Traces of snow lingered on the green wooden chairs. It was cold, desolate and empty. It could have definitely passed for a cemetery instead.

And it was the place where both of us had come to think and find solace in the night. We were one strange pair. Then again, perhaps it was because of what it signified to us. It was the place where we had promised each other we'd be together. The place where he had proposed.

It was way brighter and more beautiful when he had asked me to marry him. It was almost as if the park was mourning the loss of our love.

"You were right." He took a drag and blew a spiral of smoke out into the chilled air. "My life _is _a circle. I've done a full fucking revolution, and I'm back to where we started…as _friends. _Tomorrow you're going to be known as Bella Black. Hmm…Bella Black, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella Black," he chanted, his voice was a haunting rhythm.

It felt odd hearing the name from his lips, like a bitter taste on the tongue. The name Bella Black over and over again. It was taunting me, mocking me, sending chills down my spine.

"It has a nice ring to it, don't you think? I have always said Isabella–"

_Please don't say it_, my mind pleaded as my heart started to feel heavy.

"Isabella Cullen." The name rolled off freely from his tongue, along with another spew of smoke.

"Forgive me; I tend to get carried away." He flashed me a dazzling smile, a smile that I rarely saw since he got back. "I remember the first time we met, when you were building your sandcastle and I was wondering why the fuck is she building it the wrong way. It's going to fucking collapse."

"I bet you didn't start cursing at that age," I smiled sadly.

"Ah, you hate my bad traits – the cursing and the smoking but you've always found them sexy. You like it when I say _'fuck'_ you just try to deny it. That's why you always cover it with that fucking word _'friggin'_. If you're going to fucking curse, just do it." I laughed at that point. "Anyway, back to my story. I never called you _Bella _because it annoyed you, and that's basically what I like doing, annoying you. I like knowing that I'm the only one who can drive you fucking crazy. I like knowing that you've showed me all of you both the good and the bad.

"That's beside the point. It's not that I didn't like the name _Bella_, but that's what all your friends called you. I wanted to be more. I wanted to be fucking special. So I decided that I'll call you _Isabella_, so that every time you heard it, you'd think of me and only me."

"And you figured this out when you were five?" I arched a brow, twisting my thick winter scarf.

"No, that was when I was ten." He tapped the end of the cigarette with his finger. "Kids are selfish."

"You're always selfish, even now."

"I'm an only child." He stated.

"And that gives you the right to be selfish?" I asked, slightly amused. "I'm an only child too."

"You're selfish for other things…I just don't say it every time."

"Like what?"

He looked at me; his lips curled into a smile that made me want to kiss him. I shouldn't have been thinking of kissing him on the night before my wedding. I turned away as blood painted my cheeks.

"You're going to fucking turn away from me, even in this last moment we have?" I heard the amusement ringing in his tone. I turned back to face him, his smile still evident in his features. "Humor me."

"What?"

"Let's play a game," he said, his hands reaching into the pockets of his pants. He brought out a coin. "Think of this as our last fun game…before you become married."

"We'll have many fun games Edward," I said in a thick voice, trying my best not to cry.

"Yeah, but I bet your husband-to-be won't enjoy the idea of you playing games with your ex fiancé." He stubbed out the cigarette and turned to me. "So," he said, with a smirk hanging at the corner of his lips. "I'm going to toss this fucking coin." He opened his palm to display a shiny, silver quarter. "Pick a side."

"A side for what?" I swallowed, trying to decode the mischievous look in his eyes.

He gave a surreptitious roll of his eyes. "For the coin: heads or tails?"

I narrowed my eyes at him, wondering what he was up to. "Heads."

"Hmm…that makes me a fucking tail then," he smiled. "So when I toss the coin. If it shows tails and I win…" His eyes stared through mine and his smile fell as he said, "You'll pick _me_. You'll _choose me_. If I win, you'll be with me." His tone hardened with seriousness.

"I can't," I turned away and sucked air into my lungs. "I can't do that," I whispered. "I can't leave him, he'll get hurt." I stared at my shoes, willing the tears not to fall.

I felt him move closer to me, his breath burned the exposed skin on my neck. "What about me?" He whispered brokenly. "What about how I feel? I know that I don't matter to you; I know that you don't want to love me. But have you fully let me go not to care about what I feel?" His lips grazed the shell of my ear as I shivered from the pain in his voice.

"I love him too," I said, swallowing and looking across the park. "I can't–I can't hurt him," I stammered.

"You're hurting me," he said as the side of my arm touched his leather jacket.

I closed my eyes as a tear tolled down my cheek. I wiped it with the back of my hand.

"I guess it is only fair," He turned his face away from neck. "After all, I hurt you too." He shifted back to his original sitting position. "If you win…what do you want from me?" His voice went back to normal, void of any emotion.

"We can't play this game. I can't gamble," I replied, looking at him.

"We'll play for fun then. Who knows, you might win. After all, you're my lucky charm." He said. "So yes, if you win?"

I knew I shouldn't have asked. I knew I shouldn't have thought about it, but he had to see that there were some things that both of us could not do.

"Will you come for the wedding?" My eyes trailed down to his jaw, the beard had covered it entirely. "_My_ wedding."

His eyes widened. "You want me to come?" He swallowed. "Why?" His voice was gruff.

"Because you're my best friend and I've practically lived my whole life with you. If you don't come…it won't be the same." I finished. It was the truth; it wouldn't have been the same without him there but then it wouldn't also be the same, if he was there.

He was right. We were both selfish. He was selfish because he wanted to have me all to himself, without thinking about what would happen to Jacob if that was to happen. I was selfish because I wanted him there; to keep that connection we both had and for other reasons, while neglecting how he would feel when he saw me with someone else.

"You think I won't come," he said, breaking the silence as the look of surprise disappeared from his face. "You think that if you ask me to come, I won't come. Just the same way, I'm asking you to leave him and you won't. You want to make this fucking equal."

He tossed the coin between both hands. "You underestimate me. You know that if you ask me any fucking thing, I'll do it for you even if I don't want to." He paused, placing the coin on the tip of his thumb as I moved closer so I could see what the outcome of it was.

He flicked his thumb up and we both watched the silver coin, shine in the darkness, as it was tossed upwards into the air. The coin flipped side over side before falling back into his palm. He covered it and my heart pumped faster in anticipation.

It was just a game, it didn't matter who won.

He removed his hand, and the side of the coin with George Washington's face came into view instead of the Northern Mariana Islands. Edward's shoulders slouched back.

"I told you, you were a lucky charm." He smiled sadly as he slid the coin back into his pockets.

We sat in a pointed silence after that and did what we each came here to do originally. I thought, while he stared at the gazebo.

"I need you to forgive me," he said, cutting through the silence. "One last time, I'll ask and it's not for leaving you." He pulled the black journal from beside him. "I should have given this to you a long time ago," he said, standing up and walking to stand in front of me.

He knelt down. "Forgive me for whatever you might read that's inside." He placed the book in my hands. "I am so fucking sorry," he whispered, as he leaned over and placed a kiss below my right eye. He turned away from me and walked away from the park.

* * *

**Yeah, so that was...heavy. Please let me know what you think. **

**Anyway, now you all get to read Edward's journal along with Bella in the next chapter. See you when you know everything. **


	17. Chapter 16: Stripped

**Thank you for your patience!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own **_**nothing**_**, well ****Cabrónward's ass is mine. **

**WARNING: This contains themes not suitable for a younger reader. This is long. This might also **_**piss**_** you off, depending on how you look at it. A/N below. **

**

* * *

**

STRIPPED

I sat on the couch, looking at the black book. Its pages were calling me, taunting me, whispering to me that I needed to open them and look and read. Then again, maybe that was my subconscious going insane from the anxiety rising in my bones as I stared at the journal, wondering when it was going to walk up to me and scream.

I didn't want to read it. It didn't matter what was written in it, nothing could change now. There was also the fact that there was no excuse for him to leave. I had always wanted to know the reason and now it was staring at me, sitting on the polished brown surface, I didn't want to know.

It didn't matter, I continued telling myself. _It doesn't matter._

We were past that. I had forgiven him. I had a wedding tomorrow. I had to sleep. So I stood up and walked to my bedroom. The room was dark, but I could see Alice's silhouette lying on the left side of the bed – Jacob's side. I lay down beside her, trying my best not to disturb her sleep. She had spent the whole day trying to organize the last preparations for the wedding with my mom and I knew she needed her rest. I closed my eyes and waited for unconsciousness to come.

It didn't.

He left me on my wedding day. He called me to tell me he loved me that very morning and he left. If he loved me as much as he claimed, why the hell would he leave me? He betrayed me. He came to the wedding and watched me breakdown, and he didn't even have the decency to tell me in person. Although, considering the state I was in, I would have killed him there and then.

I needed to know.

All the thoughts swirling around in my mind began to claw my insides. What if he actually did cheat on me? What if something horrific happened that I couldn't take? What if I still wanted to kill him? What if it was better to stay ignorant of the whole situation surrounding why he left? It wasn't like it mattered now. But what if…?

_Screw this_, I thought. I needed to know. I wanted to know. I had a _right _to know.

I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. With a new found determination, I walked with a presumptuous boldness back into the living room and took my former spot on the couch.

It was just a friggin' book. How hard could it be to just read? How much damage could it cost?

I grabbed it from the table and turned to spread my legs over the armrest of the couch to get into a comfortable lying position. When I was sure I was comfortable enough, I opened the book and turned to the first page. At the bottom of the page was written:

_**Property of E. Cullen.**_

_**Do not open without permission and if found, contact the owner.**_

_**Please don't fuck with me.**_

_**November 18th, 2004.**_

_Journal Entry: Thoughts._

_Isabella Marie Cullen. Mrs. Isabella Cullen._

_Isabella's hair splayed across my pillows. Her laughter when I tease her. That cute fucking blush when I smile. Her moan when I kiss her. Her anger when I act like an asshole._

_The excitement when I proposed. The happiness I felt when I knew I was getting married to her. The sense of completeness when I knew she was officially going to be mine, when I knew she was going to have my name._

_The agony I saw in her eyes when Em told her I wasn't coming._

_The tears I saw on her face._

_The regret I felt._

I shut the journal with a clap and exhaled deeply. I was getting angrier by the minute. How the hell was I supposed to read this calmly if I was already getting livid at the first page? I ran a hand through my hair and tried to calm myself, before proceeding to read.

_**November 25th, 2004.**_

_Journal Entry: Feelings._

_I don't feel anything necessarily. I feel cold most of the time, but that's probably due to the weather. It's always cold here, much colder than Forks._

_I don't really do anything with my time either. I'm like a robot. A device that's driven on automatic. I repeat the same routine every day – go to work, make model houses, construct technical drawings, plan, listen to what people want to do with their homes – and then come back home. It's really like a cycle. But then, life's a cycle right?_

_I eat. Sometimes, I don't. I actually forget to eat. I'm not even sure I've eaten today. People do forget to eat, right?_

_I don't really watch TV, unless something devastating is happening in my area or if Tan comes over. She's always whining about how fucking quiet the house is._

_I like the silence. It's peaceful….sometimes._

_**December 25th, 2004.**_

_Journal Entry: Christmas._

_It's Christmas. I know this because my neighbors are celebrating by blasting Mariah Carey's fucking Christmas CD and shouting from the next apartment, and also because there are lights outside my window._

_I have this sudden sick urge to call. I even got an f-ing calling card. That's pretty much a step from last year. I want to call mom and find out how she's doing, and how everyone else is. But I also want to call _her _and find out how _she_ is doing. Shouldn't I at least know what the f. is going on with her? At least, find out if she's happy? If she's happy then maybe I'd stop thinking about her._

_Fuck it, I'm going to call. _

I paused, my fingers playing with the top edge of the page. I tried to recall if I got any call from him. I remembered waiting for some kind of contact from him, but I never got any. Maybe I missed it.

_I called. It rang four times and some fucking guy answered the phone. He was laughing when he picked it up. I thought maybe I dialed the wrong number – that was before I heard her laughter. Then she called him 'J baby' and told him to hurry up. I cut the call._

_I feel sick._

_She was with someone else already. Maybe I wasn't even that important to her that she's moved on already._

_I know I'm not supposed to expect anything. I wanted her to move on. I was hoping she'd move on. It has been 2 years, it would have been worse if I knew she wasn't happy._

_This was what I wanted._

_I guess I thought if she was sad, then I'd know that I was wrong and I'll come back._

_I just didn't think I'd be fucking sad over her happiness._

_Selfish. Very fucking selfish, Edward._

_**January, 2005.**_

_Journal Entry: _

_It's Wednesday, but then it might be Thursday. I'm not sure. I haven't bothered to check._

_Time seems to stand still. . It's f-ing amazing how another year has passed. The days are just so fucking slow. I keep wishing that I have a goal or something to look forward to, to help things speed up faster._

_The days don't matter. After all, it's just another year and the same fucking cycle._

_Insomnia makes it a lot harder. I can't seem to sleep, which makes everything worse because I don't do anything at night. I'm trapped with my thoughts as I count the hours till dawn. I've tried taking some pills but when they kick in, they bring nightmares. It doesn't happen all the time but it does happen._

_Alcohol helps fight the insomnia. My consumption of cigarettes has increased. Isabella would be so disappointed if she knew._

_I should stop thinking about her._

_I just…_

_**January 20th, 2005.**_

_Journal Entry: Stats_

_3 shots of Bacardi 151 rum._

_Jack Daniels._

_½ a pack of cigarettes._

_Couple valium (don't know the exact number)._

_**February, 2005.**_

_Journal Entry:_

_I got a promotion today. My boss said he was really proud of work I did for the Jeffersons. I didn't see what was so fucking special in it. It was just a computer model that I spent a few hours working on. Technically, it was the same thing I do every day just a different approach with visual applications._

_Anyway, I got a promotion so Daniel (jackass who works with me) decided he wanted to celebrate by taking me to dinner. He has been trying to get me to go out with him. I always decline. I detest company and also because he's a fucking moron most of the time. But I agreed because Charlotte said I needed to do something other than mope all day._

_I thought it was going to be a couple of colleagues, men, hanging around drinking beer._

_The fucker made it a double date._

_I can't even remember the last time I was on a date. A date that could actually be called a date, or a date I actually liked._

_The last date that keeps coming to my mind was a treat I had with Isabella. She claimed we had gotten boring. I claimed we were getting married. But she still wanted the gesture, so I decided to take her to see an old f-ing French movie. We had ice cream and walked all the way back home that night. It was fun._

I smiled when the memory crossed my mind. Edward had argued with me over and over again that we should go see a basket ball game, but I was really interested in seeing _Jules et Jim, _a romantic movie about how an Austrian and a Frenchman fell in love. I sighed, remembering how we walked under the moonlight and laughed about irrelevant things.

_However, the lady – Daniel had introduced me to – was hardly holding my interest._

_You don't converse with people you have no interest of taking the next step with. She was nice but just not _it.

_Words are building blocks for lovers. I don't want one._

_**March 4th, 2005.**_

_Journal Entry:_

_Today is Mom's birthday. Yesterday was dad's. I called the house. No one answered. I figured they were out._

_Carlisle was probably in some restaurant renewing his vows again as her birthday gift or something cheesy._

_I'll try again later. Or maybe not._

_**April, 2005.**_

_Journal Entry:_

_I met a girl today at the pub._

_She had my Isabella's hair or something like it, a pale imitation in comparison. Actually I thought she was Isabella, which must be really fucking stupid because Isabella's in Forks and I'm in Canada. We're so far apart. So I should definitely not be seeing her here, in Toronto._

_But in this sick, fucked up way, I thought it was her. I felt ecstatic and really crazy as I approached her. I wasn't even sure what I was going to say, or what I even wanted to say._

_It wasn't her. _

_I was disappointed._

_I wanted to leave but the girl kept showing me her f'king teeth. So I decided to be nice and strike a conversation with her, telling her that I was sorry but I thought she was someone else. Apparently, either she didn't understand English or she decided to ignore it when she held my hand. Sometimes people just don't get the fucking idea._

_No means no. How hard could that be?_

_I was about to leave when Tan showed up._

_I miss her, I really fucking miss her. But I can't go back home. She wouldn't even want me back with or without the knowledge._

My patience was waning. I needed to know what he was talking about. With or without the knowledge of what? I considered skipping just to find out, but I knew he wanted me to read the whole journal.

_**June 12th, 2005.**_

_Journal Entry:_

_It's my birthday today. Tanya got me a shisha pipe and a shirt. I should get her something for her birthday this year._

_I feel like shit._

_I can't even remember what it feels like to be happy._

_I'm probably feeling sentimental because I smoked weed a couple of hours ago and the feeling of peacefulness has evaporated completely. The thrilling, the head rush is gone and now I'm stuck with reality and dread._

_I should have paid more attention._

_I should have told her everything. She would have rejected me. But I should have still told her._

_I should have never left._

_**August, 2005.**_

_Journal Entry:_

_I'm a monster. I take and take and that's all I really do. I don't give anything back._

_These days I don't even want to give anything back. Just take._

_I'm looking at the fucking disaster I created in my apartment. It looks like a hurricane passed through it. I wish sometimes we would actually think while we are creating the mess. It's pretty fucking hard to clean up._

_I don't f'cking care. I know she wants more. Or maybe she thinks she wants more. Maybe she's just finding an escape as I am. Maybe we're just using each other to forget._

_I don't call her name when I come._

_I just want the escape, the relief. I'm too bothered to care who gives it to me, or if the person is receiving it. The sex makes me forget everything I am, everything I've done. For a second, I forget all my fucking mistakes._

_I'm no longer Edward Cullen. Hell, I have no fucking clue who he is. I'm anonymous. She's nameless. We're both fucking strangers. She's not my lover, not my fiancée, not my future._

_I don't care. I'm numb._

_When I'm inside her, for those few intensified minutes, I don't remember a thing. But it always ends, and when it does, my spirit comes back into my body and I feel the loss._

_I feel the sadness, the pain. I feel every f'king thing. And it feels like a huge weight is crashing on me. An emotion passes through her eyes before the look of ecstasy washes off._

_And then I remember. I feel dead, I feel horrible. I am not that different from James._

_I'm a callous fucker but that's okay because I have no heart. I'm supposed to feel this way because my heart is somewhere still in Forks…hating me._

_So I take and take and then I take some more._

I dropped the book on the table with a smack. I couldn't take it anymore. My head was spinning through a mosaic of emotions. Disgust was the most prevalent one, which finally transformed into hurt. It didn't matter that I wasn't his fiancée anymore. It didn't matter if we were separated. He caused this. It was his entire fault.

I held my head in my hands, gliding my fingers though the tresses. I didn't know if I could continue reading. I had almost gotten half way through the journal, and I still hadn't found what I was looking for or what his problem was.

I stood up and walked into the kitchen to get myself a glass of orange juice. Even the cold drink could quench the dread, hurt, jealousy and anger coursing through me. I wondered how he could make me feel a wide spectrum of emotions all in one moment, and the bastard wasn't even around.

I braced myself and walked back to the couch where the book waited for me with its pages open. I swallowed and turned back to the page I had stopped.

_**August, 2005.**_

_Journal Entry:_

_Charlotte has deduced that I'm using sex as an analgesic to hide away from myself. Well, she's right._

_She said I'm covering the pain and I have to open up so it will go away. What she doesn't know is that I don't want it to go._

_The pain is something that I have left from our past. The pain reminds me about _her_._

_She says I'm afraid to confront myself of what exactly happened, and when I do, I'll move on._

_I don't want to move on. I don't want to forget. I don't want to lose this feeling. If I do, then I'll be empty. The pain removes the loneliness._

_**September, 2005.**_

_Journal Entry:_

_I used to believe in planning. Planning, laying down a foundation, a structure, looking ahead. If you plan something, then there's no room for surprises. I'm not really a big fan of surprises._

_If you plan, you could even predict the fucking future._

_It's what I've always done since I was a kid. Everything has a plan. It has a beginning and an end._

_I construct, I build and I harvest._

_I set a goal, place in hard work and receive my expectations._

_I knew exactly what I wanted. I knew who exactly I wanted. Everything fell into place nicely._

_Everything except Eric. That was an imbalance. A small mistake. A minor slip that created a fucking glitch that I missed. The scales of perfection blurred and I was lost in it._

_I've never been able to deal well with failure._

_If I couldn't build that one thing right, if there was a crack already, how could I provide what she wanted? She had so much hope for me. In her eyes, I was the planner, the provider, the protector, the caretaker. She never really cared for plans or structures or even fucking foundations. I did. It was my job._

_How could she see this flaw, this imperfection and still want me? How could she know what I had done, what I had caused and still want me? I wouldn't even want me._

_I couldn't give her what she wanted. What if it all fell apart like the one that wasn't mine? I couldn't destroy her that way. I couldn't hurt her the way I hurt Jessica._

_She wouldn't really want to be married to someone who's a fucking…_

He didn't continue. I turned to the next page and found out it was just a different entry. He left me to wonder and imagine what he could have possibly been talking about. The next few pages didn't mention Jessica or Eric either.

_**October, 2005.**_

_Journal Entry:_

_Sleep._

_It's relaxing not to think or feel. Sleep does that. You don't expend so much fucking energy just to not feel. With alcohol, there's always the aftermath of a hangover. With sex, it's the regret and rush of feelings afterward. That's always the same with weed; the temporary euphoric feeling dies down quickly._

_But sleep is a state of nothingness._

_Sleep – when it comes freely – is like heaven. Paradise._

_Hell is when you sleep and have a nightmare._

_The nightmares make it unbearable. They seem so real. At first, it starts with Jessica. Then it changes to Isabella. Then she's crying and there's a lot of coke on the table. I'm wondering what the fuck is going on, because I know Isabella doesn't do coke. Then there's that piercing scream, and that's when I wake up._

_And I can't sleep anymore._

_Then the shitty feeling starts coming back._

_**November, 2005.**_

_Journal Entry:_

_Today I finally had a breakthrough, according to Charlotte. I told her. I told her everything, and tried as much as possible not to omit or stop. I let it all out. She seemed pleased. She even gave me candy at the end, I'm not really fucking sure what to make of that but yeah._

_I was a little hesitant at the beginning. I didn't want to see the judgment in her eyes, the disapproval and disappointment. She told me she had met crazier patients before compared to my case and encouraged me to go on. She said that nothing I was about to say was going to shock her. And surprisingly, it didn't._

_She didn't look at me like I was a very horrible motherfucker. She didn't look at me like she had lost all her respect for me. She didn't look at me like I was a disgusting person._

_She simply listened. I wondered if she was only doing that because I was paying her. Paying her not to pass judgment. I wondered what she truly thought of me, and I asked her._

_She told me that sometimes, people make mistakes. Sometimes, we lose the track of our direction and follow something else, and it's good because that's how we learn and truly value what we have._

_She was right. I felt weightless. I felt light, knowing that someone else knew and didn't think of me the way I thought of myself. Maybe if she understood, Isabella could understand._

_Or maybe not. I hurt Isabella. There was a difference._

… _Sometimes I can still see her crying._

I continued reading the journal. After his breakthrough entry, he seemed less distressed. The pages became less emotional and aggressive. Sometimes, he didn't write anything for a few months. The entries were either work related, or about how his day went, or about Tanya. He never really spoke about her, just mentioned her a few times. I was a little curious about their relationship. I knew they weren't exclusive. There was even an entry that mentioned she was dating a guy for some time.

Each page exposed all the insides behind Edward Cullen's veneer. I already understood him, but I got more insight to his personality in these entries.

_**July 29th, 2009.**_

_Journal Entry:_

_I'm leaving for Forks tomorrow. I'm too fucking keyed up to sleep. I haven't been home since six years ago._

_Tanya has decided to come. She says she's looking for something new and different to do with her life._

_I told her if she couldn't find it in Canada, she would definitely not find it in Forks._

_I'm going back home tomorrow._

_**August, 2009.**_

_Journal Entry:_

_I saw her today. I saw Isabella today. And no, not a fucking illusion. I actually saw her today._

_She looked so beautiful, and I just stood there gazing at her like a fucking moron. I was so surprised. I had planned to look for her, to see her, to talk to her. But at that moment, I forgot everything else._

_I didn't know I was going to bump into her today._

_It was as if we hadn't been separated for six years. As usual, she was carrying a book which I had knocked in the process when we bumped into each other._

_When I bent to pick it up, I caught sight of the shiny, fucking halo on her finger. I was so fucking shocked that it took me a while to notice that she was asking for her book back._

_Fuck, she's engaged. She's fucking engaged. I'm too late._

_Journal Entry__:_

_I met her at Starbucks today._

_She was still wearing the fucking ring, and she was flaunting it for me to see._

_I wonder what she did with my ring._

_She's not going to forgive me. I hurt her too much._

_She's getting married, dumbass._

_Journal Entry:_

_I'd been avoiding Emmett since I got back. So today, I went to visit him. He was so surprised to see me. After about five seconds of realizing that it was really me, he hugged me and started asking all sorts of questions. And then he punched my face. Fucking idiot._

_After all these years, his punch still feels like I'm being rammed with an f-ing brick._

_I'm going out with the boys tonight. Having a poker evening, just like old times._

I took a bathroom break and got myself more juice, then continued reading up until the point where I finally came across what I was looking for. I knew this because it was the last page, and it was addressed to me.

_Journal Entry:_

_My Isabella,_

_I wasn't sure if I wanted you to read this. Hell, I wasn't sure if you would even continue reading to this point. But if you're reading this now, it means I finally had the courage to tell you._

I sat up immediately and dropped the glass of juice on the table with a knock. The anticipation and the fear made my heartbeat double in my chest. I could hear it pound in my ears as I continued.

_I should tell you this. I should tell you verbally and not write it. I tried to tell you, but it wasn't coming out right. There were so many interruptions and I wasn't confident I could look at you while you heard it. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to continue if I saw whatever you're going to feel as you read._

_I fucked up; you must have already known this if you read all the pages of this book._

_James is a rascal. I love him because he's family, but he's not a good guy, which I think is quite fucking contradictory because neither am I._

_James…when he sees something he likes it, he goes after it. He doesn't usually stop until he gets it, and when he does, he doesn't care if he hurts the person. He's a bit dangerous in that aspect._

_I know you've only met on a few occasions, but he's a pretty fucking cad. I never really cared that much. Well, I cared once when he was a dating a girl that I felt wasn't kind of his type. But he never changes. He never listens and he enjoys hurting people in various ways._

_He was…well, he was attracted to you. The first time you met him was at one of mom's family dinners. I'm not sure if you remember. I didn't know he was going to be there because he had told his dad, Uncle Aro that he couldn't make it at the time. Maybe if I knew, I wouldn't have invited you._

_Everyone in the family knew how I felt about you, including James. He knew who you were but he had never really paid attention to you because we hadn't decided to become…well, I hadn't told you about my feelings yet. He knew you were important to me but he didn't know if you returned those same feelings for me._

_When he finally figured out we were a serious couple, he became intrigued by the girl who everyone in the family was talking about. And when he saw you, he was determined to get you._

_He said he was attracted to you. At first, I thought he was fucking joking because he knew you were my girlfriend. But he was serious behind his laughter. He believed since we were family, he was supposed to have his _'share' _as he called it. Of course, I was fucking pissed off so we got into a fight. That only riled him up._

_I thought he would forget you and that maybe it was just the alcohol talking but he never did. He became set on you, always calling your name, taunting me and not in the usual 'my cousin has a girlfriend' way. I was a bit worried he was becoming obsessed. You weren't available to him, plus you knew nothing about his attraction. I wasn't sure if you caught anything…strange but he seemed a bit pushy._

_I didn't trust him, and I didn't know if he was going to do something fucked up. So I decided to take his eyes off you by distracting him with someone else. I agree it was horrible for me to do that, but it was an idea that came on impulse when Jessica saw him one day and thought he was cute._

_I decided to introduce them._

_It worked for a while. In fact, I thought maybe by some miracle, he had changed for her. He seemed smitten by her and forgot about you, which made me feel comfortable. On the other hand, she liked him too._

_Then she became pregnant. James told me about this and how he wanted her to get rid of the baby but she refused. I convinced him to stay with her for a while, thinking that maybe a child would loosen him up._

_I wasn't sure what I wanted him to see. Maybe that there was more to his fucked up lifestyle? I don't know. Jessica lost contact with her parents once they heard she was pregnant. So she moved in with James._

_I thought everything was fine and he was ready to settle down. He wasn't. He wasn't even close._

_After a couple of months that the baby (Eric) was born, he kicked her out. That's when I met her on the road. She told me she didn't have a place to stay for the night, and it was raining and it was dark and she was carrying a child so I found a place for her._

_I didn't think it was a big deal. I thought she was staying a couple of nights, because she had told me she was moving in with her aunt in Phoenix and I didn't have to worry. I was disgusted with my cousin and I talked to him but he wouldn't listen._

_Her aunt was hesitant on taking in both of them when her sister and her husband refused to care for them. Considering this was my fault in the first place, I did introduce her to James, I decided to take responsibility._

_It was just for a short while, until I could find an alternative. She said she just needed me to help her get back on her feet. But she became lonely. She kept seeking someone's attention. And that's when she started doing coke._

_I should have paid more attention but I had something else to focus on. I was getting fucking married and all my thoughts were too occupied to notice that she was…_

_She started to forget things. A lot of things. I thought it was because she was depressed. I didn't want to consult the problem. I didn't have time to do that._

_One day, I went to visit her. She was on the couch and there was coke spread on the table. She…_

_She started coming on to me, but I fucking swear I didn't do anything. I realized I didn't see any sign of Eric anywhere and I didn't hear him. When I asked her, she said she thought he was in the living room. She couldn't remember where she had kept him._

_I got really pissed off. I was fucking mad. How the fuck could she have misplaced her own child? I started shouting – that seemed to shake her up a bit and she remembered she left him in the car._

_In the fucking car! It was like winter and she left the baby in the car. I was furious. I rushed outside to get Eric, but there was no heat in the car and the blankets wrapped around him were not enough to fight off the cold._

_Eric couldn't. He died._

_I lost a kid, a kid that wasn't mine. A child that was under my care. I could have prevented this. I knew she was doing drugs. I should have known that she wasn't suitable enough to take care of Eric. I could have been able to save him but I didn't. I threw excess money at the problem, hoping it would solve the situation, hoping she would use it until she could stand on her own but she used it on something else. _

_I should have told you. I know I should have. I just, I didn't know if you'd accept what had happened when I couldn't. I thought you'd leave. I thought you wouldn't be able to handle it._

_The night before our wedding, when I was supposed to be having my bachelor's party and you girls came to crash it because Jasper spent on something else instead of hiring strippers, you said something while you were drunk._

_I'm not even f-ing sure if you remember what you said. You were so happy and drunk. Alice asked you how it felt to have your wedding the next day and you answered that you couldn't think of anything more wonderful than that. She told you babies were next and asked if you had started considering that. You told her that it was too early to start thinking of children._

_Emmett joked that I couldn't take care of myself, so there was no way I could take care of a child._

_You responded with a smile that 'having a child and taking care of it was a sacred trust, and you couldn't imagine anyone more _perfect _than _me _to raise a child with'._

_I felt unworthy. I felt unworthy of your love, your happiness. I felt like a pretender. I didn't deserve you. I never deserved you. I couldn't even tell you the goddamn truth._

_I called you that morning to tell you I loved you. I wasn't having doubts about how I felt about you. I was having doubts because you needed to know the truth before I married you. You needed to know what I had done. I thought I could tell you before I left but I couldn't. I was so fucking scared._

_I was having doubts about what you would do when you knew._

_I thought it would be better for you to think I left without a reason, that I was just an idiot than for you to know what happened. I thought nothing was better than everything._

_I came to the wedding to see you. I stayed in my car and watched you fall apart, not because I derived pleasure from it but because if I saw what I caused you, I would remember why I had to leave. I would know why I couldn't come back. It wasn't because I wanted to act like an ass._

_I know apologies won't obliterate this. I wish there was something I could do. Some way I could erase this, but I can't. I hurt you. I hurt you a lot. I'm still hurting you. I know this. I know you might never be able to forgive me. But I'm still going to ask for it even though it may be futile._

_I loved you. I love you. I will always love you._

I smacked the book on the table, but the force of it couldn't expel the anger from my chest. I wanted to scream. I threw the book with an even stronger force onto the floor, hoping for that relief that came after you let go of your anger. It wasn't there.

I was mad. I was livid. I was very, very livid.

Tears blurred my vision. I stood, picked up the journal and threw it toward the fridge. It hit its destined spot and fell to the floor. I wanted to break something. I wanted to inflict pain on something. I wanted to pour my anger, cast out this ball of fury choking my chest, into something. Something that could feel it. Something that could hurt. Something that was not inanimate. Something very much alive. A human.

Edward Cullen. He was going to get it, down to the last straw.

I walked into my room and put on my sweater, zipping it in rage. I wore my winter jacket, picked up my handbag and my keys and left my apartment. I didn't even flinch as the gust of cold wind bit into my face. It was snowing heavily; the streets were covered in white flakes of snow. I flagged a cab and told the driver where I was going to. He tried to make small talk with me on the way. I understood why people couldn't sense when you just didn't want to talk. If he decided to utter just another word, I would have made sure I killed both of us.

"It's snowing so much. I wonder whether they'll have a–" The cab driver continued his chatter about the weather as I cut him off rudely.

"Could you…could you just please shut the fuck up and drive like you're supposed to." I snarled from the back as his eyes met mine through the rearview mirror. I wasn't sure what he saw there, but he became mute all the way to Edward's building.

I didn't even wait for him to count the money as I threw a couple of dollars to the front seat and leapt out of the car. A guy was walking out of the building and I quickly rushed through it, ignoring the concierge's protests. Luck was on my side today because the elevators opened as I pressed the button.

Anger was coursing through my veins, pumping in my blood, making my heart bang loudly as the elevator escalated and passed each floor. The doors opened, and I didn't think I could get out of it faster enough. I walked towards his door and knocked loudly, not even caring for a second that his neighbors would be disturbed.

"Hold your fuckin' horses, I'm coming." I heard his voice from the other side of the door before he opened it.

He was wearing a white wife beater, which clung to his torso and displayed his muscular arms, and a pair of blue faded jeans with bare feet. The look on his face immediately took a dazed expression when he saw me.

He wasn't expecting me. Good.

"YOU BASTARD!" I screamed as my right hand flew to slap his face. I was so furious that I didn't register that I had just slapped him. I was too infuriated to stop the second slap that I gave. My hand stung as he closed his eyes and grimaced at the pain.

He stepped back, looking even more shocked than he was when he greeted me. I hit him with my handbag continuously as I screamed nonsensical things that my own ears couldn't make sense of.

"I was dressed in white, completely embarrassed in front of the whole church. You didn't show. You didn't have the guts to tell me. Years and years I thought it was because of me. That it was my fault. That I was the fucking problem and you…_You_!" My whole face twisted in anger. _"You didn't TELL ME! _ME!" I shrieked as tears flooded my eyes.

"I know." His voice cracked.

I mopped my face with both hands and held a fistful of hair in my hand as my agitated energy began to diminish. "You can't do this!" I tried to breathe as the haze of anger faded into pain. I thought that when I had poured it all out on him, I would feel complacent, but all I felt was grief. He looked so pale. "You can't make me feel sorry for you. I can't feel sorry for you."

There was a strain etched in his face and sadness danced in his green eyes. "It's your fault! You did this. Not me."

Edward stepped toward me and took my face in his hands, his fingers wiping my tears away. In one swift moment, his mouth came down hard and voracious against mine. The force with which he pressed my lips apart caused me to succumb and fully open my mouth. His tongue thrust in, the taste of him making me moan as he held my head and angled it so he could get deeper.

He stopped kissing me and took a step backward. His eyes were dark, primal and blazing with lust. The heated look he was giving me made my skin prickle. I pushed him toward the door and attacked him, my lips coaxing his apart. The anger and hurt mingled with desire as he pushed me forcefully toward the door.

The door shut as my back slammed against it. A low, feral sound escaped his mouth as he pinned his weight on my body. The mixture of rampant feelings blurred as our mouths expelled all of them in a ruthless kiss. Noses bumped into each other and teeth clashed as our tongues fought to wrap around each other in a frenzied state.

I could feel the tension flowing through him as my hands drove into his hair and tugged the strands. He growled and I felt his cock slam into my stomach. My body shuddered as his lips descended down my neck, planting open mouthed kisses.

He spread my legs apart as his knee pushed against the door and rested between my thighs so I sat on his knee. My head tilted back as his nose ran across the length of my neck, his breath sending tingles down my spine. His frantic fingers fought with the zipper of my winter jacket, and I arched away from the door so he could take it off.

"Fuck," he breathed on my neck as he struggled with the zipper of my sweater. "Excuse me," he said, ripping off the sweater and tearing the zip in haste. His hands pulled my hips forward and made my jean covered clit graze his knee.

He shoved my t-shirt upward and passed it over my head. His lips devoured mine as he grabbed my backside and ground me against his knee. The friction caused my legs to quiver as his tongue savagely explored my mouth. His left hand caressed the side of my stomach as the other rocked me against his knee.

The wild onslaught sensation of my clit grinding against his knee ripped a moan from me. I grabbed his shirt and dragged it roughly, breaking the kiss to pull it over his head. My fingernails dug into his arms as his hand slid into my bra and groped my breast. My back slid against the door and he pushed his knee upward to stop me from falling.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and pushed him backward as hard as I could until his back hit the wall on the opposite side of the door. This was about me, not him. This was my relief, not his. I wanted to prove that I was the only one who had control over him, not Jessica, not Tanya and not any other forsaken blondes or brunette look alike. I was so angry that he kept this huge secret from me. I was his best friend, his girl friend, his fiancée, his everything.

I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I wanted to hurt him badly. I pressed my lips hard against his and even bit him in the process as I dipped my tongue into his mouth, sucking on his tongue harshly. The secrets, the betrayal, the loss, the longing, the pain, the embarrassment, the tears, the rage – all of it – mixed with raw desire and hunger lashed out as I kissed him.

Edward's hands ran down the length of my back as he pushed me closer to him. His tongue stroked mine as I wound my arms around his neck and dug my fingers into the roots of his hair, inclining his head to get a better angle.

He leaned away from the door and held my waist tightly as he began to move us further down the hallway. He undid the clasp of my bra and removed the straps, kissing my bare shoulders. I closed my eyes, my nails gliding across his chest to the buckle of his jean.

He almost tripped on something; I think it was a box while I grabbed his hard erection, tracing the outline. He groaned, carrying me into the living room. His knee dropped to the floor as he slowly and carefully placed me to lie on the carpet. My bra dangled over my chest, my hands continued threading through his hair.

He put his tongue back into my mouth as our bodies melted into each other. My skin felt on fire. His hands were on me, all over, touching, teasing while his tongue tasted and licked trails from my neck to my chest to my breasts.

I was panting as he swirled his tongue around my nipple, the sensation making me feel dizzy.

"_You've never ridden a bike before?" Jacob gawked at me with disbelief, as if I had just told him I had two heads when I was younger._

"_No, my dad says they're dangerous." I shrugged, folding my arms around my chest as he got on his black motorcycle._

Tremors racked my body as he sucked my nipple in his mouth, his teeth grazing slightly over the peak.

"_Wait, you want me to ride without a helmet?" I looked at him incredulously. Had he lost his mind?_

"_Yes, the breeze will help you loosen up a little." He ruffled my hair as the corners of his lips fought a smile._

Edward's fingers pressed hard against my jeans. My whole body shivered as his teeth raked along my stomach.

"_Why do you get to wear the helmet?"_

"_Because I don't have that much hair." He replied simply as I rolled my eyes._

He unzipped my jeans and I felt his fingers stroking me against my damp underwear.

"_Come on, live a little." He smiled. The sight of it made something warm the insides of my chest._

"_Now wrap your arms around my chest," he said, guiding me on how to sit on the monstrous power bike. "Don't put your feet on the exhaust."_

I felt his tongue wickedly lick me through my underwear. I bucked at the feeling of it. Touching, licking, sucking, biting, I was going to explode.

"_Where are we going?" I asked, trying to get used to the feeling of wrapping my hands around someone._

"_I'll go anywhere your heart tells me to go." He winked at me as he started the bike. And soon we were off on the highway, the exhilarating breeze passing through my hair._

My thighs closed around his neck, my body aching with the tremendous satisfaction that was balancing on the edge, the delicious pleasure rising goosebumps on my flesh.

"_You can't drive me away, Bella. You can't do anything that will make me run away from you." He said as I stared into his eyes._

"Stop!" I panted. "Stop, please stop." The tears began to spill from my eyes and drop to the carpet. I couldn't do this.

Edward stopped immediately with a horrific expression plastered on his face. "Fuck, did I do anything? Did I – did I hurt you?" He asked as I shook my head continuously. Once he realized the reason, he pulled me away from me to lie down beside me.

We both stared at the ceiling, our chests rising and falling with each breath. The silence was deafening as I placed my bra to cover my breast.

"I'm sorry." He said. "I didn't mean to–" he sighed and I heard him take a deep breath. "I didn't want to – I wasn't thinking. I just–" He continued tripping over his words.

"It's okay. I was the one who kissed you back." I murmured as I turned my back on him and faced the artificial fireplace glowing with fire.

I heard him get up and walk out of the living room. I stared at the fireplace for a while before sitting up and clasping the hook of my bra. It was then I noticed the state of his apartment. Everything was on the floor, there were boxes crowding the end of the hallway. Books, folders, personal items – all of it was neatly placed by each box that it was supposed to fit in. I heard something small hit a wall, but ignored it.

I walked back to the main door to pick up my shirt and throw it on before walking into his room. His bed had been stripped. His clothes were neatly folded and piled on top of it. He was sitting on the other side of the bed, facing the window when I walked in.

"Are you leaving?" I asked, noticing that his wardrobe was empty.

"Yes." He answered without looking up.

"Why?"

"Because I have to." He ran his hands through his hair.

I felt a pang of sadness at his reply and walked to the bed. I sat on the opposite side with my back facing his, staring at the bed lamp. A heavy weight of silence and unexpressed feelings hung over the air as both of us were left in our thoughts.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked after a while.

"Tell you what?" I heard him stand up from the bed and walk toward the bathroom.

I swallowed as he bent down to pick up a silver box that looked like it was for a ring but I wasn't sure. He quickly threw it into an open suitcase that already had some things packed into it. He turned to look at me with a levitated brow, reminding me that I had asked a question.

_That you are leaving. That you left because you couldn't tell me something that was important. That you had a cousin who was obsessed with me. That Jessica lost her child._

"About James, Jessica and Eric." I replied as I watched an emotion flicker over his face. It was quickly replaced with a hardened look.

"Because I thought what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you. Of course I was fucking wrong in that aspect," he said, picking up an empty box placing his clothes into it. He sighed. "I didn't tell you everything because I was afraid of what you might think of me," he said softly.

"Edward, I thought many things of you when you left; so this didn't really make a difference. You could have told me and I could have–"

"You could have what Isabella?" He turned to me sharply, but it was pain evident on his face, not anger. "If you had found out would you have still married me? Tell me, would you?"

The question ran through my mind and before I could give him an answer, he said. "The truth is, you wouldn't."

I remembered something from his journal and decided to retort back. "You think that I expect excellence from you. You think that everything must be friggin' perfect, what you don't know is that I don't need your perfection Edward. I never cared for it. I never asked for it. You've always been this way since you were a kid, everything must reach the highest standard for you."

_Sometimes, you just don't understand that you're human and we all have flaws._

_And if you had told me, I wouldn't have married you right away, but I would have known and that would have made a difference._

"I want perfection because that's what I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be perfect for you."

"So if that's the case, do you expect the same from me? Do you expect me, in turn, to be perfect for you?"

"No, because I love you the way you are."

"Then why can't you see that–" I quickly stopped myself before I could continue with the line 'I love you the way you are.'

"I didn't want you to settle for less. If there was someone else better than me, someone who wouldn't hurt you, someone who could give you exactly what you wanted…" he trailed off.

_Edward, all I've always wanted was you, just you. Nothing more, nothing less. Just you._

"And now?"

"I don't care." He said; his eyes boring through mine. "I want to be that person. The person who gives you more. I don't deserve to be, but fuck, if I don't want to try. I want to fucking die trying than to never try at all. I want to be the fucking prince charming who sweeps you off your feet."

I looked away from his gaze. It seemed as if we hadn't reached the same level of maturity in the scale of love, if there was one. Although, we both loved each other, he hadn't fully acknowledged the fact that love came without boundaries and expectations. And it took him this long to figure it out, when it was too late. Perhaps everyone was right after all. Maybe we as a couple weren't fully mature enough to know what we were getting into.

For a minute, I wondered how our life would have been if we had taken that step. I quickly shoved the thoughts to the back of my mind.

"Anyway, it doesn't matter now. You're getting married tomorrow." He said, returning back to his clothes.

We both stayed silent as he continued packing.

"What happened to Jessica?" I asked, fidgeting with my shirt.

"I think she's back with her aunt. I don't know. When I left, I left everything behind."

"Edward, I want you to know that I don't think what happened with Jessica and Eric is your fault. You couldn't have known what she was using the money for. You had other responsibilities, you couldn't fix everything and surely in the end, something had to suffer. Everything else that happened after was your fault but _this_, this you had no control over." I said sincerely, hoping that he would let go of the guilt. His therapist might have helped him understand that mistakes were made, but he had to let it go by himself. No one could do that for him. He kept quiet, but I knew he had heard me. "Who else knows?"

"Mom, she probably told dad. I wanted to tell you first before I told everyone else." He shut the luggage and put it on the floor.

"What about Esme? Does she know you're leaving?"

"Yes, my parents know I'm leaving."

"And Emmett and Jasper?"

"I called them this evening when I came back from the park."

"When were you going to tell me?" I asked, feeling hurt that I was the last person he wanted to tell when I should have been the first.

"Tomorrow at the wedding."

"You weren't going to allow me say goodbye?"

"I was. I just…" His forehead creased. "I thought it would be easier this way. I didn't want you to be bothered before the wedding."

"But you gave me the journal tonight, before the wedding."

"I guess I didn't think that through either," He said, throwing more stuff into a suitcase.

"When is your flight?"

"Twelve-thirty."

"Oh," I said. That time was half way into the wedding. I would have been at the reception by then.

"You said you were having troubles writing your wedding vows," he sat on the bed, sorting through a bunch of documents on his bedside table at the opposite end. "Have you figured it out yet?" he asked, his eyes still fixed on what he was doing.

"No." I replied.

"I could help with that."

I was puzzled as to why he would offer, so I asked. "Why?"

"Because I was once your best friend, Isabella. And I'd like to think I still am, unless you want to rid me of that too." He laughed.

I closed my eyes at the sound and grasped the edge of the bed as a wave of emotions threatened to drown me. "I'm only kidding Isabella," he added, and for a moment I thought I heard him whisper it in my ears, the sound sent a tingle up my spine. However, when I glanced in his direction he was still sitting on his spot. He had stopped arranging the documents though.

"I can't tell you what to write. I can only give an example and explain things a little," he said, drawing a deep breath. "A wedding vow is a promise. It's a type of promise that should never be broken even if all other promises are. It's a promise made between two lovers to secure their love with each other."

I closed my eyes and relaxed. My mind wandered to the church. I was dressed in a white gown, standing at the altar with him in a black, pristine suit. He gave me a dazzling smile and then took my right hand in his two hands affectionately. I smiled.

"Aristotle said that love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. I believe that marriage is a communion of two hearts, two souls and two bodies to form one being. I am here Isabella Marie Swan to offer you every fucking thing I have. My heart, my body and my soul. Because after this day, we're going to be one being.

_For better or worse…_

"And when the whole world is crashing around us in chaos, it will be the both of us. When all material things fade away, it will be just you and I. When everything falls apart, I will only see you because you're all that matters.

_In sickness and in health…_

"My body is yours and yours is mine. Anywhere I go, I'll carry you with me. If you're sick, I'm sick too. If you're hurt, every fiber of my being is hurt. If you fall, I fall too. No one can ever touch my body apart from you." He took my finger and held the ring. "With this ring, I belong to you in every way. With this ring, you own every part of me. With this ring, my identity is yours. I am yours and you, mine. Till death do us part." He slid the ring on my finger.

My eyes opened and I found myself still in his room. I cleared my throat, the sadness scorching it. I noticed he still hadn't moved from his spot. A tear drop slid down my cheek and I wiped it with the back of my hand.

"Thank you." I whispered, standing up from the bed. "So I'll see you at the wedding?" I said, not bothering to disguise my hope as I turned back to look at him, my hand resting on the knob of the door.

"Yes."

And just when I was about to leave, he added. "I left you for six years and came back. You're leaving me for a fucking lifetime and never coming back." I thought I felt my heart drop a few steps down in my chest. "Please. Don't. Leave." He said in a strained tone.

I didn't reply as I walked away from his room. I picked up my winter jacket and left his place. I saw a couple of women laughing as they entered an apartment close to Edward's own. I didn't even pay attention as I entered the elevator and raced out of the building.

I had to get home because tomorrow I would wake up and become Mrs. Black.

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A/N: Thank you all for reading and for the amazing reviews that blew me away last chapter. Sorry for making you wait; hope this was worth it.

**Thanks to my boss – Kuntrygal, my lover – Mrs Boyscout, my fic wife – Halli Black, Ericastwilight, Beate73 and everyone else on my Gchat list who shared their opinions. **

**Ladies on the thread, I'm all yours. **

**I started reading an awesome AU story called Set In Stone (under favorites). Edward is a gargoyle and it's very cool. Check it out and leave your thoughts. **

**And now you know everything...The prologue is just one page away. See you at the wedding. **

**Let me know what you think.**


	18. Petals Turn to Stone

**Thank you all so much for reading and the response to last chapter made me so, so happy. Thanks for your patience. **

**I want to thank my two beautiful, lovely ladies – Kuntrygal and MrsBoyscout for all their help in making this look good. Without the both of them, this would have been a complete disaster. **

**DISCLAIMER: I own **_**nothing**_**. **

**I think **_**Congratulations **_**by Blue October _perfectly _describes E&B's feelings in this chapter. **

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**~ Petals Turn to Stone ~**

I heard the curtain hook drag along the iron rail before the rays of the morning sun sliced through the room. The light rays struck my eyelids like daggers, causing my eyes to open. A headache accompanied the brightness as my eyes squinted at the image of Alice, shouting on the phone. She was wearing a purple bathrobe and her face was caked with a mask of some blue substance. The short black strands of her hair were curled and pinned to her head with small hair rollers.

"…yes well, how was I supposed to know that? I'm not a fucking psychic. I've woken her up," she said, her head half-rotating to my direction. "Get your ass off the bed. We're behind schedule!"

I shut my eyes tightly and opened them again. The exhaustion weighed heavily in my bones and my face felt dry. I wasn't sure how many hours of sleep I'd had, but it felt as if I had only slept for a few minutes. I hugged my pillow and prayed that Alice didn't try to disturb me again.

That was quickly unanswered as she dragged the bedcover from my body. "Did you drink last night? I swear to all that's holy, if you did, I'm beating the shit out of you today!" she shouted. "Today's your wedding day. Wake. The. Fuck. Up."

My eyes flashed open at once, as her words entered my mind and rang a bell, effectively waking me up from sleep. I was getting married to Jacob Black today. Today was my wedding day, the day I had spent time and energy preparing for. The day I was going to be a wife, and wear that special wedding band, marking me as a married woman. Marking me as a Black. Erasing me from the bachelorette list. Replacing my identity with one altered by someone else's.

Today was also the day that Edward was leaving. Somehow being locked in my haze of unconsciousness, I had forgotten the other significance of this day.

Alice finished talking on her cell phone and tossed it on the bed, before walking toward the dressing table. "You need to take a shower quickly. I need to do your hair and makeup. Rose has gone to get the dress, and your mom will be here any minute now."

I stood up swiftly. My body ached as my bare feet made contact with the floor. I walked into the bathroom and brushed my teeth while I looked in the mirror. My reflection stared back at me with tear–stained cheeks. I jumped into the shower, grimacing as the cold water sprayed on my body before it heated up. The hot water cascaded down my skin and awakened all my dead nerves. I ran my hands through my hair as it was doused with water.

Memories of last night invaded my mind. I felt relief at the knowledge that Edward never had a sexual relationship with Jessica, and also that he wasn't the father of her child. But that couldn't placate the feeling of betrayal that surrounded his decisions. We were best friends and we were getting married. He should have told me. And now his secrecy had created a big pothole that prevented us from driving forward together to the future that we had both planned.

But today was going to mark a new beginning, a new life, with someone else. Although, Edward would always be the first man to have my heart. The first man whom I fell madly in love with. The first man I planned to marry. The man who left me at the altar because his secrets were eating him away. The first man who broke me and hurt me deeply.

And the man whom I was _not_ marrying today. The man who had touched me yesterday. Images of our lustful actions assaulted my mind. The guilt tugged my heart. His hands were all over my skin yesterday; his tongue tasted sinful parts of my body. His eyes burned with guilt, regret and longing. But that couldn't blot out the pain of those years. It couldn't fill the hollowness I felt. It definitely couldn't change what was happening today.

I looked down, watching the water wash away my sins from last night and flow down the drain. I wondered if I was going to see Edward again. I wondered if this separation was going to be like the disappearance of seven years ago. I wondered if the distance he was creating was going to affect me like it did in the past. I wondered why I cared.

I stopped the tap and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my body and using another one to dry my hair.

I walked into the bedroom and sat down in front of the dressing table. "Did Jake call?" I asked Alice, applying cream to my skin.

"Not that I know of," she replied, walking into the bathroom to get the hair dryer.

I grabbed my handbag and pulled out my phone. I hadn't checked it since yesterday, before I went to the park. I noticed I had three missed calls and a text from Jacob.

_20:35 – Don't be nervous about tomorrow. I'll be the guy at the end of the aisle wearing the tux, you know, like everyone else. The only difference is I'll have a huge grin on my face – J. _

My lips curved into a half smile as I placed the phone on the table and Alice plugged the hair-dryer into the socket. The noise of the hair-dryer permeated the silence as we sat and she dried my hair.

Once she had stopped blow-drying my hair, I asked, "Did you know Edward was leaving today?"

She paused and her eyes flickered to my reflection in the mirror. "Jazz told me early this morning," she said as she brushed my hair.

"He told me," I said, looking at my fingernails. "He told me everything," I emphasized and she nodded.

She picked up the curling tong from the floor. "I know, Jazz told me." She combed a section of my hair and twisted it in between the curling iron. I wanted to ask what exactly Jasper told her. Did Edward tell him about his reason for leaving the first time? Did he tell Jasper if he was coming back? How was it that Jasper was able to transfer news that fast to Alice, before I even woke up?

"B, I have a question to ask you." Alice cut my thoughts short as she dropped the curling iron on the table. My hair tumbled in big, bouncy, shiny curls over my shoulders. She picked up the pile of pins from the table. "Are you happy?" She gave me a piercing look as she pinned each curl to my head.

I was too physically exhausted to be happy. I was too emotionally drained to be happy. The anxiety running through my veins increased rapidly with each tick of the clock and made it difficult for me to feel happiness. The weight of the secrets that Edward had been harboring all these years had not lifted yet; I still felt the drastic effects of his revelation. Honestly, my mind hadn't had time to process everything I learned yesterday in order for me to even know if I was truly happy.

So, I replied, "Not yet." My gaze dropped to the brushes on the table. _But surely, I'll be happy when I see that huge grin of Jake's at the end of the aisle, right?_ Was his smile going to eliminate the ache I was feeling in my chest? Would being married to him fill the sudden emptiness I felt?

Alice looked like she was going to say something else, but my mother interrupted her as she walked into the room. "Awe, my baby!" she squealed, as she dropped a few bags on my bed.

"You haven't even worn the dress and yet you look so beautiful," she commented and I glanced down at my brown towel, wondering how I looked beautiful in it. I guessed it was a mother's job to lie to her daughter on her wedding day.

I heard a sniffle and raised my eyes to see her wiping a tear. _Oh Renée, let's not do this again. _The first time, it was endearing. The second time, not so much.

"I just can't believe that you're all grown up," she said, wiping another tear. I wanted to tell her that I had _grown up_ a long time ago. I was twenty-eight. Was she always going to use this line every time I got married?

Alice pinned the last curl to my head and swiveled the chair to the other side. She brought out her pink industrial-sized Caboodle that was filled with makeup from under the bed. Alice and her makeup were like a mechanic with his tool box. I pictured myself as a car she was repairing, as she applied makeup to my face. Knowing Alice, she would have all my dents pounded out and me looking beautiful in no time.

When she had finished, her phone rang and she rushed to pick it up. "Hello?" she said. "Oh, Peter," she continued, excusing herself as she walked out of the room.

I looked at the mirror. My hair was in a crown of curls, my eyes were underlined with black, and Alice had done a good job in reviving color to my face. I was glad my outer appearance wasn't a reflection of my insides.

"Mom, why haven't you married Phil?" I asked, turning to look at her as she removed a pair of shoes from its shoe box. I had never broached on that topic before because I considered that if she was happy with the way things were, then I didn't need to know.

She looked bewildered for a moment before she replied. "Uh," she looked at the shoes, before returning to meet my questioning eyes. She took a deep breath and started. "When I married your father, I was young and pregnant. I was also blinded by the image of him in a uniform," she laughed as if recalling the image, "and the things he could give me: the protection, the comfort, and someone who was willing to love me. That, and the fact that I was more than willing to run from my parents."

"I met Charlie and I fell in love with him. Though, at this stage, I'm not sure if that's what it was. Of course I do love him now, as your father. But at that time, I was head over heels, and so I decided to take the next step – which was marriage. Now when I married him, it was amazing for a few years. I thought everything he did was cute, leaving his socks scattered on the floor without neatly putting them in his shoes by the door. Leaving the pizza box on the table after eating, not scraping the food from his plate before placing it in the sink." I laughed. "You see where I am going here?" she smiled and I nodded.

Although, Charlie had dropped those habits now, and I wondered if it was because of her.

"I thought he was absolutely adorable. But after a few years of repeating those same habits, even when I tried correcting him millions of times, they began to drive me crazy. And it wasn't just those traits; it was everything else. Everything I thought I knew about him just wasn't that attractive anymore. The passion was gone, and our blossoming love was dying. He was always working, late nights even, and I was taking care of you. We started drifting apart, and the whole rush of happiness that came when we first got married disappeared. After a while, I decided to leave. I gave it much thought, mind you. I didn't just, one day, wake up and decide to get a divorce. I stayed in it for a few years, but it was draining because even though he loved me; I didn't love him.

"Now with Phil, it's different. I've had the chance of living with him for a couple of years now. I know his traits, I'm used to them. I know almost everything about him. I know if I put tuna on the table for breakfast, he'd have my head. I know that even though, he might be travelling a lot, he's taking me with him. And the best part is that, if something goes wrong – which it always does -- I'll stay with him and we'll work it out. Because I love him, and I want to put that extra effort that I didn't put with Charlie.

"Marriage isn't about comfort; it's not effortless. It's about being with someone you love and having the energy to live with them forever. Because in the long run, you'll get tired of that person and it's love that gives you that effort to stay with them. I may not be married to Phil in the legal sense of the word, but in our hearts we know we are. One day, we'll walk into a church and get married. Marriage is just a celebration of the union that you already feel. You have to know if you're willing to sacrifice half of yourself for them."

She stood up, while placing the pair of shoes back in its box before dropping them by my feet. "It's scary thinking about it, but when you're with the right person, the risk is absolutely worth it," she kissed my forehead as Alice and Rosalie entered the room. "You'll be fine, pumpkin. I'm going to the venue. I'll meet you all there," she smiled at us and left.

"Okay, so I have to think about how I'm going to survive the fact that Peter and Jasper are going to be in the same hall," Alice said as she quickly removed the rollers from her hair.

"What?" Rosalie shot her a surprising look. "Peter is coming? Both of them are going to be at the wedding?" she asked. "Wait, so who's your date?" she snorted.

Alice glared at her menacingly. "Who do you think? Peter."

"How's Jazz taking the news?" I asked.

"He doesn't know…yet," she replied, a worried look crossed her face.

"Oh, you're in shit!" Rosalie clapped her hands with enthusiasm, before breaking out into a fit of laughter. "This is going to be so good. Finally, some fucking action!"

"Hey, I'm not the only one who's mixing past and present boyfriends together," Alice said as she dropped the rollers on the table. "So don't say that about me. After all, Edward is coming to Bella's wedding."

Rosalie's eyes flashed me an incredulous look. "You _invited _Edward?!" The disbelief in her tone emphasized the word 'invited'.

"Alice!" I exclaimed.

"Sorry, best friends go down together," she gave me a sympathetic smile. I pivoted my chair to look at the mirror, avoiding Rosalie's question and the frightening expression on her face.

"What the fuck, B?" she hissed. "Jesus Christ! What are you planning? A showdown?" she asked with annoyance injected in her tone, as Alice scurried out of the room to answer yet _another_ phone call, leaving me with the mess she created.

I shifted uncomfortably. I was not ready to have this kind of conversation with Rosalie. Every time Edward's name was mentioned in conjunction to mine, her head always seemed to go up in flames. I thought if I retorted her with aggravation, she would leave me alone.

So I snapped. "He's my friend! What was I supposed to do? Not invite him? That would be childish and immature."

"Oh!" she raised her hand up in exasperation. "Like inviting him makes you a bigger person? The guy is fucking in love with you."

"So now we're acknowledging the fact that he is?" I glowered at her reflection in the mirror.

"I never said he wasn't in love with you. I said he was fucking stupid and he was an asshole. In fact he's still an asshole. So you should forget him. I don't know if he loves you; I know he wants to be with you."

"God! Rosalie you're contradicting yourself here."

"This is beside the point. Who fucking cares if he loves you or not? He's history. He had his chance and he lost it." Her whole face had indignation written all over it. "You're getting married today, why are you doing this?"

"I am not doing anything," I barked defensively.

"Bullshit. You're thinking of another man on your wedding day. It's like you're indirectly asking me who you should fucking be with. Look Bella," she sighed and spun my chair to face her. "In a few hours, you'll be married. You're not supposed to be so indecisive on the morning of your wedding. The choice is between the one who's waiting for you at the altar, the one who has been there for you, the one who has spent time and energy in making you happy -- and the one who left you. It's not that hard to choose." She held my hands and stared at me empathetically. "Edward already made his decision when he left you, now you're making yours."

"Guys, we have to go now," my gaze moved from Rosalie's face to Alice. "We're going to be late. We don't have much time," Alice continued, as she came back into the room, looking at her watch. She smiled at me apologetically when she saw the expression on my face. "I'm sorry Bella; you know she had to find out sooner or later."

"Hey, did you write your vows already?" Alice asked, as I put on some clothes. "Because we can help you write something quick before we get to the hall."

"Uh, no. I got it covered last night," my eyes flickered to the cupboard under the mirror, which contained the written vows I had almost forgotten. "Thanks," I coughed, hoping to clear whatever was stuck in my throat.

Alice narrowed her eyes at me with suspicion dancing in her blue irises. "Well, we should get going," she said, taking off her robe and picking a shirt from my wardrobe to wear. She walked into the bathroom to wash her face.

"Rosalie, did you get the dress?" she asked from the bathroom.

"Yeah, it's right here," Rosalie replied, absentmindedly patting a blue garment bag, which I assumed encased my wedding dress. She was wearing a huge smile, which seemed almost bigger than her face could contain as she looked at her phone with rapt attention.

"What's amusing?" I asked, as Alice put makeup on her face.

"Nothing," she cleared her throat and a fraction of smile disappeared. I looked at her curiously as the look of mischief faded from her face. "It's nothing, just Emmett," she stood up, dusting invisible specks of dust from her skirt and suddenly looking serious. "I'll meet you guys downstairs…in the car," she said, walking out of the room.

"Sex-ting…nice," Alice chuckled as she closed the Caboodle and carried her bag, leaving the room.

I opened the cupboard and picked up the piece of paper with the vows written on it. I opened the folded paper and looked at it thoughtfully. After I had left Edward's place, I rushed home and wrote what I could use to sum up the way I felt about Jake. I cried while writing it and I wasn't sure why. Maybe it was due to exhaustion, or the vows were really emotional, or the fact that Edward's voice kept echoing in my thoughts as I scrawled on the paper.

"Bella, we're already late! Get out of your room," Alice shouted.

I folded the paper and shoved it in the back pocket of my jeans as I grabbed my handbag and left.

~!&!~

"He's not here?!" Rosalie's shriek reverberated through the hallway as Alice opened the door to the dressing room. "How can he not be here already?"

"Rose, calm down. I'm sure he'll be here soon," Alice said as we entered the room, which appeared to be bigger than my whole apartment.

We were currently standing in one of the rooms of the Paramount Banquet Hall. The room was situated on top of the auditorium, where the ceremony was supposed to happen. Alice had quickly asked for the key when we arrived and practically shoved me away from the public eye. Guests were quickly filling up the hall, and no one was allowed to see the bride until it was time for the wedding to proceed.

"This is the changing room?" I asked in astonishment, as my eyes drifted from the high ceilings to the wooden floors and over the furniture that occupied the space. Chairs and tables were scattered across the room, and a standing mirror was placed closed to the door.

"He's the groom for heaven's sakes," Rosalie continued on with her rant. "He should be here before Bella gets here. What the fuck happened to a gentleman waiting for a lady to arrive and all that polite shit?"

"We're in the twenty first century, chivalry and its family were buried a long time ago," I added as I walked to the windows, which were adorned with light brown curtains that hung from the ceiling and fell gracefully to the floor.

"It snowed heavily yesterday, maybe there's traffic," Alice said as she dropped her bag on one of the tables.

I couldn't tell if Rosalie was actually pissed off at Jake's lack of punctuality or she was just trying to hide her anxiety. If it was the latter, I wondered what she had to be worried about. Surely, a hall containing two exes couldn't possibly turn out to be a disaster, could it? After all, the last time Edward and Jake were in the same room, nothing really happened. Or did she think Edward's presence would be considered a threat?

Or was this just my subconscious worried because I was actually starting to feel really nervous? I had nothing to be worried about, I convinced myself as I started through the window. _Not a thing._

However, the number of cars parked in the lot was quite overwhelming, and I started to feel slightly nauseous. As these people exited their cars, wearing smiles that were either real or fake, I wondered what they were thinking. As far as I could tell, they were either here because they heard the caterer was good, or they were here for the wrong event. Because I was pretty sure I didn't even know this many people.

"Who are all those people?" I asked as Alice leaned against me to look through the window.

"Oh, they hired them," she replied, turning away from the window.

"Really?" I glanced at her, almost believing what she had said for a second.

"No, I'm kidding. They're either your parent's friends or Jake's friends or friends of friends," she collected a garment bag from Rosalie. "Is this the right one? Yours is the bigger size." Rose nodded.

My gaze returned to the parking lot, wondering if I could spot Edward's car. Did he even have a car? Was he still coming? Was this even a good idea? Maybe I shouldn't have invited him. But he was someone who had been there my whole life, and since it was about to change, it was only expected that he should be there to witness it.

"Are you okay?" Alice asked, as I turned to see her offering me one of the garment bags.

My eyes lingered on it momentarily before taking it from her hands. "Yeah."

"Well, you need to get dressed because when Jake gets here, we won't have time to check if you look perfect," she winked.

I slowly unzipped the bag, revealing the dress inch by inch as the sunlight cast a glow on it. I pulled it from its hanger and dropped it on the chair.

"Do you need help?" Rosalie asked as she zipped up her bridesmaid's dress.

Rosalie and Alice were both wearing a lavender, off-shoulder décolletage dress, which hugged their curves tightly and flowed to the floor like a fish's tail. Alice's hair was in short curls that hung around her face, while Rosalie put her hair up, displaying her beautiful neck with chandelier earrings dangling toward her shoulders. They both looked gorgeous.

"Uh, no, It's fine," I answered, taking my clothes off to put on my gown.

"Shit!" Alice dropped her phone and rushed to Rosalie. "Could you quickly help me zip this up? Peter's here," she said.

"Oh this is going to such a good day," Rosalie laughed as I carefully slipped into my dress.

"There you girls are," Renée's voice interrupted us as the door flew open. "I need your help with something downstairs," she said, glancing at me. "Bella, honey, you look absolutely stunning," she smiled. "Jake's here, he's downstairs. He can't wait to see you."

"Uh…thanks mom," I said, not knowing exactly what to say.

"It's about time," Rosalie said. "Ms. Smith, I'll follow you downstairs. Alice has to care of something," she smirked.

"Okay," Renée replied. "I'll be back with your father," she shouted on her way out, as Rosalie followed her.

"Okay so, I need you to not touch or move or do anything until I get back," Alice said, placing the white birdcage veil on my head. "I'll be right back," she blew me a kiss as she rushed out of the room.

I wasn't able to button the dress myself so I gave up after a few efforts. I leaned against the window; hiding behind the curtain and watching people enter the building. Both sides of the road were filled with snow; the beautiful, white color had been tainted with dirt and mud. The skeletons of trees stood tall, their leaves stripped by the winter season. The morning sun peeked through the clouds as they drifted apart to display the blue sky. People walked into the building, wearing thick jackets, gloves and caps.

I tried to occupy my mind with anything that could distract me from the fact that I was getting married in a few minutes. My hands were shaking with nervousness and my stomach was tightening in knots. Jacob was already here. I was almost dressed.

I concentrated on slowing my heart rate as my eyes caught the sight of Alice, Jasper and another guy, who was almost the same height as Jasper. His dark short hair was quite a contrast to Jasper's blonde hair. And from Jasper's stance, I could tell that he was Alice's boyfriend, Peter.

Alice was wearing a winter jacket on top of her dress and quivering from the cold, as she tried to prevent her dress from touching the ground. She stood awkwardly by Peter's side, while Jasper stood in front of both of them in a stance that was marked with defiance. The tension between them was so tangible that I could sense it through the rigidity of their bodies. Alice's mouth moved, and I assumed she was introducing Peter to Jasper, because his hand suddenly rose up to shake Jasper's with a bright smile hanging on his lips.

Jasper's head inclined with the slightest angle downward to Peter's hand and moved back up, staring at Peter. Peter's hand retreated back and rubbed his jaw, either pretending that he didn't just witness Jasper's discourtesy or he was thinking of how to escape the predicament he had found himself in. I saw Alice flash Jasper an annoyed look, right before Edward walked up to meet them.

Suddenly my throat dried up. Strands of his bronze hair wavered slightly with the wind as I stared at him through the window. He was dressed in an immaculate, perfectly-tailored, black suit. A pristine blue shirt peered through his suit, and I noticed that the first few buttons were unbuttoned, giving me a peek at his chest. His jaw was nicely shaven, emphasizing the structure of his face. He got out a pack of cigarettes and lit one, tilting his head to the sky as a cloud of smoke escaped his lips.

I watched him surreptitiously from the curtains as his eyes glanced around the building, running his fingers through his hair. Edward's eyes flicked to the window I was staring from and I almost held my breath. I backed away and dropped the curtain, just in case he could see me.

I decided to look for something else to distract myself with, since staring-at-people-through-windows didn't work. I tried to button my dress again, but was only able to button a few more before becoming frustrated.

I heard the door open behind me, thinking Alice had returned, I asked. "Al, please could you help me button this? I can't seem to reach."

I felt Alice's fingers trace the outline of the edge of the dress before she slotted each button in its hole. My breathing faltered as I smelled cigarettes, alcohol and cologne drift in the air. My heart pounded in my ears and a spike of awareness shot through me, as I realized that Edward was standing behind me, buttoning my dress.

My back straightened in response to the graze of his finger along my back. A sensation that felt synonymous with pain skittered along my nerves and my heart clenched. His silent presence made the atmosphere swirl around me. I focused on the dead branches of trees as they stood still, struggling against the wind.

I bit my lips and restrained myself from moving, wishing I had the same strength the branches had. I was afraid that if I moved, I would take one look and that would be a big mistake. So instead, I fixed my gaze on the trees. His fingers stilled on the last button, and I knew that because I could no longer feel the slight caress of the satin on my skin.

I couldn't still see his face, but I could tell when he opened his mouth to say something because his breath blew across my neck, making the tiny hairs on that spot stand. His forefinger stroked my shoulder, and then, ever so gently, he pressed a delicate kiss on my right shoulder.

Just then, a memory long forgotten hit me like a ton of bricks. _"Whatever you pick, I want your shoulders exposed. I'd like to have access to them at the reception, when no one's looking…"_

I closed my eyes and tried my best not to cry. It was amazing how he was able to unravel my feelings and make me emotional.

"Isabella_._" It took every ounce of strength within me not to turn my head to the sound of my name. "You look…," his words trailed off as I heard him take in a sharp breath. "You look…," he tried again. "So fucking beautiful."

I swallowed as he continued. "You know, I've dreamt of this day countless number of times," his laughter chimed through the room, with sadness embedded in the sound. "I've wished for it every fucking night, except," he paused and my gaze fell to the floor. "I was the one who was marrying you."

"I once told you that your happiness made me fucking happy. Is it wrong of me not to be happy now that you're finally... happy?" he asked, bending to whisper in my ear. "Friends are supposed to be happy for each other on a day like this, and yet I can't bring myself to be," his breath reeked of alcohol. "Your happiness fucking hurts, Isabella."

He stepped away from me, and then I heard his footsteps walk toward the door before he opened it. "Please tell me to stay Isabella," he pleaded, in a barely audible voice. "Tell me that you want me, tell me that you still love me and you forgive me. Say I should stay. I would give up every goddamn thing just to be with you. Just please tell me to stay,"

I stood in silence as some words lingered in my throat. I wasn't even sure what I wanted to tell him. That he hurt me? That I wasn't sure if we were able to get past this? That I couldn't hurt Jacob and that he was too late? That I wanted him to stay, but if he did I didn't know what exactly he would be staying for?

I knew I had to say something as time ticked seconds off the clock. "Edward I–," I turned to face him when I finally mustered up courage, but was met with my father walking through the door.

"Hey kiddo, are you ready?" Charlie smiled as he stood in his black suit, wearing the look of a gentleman rather than a cop.

Alice rushed past him, holding a bouquet of flowers in her hand. "Oh good, you actually didn't move," she said, giving me the flowers. She bent down and placed my shoes on my feet, as if I was incapable of doing it myself, before placing the white garter on. Then, she straightened the veil on my head. The white net ran diagonally across my face, covering my eyes.

She looked at me carefully for some seconds, trying to determine if I was okay. The look in her eyes slowly dissolved into something else as Renée and Rosalie appeared by the door.

"You ready, sweetheart?" Charlie asked again as my eyes flickered to his face.

Suddenly, I realized that everyone's eyes were on me, waiting for an answer. "Yeah, I guess," I clutched the bouquet of flowers to my chest and wore a smile.

"Okay well, let's go get you fucking married," Alice said, bending down to move the train of my dress so I could move.

"My baby," Renée smiled, wiping her cheek. "I know we've done this before but it's just that, it's not every day your daughter decides she wants to get married. All this while, you've been your father's child, you've been my child and now you're going to be your own self. Because today marks the beginning of your life with Jake," she enveloped me in a hug. "Now go, before my tears spoil your wedding dress," she sniffed.

"I'll see you downstairs," she said, leaving the room.

Charlie held out his arm for me to link mine with his. "Don't look at me, your mother has always been the one to display feelings, even when they are not necessary," he smiled at me as he patted my arm. "You look beautiful, though, and I'm proud of you, kiddo," he said as we walked out of the room.

Alice and Rosalie held the edges of my dress as we climbed down the stairs. My hands started to shake with each step I took. The anxiety made my heart beat furiously against my chest. I tried to steady myself and not lose my footing as we descended, getting closer and closer to the hall.

I started counting numbers in my head, then moved onto the English alphabets and finally to my wedding vows, hoping not to forget them. As I remembered each word I wrote on that piece of paper that was still stuck in my jeans, which I hadn't had time to look at, memories of a day that seemed similar to this one percolated my mind.

"Bella, you need to breathe," Charlie said. It was getting almost too difficult to breathe as the sound of Pachelbel's Canon began to drift into the foyer. "Alice?" He called her nervously.

Alice rushed to stand in front of me, making eye contact with me. "Bella, take a deep breath. Take it with me," she instructed, raising her hand as I inhaled air and let it out at the same time she let hers out. "Remember, you want this."

"Look at me," she said, just as I was about to turn away from her. "It's nothing. This ceremony is nothing. All those people, you don't know them. You don't care about them. Don't even think about them; block them from your mind. The only person that you should be seeing is Jacob and he's standing at the end of the aisle. He's there; we're not waiting for him. He's there, waiting for you. I need you to focus on him as you walk. Don't look at anything else, just him, okay?" she leveled my gaze and I nodded. "Another deep breath," she said, and I inhaled and let it out.

"Okay, it's time. Remember what I said," she said as Rosalie stood by her side, and the sound of Wagner's traditional march came on.

The two men, who stood guarding the entrance, opened the door, and Alice turned to wink at me and offered a reassuring smile. Rosalie whispered 'good luck'. Before they both began to march into the hall.

"Don't worry, sweets," Charlie gripped my arm tightly. "It will be alright, and before you know it, it will be over."

I looked at the hall as Charlie and I walked into it. The carpet that led all the way to where Jacob was standing was red. Cream drapes obscured the high ceilings and crystals sparkled from various points in the hall. The tables and chairs were draped in the same color as the artificial cream-colored flowers that were tucked in silver vases. Beautiful chandeliers hung from the ceiling.

People stood in a line at both sides of the path that led to where Jacob stood, all smiling. The wedding planner had created something that almost looked like an altar. I could see Jacob standing with his hands joined in front of him, beside Seth, while the minister stood in front of both of them. I couldn't exactly see their faces clearly, and it was then I realized that the distance, between the entrance and the stage he was standing at, was long.

The panic swelled my stomach and filled me with an urge to vomit. With each step I took toward my destination, I knew that it was sealing my future and that realization made my eyes flood with tears.

Because as my father and I danced along the red carpet like friggin' celebrities toward my husband-to-be at the end of the hall, which seemed like two countries apart from where I was standing, gone were the days when a little boy with chaotic hair told me that I was a very special girl.

The hand of the clock ticked off moments that reminded me of times when he would sneak out of his house and run across the night, to scare the crap out of me as he woke me up opening my window.

Each heartbeat pounded with the memory of how many times he told me he loved me.

Each high school friend I passed reminded me of the time when he spent nights teaching me that difficult math problem. The times he tried to take care of me when I was sick. When he showed up at my doorstep for prom.

Each parent I passed reminded me of all the times he got into trouble for doing some task for me and being rewarded by punishment from his parents.

Each smile sketched on their faces reminded me of all the quarrels and fights we had together. Each time I shut the door on his face. Each slap I gave him. Each word I used to insult him. Each time he slept on my doorstep, waiting for me to forgive him. Each time he made me cry. Every pang of hurt he planted in my heart. But even with all the hurt he caused me, he could make me smile like no other.

As I passed my closest male friends, Emmett and Jasper, I was reminded of all the times he left me to spend time with them and all the good times we had together. And as I passed Esme and Carlisle, I saw his face in them. Carlisle had his smile and Esme had his tears in her eyes. And in my mothers' face I saw myself. Lastly, I saw Billy's smile.

I turned to look at Jacob as we reached where he stood and noticed that the grin he was planning to wear was there, but not as vibrant. His eyes had an emotion that I couldn't place lurking behind them. His awkward stance was caused by something I did and I wasn't sure what. Something was off, and I knew it because Jake's smile usually made everything better. But as of that moment, nothing seemed right.

Charlie shot him a death glare as he handed me over to him. He finally smiled when Jake took my hand and helped lift me to stand on the stage. And as we moved closer toward the priest, I finally realized that I wasn't really happy.

This morning when I woke up, I thought that seeing his face would put all my uncertainties to rest. I thought that seeing his smile would wipe away every doubt that I had of marrying him. I thought that the happiness on his face would make my own heart bloom with happiness. But there were none of those things on his face. The warmth that was usually on his face was growing cold quickly. He no longer looked my sunshine. Was it because I was finally getting married to him? Did marriage suck the happiness out of people? Or was I just not ready to do this?

My mother had said that if you weren't in love with someone before you got married, the marriage sucked the passion out of your commitment. Did the wedding already do that for us? Or was there never any passion between us? Were we doomed without passion? Was the passion necessary?

Everyone sat down and the minister cleared his throat to capture my attention. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today–,"

"Excuse me father," Jake said as he tugged on my hand. I was shocked at his sudden interruption. I looked at him through the veil, wondering if he felt my hand tremble as the minister started. "Could you please give us a moment? We will be right back."

He didn't wait for the minister to reply as he quickly pulled me past the minister and went behind the stage. I heard gasps from people and chairs moved as they stood up in shock.

He didn't say anything as we walked away from the auditorium that we were supposed to get married in. He didn't say anything as we passed another wedding happening in that same building, but in a smaller room. He didn't utter a word as he opened a door to one of the empty rooms that was used for storage.

He kept quiet as he flung me into the room. He didn't look at me as he flicked on the lights. He just stared at the door he had just closed in silence. He gripped the door knob tightly as I wondered what thoughts were crossing through his mind. Was he able to detect my feelings as soon as the priest started? Was he able to tell that I was not able to go through with this? Did he know that I was about to interrupt the ceremony and break his heart because I finally realized that I couldn't marry him? Did he…?

"Did you sleep with him?" he asked bluntly in a calm, deadly tone. The shock of the question slashed through my thoughts like a sharp knife. His words were brusque, flat and monotone. "Did you sleep with him?" he asked again, and this time it brought a chill to my spine. "I am not going to ask you again because I know you're standing behind me and you're not deaf."

This was not the Jacob I knew. This was not the kind, nice, caring Jacob who made me feel safe. This Jacob was frightening with his words, and his stance seemed deadly. The brutality in his words demanded that I should say something.

"Jake," my voice shook as he exercised his neck like he was getting ready for a fight. His patience was waning, so I quickly replied. "No."

I saw him exhale a deep breath as his shoulders sagged. I wasn't sure if the breath was from relief or from something else.

"Did he touch you?" he spat, the words seemed like a physical blow to my chest. He turned to face me and I moved back from the expression on his face. A flower pot that I didn't know was behind me fell, breaking the silence.

I trembled. I had never seen Jacob angry ever in the entire time I spent with me. He looked like a total different person. Every rigid line of his body vibrated in anger like an earthquake that was about to happen. All the feelings that he had probably been harboring inside of him all these years flooded his features like a volcanic eruption.

"Did he touch you, Bella?" He asked again, stalking toward me. His eyes were red and I noticed that they were glistening with tears. I suddenly turned very pale and a ghostly expression passed my face as I stared at him. He picked up a vase and crashed it to the floor as he continued to walk toward me.

I moved further and further into the room, until my back hit the wall. As he threw and flung things from his way – a table, a chair, vases, equipment, and other things that I couldn't see because my face was looking at him ghastly.

"Today is our wedding day, Bella! Our wedding day," he cried as his voice echoed dangerously across the room. "And you spend the night before our wedding, _WITH HIM?" _Tears ran down his cheeks and the hurt was evident in every bone of his face. "I was _celebrating_," he spat the word, completely appalled. "I was rejoicing that I was finally going to get married to you today and you were with him! He was touching you? What is the difference Bella? Tell me the difference between him touching you and you fucking him? Huh," his eyebrow arched with rage as he stopped a few feet away from me, staring.

"All these months, I have touched you and you've never seemed to enjoy it, but yet he can touch you? You thought of him every damn time my hands were on you. You called his name when you had an orgasm. You imagined his face when I looked at you. When did you ever think of me?"

"Did you think of me when he touched you yesterday?" He growled as my eyes became blurry with tears. "Did you think of me when you woke up this morning? Did you think of me when you wore that dress? Did you think of me when you walked down that aisle?" he snarled, and the ferocity of his expression made my throat close up. "When did you think of me Bella Swan? When? You didn't even look at me when you walked to meet me. And I thought of you every single second," his knees dropped to the floor as his anger dissolved to sadness.

His knees and hands were on the floor in a crouching position as he wept. Loud, gut–wrenching sobs racked his frame. He looked like a lion, but sounded so wounded. I had done this to him. I had made him a monster and then completely shredded his heart. I had torn him, broken him and left him battered. I walked toward him slowly, still afraid that he would explode.

"I loved you so much, Bella," he cried and my quivering hand touched his shoulders. "Why would you do this to me?" he wiped his running nose with his sleeve and looked at me. "I tried to make you so happy, but it wasn't enough, was it? I gave you my patience, I trusted you. I waited for you."

"I'm…so-so-sorry," I stammered as his body resumed a less antagonistic posture. He crumbled beneath my hands. "Jake, I never meant to hurt you. I don't know…I just…" I closed my eyes as the tears made it difficult for me to continue speaking. The hurt that he felt was spreading through me.

"I didn't believe it when Jane told me," I looked at him surprisingly, wondering when or how Jane knew I was with Edward yesterday. "I tried not to believe it. I thought that when I saw your face, smiling at me as you approached me would prove that she was wrong. But you didn't even look at me," the sadness in his tone cut me deeply. "Even when the wedding preparations were going on, I suspected something but I held it in, and asked Seth to talk to you and find out if you really wanted to do this."

He stood up and left me on the floor, crying. He wiped his tears and shoved his hands in his pockets, composing himself. "I don't want to be the guy that you're married to, but yet you think of someone else. I don't want to be the guy who gets to hears you call _his_ name while we are sharing a moment. I don't want to always wonder if you're truly happy or if you want him back. I want you to be with me because you're completely–,"

"Jake I–," I started but got cut off.

"Let me finish. You are _not _completely happy. You've never been complete without him. Even when he left, you never really left him. You always kept him with you. And I don't know why you love him, I truly don't," he shook his head. "Maybe it's for the same reason I showed up today, hoping you would be happy marrying me. But you aren't and that's why I'm doing this," he swallowed. "I'm setting you free because I deserve more. I want someone who willingly loves me without me asking them to. So I'm letting you go."

I closed my eyes as the tears rushed down my face.

He undid a few buttons of his shirt and the bow tie around his neck. "I'll go back out there and say it was our decision," he cast me one last glance before leaving the room.

I watched my no-longer-husband-to-be walk away from me as he went to cancel our wedding. I couldn't move. I couldn't stop him to tell him how sorry I was for hurting him. I couldn't move to help him clean the mess I had created. My feet were planted firmly on the floor. If I didn't think it was impossible, I'd say my heart stopped too. A sudden invisible weight crushed on me, making it hard to breathe. I was quickly hardening into a frozen state.

History was repeating itself except it was taking a different approach this time, since it was all my own doing. And for the first time, I wondered whether being in love with someone was a curse. The passion I had questioned before the wedding had been portrayed in the anger Jacob had in his eyes.

I was in one of those states where you're supposed to pass out because the emotions I was experiencing were drowning me. I waited for my body to give up on me, my eyes to close and my mind to drift somewhere…anywhere that was blissful. Instead, my eyes were very much open and wide with shock and tears. The realization that I had destroyed the past five years, that I had crushed someone dear to me, who loved me, burned my eyes. I was still transfixed in my spot, a sudden wave of emotions cascading into absolute terror.

"Bella?" Alice flung the door open and a swirl of air entered the room. Her eyes surveyed the damage that Jacob had caused. She quickly spotted me and rushed to my side. "Bella, what the fuck happened? Why is Jake cancelling the–," she stopped, once she saw my eyes.

"Oh no," she enveloped me in her arms, rocking me as I cried. The pain molded into her face as she held my flaccid arms. "Should I call him back?" her voice cracked as tears filled her eyes.

At this point, I couldn't decipher exactly which _him _she was referring to. Jacob? Jacob didn't want me. He wanted more and I couldn't give him more. And Edward had already left.

"Should I stop him?" she croaked. "He's leaving," she cleared her throat. "And Jasper could stop him before his plane leaves. There's still some time. He can make it. He can–"

"No."

My voice sounded like someone else's. I didn't want Edward to feel like he was a second choice when he was not. Jacob was breaking up with me because he thought he was second choice. I didn't ever want to make anyone feel that way. Also what kind of woman would I be if after my wedding had been canceled, I ran back to my ex? It didn't matter that Jake and I had reached a mutual decision to stop our wedding, I still had to show him respect, and also because I loved him. I might not have loved him as strongly as I loved Edward, but I did love him.

And that was the reason why I asked her not to stop Edward. I needed space. I needed to learn to stop screwing everyone up.

"Take me home, please. I don't want to see anyone." I held on to her arm with a death grip as she pulled me up.

"We'll take the back way out," Alice sniffed.

I had used the front to enter the building, thinking that I would enter as a spinster and leave as a married woman.

But yet again, I was still just Bella Swan.

**

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**

Ladies on the thread, I'm all yours.

**I wrote a sad o/s – The Day is Brave (check out my profile if you're interested)**

**It had to be this way. I wonder what happens next. **

**Thank you for reading, let me know your thoughts. **

**Till next update! **


	19. Confessions of a Wedding Dress

**~ Confessions of a Wedding Dress ~**

"She has been in there since morning." My mother's voice seeped through the space underneath the door of my bedroom. "Charlie, go and talk to her."

"Why? I thought you were the one who was her _favorite _parent," my father replied, and I knew he was using his tactic of dodging an emotional conversation with me. "What? You can no longer live up to the expectation?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Charlie," Renée scolded him delicately, but her tone was marred with worry.

"I can't believe they _both_ decided to break up," Rosalie said. "I don't believe that. If Jacob was having some doubts why didn't he just stop this before it escalated any further? Wouldn't it have saved him the trouble of preparing for a wedding that he didn't want?"

Silence answered Rosalie's question before Emmett interrupted it. "Someone should go talk to her."

"I think she just wants to be left alone," Alice murmured.

"But has she eaten anything today? She must be extremely weak," Renée said worriedly. "She needs nourishment."

"We bought a bottle of Jack Daniels on our way back," Alice added.

"Alcohol is not food, Alice." Renée's voice was infused with disappointment. "And here I thought you were the responsible one."

"You think she's gonna be like she was the last time?" Emmett asked.

I closed my eyes tightly and tried to ignore the memories of my failure and the disappointment that usually accompanied my weddings. My _weddings? _I almost laughed at the absurdity of the plural. People usually had only one wedding in their lifetime, except if they got divorced or widowed. And I was the unfortunate one out of a million, who had two failed weddings. I didn't even, at least, have a chance to be married for twenty four hours.

"Guys, it's getting late. It was nice to meet you all. I'm going to head out now." I heard an unfamiliar voice say. "Alice, will you please escort me out?" I realized it must have been Peter's voice.

"You're going to go with him?" Jasper asked incredulously. "While your best friend is in an unstable state, you're going to leave with him?"

"Jazz, two words – Fuck. Off." Alice said, with indignation coloring her tone. "I'm just seeing him downstairs. He's my guest and also the man in my life right now, not that it concerns you. You have no business in what I do."

"Well, if he can't be there in your time of need, then maybe he isn't fit to be a part of your life," Jasper said, punctuating his sentence with a degree of cynicism.

"Hey, man, what the hell is your problem?" Peter asked.

"Dude, you're my problem. And I wasn't talking to you, so shut the fuck up," Jasper retorted.

"Jazz, would you just leave it alone?" The irritation in Alice's voice seemed to be growing by the second.

"I just don't understand what his problem is. Why have you been on my tail all day? Did I do something?" Peter continued.

"Wrong question," Emmett added.

"Trust me if I had your goddamn time, you won't still be here," Jasper laughed with no humor.

"Jasper, will you cut it out!" Alice exclaimed.

"Maybe we should take this outside," Peter offered.

"Hey, hey, _hey_," Charlie shouted. "Boys, break it up or I'll have both of you arrested," he admonished.

"Way to be real fucking mature Jazz, real _fucking _nice," Alice hissed, and the sound was followed shortly by the thundering sound of the door banging against the wall.

"Jesus, Jasper, jealousy? Really?" Rosalie asked, half-amused, half-surprised.

"Jazz, that was a shitty way to go," Emmett said, "but it's been a really long day, everyone's nerves are in a twist."

I shut the voices of my family and friends out, clutching my pillow with one hand and staring at the white-painted wall in front of my eyes. I laid at the periphery of the bed, with the tail of my dress splaying over the mahogany wood and sweeping against the floor.

The wind roared violently as it banged against the windows. My mind was going through a kaleidoscope of thoughts and each one produced a headache. The absence of a ring on my wedding finger glared at me with mockery. The proof that today had actually happened was glued to my body with sweat, the fabric of the wedding dress sticking to my skin like a tattoo. The pearls around my neck choked my throat.

My eyes felt so heavy, that even staring through the darkness proved to be a difficult task. My chest felt sore, as if something other than my own guilt and shame had been weighing on it. The myriad of emotions crushed my heart with their weight. My legs felt numb, and the right half of my body felt frozen from lying on that particular side for too long.

I wasn't sure what time it was, but I could tell it was nighttime because of the veil of darkness that covered the room as it chased the sunlight away from my window. My throat had been roughened with dryness. My tongue craved the bottle of whiskey lying comfortably beside me, or anything else to dampen it apart from my saliva. But I ignored the discomfort and lay quietly on my side of the bed. The absence of Jacob's body lingered on the other side. I never noticed that the sheets were perfumed with his scent until this day. It was the faint musky scent of old spice deodorant.

I wondered why I never smelled it before. I guessed you never really notice things until they were gone.

I hadn't cried since I left the wedding hall. I hadn't said a word to anyone since I entered my room and locked the door. I was grateful for the privacy of having an actual lock to create a barrier that neither my friends nor my family could cross since they didn't have a key. The locked door secured my separation from the outside world, except for the voices that leaked beneath it.

My exhaustion urged me to sleep, but how did one sleep after an earthquake (or something equally shattering) occurred? I still felt the fissures of the damage gnawing at my nerves, replaying the scene over and over like a broken record. My mind kept wondering when and how Jane had seen me last night with Edward, and what exactly had she seen. The angry make-out session? I wondered if she told him every detail. Did she tell him about how I screamed at him and slapped his face? Or did she just neglect that part and go straight on about the kiss?

I wasn't even aware that Jacob had doubts until today. I didn't know that he felt insecure about our relationship. He had always appeared calm, so calm, in fact, that I hardly recognized the man who raged at me today. A part of me wished I could have just loved him as much as he loved me; or that I could have admitted to not being able to sooner. I tried so hard not to hurt him but it was inevitable.

All of our emotions were so tangled up in this triangle that, as we tried to disengage, we all got hurt in the process. Edward, by now, thought I had married Jacob, and I hadn't contacted him to let him know otherwise. Meanwhile, Jacob was hurting from the dissolution of our almost-five-year relationship, that should have been sealed for life today - except I had messed it up.

And, I was hurting from what I had done to both of these men and myself. My head was pounding with all these conflicting thoughts, and there was no room left in my head to think. In fact, I didn't even want to think. I just wanted to be in a place where nothing existed. No words. No feelings. No thoughts. And definitely no voices.

"So, Edward left already?" Rosalie asked, penetrating through my comfortable realm of silence.

Then again, I should have known that the silence wouldn't last.

"Yeah." I heard Jasper reply.

"Who took him to the airport?" she continued.

"I don't know. I wanted to take him because he seemed slightly hammered, but he insisted that we all stay for Bella's wedding in case she needed us," Jasper answered.

Instantly, worry choked my heart over his safety.

"Where did he say he was going?"

"I'm not sure. Probably back to Canada, but I have no idea. He said he'd call as soon as he lands."

"Has he call–"

Before Rosalie could finish asking her question, my father interrupted. "You know it's entirely that boy's fault. If he hadn't come back, none of this would have happened. She would have been happily married to Jacob by now. But instead, he created this mess and fled. He seems to have a penchant for running away."

"Now is not the time to start placing blame, Charlie," Renée cut in. "It's not anyone's fault. I don't think any of us saw this coming," she added, yawning as she spoke.

"All he has done is hurt her," Charlie said.

"People mostly remember the negative aspects more than the positive. I remember a time when he made her happy," Renée said.

"Yes, but the bad always seems to outweigh the good in his case. Jacob would have made her extremely happy if he hadn't shown up."

"Charlie, Jacob's not much of a saint either. If I remember correctly, he was the one who called off the wedding, claiming it was mutual, yet there was no sign of Bella anywhere. We don't know what truly happened." Renée sounded tired, as if she wasn't ready for an argument with her ex-husband.

"Humph," Charlie said resignedly.

_Edward._

A fleeting, dizzy sensation passed through my nerves at the thought of his name. Worry, anxiety, sadness, all converged to my heart at once. I wondered what he was going to do now that he thought I was married. How many more women was he going to use this time to forget me? Which one was he going to fall in love with? How far would he move away from me before I had a chance to catch him? Did I even want to catch him?

Why did he always leave me confused? Why couldn't he just be _easy_ to deal with?

"So does anyone know where Jake went? I didn't see him after he made the announcement and practically stormed out of the hall," Rosalie said.

"Yeah, I've got no clue. I saw him leave with Seth though. He seemed a little angry," Jasper said.

I heard the sound of the door opening, followed by the snapping of the lock, and I assumed Alice was back.

"Dude, that wasn't a little. He seemed full blown out pissed," Emmett said. "You should have seen his face."

_Jacob._

My heart clenched in my chest when I recalled how devastated he had been when he pulled me out of the hall. I wondered if he would ever forgive me. I didn't expect him to, because I understood exactly how he felt. I was in his shoes when Edward left me seven years ago. That episode of my life seemed like eons ago, even though the fractures still lingered. Would he ever get over it? Or would he reminisce about our past, just as I had with Edward?

"I didn't see his face. I was too shocked to notice what he looked like after he called it off," Rosalie declared.

"Alice…" Jasper called her softly.

"Don't touch me," she replied harshly.

"What happened to the food?" Emmett asked. "Did the caterers take it back?"

"Phil is sorting that out with Esme," Renée replied.

"Alice, I'm sorry," Jasper continued.

"I hate it when you do that," Alice snapped.

"Do what?"

"We both know you're not sorry Jasper, so keep it to yourself."

"Look, I'm sorry about what happened between Peter and I. But I'm really sorry for hur–"

"He didn't do anything to you," Alice interrupted.

"Jasper, I don't think this is the right time to be talking about your relationship issues," Emmett interjected.

"We are not in a fucking relationship," Alice barked back.

"Rosalie, could you help me in the kitchen?" Renée asked.

"Emmett, let's play chess," Charlie said. "You do know how to play, right?"

Emmett must have nodded his reply because I didn't hear an answer from him.

"I'm just trying to understand you Al," Jasper continued.

"No, you're not. You're acting like a spoiled child who has been denied candy. You don't get everything you want in life, Jasper. Let that sink into your thick skull."

"Fuck! I don't understand women. What do you expect me to do Al? You break up with me for no good reason? Then next thing you decide I should move out. And then you start dating someone else. And you expect me not to fucking react? Is it wrong of me to be jealous because I can't stand someone else being with you?"

"No, but pissing on something like it's your property is. You had no right to talk to him like that."

"What do you mean? Look, I just want to know what you expect from me. Are you tired of me? Is that it? Are you tired of _us_?"

"Jasper, I don't want to talk about this anymore, okay?"

"You never want to talk about anything."

I ignored their banter, and shut my eyes tightly, trying to muster enough strength to stand up or at least move from the position I was in. My fingers wrapped around the neck of the bottle of alcohol as I stood up. I almost lost my balance while trying to use my feet. A tingling sensation shot through my toes as I started to walk.

I stopped in front of my dresser and placed the bottle on top of it. I slid the engagement ring off my finger and opened the last drawer. I had avoided that particular drawer because of the content it held. The last diamond I received sparkled in the darkness as I dropped another one beside it. I quickly closed the drawer and headed to the bathroom.

I flicked on the bathroom light, squinting as the brightness filled the bathroom. I tried to undo the buttons of my dress but found them difficult to maneuver, just as I did in the morning. Dreading the need to ask someone for help, but knowing I couldn't do it by myself, I turned the door knob with shaky fingers.

My head poked out, and for a few seconds, all conversations ceased as everyone's eyes flew to my face. It took about a minute for them to register that I was actually standing by the door, and once they did, they rushed to meet me.

"Please, please, I only need Alice," I pleaded, hoping that I didn't get too worked up as they began inquiring about my well being.

"Don't you need your mother?" Renée asked, sounding heartbroken.

"Mom, not now, please? Alice, can you come in here for a second?"

They all parted for Alice to pass through, and once she was in the bathroom, I shut the door.

"I need you to please help me take this off," I said, turning around and facing the mirror as her fingers began working on the buttons.

I picked up a pair of scissors close to the sink and offered it to her. "Here."

Our gazes met through the mirror. "It will help get it off faster," I said, shrugging, while she nodded in understanding.

I felt the scissors bite into the dress before its teeth ripped through it. The dress fell like a shattered bouquet as I stepped out of it and Alice took off the pearls. _Another one down_, I thought. I picked up the whiskey and set it at the side of the bath, opening the tap and filling the bath with water.

I pulled my hair up, and then undressed myself fully before stepping into the warm water. I closed my eyes and sighed as the water enveloped my body. When I opened my eyes, I found Alice sitting at the back of the door, facing the bath, and staring at me.

I stared at her for a couple of seconds before my eyes flickered elsewhere. I noticed all the things that seemed oblivious to me in the morning before I left for the wedding. All of Jacob's things stood out in the bathroom like colored images highlighted in a black and white background. His dark blue towel hung on the door, covering mine. His brown leather watch sat on the bathroom counter. His blue toothbrush stood in the toothbrush rack. His shaving cream was sitting at the edge of the tub. His deodorant, his body cream, and all the little reminders of the pain I had caused him, glared from every angle of the room.

When Edward left, each spot of my room was tainted with memories of him. But with Jacob, I had pieces of what I had done to him.

I pulled the whiskey from its spot and opened it, taking a swig and savoring the hot burn.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alice asked, fidgeting with the hem of her dress.

"I'm not sure if there's much to talk about," I replied.

She nodded, glancing around the bathroom. "Jasper's an idiot."

I couldn't stop the smile that spread across my lips. "I heard."

She got up to put on the bathroom fan and sat back down. I looked at her curiously, and she immediately replied, "I don't want him to hear me insulting him."

My nod was accompanied with another swig. "So you really like Peter?"

"Yeah, he's a really good guy. And he's really sweet, you know. Very understanding…" she trailed off.

I looked at her, trying to comprehend the last end of her sentence. I felt like there was a _but_ somewhere.

"I don't know," she finally said. "Maybe I'm confused. Who knows?"

I offered her the Jack Daniels, because I could totally relate to her confusion…a little. She stretched out to take the bottle, taking a long swig before handing it back to me.

"Wow, you seem to need it more than I do," I said, taking the bottle back from her.

She laughed, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "I just really wanted a drink."

"That makes two of us." I took another gulp. "There's another bottle on top of the bed stand in the bedroom," I offered.

She went to the bedroom, and within a minute, she came back with it in her hand.

"Cheers." I raised my bottle in the air and she did the same.

After taking another mouthful, she said, "He wants to settle." I looked at her in confusion. "Peter wants to settle," she emphasized and I nodded, my lips forming an 'o' in understanding. "He's ready to settle…but he's just not Jasper."

I raised my brow, puzzled. "But Jasper likes you from what I can tell, so why don't you just go back?"

"It's not that simple." She took another gulp. "All his friends are settling down. Everyone's getting married–"

"Well, not _everybody_." I laughed and she glared at me. "What?" I asked. "It's true. I can't even get to the _I do_ part before my grooms run off."

"The first time wasn't your fault."

"No, but the second time was," I said, squeezing a bottle of body wash into the tub. "I ruined it, Al. I hurt him deeply; you should have seen his face. He probably hates me by now."

"I hardly think so, besides _hate_ is a pretty strong word."

"No, no, no. He _hates_ me. If I was him, I would hate me. I hated Edward when he did it to me. You can't fully understand the feeling, except if you've been in the person's shoes. I know it because I've been there before. It's devastating, and it's not something that just…goes away. It sticks with you."

_Like a mark that follows you for the rest of your life. The wounds might heal but the scars still remain, reminding you of what happened. _

"So you called it off?"

"No," I said, my forefinger trailing the edge of the tub with soapy duds. "I couldn't call it off. I didn't want to do that to him. But at the same time, I did. I don't know. I thought I could do it – marry him. I thought he would make me happy. I was sure of it, but as I walked down the aisle…I just couldn't. I had an epiphany of some sort."

Alice nodded, before swallowing another gulp. "So…he called it off?"

"Yeah, he said he had doubts, which is quite funny 'cause I had doubts, doubts that I didn't even want to acknowledge because I thought I wanted to marry him. And both of us finally realized we had gotten in too deep. He had a little help, though, deciding if he wanted to be with me. Jane helped, I guess I should thank her," I said sarcastically.

"What do you mean Jane helped?" Alice's eyebrows drew closer together on her forehead.

"She told him I saw Edward yesterday when I went to vent my anger. I kissed him. Well, I did more than kiss him, and she probably told Jake that part, too. He thought she was lying, until this morning when I didn't make him feel convinced."

"Are you fucking serious?" Alice's eyes widened. "She told him. When did she see him to tell him? Why would she even do that? How can she live with herself?" Alice sounded repulsed.

"Don't know." I took another gulp.

"I'm so angry right now. I'm hoping the alcohol calms me down before I rage to the wrong person," she said, taking a swig.

I chuckled and joined her. The whiskey was efficacious, and soon, all my feelings started to numb.

"I don't think Jasper wants to get married," Alice said, after a few minutes.

"How do you know that?"

"He's never mentioned it before. I mean, _never_. Apart from when he's telling me what philosophy or psychology says about it; and then he gets all excited when he talks about it, as if I give a fuck."

"Jasper gets excited about everything related to his line of work."

"No, it's not that. Do you know how many of his friends are getting married? Or thinking about it? And he has never brought it up in all the years I've been with him. It's like totally not even approachable. Nonexistent."

"Well, have you…have you ever broached it before?"

"No. How can I? Especially when he thinks marriage is an institution."

"Well…" I blinked hard as the effects of the drink started to coincide with my lucidity. "Marriage…is kind of an institution." I tried to reason, my head resting on the side of the tub.

"This coming from the same guy who thinks that love only lasts for two years, and after that you just become accustomed to your partner. Maybe he doesn't want to settle." Her lips formed a pout that caused me to giggle.

"You know I never pegged you as one who gets worried about someone not… settling." I tried to sit up in the bath, and the movement caused water to splash out of the tub. I groaned, thinking of how I would have to clean that up. "But I'd say that you guys are already settled. It's been what? How many years?"

"Almost nine," she replied. "Who would have thought?" her face scrunched up into the cutest expression of disbelief.

"See! You're settled! How much more settled can you get? Although, I think it's more. Shouldn't it be more? I could swear it was more. Perhaps we're not counting it right. Twenty-seven, twenty-six, twenty-five…" I started counting backwards with my fingers.

"No, no, no. You're forgetting. We didn't start dating for a long time."

"Ah, yes, still hiding under the canopy of being best of friends. Ugh, that was so annoying," I squeezed more body wash into the tub.

Alice laughed. "Oh shit, we were just friends."

"No kidding, friends who used to kiss behind Mrs. Cope's pool. That poor woman was subjected to your horny teenage escapades."

"You did not see that!"

"I did too!"

"No." Her eyes widened at the revelation as she cackled. "I was eighteen then. Kissing was totally legal."

"Yep, so was his hand crawling into your blouse. I think Rose took pictures, I'm not sure. She wanted it as proof." I giggled.

"That's really messed up." She snorted.

The laughter died down and we welcomed the silence for a few minutes.

"He can't have me…and not have me," Alice said. "Does that even make sense?" she asked, and I shook my head, not comprehending. "I can't always be there, you know. I can't be his girlfriend forever. I mean, shit, what if he gets tired? What if he gets bored of my antics? What if he can't stand the Alice who yells, and picks random fights, and spends twenty four fucking hours doing make up in the bathroom? The woman who gets overly anal at some of the things he does, like putting his fucking shoes on the bed? What if he decides I'm not what he thought I was? What if we become strangers? What if he wants out? And he can easily walk away…just like that."

"And what if he actually does want to stay, but he doesn't feel the need to label it. Alice, you sound like you're already pretty committed to me. And he's crazy about you, and you're here being worried about the future while wasting the present?"

"Bella, shit happens. It's not always flowers and vanilla ice-cream." Before I could proceed and comment on her choice of words, she continued quickly. "Everyone thought you and Edward were going to be together. Jesus, you were like the ideal couple, and one day, he disappears, just like that." She tried to snap her fingers, but it produced no sound, and then she did it again and failed again; I laughed.

"Edward left for his own stupid, completely messed up reasons." I lowered my voice in a whisper. "Don't believe everything you see, we weren't exactly normal." I took a swig.

Another minute of silence passed and we engaged ourselves in our thoughts. For a second there, I almost thought I had forgotten what happened today, but the alcohol couldn't wipe away my memory.

"You know I still hate him," I said quietly. "Even on the day of my wedding to someone else, I am still fixated on him, still asking questions. Still not sure that I can go through with it, because he's hanging somewhere at the back of my mind." I blew a soap bubble in the air. "Always constantly there."

I took a swig as the memories of what exactly happened last night seeped into my drunken state. "You know what," I tried to sit up, and once again, water splashed out of the tub. "How dare he? How dare he leave me? How could he throw away all that love?" My voice increased as the anger settled in. "He threw it away because he felt _guilty_ for not telling me about a situation that he didn't even control!" The incredulousness of that statement almost made me punch the walls of the tub. "Damn him for being such a selfish prick. If he had stayed, we could have worked things out. He didn't even give me a chance to understand him, or at least, forgive him. He took away my choice. He took away…himself – the one thing that mattered to me. Does he have any idea what it feels like to be abandoned by the one person you completely trust?

"He crushed me. He took the purest part of my heart and blackened it. I will never be the same again. And no matter what happens, I will never be able to love someone with my whole heart. He took a piece of me that day that can never be returned. I've spent so much time reliving it. And I've hated him, oh, how I've hated him for so long, with as much passion as I've loved him. And that doesn't leave much room to love someone else. And then the stupid ingrate leaves again. Outright asshole…" I ended my rant with a slur and a un-lady like belch.

Silence sat with us and I just relaxed back into the tub, feeling the exhaustion of the feelings I had just expressed.

"You know, I'm so drunk right now, but I still think it's highly unhygienic to drink in the bathroom. I think the toilet is staring at me."

"Alice!" I scowled at her and used my best threatening voice. "I was just dumped at the friggin' altar, don't you dare get hygienic with me."

Alice burst into a fit of laughter that was so infectious, I couldn't resist, so I joined her. I laughed at the absurdity of the situation. A drunken bride, who was supposed to be spending the night consummating her wedding with her handsome groom by having amazing sex, was sitting in a bath, drinking alcohol and listening to her best friend say she's scared of the toilet.

Alice calmed down, with chuckles racking her small frame before inhaling deeply. "One more thing, I can't believe you made me destroy the dress!" she exclaimed in genuine sadness. "It was such a beautiful dress," she reached out and touched the seam of it. "Such a waste."

"I won't wear that thing again even if my life depended on it. I agree though, it was really pretty." My eyes moved to the pile of white fabric lying on the floor in its dejected state, about to be soaked with the bath water on the floor. "Please can you remove it before it becomes completely ruined?"

"You should get out of the tub, you've been in there for ages," she said, picking up the dress and her small bottle of Captain Morgan and heading to the bedroom.

I removed the plug from the tub and watched the water drain slowly out of it. Trying to balance myself and stand up, but completely failing since everything around me seemed to spin from a different height, I called Alice.

"Alice, I don't think I can take a shower."

"Honey, you just had a bath."

"Yes, but I have to rinse off and my head is going in circles."

She laughed. "Your head cannot go in circles, just turn on the tap and rinse off."

I turned on the tap and pulled the shower head so the water could rinse my body from head to toe. After I was sure there was no more soap left, I slowly got out of the tub, hoping not to fall flat on my ass. I quickly stretched and pulled my towel from the hook on the door of the bathroom. Wrapping it around myself, I walked to the bedroom and found Alice lying on the floor. The light coming from the bathroom kept me from stepping on her.

"Why are you here?" I asked, standing in front of her.

"The bed seems too far away."

I looked up and noticed she was lying almost directly in front of the bed. Shaking my head in laughter, I sat on the floor before curling up beside her.

"Alice?" I asked after a bit of silence.

"Hmm…?"

"You think they're still in there?" I said, referring to the people who had occupied my living room.

"I sure hope not."

"Okay."

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you going to go after him? Edward, I mean. Are you going to go look for him, now that he's gone?"

"Should I?"

"I don't know."

"I don't think so," I replied. I didn't even know where he was. For all I knew, he was on his way to another continent by now.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a coward," I said simply, clutching my towel. "I'm too scared to risk it. To go back and have him leave again, I don't know if I could handle it."

"What makes you think he'll leave again?"

"He left today."

"Bella, love involves risk. I believe most good things in life involve risk. The risk of failure, the risk of getting caught, the risk of getting heartbroken, the risk of…. If you don't risk it, if you don't feel that rush, that vulnerability, then you haven't achieved something good yet."

"So why aren't you risking it with Jasper then?"

"Um, who said I was brave?"

I chuckled, and then I remembered something she had once told me. "If it's meant to be, it will be."

"So what are you going to do now?"

"Leave Forks."

"I heard travelling is the best remedy for a break up."

"Yeah, that and I believe there are no men in Forks who would want to marry me after today."

"Screw them. I'd marry you."

I laughed. "No, you'd marry Jasper."

~!&!~

"Dude, you were acting like a dick."

"I was not acting like a dick; you were acting like an asshole. It's plain simple. She never does anything I tell her to do. And you're supposed to be on my side because you're my husband. And that's what couples do, they stick to each other."

"He said 'fuck' Rosalie. It's not the end of the world, and I hardly think it's her fault."

"It's our child!" Rosalie's shriek woke me up from my drunken haze.

The moment I opened my eyes, it felt like my head was experiencing a massive attack. My stomach felt wobbly and my body seriously ached from sleeping on the floor.

"Guys, guys, stop please," I pleaded, rubbing my throbbing forehead and trying my best to sit up. Alice had sat up already, and was shaking her head as if trying to remove whatever was preventing her from opening her eyes.

"Um, Bella, uh, I think you should cover up," Emmett suggested, gesturing to my towel which was almost about to fall to my waist.

"Oh my God!" I screamed in mortification, picking it up before it could embarrass me further and holding it securely to my chest. My skin felt clammy, which could explain why sleeping in my towel, was such a bad idea.

"Em, just go," Rosalie said. "I'm sure Renée has something less destructive for you to do in the kitchen."

Emmett grumbled but obeyed his wife and stepped out of the room.

"Sometimes, I wonder why I married him," Rosalie sighed, placing her handbag on the bed.

"You were in love?" Alice asked rhetorically, standing up clumsily and walking to the bathroom.

"Yes, I was blinded by his sports car, his popularity, status and wealth."

"Wow, you're really not superficial at all," I muttered sarcastically, getting up from the floor. "I feel like a corpse." My head felt like someone was trying to plough their way into it, with a _bulldozer_.

"Sit down and eat your goddamn soup." She shoved the bowl toward me and I pushed it away, feeling a wave of nausea hit me. "Oh no, you don't. Go to the bathroom and throw up. I'm not cleaning that, too."

I swallowed heavily and hoped my stomach would cooperate with me and not puke. "Why? What else did you clean?"

"Your entire wedding reception," Rosalie replied and I grimaced in response. "You'd think people would want to leave after the wedding was canceled. But no…they were there, waiting for food and gossip with their wedding gifts after they'd just watched the groom storm out."

Of course, I had a wedding yesterday. I thought that I would be able to drink myself into a stupor and completely forget the look on Jacob's face or the rage he expressed right before he called our wedding off.

I swallowed again because my throat felt coarse and really dry. "Did you…did you see Jacob?" I croaked, almost afraid of the answer. I knew he was not okay, but I needed to know he was safe.

"No one has seen him since he left, and I mean no one. Not even Billy. Nobody has any idea where he might have gone."

I prayed to God that he wasn't lying in a ditch somewhere in Forks and crying out his sorrows. "What about Seth?"

"Seth said as soon as they got outside, he lost Jacob. How you can lose an adult is beyond me." She shrugged. "Anyway, eat your soup. Your parents are worried sick about you. They've been in your living room waiting for you, and you know those couches are not comfortable." She pushed the bowl into my hands. "And so has Jasper, Al," she shouted, the sound felt like needles were trying to penetrate through my skull.

"Ugh. I told him to fuck off!" Alice shouted back and I winced.

"How do you feel?" Rosalie asked with concern.

"Like I've been rammed by a truck and dumped on my wedding day for the second time."

Suddenly, I remembered why I always pledged never to let alcohol anywhere near my system. The hangover accompanied with the aftermath of drinking was not something I enjoyed. In fact, it greatly reduced the attractiveness of drinking. I threw up a couple of times and Rosalie continued to force me to drink plenty glasses of water and take the soup, which tasted like crap. No offense to my mother. Perhaps the whole stress of yesterday had had an effect on her cooking skills; stress and worry sometimes did that to people. Or maybe it was just my taste buds.

I considered lying in bed all day and feigning sickness, but I had to leave my room because the whole environment was causing me distress. That, and also the fact that Jacob's things reminded me that he was somewhere hurting, alone. While I was here, surrounded by family and friends who were trying to make sure I was okay. Because being dumped twice on your wedding day was such a horrible achievement that it was bound to set someone to commit suicide.

Suicide was drinking a whole bottle of Jack Daniels on an empty stomach.

I would have considered stepping out of my apartment, because in a way, all this love that I was encompassed with was indeed suffocating, believe it or not. It almost seemed like a pity party. And even though it wasn't, that was the last thing I wanted. But, alternatively, I was faced with the problematic possibility of going out and seeing people who were a witness to my failure. People who had been twice invited to my wedding in hopes of getting to the reception with the married couple, but instead watched two grooms leave me. I would have taken a pity party over that any day.

I wondered when it would be okay to be in public again, without whispers, without looks, insane remarks, or laughter. When would the mourning period subside – because that was what it felt like – before I could walk among them and pretend that this never happened?

Probably never.

Because no matter how much I tried to run from it, it did happen. And people were always going to talk about it. It certainly didn't help that I was hiding in my apartment. I couldn't hide there forever, and my family couldn't continue to watch me, as if any moment from now, I was going to jump out of my balcony.

I needed to leave. When that thought had crossed my mind in a somewhat sober state, I considered where I wanted to go. I wasn't even sure where to go, but I knew if it didn't include people from Forks, then it was good. So I told everyone I had arrived at the decision.

My mother didn't take it well.

"WHAT?" Renée's voice was sure to break the windows of my small one bedroom apartment if she kept screaming. "You can't be serious! Where will you go? You don't even know anyone outside Forks. Do you know what it's like to move somewhere and not have friends around you or people to help you get adjusted? Charlie," she turned to my father, "talk to your daughter!"

Charlie looked at me with the same expression he had used many years ago when Edward left. "I think Bella is old enough to make her own decisions, Renée. If she needs a fresh start, then I think she should take it."

I murmured my gratitude to him while Renée shot him murderous looks and continued ranting. I was almost embarrassed at her outburst, and I felt enraged that she saw me as a child.

"Miss Smith," Alice called her quietly. "I think this will be good for her. Nothing says healing like having a fresh start. I know it will be difficult, but she'll get used to it."

"She has just come out of a horrible event. She practically locked herself up for days the last time. She didn't eat, didn't talk to anyone, and didn't move from her spot. Just because she's talking to us and she's eating, doesn't mean she won't do something drastic."

"Mom!" I exclaimed, standing up, as if that would help me emphasize my point. "I'm offended that you're even saying this. I'm not freaking suicidal." I raised my voice. "Jesus, I'm almost thirty. Thirty freaking years and I haven't done anything with my life! Can't I just have this one clean break?"

And with that, the argument of me moving away from Forks had reached its verdict. Within the next three days, I packed all the things I needed. I bought another suitcase and packed all of Jacob's things into it. I wasn't sure if he was ever going to come back and get them. If he did, he would have probably burnt them. Either way, I didn't want to discard them so I left them with Alice.

I was worried that no one had still heard from him. I was too terrified to call Billy ad ask him; I didn't want to give him a heart attack, when I had already damaged his son's heart. And Jacob was probably dealing with things in the way that was easiest for him.

I looked at my almost empty apartment. Everything had been cleared out, except from the furniture, which Alice and Rosalie were going to handle. I held on to the straps of my bag and picked up my luggage. Smiling sadly, I glanced around the small living room that once held memories of happiness with my ex fiancé. I switched off the lights and went downstairs. I wore my sunglasses, even though it wasn't that sunny in Forks, and placed the hood of my jacket on before stepping out of the building and running into Alice's car. Rosalie was sitting at the back with Brady on her lap.

"Em and Jazz said they'd meet us at the airport," Alice said, turning on the engine of the car and pulling out of the parking lot.

"I can't believe you're still wearing that hood," Rosalie said from behind.

"Um, the last thing I want to see is people giving me pathetic looks as I flee from Forks with the last shred of dignity I have," I said, leaning on the armrest of my seat.

"Talk about having a reputation," Rosalie chuckled.

"I know. I'm just glad to be leaving."

We got to the airport in five hours because of the traffic. Alice punished us by singing songs from the '80's and '90s in her really horrible voice. When we arrived at the airport, and my luggage had been checked, I walked back to meet everyone. Alice and Rose were sitting and playing with Brady, while Jasper and Emmett were standing awkwardly beside them. Emmett and Rosalie were having an argument, and Jasper and Alice were trying to ignore each other.

I had already said goodbye to my parents. Renée said she didn't want to follow me to the airport because it would seem too final, whatever that meant. I just thought she didn't want to get too emotional on me. She also claimed that, since I was such an adult, I could go on my own. And Charlie was occupied with rounds he had to do at the station.

"Okay," I breathed out, clearing my throat and hoping the tension between my friends would dissolve quickly. I was not good at goodbyes, and telling the people who had been such an integral part of my life was more than difficult.

"Ready?" Rosalie asked.

"No, am I ever?"

"You know, you could stay. We could totally work this out one way or the other…together," Alice said, looking up at me sadly.

I shook my head in disapproval. "I need to do this, Al."

"I know, but it's so hard." She stood up and pulled me into a hug.

"No one said it was going to be easy," I chuckled, wiping a tear from my eye.

"Oh please, you two should not get sentimental on me right now." Rosalie said, her voice wavering with sadness as she carried Brady and stood up. "I have too much makeup on to get it ruined." She wrapped her free arm around the two of us.

"So you'll call, right? It won't be like the way Edward just disappeared. That asshole, he never even called." Alice laughed, wiping her eyes and disengaging from the hug. "I know you love him, and it feels so fucking good to say that after all this time, but don't follow in his footsteps."

"I promise, Alice. I'll call." I rolled my eyes.

"And make sure you come back, once you're ready," she said in a serious tone.

"I will." I crossed my heart. "Once I'm ready."

"So, are you sure I can't bribe you to stay?" Rosalie asked me, raising a hopeful eyebrow.

"No, you can't." I smiled.

"Keep in touch, Bella." Jasper kissed my forehead. "And call us as soon as you get there."

"No hug for sweet, ol' Em?" Emmett's dimples widened the smile on my face, and I couldn't resist, so I walked straight into his arms.

He enveloped me into a tight and warm embrace that was sure to cut off all my breathing circuits if I didn't pull away. "If you need anything, just call us. We won't come there, but we'll be at the phone." He winked.

"Gee, thanks for the dedication, Em. It makes me feel truly special." I laughed, slapping his broad shoulders.

"Okay, that's me," I said, once I heard the call for boarding. "Goodbye guys." I blew a kiss to them.

With one final wave, I turned around and walked toward the gate that signified my clean getaway.

* * *

**I am**_** so **_**sorry. I can't even tell you how sorry I am for leaving you hanging. I didn't think I would take that long to write this chapter. **

**First off, without Mrs. Boyscout and Kuntrygal – I am nothing but a cacophony. They tune me and make my words seem less stupid. **

**I would like to express my utmost gratitude for the following nominations:**

**-**_**The**__** Faithful Shipper Awards **_**for**_** Fic That Made You Cry**_**. It's over but just the fact that I was nominated makes me feel so happy. I'm grateful.**

**-_The _**_**Twilight**__**All Human Fanfiction Awards Class of 2009**_**. You can go here and vote – www(dot)twilightallhumanawards(dot)webs(dot)com. Thank you so so so much!**

**Thanks to all those who keep recc'ing me. And to everyone who is still reading and sharing your thoughts with me. I got a little busy and also lazy in sending review replies for the reviews that came later on for the last chapter. I'm sorry, but please know I appreciate every single one of them. I'll try better next time. **

**Some people asked me for an EPOV and I might write it for the next chapter. Of course, there will be a plot progression, but from his own perspective. Let me know if you'll like to read it. **

**Thank you for reading. Tell me what you think. **


	20. Back to the Dust Where I Began EPOV

**This is long. I'm sorry. Also this is EPOV. It might be confusing but just go with it.**

**I think **_**Make This Go On Forever**_** by Snow Patrol seems to work well with this chapter. A/N below.**

* * *

**~ Back to the Dust Where I Began ~**

Rejection was _so _motherfucking painful.

Rejection was like being stabbed with no ability to fight back. You just stood there, paralyzed, and watched it happen without doing anything. Because what could you do? Force the person to take you back? No, you had to accept their decision.

That was exactly how I felt when I begged Isabella not to leave and she reacted by shutting the door. It felt as if she was shutting me from her life. She had already chosen, and I realized that she had done that a long time ago. She had agreed to marry him, and since I came back, she had continued to pick him.

That shit fucking hurt more than I thought it would, if that was even possible.

My hands scrubbed my face and then rubbed my eyes and finally ran through my hair. My fingers almost pulled the roots of hair from my scalp. But even that pain couldn't compare to that fucking agony that my chest was experiencing at the moment.

I shouldn't have kissed her. I shouldn't have touched her. I shouldn't have held her that close. So close, that it hurt to let her go. So close, that I could still feel her and remember so easily what it was like to hold her, touch her and kiss her. So close, that I could still smell her on me and the scent fucking tormented me because I would never have that closeness again. So close, that I had just this one taste of what my past was ... and what I wanted for my future, for just a few moments, and I wanted to hang on to it, grasp it tightly before it slid from my fingers. Which it did – all to quickly.

I shouldn't have let her go. Why the fuck did I let her go? I should have begged until she agreed to take me back; instead, I just let her walk away and marry someone else. The heels of my palms dug into my closed eyelids in frustration.

I wondered how much she hated me now. I made her fall in love with me, I told her I loved her, I proposed to her, and then left. I came back, being the selfish prick that I am, and begged her to take me back – the guy who had absolutely nothing to offer – when she was finally moving on with her life. Which was what I originally wanted, right? I wanted her to move on without me.

But then I kissed her. I fucking kissed her on the night before her wedding! And what's even worse is that I would have taken her right there on that rug if she hadn't stopped me, because I couldn't fucking think when she was around me.

I'd never felt more like an asshole.

I picked up my black wife-beater from the bed and put it on. Grabbing a pack of cigarettes and my cell phone, I stepped out of my apartment and went to sit at the stairwell. I lit a cigarette and sent a quick text to Jazz, Em and Tan to remind them of the time of my flight. I had to settle down; my heart wouldn't stop acting like it wanted to leap out of my chest.

The expression on her face when she showed up at my door was burned into my memory. I was so shocked because she was the last person I expected to see at my door. But what the fuck did I expect? That she wouldn't react when she found out? That she'd just not care anymore? That we could fucking pretend that shit didn't happen and I didn't just leave? That I spent six years of my life like a fucking animal because I knew what I missed out on? That I was probably going back to nothing?

Who knew, perhaps this was my atonement for what happened to Jessica? My price to pay. As if the last six years wasn't a steep enough fine.

I had so many regrets. I wish I could rewind time and just get the fuck out of the car and tell her the truth. But that day, I was sure she would have hated me if I had told her. Hell, she still hated me either way.

_What the fuck were you thinking? _

She would have left me then. She would have stopped the wedding. But it would have been different because I would have stayed and spent every last fucking breath begging her for forgiveness.

Especially, if I had known the other outcome was what was happening tomorrow – Bella marrying someone else.

Now it felt like I was hundred steps behind her, trying to catch up, but failing, because there was so much distance to cover.

God, I left thinking it was better that way. I left because at that time, my twenty-one year old self thought it was easier that way – to run, to get away and stop causing havoc. Fuck him! That whole 'time healing all wounds' cliché was such bullshit. He left because he thought his best friend would have a better life without him.

Fuck him because now I was sitting on a staircase, smoking a fucking cigarette and watching my whole life walk in a different direction. How the hell did he think that it was going to be easier? Dumb kid.

And fuck _me _for not stopping her. Fuck me for not trying harder. Fuck me for not coming back earlier.

You were six years too late, Edward.

When she left, I couldn't find the will to chase her. She had read the journal. She knew everything. She had seen what I could do. She knew the secret that had been crushing me with its weight since the day I kept it, and she was so fucking right to choose him. He was so much better than me. He'd probably never even dreamed of leaving her.

Yeah, he would've been that son of a bitch who came home early from work. The one with a smile on his face all because he was coming home to _her_. The one who showed his wife off to his colleagues. He probably cooked, too. And then he would've made her watch the game with him. He didn't smoke either, so he would probably live longer. They would have a big house. They'd have kids together, then grand kids, maybe even great grand kids. They'd live a full, successful life, then die old together, both of them lying in each others' arms.

The lucky motherfucker.

The regret was so heavy. Suddenly, all those years of being apart didn't seem like such a great idea. I realized everything I had planned was such–

The door opened behind me, interrupting my thoughts, but I didn't bother to look. I figured it was just some random person who wanted to use the staircase. The sound of slippers slapping against the floor approached me.

A feminine presence sat beside me. From the corner of my eye, I noticed she was picking at her red colored nails, which looked like a cat had scratched them. I was not in the mood for company. I just wanted to smoke the whole pack of cigarettes in my pocket in solitude.

"You know Bella's wedding's tomorrow." Jane's voice interrupted my thoughts, again.

It was a statement, not a question. And even if it wasn't, I wasn't going to answer.

However, I did feel a pang deep within my chest. Then I took a slow, long pull from my cig.

"Are you going?" She continued, "I think they forgot my invitation, but I'm going anyway."

I sighed, wondering what exactly she wanted. Suddenly, I needed a drink.

"I don't think the wedding's going to hold anyway. You know Bella's bad luck with weddings. She doesn't seem to know her way to the end of the aisle and–"

At that point, my head whipped toward her in annoyance. My eyes must have been radiating all the fucking rage I was feeling at that moment because she paused. I cracked my neck before cracking my knuckles. "Walk away, Jane," I said in an extremely pinched tone, suddenly feeling really tired.

She smiled. "What's the matter, Edward? I'd have thought you didn't want her to get married."

I rested my head on the iron bars of the handrail and exhaled a deep breath along with a spew of smoke. I tapped the top of the cigarette and watched the ash fall to the next step. I would have to be a bad person to have had that kind of thought. I would also have to be a fucking liar if I told myself that I wanted her to get married to anyone else but me.

I wanted her to get married. I wanted her to be happy, extremely happy, but I felt depressed that she chose him. That it wasn't _me_. My thoughts were such a contradiction.

It was okay that she chose him. I didn't give her much of a choice. I walked away first. And in life, every reaction had an equal and opposite reaction. In physics, that was Newton's third law. In life, that was fucking karma.

Taking a long drag, I looked deeply into Jane's eyes. I could have said something to her so she'd leave me alone, but I just didn't have the strength to waste on her. "Bye Jane," I said, blowing a cloud of smoke directly in front of her face before standing up. I picked up my phone from the floor and walked away, flicking the butt of the cig into the trashcan and not caring if it entered or not.

"We all end up alone, Edward." I heard her say as I shut the door.

I entered back into my apartment and rested my back against the door. I wanted to release the stress, frustration, anger and resentment brewing in me. I closed my eyes and remembered the activities that had taken place a couple of minutes ago. I licked my lips, tasting last vestiges of hurt, anger, regret, lust – of her – that lingered on my lips.

I remembered how she fucking looked at me, the anger in her eyes, the sting of her hand against my cheek, the way she touched me like she wanted to claw my flesh out. I remembered the way our bodies were attuned to each other, memorizing for the future but still reminiscing about the past.

I pulled away from the door, picking a bottle of Patron and a glass before walking to the living room. I filled the glass halfway and downed the liquid in a swift swig. Then filled it again, collapsing on the couch and finishing the contents.

I remembered the way her skin felt, the way both of us fought for some semblance of control over each other, as I gazed into the fireplace. I remembered the vows – I had obsessed over them for three days before the wedding, and even tonight, they still didn't feel good enough.

A knock on the door startled me for a bit, and when I realized it was Tanya, I told her to come in.

"You look like shit," she said, dropping her handbag on top of the table in front of me.

I ran my fingers through my hair. "Isabella was here," I said, accompanying my comment with a swig of Patron.

"Oh," she replied, glancing around the room. "So, she knows you're leaving?" she asked, sitting next to me.

"Yeah." I leaned back into the couch, staring at my ceiling.

"Did you tell her what you wanted to tell her?" I heard the flick of a lighter and I assumed she was lighting a cig for herself.

"Yeah." Exhaustion and the effects of the alcohol made me close my eyes. An image of her furiously hitting my chest with her bag flashed in my head.

"Wow, she must have not taken it well. I can see her hand print on your face." I didn't reply. "So, are you going to the wedding?"

"She asked me to."

"Yes, but are you_ going_?"

"Yeah, she wants me there. I don't have a choice."

I heard her swirl the glass of alcohol. "You should add ice and Coke to this; it makes it more enjoyable."

Tanya never liked drinking tequila straight. She liked adding soda or some other mixer. She hated the bitter taste of liquor.

But, I wasn't drinking for pleasure. I was looking for something to placate the all-too-familiar feeling spreading through my chest at the realization that Isabella was actually getting married tomorrow.

I welcomed the bitter taste. I relished the sharp smoothness against my tongue. And I awaited the moment when that range of emotions within me dissolved into a soothing numbness.

"You should finish packing if you want to make your flight and also show up for the wedding," Tanya said, reminding me of her presence once again.

"Yeah, I should." I poured more Patron into my glass and downed it quickly before moving back to my bedroom.

I dropped the empty glass on the bedside table, suddenly wondering why the hell I brought it to the room in the first place. I glanced around my room, almost everything was packed.

My fingers wrapped around the edge of the open suitcase lying on the bed. Before I could even think about what I was doing, I flung it toward the closet. It hit the wooden door with a resounding, satisfying _thwack_. I pulled the lamp on my bedside table and threw it on the floor, the lamp shade bent and the bulb smashed to pieces. Next thing was the empty glass, then the useless bedside table, and everything after that, I didn't register. I kept tossing things around like a kid throwing a tantrum.

My balled fist drove into the wall.

_Isabella Marie Swan is getting married tomorrow and there's nothing I can do about it._

"Fuck!" I drew my hand back in pain and then punched the fucking wall again.

~!$!~

"That's fucking messed up, man," Jasper said, crushing the end of his cigarette into an empty plate on the table.

"Yeah," I replied, pushing my hair away from my face.

I had just told Jasper everything I couldn't bring myself to say to Isabella's face – everything she had to read in my journal. Now that she knew, I could tell the others. It was easier to tell Jazz, not because he and I were very close, but because I really had no space left in my mind to give a damn about what he thought.

I was too concerned with trying to deal with the acceptance of Isabella's wedding.

"You know, if I were Bella, I'd think you…" he trailed off. "Damn, Edward! I'm not even gonna lie to you. You screwed up. Big time. Like this fucking massive screw up."

"I know." I blew out a cloud of smoke and watched it hang in the air.

"You know sometimes, I really think you have brains, but this is just…" he said. "I don't even know what to say."

I closed my eyes. _Just stop fucking tell me how much I screwed up, already. I know._ I was so exhausted. Nothing mattered now. She was getting married today, in a few hours. There was no more time left to repair the damage. She didn't want me to fix this.

"You should have told her, dude. Hell, you should have told me, instead of making rash decisions when you clearly weren't thinking. I could have helped you. I'm your fucking man, for heaven's sake. We could have worked that shit out. She loved you. Why did you have to wait so long?"

"Look, shut up Jazz!" I shouted in frustration, standing up from the couch and pacing back and forth. "I did it! I did this! I fucked up. Fine, I should have told her, but I didn't. I didn't. So now, she fucking hates me and she's getting fucking married. I screwed up. I agree. I get it. Just shut the fuck up." I picked the glass on the table and finished the remaining drink before smacking the glass against the table.

"I'm going to take a shower and get ready for my flight and the fucking wedding. When Tan calls, tell her to meet me at the hall," I said, walking into the bathroom and slamming the door.

I placed my hands on the sink. I didn't mean to take out my frustration on Jazz, but what was done was done. There was no point in worrying over shit you couldn't change. I picked up the razor and shaving cream.

~!$!~

I got out of the car and glanced around my surroundings. There were so many fucking people around, walking, laughing, smiling, holding gifts. If I didn't know better I'd have thought it was summer, and the warm weather was affecting everyone's mood. But from the snow on the ground, I knew it was still winter. I shrugged and spotted Alice, Jasper and some other guy, all standing at the entrance of the building.

"Okay, so this is totally not awkward," Alice said sarcastically, her eyes shifting from Jasper to the guy who stood next to her, as I approached them.

I stood amongst the triangle of lovers, taking a pack of cigarette from my pocket and lighting one. Alice seemed like a piece of meat in the midst of two hungry wolves, and if I was in the mood, I'd have thought that shit was amusing.

Instead, I completely zoned out and scanned the place, not exactly sure what I was looking for. All these people were here to witness the wedding of my best friend. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel…happy? Yeah, friends were supposed to be happy in circumstances like this. But I didn't feel happy. At all. The sights, the sounds, the happiness, the laughter, the people, the colors – so many fucking colors – bridesmaids, children and wedding gifts – it was like seeing yourself die in slow motion. Seeing an end you never predicted.

_Way to be really fucking melodramatic, Edward_. It probably was the alcohol that still lingered in my system. In fact, I needed another one. Running my hands through my hair, I looked at the building, wondering if she was even here yet. I saw the movement of a curtain behind one of the windows, and then turned to Alice.

"Alice, where's Isa…where's Bella?" I asked, rubbing the back of my neck with my right hand and holding my cig in the left.

Alice narrowed her eyes at me, but her attention was too caught up by the two men standing beside her acting like kids fighting for the last cone of ice-cream.

"Upstairs. But you better be nice, Edward," she said, dismissing me. "Three floors up, the last room on the left."

"Thanks."

I threw my cigarette on the ground and crushed it beneath my shoe, before walking into the building. I kept my head down as I passed the hall in which the wedding was taking place. I wanted to avoid my mother, my family and my friends or anyone who knew me. I didn't think I could hold a conversation with anyone at that moment. My legs carried me up the stairs as fast as I could, arriving at the corridor. I counted my steps while walking toward the room Isabella was in.

When I got there, I stood in front of the door and stared at the knob for a minute. _Would she even want to see me? Yeah, she would, she asked you to come. _I reached out for the knob three times before I worked up the courage to twist it and open the door.

And there she was…dressed in white. The gown was stunning, but she made it even more beautiful. All her curves were accentuated perfectly and I almost imagined my hands tracing the outline of her body, her hips, her…I swallowed. I hadn't seen her face yet and I could already tell how gorgeous she looked. It was so hard to look at her, but then it was harder not to. I couldn't remember exactly what the last wedding dress looked like, but this was fucking perfect.

She was perfect.

"Al, please could you help me button this?" she asked, struggling with the buttons. "I can't seem to reach."

I crossed to the other side of the room and stood behind her. I traced the button holes and looked at her bare back before buttoning the dress.

I wanted to say something, anything. I wanted her to turn to me. I wanted her to fucking look at me. But she continued looking out the window. She was probably still so mad that she couldn't talk to me. Now that she had read the journal and she had slept on it; she probably thought I was a monster. She must have been so disgusted with me that she couldn't even look at me.

Before I could stop myself, my fingers stroked her skin, her beautiful, delicious skin. I leaned closer to her and took a deep breath. I was assaulted with her scent. I wasn't sure what it was. I think it was her hair shampoo, or maybe a perfume, or maybe it was just her. Whatever it was, the fragrance was soothing.

I traced her shoulder, thinking of something to say to her.

_Isabella, I'm sorry. _

_Isabella, will you ever forgive me?_

_Isabella, tell me how to fix this. _

_Isabella, please don't leave me. _

_I never meant to hurt you. Believe me, when I say I didn't want to hurt you._

_I took six years away from you, from us. But I could – no, would – dedicate my whole damned life to make this right if only you give me one more shot. _

_I love you and…I, I am so fucking sorry. _

But all those words were empty vessels that could not carry the gravity of my feelings. I placed my lips on her right shoulder and planted a kiss, soft and warm, on her skin.

"Isabella…you look," I started, looking for the right word to describe how beautiful she looked. "You look…" I inhaled and squeezed my eyes shut against the headache I was feeling. "So fucking beautiful." I breathed out.

"You know, I've dreamed of this day countless times." I laughed at myself.

_There was once a time, I thought I was going to be the only fucking man you needed in your life. _

"I've wished for it every fucking night, except," I paused and looked away from her, "I was the one marrying you."

I lowered my head to her neck to inhale that comforting scent that surrounded her. My lips were at the curved rim of her ear. "I once told you that your happiness made me fucking happy. Is it so wrong of me not to be happy now that you're finally…?" I closed my eyes. "Happy?" I opened them and the brown strands of her hair caressed my cheek. "Friends are supposed to be happy for each other on a day like this, and yet, I can't bring myself to be. Your happiness fucking _hurts_, Isabella."

I took a step away from her, raking my hair. I couldn't be here. I couldn't fucking do this. We both knew that it was dangerous for me to be here. I couldn't pretend that I was happy, when I wasn't. I couldn't support her decision, as much as I wanted to. I didn't want her to move on without me. I wanted her to be with me. And that wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to move on.

I walked back to the door and opened it, casting one glance at Isabella. I noticed that every time I left, I only had one image of her and in that memory; she was always wearing a wedding dress.

"Please tell me to stay, Isabella," I said in a small voice. "Tell me that you want me. Tell me that you still love me and you forgive me." _Say something._ "Say I should stay." I looked toward the empty corridor. "I would give up every goddamn thing just to be with you. Just please tell me to stay."

But she never replied. I waited and she didn't even turn around to look at me. Yesterday, I begged her and she shut the fucking door. Today, I begged, and she wouldn't even look at me. I wasn't exactly expecting her to forgive me. I knew it wasn't going to be that easy, but I couldn't take her silence.

Her silence was so much worse.

There were so many crimes I had committed in our youth and she had forgiven me, but leaving her …that was probably unforgivable.

I twisted my neck and left the room, leaving the door opened just in case she changed her mind. Just in case she wanted to stop me. Just in case she called my fucking name, I would be able to hear as I descended the stairs.

But there was nothing. Nothing but silence.

I got downstairs and the hall was swamped with people laughing, chatting and getting ready for the ceremony as cheerful, instrumental music droned on. I wanted to say goodbye to my parents – even though I had done that yesterday – and to Emmett, who I could see running around carrying a bunch of stuff, but I couldn't go in there.

I saw Renee coming out of the hall and took that as my cue to get the hell out of there. The wintry air bit into my chest as I stepped outside.

"Hey, Edward, where were you?" Jasper asked, climbing up the small stone steps to meet me.

"Uh, um, I just went to see Isabella." I looked at my watch. "But I have to get going now."

"You're leaving now?" he asked, his brow arching upwards.

"Well, yeah. I can't–I can't stay."

Even as I said the words, I knew I was a fucking coward. I couldn't watch her get married to another man, when years ago, that would have been me. And besides Isabella didn't say I should stay. She said I should come, but she didn't say I should _stay_.

"Oh, okay." Jasper nodded his head. "I think you should stay." He slid his hands into the pockets of his black pants while I looked at him with disbelief. If Alice was getting married to that dude, what was his name? Philip? Paul? Peter? Whatever the fuck it was, would he have stayed and watched? "Well, not for the wedding," he said, when he saw the look on my face.

"Look, I understand that you want to leave because you can't handle…this." He nudged his head toward the wedding hall. "But I think you should stay, Edward. This place is your home. You can't keep running away from home."

My gaze dropped to the snow on the ground. He was right. Forks was my home. Actually, Isabella was my home, but not anymore. "Home is wherever you want it to be, Jazz."

"Okay, well, let me at least drive you to the–"

"That's not necessary, Jazz. I got this, besides you've got to be here for the wedding, Isabella needs you. And I already have a ride, but thanks, man." I patted his shoulders before climbing down the stairs.

"So…wait." Jasper called behind me while I scanned the cars in the driveway, looking for Tan's car. "You'll call when you get to whe–"

"Yeah, I'll call." I assured him with a quick glance and resumed my search for Tan.

"I'm sorry, man." He held my right hand and wrapped his left hand around my shoulder, giving me a one-armed hug.

"Yeah, me too."

"Don't be a stranger," he said, giving me a serious look.

"Yeah, you too, and sort out that stuff with Alice. Tell Em, we'll catch up later."

"Okay."

"Thanks Jazz. Bye," I said, finally spotting Tan and her silver car.

I walked to the car and entered it, without casting a backward glance at the hall. Tanya tried to smile as I entered the car, but failed and instead cleared her throat while she started the car.

"How's the wedding?" she asked, pulling out of the parking lot.

"Don't know. Didn't stay." I leaned back on the chair and closed my eyes, placing my elbow on the armrest.

It took us about twenty minutes to get to the airport. Once we got there, I got out, pulling my suitcase and bags from the trunk. Tanya stood by the side of the car in her winter jacket and a pair of jeans, her blonde hair was flying over the place with the wind. Her eyes were framed with a pair of sunglasses, which she placed at the top of her head when I was ready to walk into the airport.

"I could, uh, I could follow you," she said, stopping me from proceeding into the building.

I stood there, with my back facing her, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. My right palm rubbed my eye. "And why would you want to do that, Tan?" I asked.

We had been over this before.

"Because I care, Edward," she replied, coming to stand in front of me. "I care, no matter what you think. I care. Because I've been there when you've fucking crashed. Because I'm your friend. Because I know that when you get back to Canada, you're going to…fuck, Edward, I'm–"

"Tan, please let's not talk about this," I said, regretting why I brought it up in the first place. I would have thought that by now, she would have understood. "I have a plane to catch."

"Why, Edward? Why is it so hard to believe that I'm in love with you? You never want to acknowledge it? Why? I get that you're still in love with her or whatever, but she's not here. She's not the one telling you to stay. She's not saying she'd follow you anywhere. She's getting married, Edward."

"Tanya," I said in a brusque tone, clearing my throat. I didn't really have the energy to have this conversation now.

"No, Edward, you need to listen. She's getting fucking married to that Jacob guy and what's going to happen to you? You're just gonna, what? Wait, until one day, she decides that she wants to be with you? Edward, she's never going to do that. She's never going to choose you. You guys are over. You can't keep living your life, wishing and hoping that one day she's going to come back into it. She's not. She's over you."

"Tan," I said, feeling tired already. "You don't get it."

"I don't get what?" she crossed her arms and stared at me, waiting.

"She's been my whole life, Tan. She's been my whole life since…since I can fucking remember. She's not just some girl, she's not just some high school crush, or some woman I fucking proposed to, Tan. She's been the only fucking woman, apart from my mother, who's been constantly in my life even when she wasn't. Now, yes, she's getting married today. And yes, she might be completely fucking over me. But I'm not over her. And the truth is I don't think I ever will be. No matter what anyone says or does, she's _it_. And she has always been it for me. And if it's not her, it's no one else," I finished.

"I'm sorry I fucking hurt you. I seem to hurt a lot of people. But you knew this before we even became close friends, before we even slept together. You fucking knew who she was to me, and I told you that I can't. So I can't Tan."

I picked up my suitcase and bags from the ground, walking into the airport.

~!$!~

"Hey! Edward!" Tony, the barkeeper, shouted as soon as I walked into the pub.

"Hey Tony." I tried to muster up the same enthusiasm he had for my presence, but gave up.

There was absolutely nothing to be fucking enthusiastic about and there was no point in pretending. I walked to the bar and sat on one of the stools.

"What's up? It's been so long. I heard you left. You did leave, right?" he asked, pouring a couple of beers for the people sitting on my right.

"Yeah, I went home," I said, "but I'm back."

"It's good to have you back. First drink is on the house; take it as a welcome back gift." He smiled, leaning against the counter and rubbing his hands. "What can I get you, Edward?"

"Single malt whisky."

"Coming right up," Tony said, disappearing under the counter to get what I assumed was a glass.

All my muscles and nerves seemed taut, as if they were coiled tightly, and they didn't relax until that glass of scotch glided down my throat. It had been hours since I left Forks. As soon as I got back, I checked into a hotel and fell asleep for what seemed to be hours. I was really hoping I could wake up and forget what happened today, but I couldn't. I took a shower and tried not to think about what I'd left behind and found myself taking a cab to Tony's bar.

It was two hours to midnight, which meant that Isabella had been happily married in her white gown. They had probably danced until the sun went down. People had deluged them with congratulatory gifts and they had gone to wherever they were staying for their…

Fuck, he was probably already making love to her. I tossed the liquid in my glass down my throat. The thought of another man with her or perhaps it was just the alcohol, what number of drink was I on? I didn't fucking know, but both of it combined together made my eyes water. I brushed it off and ordered another one.

"Are you sure you _really _want another glass, Edward?" Tony – the guy with two heads bouncing together to try and form one image – asked.

"Yeah, sure."

"You alright?" he asked, looking at me carefully.

_No Tony, I'm not fucking alright. My best friend got married today and it hurts. It hurts a lot because she used to be my fiancée, but I left her on our wedding day, and now she won't fucking look at me. She asked me to come to her wedding, but she didn't look at me. She didn't speak to me. And now she's Mrs. Isabella Fuck, If I Know What His Last Fucking Name Is. _

_So if I want a fucking drink, give it to me and stop asking stupid questions. It's been a long…_

I wasn't sure if I had said that out loud, or if I just thought it in my head but Tony seemed to work with me by nodding his head and saying something before sliding the glass to me.

They wouldn't have used a condom, would they? I mean, why the fuck would they have used a condom on the night of their wedding? That meant she would get pregnant and carry his fucking child. Another glass and soon the drink started to comfort me.

That should've been me. That should have been me in a fucking tux, getting ready to promise to love her for eternity. That should have been me in her bed, making love to her and whispering all that romantic shit to her. The whole clichéd painting of a family, with her as the wife and mother should have been mine. I downed another glass.

_I'm fucking sorry, Isabella. I am sorry that I screwed it all up and made you…and hurt you. And even though I didn't have a chance to make it better, I hope that someday you'll talk to me and…_I lost my train of thought as a woman with blonde hair and big boobs protruding from her blouse sat next to me, shoving my arm.

"Is this seat taken?" she asked stupidly. She was asking if the seat was taken when she had already occupied it. I shook my head, as if all the thoughts and images would fly out if I did, then swirled the drink in my glass. "So," she said breathlessly, leaning toward me. "You having a tough night?"

I turned and looked at her, staring into her eyes with an arched brow with a 'fuck off' signature on it.

"What's her name?" she continued.

"What?" I responded, wondering why she was still talking to me.

"Her name – the girl who drove you to drink – what's her name?"

I ignored her and asked the bartender for another drink. She continued looking at me, expecting an answer. After getting my drink, I took a sip and turned to her.

"I know this girl. She's a woman really. She's…she's got brown hair and it's really soft. And she smells like…she smells like…" My brows drew closer together, trying to remember what she smelled like. "I don't fucking know what she smells like. I can't remember, which is funny because I was with her this morning." I suddenly felt very sad. "Anyway, I've known her for a very long time. She's…she was all I had."

Could she still be considered as my best friend? Could I still think that about her now that she was a married woman? Was that a sin? Thinking about another man's wife? It probably was, but then I was already going to hell.

"So what happened?"

I snapped back to the woman sitting beside me, wondering why I even started talking to her in the first place. I didn't come to the bar to spew out my life issues. "Today's her wedding day," I said curtly, swallowing my drink swiftly.

I'd had enough. The alcohol was certainly not helping. Instead, it made me start talking to strange women with big boobs in bars who had absolutely no business knowing my life. I pulled out my wallet and slapped a couple of American bills on the counter. I was pretty sure I had left an enormous tip because I hadn't counted the money. Good for Tony, I thought.

"I can make you feel better, you know. I can make you feel good," she said.

I laughed really hard, so hard that I could almost taste bile on my tongue. I stood up, feeling disoriented. The world seemed to spin faster on its axis. My body swayed and I almost fell on the bar stool. She tried to help me and I responded by muttering, "Fuck off."

"I can make you forget about her," she said, persistently.

I thought about the look on Isabella's face when I'd told her I slept with Tanya. I remembered how betrayed she felt, how the pain and anger had been so transparent that she pushed me off the boat.

I wondered what she would think now if I took this woman home. Would she even care now that she was married?

I tried to remember what the blonde told me. Yeah, she had said she could make me forget Isabella. I laughed again.

"You can't. No offense." I turned away from her.

I didn't want to feel good. I wanted to feel miserable. I lost something that was very dear to me. And I definitely didn't want to forget her. I couldn't even if I wanted to.

"Edward, you sure you can go home? Maybe I should get you a taxi. Sit down; I'll call you a cab." I heard Tony's voice behind me.

"Naaaah, I'm gooood. I can…walk," I slurred.

"Walk?" Tony asked. There was probably an incredulous tone in his voice, but I wasn't sure. Was he telling me or was he asking?

"G'night Tony!" I waved my hand, stumbling out of the bar. The wind slapped my face and whipped my hair uncontrollably. I tried to move my feet, one after the other, in what I could imagine was walking.

I spotted a man and a woman in a heated argument at the side of a building that looked like a school with an empty basketball court. It probably was a school in the afternoon with the basketball court filled with lively children, but right now it was empty and desolate. A couple of transvestites passed me, along with women who wore really fucking high boots with heels that were probably longer than my dick.

The voices of the couple intensified in the night and a sound of a slap cut through the noise. I turned to see the woman holding her face and yelling curses at the guy in a foreign language that sounded like Italian. I didn't know what happened, but suddenly, I was drawn to them. I found myself crossing the street and walking in haste to meet them before my mind could process what my body was doing, and mostly, before he could hit her again.

"Hey dude," I called, gaining his attention. "Pick on someone your…your own size."

"Excuse me?" the guy removed his eyes from the woman and turned to me.

"You heard me, I said pick on someone your own fucking size."

"Are you talking to me?" he asked, pointing to himself and glancing around, as if there was someone other than the woman standing beside him. What the fuck was he? Blind?

"Yeah, I'm talking to you. Who the fuck do you think I'm talking to?"

"Mind your business."

"Look, when you raise your hand to a woman who can't defend herself, it becomes someone else's business. Didn't they teach you manners? You don't fucking hit women."

"If you know what's good for you. You'll back off while you have the chance." He stood in front of me, chest–to–chest, glaring.

"And if I don't?" My brow arched up. A rush of adrenaline flowed through my body at the flash of anger in his eyes. My body welcomed the first punch that went straight through to my stomach.

_Fuck, that hurt_, I thought, swallowing hard. The harsh winter air filled my lungs. It was almost too painful to breathe.

"What? You can't defend yourself? All talk and no action? Where's your bravery now?" The force of his fist connected with the side of my face, and I saw stars, and they were definitely not the ones in the sky. Because there were none in the sky. I licked my lips and tasted blood. "Come on, stand up, you pathetic thing and fight me back."

I wasn't even aware that I was on the ground until my eyes saw the patch of snow that was next to my face.

"Marcus, stop it, you're hurting him," the woman cried.

Hurt – the pain on the outside wasn't equal to that on the inside. How much hurt had I caused Isabella, that she couldn't even speak to me? How hard had she cried that she wouldn't even look at me?

Guilt – did this asshole, who had decided to slap a woman, even feel that?

The weight of the guilt was so unbearable, so tangible, that I could feel it pressing against my chest. We'd had quarrels before, we'd fought really hard and not spoken for weeks, but this was different.

This feeling felt completely different.

"_Perhaps it's not something you can fix,"_ she had said. _"Perhaps there's no resolution for it."_

Maybe she was right. I couldn't bring Eric back from the dead. I couldn't fucking stop myself from leaving. Maybe not everything could be fixed.

Regret – I laughed at myself again. The feeling was so raw. "Is that all you've got, big guy?" I asked when he started to walk away from me. "Just a few punches, that's all? What a fucking waste." I taunted him and he stopped in his tracks. He spun and grabbed me by the throat, narrowing my passage for air.

I could have punched him, my hands were completely free – palms were spread open by my sides. In fact, I imagined myself punching his ribs and kicking him below the belt, and then lifting him twelve feet in the air with my hands wrapped around his neck. I imagined my balled fist battering all the bones in his face until he bled. I imagined my knuckles doing damage to his nose until he couldn't breathe. I imagined all but did none. I had no fight, no urge to fight. Perhaps if he decided he wanted to hit the woman again, I would've.

Instead I welcomed the pound of his fist that drove into my chest and then my stomach. The cold air amplified the pain. The impact of his blow against my stomach made blood rise in my mouth and soil that patch of clean, white snow on the ground. I invited the blow that landed on the exact spot Isabella had slapped. I welcomed the apex of his shoe digging into my empty stomach and the loud noise of someone screeching and crying followed by a siren.

I laid there and stared at the sky. I welcomed it all, but even then, the pain on the outside didn't compare to the pain my soul felt on the inside.

~!$!~

I took a deep breath and dialed the number of my father's house. Someone picked up on the fourth ring before I could hang up. It was Esme.

"Hello?" she asked. Her voice removed any trace of anxiety within me.

I exhaled. "Hello, Mom."

"Edward?" she asked, the uncertainty was so poignant. "Is that–is that you?"

"Yes, Mom. It's me." I leaned against the wall.

"Oh my God! Edward!" she screamed into the phone, and I had to keep it a few inches away from my ear to prevent myself from becoming deaf. "I told you, Carlisle. I told you, he would call," she yelled to my father.

I smiled at the joy that radiated from her voice. It had been four and a half months since I left Forks. I had tried to call them before, but I hadn't been sure I was ready to talk.

"How are you?" she asked, but didn't allow me to reply before she went on. "I hope you're healthy and you've stopped smoking, that habit is dangerous to your health. You'd think that your father, the doctor, would at least teach you a thing or two about lung cancer and how your life is shortened because of–"

"Ma, I'm…I'm fine."

"Okay," she said in a small voice. "Are you really fine, Edward?"

"Yes." I lied. And then thought of how that was unnecessary because she would still worry. Mothers always worried, even when everything was good.

"Because Bella didn't–"

I felt like someone was about to punch me in the stomach. "Mom, please, please, don't talk about her."

"I'm just trying to tell you–"

"I don't want to know," I snapped.

"But Edward, she didn't–"

"Fuck, Ma! I'll hang up this damn phone if you bring her up." I raised my voice, and then immediately felt guilty. I hated disrespecting my mother, but I couldn't take any news about Isabella, except if something bad had happened to her, and I knew that wasn't the case. I didn't want anything bad to happen to her, I just didn't want to talk yet.

"Okay, okay. No more talking about Bella."

"Thanks. I'm really sorry, ma. I love you. I'm stressed and I just…I can't fu–deal with that right now. How is Dad? And Jasper and Emmett? Are they…are they good? Is Alice okay? And what about Rosalie?" I inquired, effectively changing the topic.

"Yes, Edward. They're all fine. Although, they're expecting to hear from you. When are you going to call them?"

"Soon, ma, soon."

~!$!~

It was on a windy afternoon. I was about to drop Isabella at home. We stood in front of her house and she had the widest smile on her face because I had gotten her a necklace that she had really wanted for her birthday. That smile almost knocked the fucking wind out of me. We were at the part where I was supposed to tell her that she was beautiful and I missed her already, even though we had spent the whole day together. I was supposed to lean and kiss her. Her pink lips were so fucking tempting, I had to restrain myself.

"So, I have something I wanna tell you," I said, sliding my hands into my pockets and rocking on the heels of my Nikes.

"Okay." Her eyebrows drew a look of confusion on her face. She was so fucking cute when she was trying to figure out what I was up to.

"It's kinda a secret. Can you keep a secret?" I asked, smirking and wrapping my arms against my chest as she glanced around for anyone. I thought about making her sweat just a little bit.

"What? Do you know something that I don't? Is Rosalie pregnant?" she asked and I laughed loudly.

"No. Rose is _not _pregnant." I said, wondering why she would even think of that. "Well, not that I know of." And even if Rose was pregnant, why would she have told me? I swore my girlfriend was crazy sometimes.

"Okay, so what is it?"

"Come closer." I lowered my voice to the low, deep tone that I usually used to seduce her. She stepped closer, still trying to figure out what it was that I wanted to say and why I couldn't just say it.

"Still closer," I said softly and she leaned toward me.

"A little closer." I licked my lower lip as she closed the distance between us and her breasts pushed against my chest. Fuck. "You're not close enough." My voice was almost a whisper.

Then, I bent my lips to her ear, making sure to graze the curve of flesh. She shivered. I enjoyed knowing that I still had that effect on her. "You're very special, you know that right?" I whispered, blowing air on the small hairs standing on her neck. "And I love you."

After saying those words, I turned away, leaving her dumbfounded on the sidewalk in front of her house. I knew she was still standing there in shock as I walked away from her. I wanted to turn back and look at the bemused expression on her face and store it in my mind. We hadn't mentioned the _love _word yet, and I wanted to surprise her, especially by saying it first.

"But Edward," she finally called and I stopped, still not looking at her. "You didn't wait for me to say it back."

I smiled genuinely. "You don't have to," I said and then walked away.

We were nineteen.

"Edward? Edward, focus!" Sophia said, snapping my attention back. I realized I was not in my nineteen year-old body. Instead I was sitting in my office with a man and a woman staring at me

expectantly.

Right, I was at work, I thought. "Um, yes, Mrs. Foster, you said you wanted a four bedroom house for you and Mr. Foster?" I asked, looking at the file in front of me. "Close to Lakeshore?"

"Yes." The woman nodded, holding her husband's hand affectionately. "We have plans." She looked at her husband lovingly. "We'll have a big house with three children, I think. Dan wants two boys and one girl, but I want two girls and a boy." She turned her gaze back to us.

I hoped she knew that life didn't go according to plan. Life wasn't something that could be put on a table or on a parallel motion drawing board or spread out like a blue print with a marker and a pencil. For all she knew, she could have three girls or three boys, then what would happen then? She could also have none.

_Why the fuck was I thinking about this?_

"That's nice." Sophia smiled. "You two just got married?"

"Last year, but we finally decided to have kids this year. So we decided…" she trailed off. "It was nice to have a place to ourselves, but sometimes being stuck with him drives me crazy. I love him, but sometimes I want something else."

The meeting went on for about an hour or two, where they proceeded to tell me the requirements their house needed, how many bathrooms they wanted, how big the kitchen should be. Sometimes, the kitchen was the main focus for women. I showed them a couple of floor plans and told them I'd do a sketch that I could show them next week, and then gather a team that could help with the project.

"Edward, it's late." Sophia poked her head inside my office as I stood, staring at the colorful lights of the CN tower from my window. "You should go home. I'm heading out now, goodnight."

It was September, and work had become the most important thing in my life. Every day was just a routine, and sometimes, it was like I wasn't really there. I just watched, worked, and drank on really hard, tiring days.

~!$!~

"So you still haven't called your friends back in Forks. Why is that?" Charlotte asked, sliding her glasses up her nose and holding a black, bound notebook and a pen.

"I've been busy." I replied, rubbing my forearm.

"Working?"

"Yeah."

"So what does work offer? The same thing as the alcohol and the bar fights offered? Does it make you feel the same way?"

"They were all just diversions really. The fights released anger. And I didn't drink that much, I had to be lucid enough to work. And work is a distraction." I stared at the scraped part of her desk, wondering what happened to it.

"Distraction from what exactly?"

"Feeling."

She wrote something in her notebook. "You haven't told me about Isabella's wedding. You keep avoiding it. Is that…is that the reason for the distraction? Or you just feel…lost as you said before?"

I closed my eyes and ran my hands over my face. I had been doing therapy once a week since July. It was November and not once had we discussed Isabella or what happened between us.

"I feel like I've lost someone. I feel grief," I said, covering my face. "And it's worse than…" I drew in a breath. "It's worse than Eric or maybe it's the same. I don't fucking know. I feel like I had a chance to make it right and I didn't." I looked up and saw her nodding and writing something in her book.

"Did you apologize when you were there? Tell her how you felt?"

"Not really. I mean, I did but I also…I kind of…I just…I wanted her to forgive me, so I imposed my will. Well, not exactly. I didn't want to believe I was losing her, so I acted like I wasn't."

"Why'd you have to wait until the last minute to tell her the truth?"

"I couldn't stand to see judgment from her, or disgust."

"And how did she respond?"

"Well, she slapped me and then said it wasn't my fault. But then I went to see her and she wouldn't fucking look at me."

"It could be that she was just hurt, and she finally knew the reason why you left her. It's a lot to accept, especially when you've been waiting for years for the answer."

"Yeah."

"Is that why you're still holding on to her?"

"I'm an architect. I plan people's houses and those houses become their homes. It's what I'm fucking good at. Planning. Designing. Programming. An architect _always_ has a plan. When you have a goal, you always have a plan to help you reach that goal. I used to have a fucking goal. To be successful, to share that success with someone. But I can't plan. I can sketch the foundation for houses, condos, schools, office buildings, I can come up with a fucking program. But I can't plan mine. I can't plan mine because she was the plan. She was the drive. She was the program. She made the whole thing worth…worth doing it. And she's gone." I leaned back into the chair. "So I don't have a plan. No motivation. No drive. She was the plan."

I laughed, running my hands through my hair. "I thought I had her, but really, she had me."

"Nothing goes as planned, Edward."

"Don't I fucking know it."

"Nothing is perfect. Everything changes, so maybe it's time for you to change also. Maybe you need a new plan."

"Yeah, maybe."

~!$!~

"Dude, it's now you're calling me? It took you a whole year when I specifically said call me when you get to wherever the hell you were going to. It's now?" Jasper asked in irritation.

"I'm sorry, Jazz. I've been busy." I walked over to the couch.

"It's 2011, bro! And busy doing what exactly?" he asked incredulously. "If your mother hadn't told me you've been calling her, I would've thought you were lying dead somewhere with no funeral. I feel betrayed, man. I thought we were tight. How can you call Forks and not call me?"

I shook my head. "First of all, it's still five hours to twenty-eleven. And I've been doing stuff."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well, how's that going for you?"

"Good."

There was silence on the line before I heard the sound of Alice and Rosalie's laughter in the background.

"Baby, who're you talking to?" Alice asked.

"Our long lost friend," Jasper replied.

"Oh, he returned to us. The prodigal son." Alice giggled. "Edward, do you know that I've been holding off my engagement because you haven't called? Jasper has refused to marry me."

"Wait, what?" I asked, completely confused and shocked. The last time I was in Forks, Alice was dating Peter while Jasper wanted to rip his head off, and now they were engaged.

"Yeah, we're getting married," Jasper said in a very buoyant tone, and I could almost see his smile.

"And you're my best man."

"No, we aren't. We are _so_ not getting married. No, I refuse to marry you. Go spend the rest of your life waiting to tell Edward you're engaged. I'm done," Alice said, and though she tried to sound serious, I knew she wasn't.

"You can't do that. Can she do that? You can't go back on a proposal. It's like collecting a gift after you've already given it to someone. That shit's not right," Jasper countered.

"Watch me. And I can take it back; I'm the one who fucking proposed."

"Stop cursing in front of my child!" Rosalie snapped. "Now who's a big boy? Who's a really big boy? You? Now go and meet daddy and tell him that Uncle Jasper has seized the remote and he won't let you watch cartoons. He'll come back and give Uncle Jasper a good knock on his head. That's my boy."

"So you're getting married?" I asked again.

"Yeah, Alice finally decided that I was the only man worthy enough to be in her life." Jasper bragged.

Alice snorted, and from how loud she was, I could tell she was close to the phone. "More like you were the only man I chose to annoy for the rest of my life. I'm a man eater, Jazz, and you've just given me the opportunity to ruin your life."

"Now that's what you call romance, Edward," Jasper laughed. "Either way, we're getting married and she's giving me all the sex I need for the rest of my life, so we're all good." I could imagine him pulling Alice into his embrace as he said that.

"Congratulations, Jazz. When's it happening?"

"In the summer, I think. We wanted to give, um, Bella some time."

My brow furrowed. "Is she okay?"

"Uh, yeah, she's good," he said in a dismissive tone.

"How's she doing? Is she…" I trailed off, looking for a way to ask my next question while sounding completely neutral. "Is she happy being married and all?"

"Jazz," Alice called sternly.

"What? He shouldn't know? It's been almost a year, he has to know."

I felt like I was missing out on the silent conversation the two of them were having. "What? What don't I know?"

"Dude, she didn't marry him."

I immediately sat up on the couch in bewilderment. I tried to think about what Jasper had just said, but it was pretty hard to separate all my thoughts and just concentrate on one. There was no way she didn't marry him, I thought. I saw her in her wedding dress. How could she not have been married all this time?

I should have felt relieved but I felt really confused. "Are you fucking with me?"

"No, Edward. She never married. After you left, Jacob called off the wedding, said he couldn't do it. Or they both said they couldn't and then she left."

A lot of questions filled my head. Why did Jacob call it off? Was she alright? Where did she go?

But only one slipped out of my mouth. "How could you not fucking tell me?"

I stood up and started pacing. I spoke to my mother, at least once a week, how could she not have told me? Right, I thought, I told her not to talk about Isabella. Fuck.

"You haven't called. You didn't call me. How the hell am I supposed to tell you if I haven't spoken to you? I don't even know where you are."

"Canada," I answered abruptly. "Where is she?"

"New York."

"Where in New York? There are a million places she could possibly be. It's a big fucking city."

"I can't tell you that."

"Why?"

"Only Alice knows."

"Give the phone to Alice."

I heard a shuffling noise and assumed Jasper was handing the phone to her. "Edward, I can't tell you where she is," Alice said.

"Why?" I couldn't comprehend why this was such a big fucking secret.

"Because she doesn't want anyone to know where she is. Her mother doesn't even know. She's taking a break and she's trying to heal. A lot of things have happened to her these past years and she hasn't had a chance to get over them. She needs her space and you're going to give it to her." Alice's voice was steady with an underlying threat.

"Alice, I know you don't understand. And I know I've fucked up in the past. But I need to see her, I need to talk to her, I fucking need to make it up to her. All this time she's been hating me somewhere, and I need to make her stop." I pleaded.

"Edward, I'm sorry. You had that chance remember? When you came back last year?"

"This is different."

"I can't tell you where she is Edward, unless she says I can. I'm sorry."

"Alice, she–"

"Edward, you can't go there. She needs this."

"I have to–"

"Edward," Rosalie called from the background and there was more shuffling before her voice became clearer. "Edward, I don't mean to be a bitch. But seriously? Seriously, you need to get over her. She's getting over you. Look, she didn't get married. She had a chance to stop you if she wanted to and she didn't. She didn't stop you. She didn't look for you. She didn't make an effort to know where you were or how you were doing. All this while she's been single and she knew you were available and she didn't search for you. What does that fucking tell you? She doesn't want you, Edward. You have to let it go." I squeezed my eyes shut, rubbing my head. "If you love her, if you really love her, you'll let her go."

I let out a deep breath. Rosalie was right. She didn't want me. She never responded to me when I begged her to tell me to stay.

"Fuck." I stopped and sat down. "Can I…can I please just have her number? I just want to talk to her."

"Edward." Alice's voice carried a warning.

"I'm not…I'm not going after her. I just want to call and see how she's doing. That's all. The last time I left, she was mad at me because I never contacted her and she thought I didn't think of her. I just want her to know, that I'm still here. And if she doesn't want me then that's fine but I'm still fucking here. Please, Alice."

"Okay, do you have a pen?"

* * *

**Thanks to MrsBoyscout and Kuntrygal who fixed this, without them, this would be garbage, trust me. **

**Thank you, dear readers, for reading, reviewing, rec'ing, pm'ing, everything. Thank you all so much. And especially for your patience. **

**This chapter was quite difficult, so please do let me know what you thought. Bella's POV is up next. Ladies on the thread, I'm all yours.**

**Thanks once again!**


	21. A Long Way to Happy

**Song: **_**Poison & Wine**_** by The Civil Wars**. AN below.

* * *

**~ A Long Way to Happy ~**

_Change. _

Change was hard and complicated.

Sometimes, you wanted it. Sometimes, you needed it. Sometimes, it was inevitable. One thing about change was that, after a period of time, you adapted. And that place that was once foreign to you, became familiar; you could almost call it home. For me, that place was New York City. More precisely, 72nd street on the Upper West Side in Manhattan.

And those faces that were attached to unrecognizable names, accompanied by voices that sounded alien when you first heard them, belonged to people who became your friends as time passed by.

"He's an extremely nice guy, Bella. I'm serious. If I was single and searching and attracted to the opposite sex, I'd give him a chance," Heidi said, dicing carrots and spreading the pieces on top of the rice in the baking pan. "I mean, have you seen those abs? God, I could look at them all day," she continued, casting me a glance to see my expression before resuming back to slicing the carrots. "And it's not just that, too. He's charming. Last week, he got you roses–"

I rolled my eyes. "And they died."

An incredulous brow shot up and disappeared into her bangs. "You didn't take care of them! You didn't show them love, of course, they died," she continued, like I was someone who didn't understand the positive effects of nurturing. "And he made soup," she added, and I didn't respond. "Soup!" she emphasized, as if that one word was compelling enough to change my mind. "Do you know how many men cook for women they aren't even intimate with? Especially if the women are sick! You can't deny that _that _was sweet."

It was a very sweet gesture, I had to admit, and I was extremely grateful.

However, I said, "I still think there was too much salt in it." Because there was.

Heidi gave me a look that I was sure translated to, 'what the hell am I going to do with you?' before actually speaking. "Sometimes, it's hard to understand you." She shook her head. "Nikki never brings me anything when I'm sick. Instead, she avoids me until she's sure I'm better or what I have isn't contagious." She threw a few pieces of carrots into her mouth and chewed.

"It's a wonder how you've been together for three years," I muttered, picking at my nails.

Heidi Ford was my roommate. In Manhattan, apartments were incredibly difficult to afford without getting a roommate. Heidi was a close friend of one of my co-workers, Nikki Anderson. Although, I guessed I shouldn't have labeled them as friends, after living with Heidi for eight months, the word _lovers_ was a more appropriate term for describing their relationship.

We got along perfectly, mostly because Heidi reminded me of my friends back in Forks. Her looks were synonymous with Rosalie's. However, I should say that her character was the antithesis of Rosalie's, given the fact that she lacked some of her traits – namely, the insensitivity and direct bluntness.

Heidi's personality held a similarity to Alice's. She had the same fire and vivaciousness, and she expressed it by talking a lot. I wasn't sure I could handle that particular quirk, but when you were forced to endure her company for long periods of time she kinda grew on you. She was vibrant with a lot of positive energy surrounding her. Always outgoing. Loud. Fun. Full of life. Happy. And she cooked a lot, so that was a plus.

Heidi was in advertising, which could probably account for our unremitting conversations about me dating men, and the way she promoted the various attributes that would help qualify them as suitable husbands, as if they were products one could inspect before buying.

Okay, perhaps she wasn't forcing me into marriage just yet. And maybe, she just wanted me to be happy, and she thought this could be accomplished by me settling down and having a boyfriend who could eventually turn into a fiancé. It was common for couples to arrange dates for their single friends, and although I had a hard time grasping the concern about such issues, I kind of understood her.

To Heidi, I was Bella Swan: the workaholic who loved her job more than life itself (which wasn't true) and spent long hours at work analyzing media information for clients at one of the biggest PR firms in the world. In fact, the job wasn't all that great, but it helped to keep me distracted from other things going on in my life.

But she didn't know _me __–_ the real me. The Bella Swan who was once a librarian in Forks. The one who's been engaged - twice. Who's had two weddings, but has never been married. The one who's second fiancé stopped the wedding because he found out she was in love with someone else. And that someone else - her first fiancé - the man who she considered her _soul mate,_ left her on their wedding day.

Heidi knew none of these things about Bella Swan. She thought of the woman sitting in front of her, who denied any possible dates with a handsome man named Garrett, as someone who was in love with her job (she had once said work would not keep me warm on cold nights, nor would it provide me orgasms) and had absolutely no interest in men, or women for that matter.

Plus, I was almost thirty, an age that should have been a marking point for considering a husband and children. Yet, I had no thoughts of even dating (according to her).

I couldn't blame her. When I left Forks, I had put my past into a small box and fought for those memories to stay hidden while I tried to move on. But sometimes, that small box protested against the weight of those unbearable secrets that I didn't want to seep into my new life. However, I was just not ready to share my past with Heidi yet, so I let her believe that the pieces of me that she knew was all there was.

And that is why Heidi persisted in trying to set me up. Her latest potential date for me was Garrett Phillips who happened to be our neighbor. The first time we had been introduced to him was a month after we moved into our apartment. The introduction was one-sided at the time. He was talking on the phone while being completely shirtless, displaying his defined abs to most of Manhattan. His attractiveness placed him at the top of Heidi's 'Men Bella should date' list.

_It could almost pass as a reality TV show with that kind of title_, I thought to myself. _I bet Heidi has sent my name in to be the new Bachelorette. _

"All I hear are just excuses," Heidi said, shaking her head and grabbing my attention again. "I know you're somewhat attracted to him. When he talks to you, you have this look on your face that shows you are. I just don't know what's holding you back. You need someone who's gonna make you do something other than work all the darn time!" She placed the baking pan in the oven for the rice to cook. "What harm could come from one date? It's really not that hard. All you have to do is dress up and have fun, while he woos you. I promise, if you don't like it, I won't pressure you again."

I raised a disbelieving brow.

"For at least a month," she added when her eyes met my face.

"What are you now? His spokesperson?" I teased, walking over to the freezer to grab a tub of ice-cream. "Garrett Phillips," I started, impersonating Heidi's voice while pretending to be illustrating a commercial. "Thirty two." I picked up a spoon from the cutlery rack to use as my microphone. "Blue eyes. Blonde hair. Photographer. Has a well built body. And maintains said body by working out in the gym on weekday nights. Doesn't live with his mom. Calls his sister every Sunday afternoon, although it could be his ex-wife. As far as we know, not a lunatic, though he might be. Only God knows what he does behind closed doors," I said in a whisper. "And surprisingly can cook the best pasta you've ever eaten. Except, he seems to be really into very spicy and salty foods." I paused. "Hmm…" I placed my index finger on my chin and pretended to contemplate on my theories. "Nope. Still doesn't entice me."

Heidi laughed. "Hey, you're the one spouting off his life story, not me." She shrugged. "Besides, if you know all that stuff about him, it just proves that you're more attracted to him than I thought. No one actually pays that much attention to someone without being interested in them."

I rolled my eyes. "Just because I notice things, does not mean I'm interested. I'm just more observant than you are."

"Single and observant," Heidi replied, smiling. "Two very attractive qualities that would make you compatible with him."

"You're relentless." I shook my head in disbelief, digging my former microphone into the ice-cream. "You should have your own matchmaking TV show. People would watch, seriously."

"Say what you want, but you know I'm right!" she shouted as I entered my room, laughing and shutting the door behind me.

Dropping the tub of ice-cream on my nightstand, I collapsed on the bed and stared at the ceiling for a few minutes. It was a few hours until the New Year, and I wondered what my family and friends were doing back at home.

Moving away from home was a paradox. The relief and contentment I felt living on my own was tangled with a sense of loss and loneliness. It felt good to leave the scene of my humiliation along with the small town that left me feeling suffocated. New York City, with new faces, new jobs, new friends and apartments that didn't contain traces and echoes of the past, provided a space where I could breathe without having to think. But my enjoyment of this anonymity was accompanied with a feeling of nostalgia.

I picked up the phone from the other side of the bed with the intention of dialing Alice's phone, but got sidetracked when I saw two missed calls from an unknown international number. I decided to check my voicemail for any messages when I stumbled upon _his_ voice.

"_Isabella_…" I responded by quickly sitting up on the bed and resting my back against the headboard. An influx of feelings cascaded through me at the sound of my name that was embedded in that soft masculine tone. The most prominent feeling that overcame me was shock that later disintegrated into confusion.

"_Isabella_," he called again, and my teeth sunk into my lips, wondering if the tension that curled around my spine would ever dissipate. "_I know_…" He paused, and I could imagine his brows furrowing as he tried to arrange the words he wanted to say. "_I know that you don't want to talk to me. I know…I know there are a lot of things I've fucked up. I can't even begin to imagine what I fucking put you through. I hurt you, but that was never my intention. I thought I was doing the best thing for both of us. I hurt you while trying to escape my own pain and I didn't want to cause you any. I probably shouldn't even get another chance at repairing the damage, but I want to try. Isabella, there are some things I just _have _to fix. I just…._" His words dissolved into silence, and the sound of his breath permeated through the phone. "_I don't like–I'm not comfortable with the distance between us. We used to be very good friends, and then we became…and I brought this on us and lost you. And now we don't talk anymore. It's like we're strangers. I just want to…God, I miss you._" I shivered. _"I miss talking to you. I miss…I miss you."_

After I listened to the message, I considered the options of repeating the message again, saving it or deleting it when Alice called.

"Hey." Her giggle was followed by the sound of a door closing. "How are you? How's New Year's eve going?" she asked in a more composed voice.

"Good," I replied, my head was still processing Edward's message.

"Cool. Emmett cooked, and well, we're having dinner at his place so everyone's here but you," she said, her words were laced with sadness and it seemed as if she was pouting.

"That's nice." I smiled, almost picturing her pouting face. "Heidi's cooking, so don't worry about me," I added, stopping for a moment before proceeding with what I wanted to tell her. "Edward called."

"Oh."

"Yeah. You gave him my number?" My tone carried a note of accusation, even though I hadn't intended to.

"You didn't want me to give him your number?" she asked with uncertainty. "I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do when he asked. I know you need your space, but I didn't want to be the reason he didn't get a chance to talk to you. I wanted you to have a choice, and if I hadn't given him your number, you wouldn't have had one. Shit, I'm sorry B. They don't give you a handbook for this kind of thing."

"No, it's okay," I said, feeling slightly bad for making her feel like she had something to apologize for. "I just…I don't know. I don't know if I want to talk to him. I don't know what he has to say. I thought we'd covered everything."

"Are you over him now?"

I knew I needed to be completely honest, and I would be deceiving myself to say I had gotten over him. I almost laughed, as if I could. I couldn't stop loving him, even when he left during the time I needed him the most. If six years couldn't make me stop loving him, I doubted eleven months could.

"No, I'm not."

I had reached some sort of resolution with myself. A sort of acceptance that even though a lot of things could change; there were some things that would always remain constant. _He _was one of them.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Everything is on your own terms and you need your space. If you don't want to talk to him, then I'll call him and tell him to back off."

"No, don't do that." I bit my nails and sighed, feeling emotionally drained just thinking about it. These past months without his presence, I had felt like an empty jar and now his message, his voice; his presence had brought back a turmoil of emotions and the idiot wasn't even here. "I just don't know what he wants to say."

He said he wanted to fix things. I wasn't sure if that was possible. Sometimes, when things were broken or things were lost, it was better to just leave them and move on to something else. We had gotten lost somewhere, and I couldn't even begin to think about the energy it would take to go back and retrace our steps to find us. I wasn't even sure I wanted to do that.

"Then, maybe you should just listen. It couldn't hurt, could it?" Alice asked rhetorically.

_But it could_, my mind answered quietly.

I had come to understand that the feelings I harbored for Edward clashed in contradiction, like experiencing heaven and hell together. Being truly in love with him was pure bliss. However, I hadn't experienced that bliss in such a long time that I was beginning to think it was a figment of my imagination, something I concocted in my mind. The times we had been happy seemed so far away, like a distant memory buried in the deep recesses of my mind. It could have almost been a dream. Conversely, the pain of the long separation that was catalyzed by his hidden secrets proved that the phantom of love had once existed. I just wasn't sure I wanted to go back and revisit any of it. The risk of getting bruised again was too high.

"I don't know exactly how I feel," I said. I felt confused, but beyond that I wasn't sure. "I want to talk to him, but I don't." This was it. The conflict of my emotions. The confusion. I wanted him, but then I wasn't sure I did. "I don't want to think about it."

_Why did he have to call? Why can't he just forget me? How am I supposed to move on if he doesn't let me go?_

"I know there are some things you want to forget and some things we both wish didn't happen, but it did and you have to deal with it. There are probably some questions you want to ask and he's the only one who can provide the answers."

"Yeah." I replied, smothering my face in the fluffy pillows on the bed.

There was no such thing as a fresh start. Really, it was all a delusion that I had tried to drown myself in since I came to New York. No matter where you ran to, your past always followed you.

~%~

The next day, he called.

"Hey," I said, answering the phone on the third ring.

I'd probably never admit how much nonchalance I forced myself to feel when I picked up the phone, especially when I had been anticipating his call. I played a million scenarios in my head about what kind of conversations we'd have, but couldn't decide on anything.

"Hey," he replied, and I could detect a hint of happiness mixed with relief in his voice. "I wasn't sure you'd pick up," he confessed.

"I wasn't sure you'd call back." I laughed nervously.

I couldn't understand why I was so nervous. All the nerves in my body were twisting into knots. I picked up a notebook from the bed-stand, tore a page, and then began to shred it into tiny pieces.

"How was your day?" he asked.

"Fine," I rushed to answer.

"I guess I should probably say happy New Year, since it's twenty-eleven now." The tone of his voice informed me that he was smiling.

"Same to you. Did you make any New Year's resolutions?" I asked, trying to hang on to the buoyancy of the conversation for a while.

"Yeah, I'm still working on it. I've got them written down," he replied. "No bullshit this time. Therapy kinda requires it."

"Oh." I wasn't aware that he was still seeing a therapist. The silence almost became static and awkward, and I quickly searched for words to eliminate it. "I don't think I have any New Year's resolutions."

"Yeah, you're really not the planning type," he teased.

I laughed lightly. "I don't see the point in them. They just get broken." I shrugged, leaning back against the headboard.

"Not if they're written on a paper and you work toward keeping them. You have to be focused and then nothing can stop you."

I smiled. "Oh, please, that's just you and your OCD issues, Cullen," I mocked, using a piece of paper to remove the invisible dirt stuck in my nails. He laughed and the sound loosened a few tight nerves in my body.

We seemed to be treading lightly on topics, getting reacquainted with what we were doing with our lives and dodging any emotional potholes on the way. If he heard any sound of discomfort from my end, he'd stop and then take another conversational route.

"So how do you like New York?" he asked.

"It's busy all the time. Like everyone always has a place to be or things to do. It keeps me on my toes." I started making an origami plane.

"Sounds like a fun place. So you've got a job?"

"Yeah, public relations. I work for Burson-Marsteller. I handle press releases and media stuff for clients."

"And you like it?"

"Yeah."

We both fell silent on the phone. We had talked about where we were and what we were doing. We had covered the surface and now we both knew it was time to dig deeper and delve into topics that we knew we needed to talk about, but wanted to avoid.

Then again, maybe that was just me.

"So…." Edward's voice trailed off.

There was a faint memory that drifted in my mind of a time when we were comfortable with the silence between us. We didn't feel the need to fill the silence with words. A time when we could finish each other's sentences because we knew exactly what the other was thinking. Now there was an undercurrent of tension wired under the silence, that if we approached anywhere on that wire, we'd both get shocked.

"I heard about the wedding," he murmured in a barely audible voice. "I'm sorry. I wish I could take that away. I wish you didn't have to fucking go through that again. Hell, I wish you didn't have to go through it the first time."

My heart started to beat rapidly in my chest and I tried to relax. "You left."

"Yeah, I did."

"Again," I added.

"You didn't give me a reason to stay." His voice was soft.

A tear escaped my left eye and I wiped it away with my finger, remembering his presence in the dressing room before the wedding. "I couldn't."

"I know," he breathed. "It was selfish of me to ask you to choose."

"It was cruel of me to want to go through with it…I know what it's like to be truly in love and I wasn't _in love_ with Jacob."

There was another pause.

"What do you want, Edward?

He didn't skip a beat before he answered, "You."

"I don't…" I let out a breath. "I can't–I can't give you anything. I don't have anything left. You have all the pieces of me, Edward. Each time you come back, you break me and then take more. There's nothing left to take this time." The whirlpool of loss and longing left me feeling exhausted. "Why do you still want me?"

"I don't _want_ you," he said with conviction, then paused.

The silence was deafening as I considered his words. "You don't?" I asked in confusion, because if he didn't then what the hell did he mean a second ago? He just told me that he wanted me. Why did he keep playing with my emotions?

"No, I don't. I don't want your perfection. I don't want to think about how beautiful you are. I don't want to fucking remember how amazing you are. I don't want to keep hanging on to memories of what we fucking used to be because that was the only time I was ever happy in my life. Or how every time I'm without you, I feel completely lost as if I'm missing a piece for my survival, and I can't live without you. And it hurts to walk away from that every time; it hurts to know that I might never have that again. You don't understand the gravity of this, Isabella. I don't _want_ you. I fucking _need_ you, all of you," he said. "It's why I keep coming back." His voice dropped to a whisper. "Each time I left, there was always a reason; they were all stupid. But there are no stupid reasons anymore. I can no longer stay away from you."

The silence returned and I embraced it, not having anything to say.

"I wish we could start over, on a clean slate," he said, after a while. "I'll just be Edward and you'll just be Isabella. I won't be the ass who didn't show up at his wedding or the one who ruined everything else. Let's just start again, can we?"

I didn't answer, but I considered how easy it would be to wipe away my memory and go back to the beginning and relive it in a different way. But that was impossible. It was delusional to think we could do that. There were some things you couldn't undo. After all, I couldn't crawl back into my mother's womb and be given birth to again.

The truth was I'd still be Bella Swan and he'd still be Edward Cullen. He'd still be the man I loved and the one who had the potential of hurting me more than anyone else could. He'd still be the man who walked out on me. And he couldn't give me back the years I lost. Everything couldn't change. This was us, and we were never easy. We were fire and ice. Our love was tough and complicated. We could never be easy, and maybe that was why I loved him because in a way, I reveled in the complication even though it hurt me.

"Are you still there?" he whispered.

"Yeah," I replied, sinking further and further into the bed.

"I know I don't have the right to ask you for anything. It's amazing that you're even talking to me. But I just…I need you, and I understand if you can't…if we can't…."

His words tripped over each other, and then he took a deep breath. "I want us to be_ us_ again, and I know that might not make sense. But I want to be the _us_ who knew each better than anyone else. I want to be able to talk to you. I want to hear you laugh. I want to _make_ you laugh. I want to make you fucking happy. And I get that you don't want me to, but I need to. And if you don't want _us_. If you can't give me a second chance, I understand that. But please don't…don't cut me off totally. I know I didn't contact you right away, but I was fucking scared that I couldn't fix this because I thought you were married and you didn't want me anymore, especially when you didn't say anything when I left. I didn't know how to deal with it. But you're not married and now I can, and I just don't want to lose you like that ever again. I'll do whatever it takes. Can we just be friends?"

"I don't know, Edward."

I remembered that five year old girl who was building sandcastles when her mother interrupted her to introduce her to a boy with green eyes and sandy-colored disheveled hair. I wondered if she'd had a glimpse of the future, and seen how much she fell in love with this boy, and how everything played out, if she'd still want to be his friend.

She would have probably been his friend either way.

"I know. Let's just take it slow. Can I…can I–please, can I just call you tomorrow?"

_It couldn't hurt, could it_? Alice's question resounded in my thoughts. I had no answer this time.

"Okay."

~%~

_Friends. _

Edward and I were trying to be friends because after all that happened, our friendship had also taken a bullet. I liked that word – friend, it didn't weigh too heavily on me. It demanded nothing. It was Switzerland. The bridge between strangers and something more intimate, like lovers. The passage between less and more. Edward didn't want us to be strangers, and though I loved him, I wasn't sure I wanted us to be defined as lovers. So the bridge was right for us.

"We're just friends, Alice," I said into the phone, hugging my coat with my other hand and hurrying to get to The Coffee Shop on 16th street at Union Square.

"Uh-huh," she replied with skepticism. "I don't know, Bella. I think…I think…wait a minute." I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at it to be sure I wasn't losing connection, and then pressed it back to my ear, cursing myself for leaving my earphones on the dining table. "Yes, I know what it is!" Alice continued.

"What?" I asked in confusion.

"You see, I think I may have lost my eighteen year old self and she may have somehow taken over your body. Tsk, tsk, I never knew this could happen," she said and I rolled my eyes. "Friends? I mean, yeah, you were great friends _before_, but with all the history between you guys, that's just not possible anymore. At least, that's what I think. There can be no friendship. That canopy is not big enough to contain the both of you. It's all or nothing, baby."

"Al, don't you think you're kind of narrowing it down too much? Surely, there has to be like a common ground. Exes do become friends."

"Uh, yeah, that's only because they want to get back in each other's pants. Haven't you seen _When Harry Met Sally_?"

"You can't compare real life situations to movies. And this is totally not like that," I disagreed, shaking my head adamantly. "He's not pushing me and I don't want to be pushed. This is not like that," I reiterated, determined to convince her and myself. "And there are no pants involved!"

_Only hearts. _

"Sure, sure, no pants. Only phone conversations that happen in the night when the sun has gone to sleep. I don't even want to think about what you two talk about."

"That's the time we're both free to discuss things."

"Oh, and what? Daylight's not good enough for you? What are you doing now? In fact, why don't you call me frequently at night?"

"I do!"

"Yeah, when he's said something you want to think about?" she asked. "Look, I know this is difficult. But I think it's too complicated between you two for you guys to just be friends. He'll always want more, and you're not sure you can give that. I just want you to know that you can't be friends forever, and you'll eventually have to make a decision – to go back or to leave him completely. Just take your time before you do, okay?"

I exhaled. "Since when did you become Rose with the brutal candor?"

"Since you left us without a buffer," she said, and I leaned against the building of the coffee shop to catch a breath. "Not a very good friend, are you?" she teased.

I smiled. "I hate you."

"Feeling's mutual, honey." She laughed. "Call me later!"

~%~

My phone rang and my eyes flitted to the clock sitting on my bookshelf. The time was 11pm. I picked up the phone and said, "You're late."

Edward's calls had grown to be a habit now. He called almost every day; so I felt the day wasn't complete until I heard his voice.

"Yeah, my therapist kinda went on and on today," he said in an exhausted voice. "Did I make you wait long?"

"I wasn't waiting for you," I shot back, momentarily pissed that he would assume I had nothing else to do other than sit on my bed and wait for him to call. I ignored the fact that I had left work early today and braved the elements by taking the subway home, instead of enjoying the luxuries of the company's car services, all just so I could pretend_ not_ to wait for his stupid call.

"I know that," he said, lowering his voice to a deep intimate level. "I was the one waiting and counting the seconds until I got to hear your voice again."

I sighed. It wasn't healthy that this handsome man, who had the ability to wound me, also had the charm to warm my heart. Neither was it healthy to be this attached to him. Perhaps Alice was right, I thought. Maybe Switzerland wasn't a place for both of us.

"I'm sorry," he said, after the loaded silence. "I wasn't supposed to say that. We'll stick to lighter topics."

"Edward," I started, not sure how to phrase my next words. "Maybe we're not cut out for this. I don't know if I'll ever be able to give you what you want. I may never…" I trailed off, letting the words sink in and register so he'd realize at some point that waiting for me might be hopeless.

"Isabella, I can wait. I can wait a lifetime until you're ready, until you've forgiven me, until you decide you want me back. I'll fucking wait. I don't care how long it takes. I told you, there's no running this time."

Another interval of silence passed. I didn't have any response and I couldn't tell if he was expecting one. I needed a diversion, so I switched to a heavier topic.

"So what kind of things do you share with your therapist?" I asked, playing with the drawstrings of my sweats. I wasn't sure if he'd answer. Wasn't that kind of topic confidential? But I couldn't deny my curiosity.

He seemed caught off guard by my question and took a few seconds to respond. "Uh, just stuff. Like what happened with everything…." His words trailed off.

My eyebrow rose up in question, even though he couldn't see it. The silence on my end demanded an answer.

So he continued, "Just about what happened with the baby." He took a deep breath. "Um, sometimes, we talk about Jessica, but we've seemed to have gotten over her."

He stayed quiet for a while and I was about to respond when he added, "And then, there's you."

"Me?" I asked, my eyes widening. Now, I seemed to be the one acting like a deer stuck in headlights. I was bewildered, although, I guessed I should've expected it. A lot of things happened between the both of us.

"Yeah, you."

"What kind of things do you talk about that concern me?" I sat up on the bed, resting my back against the headboard and folding my legs underneath each other.

"Well, um, we talk about the wedding a lot. Uh…and um, what happened when I came back when you were getting married to Jake. How I acted and how you reacted. And why I waited last minute to tell you about…yeah. And why I didn't contact our friends when I left the second time. And, uh, how I feel."

"Oh…" I nodded slowly, as his words settled in my head. "So, wait, how do you feel?" I trapped my lower lip between my teeth.

"That's not important. What's important is how _you _feel."

"What are you trying to be? My therapist?" I mocked.

He laughed lightly. "I can't do therapy and listen to people's feelings. I'd suck at it, but I think it helps. There are some things you might want to talk about, but don't want to share with people you know."

I wanted to say something, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to say, so I settled for: "Hmm…so why didn't you contact anyone?"

"Well, honestly speaking, I didn't want to hear about how fucking happy you were with him. It hurt to know that I could have been _that _guy. It was like knowing what you lost and knowing you could never get it back. I know, I'm an asshole. But again, this is not about me. It's about you."

Yes, he was a complete asshole, and I wanted to tell him that. But he knew already, and I guessed his punishment was not knowing right away that the wedding got called off.

"So do you ever think about having kids, with what happened with Eric and all?" I asked, but when the words tumbled out of my mouth, they sounded harsh. I wanted to rectify it, but my thoughts were already out in the open and he was offering a reply.

I heard his breath through the phone before his answer followed, "No, I don't think about it. There were a few moments when I…I used to think about it, about having kids with you, and what kind of parents we'd be. But I don't think about that anymore. I don't know if I could be a father…yet."

Suddenly, a weight of sadness fell upon me. "I bet–I bet if the time came, though, you'd make an awesome father." I should have stopped it there. Really, I should have, but my uneasy subconscious decided to spew more words. "And I bet you'll make that woman a very happy one, too."

I slapped my forehead, thinking for a moment that I could slap the stupidity out of my brain. What the hell was wrong with me? We were having a moment and I completely ruined it. I basically just told him to go look for another woman to make babies with. Was that what I really wanted?

"Um," I said, thinking of a way to salvage the situation. The silence on his end was not helping. "You know what?" I said, sinking further and further into my stupidity. "I'm going to bed. I'm kinda tired. Too many heavy conversations for one day." I laughed nervously. "Um, so yeah, I'll go now. Bye!" I didn't wait for his reply before I cut the call and switched off my bed lamp.

In the darkness of my room, I had come to the realization that I didn't want him to move on with someone else. I wanted him to wait, just as he said he would, even though I wasn't sure I'd ever be emotionally available for a relationship with him. Still, I wanted him to wait. I couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else.

_I was so selfish_, I thought, squeezing the pillows to my chest tightly. _So incredibly selfish. _

I was about to close my eyes and forget I ever had such a conversation with him when my phone rang. I picked it up. "Hello?"

"Isabella."

I stared into the darkness and a shiver crawled down my spine. I would probably never stop having that reaction to the way he called my name. The way he pronounced it sounded so different from when other people said it. Maybe it was because he called the full name, not the short version everyone was used to. Or maybe it was because his voice was somewhere between silk and sandpaper. Or maybe it was just because it was _him _saying it.

"I know there are some things I shouldn't say. Like the fact that if I wanted to be a father, I'd only want that with you. Or that not being with you is something I don't ever want to fucking experience again. I shouldn't also say I have feelings for you that I'm sure I'd never have for anyone else. I shouldn't say those words because when I had a chance, I didn't exactly prove them. So I deserved that. And I'll deserve more. I'll deserve whatever you fucking give me. But Isabella," he said in a breathy, raspy voice.

"You're going to have to do a whole fucking lot to push me away."

I wondered if that was what I was doing. Was I unintentionally pushing him away because maybe if he left this time, it would be easier? Maybe it was my heart's initial reaction to danger. Or was this just a test? To see if he'd run if I pushed him?

I was so exhausted. "Goodnight, Edward."

"I'll talk to you tomorrow."

~%~

"Friends can get each other gifts. Friends get each other gifts all the time. It will be a _friendly_ gift," Edward argued over the phone, as I paid the cab driver and exited from the car, without bothering about the change.

"On Valentine's Day?" I retorted in an incredulous tone.

"It's a man friend giving a woman friend a friendly gift on Valentine's Day," he said, as if the number of times he said the word 'friend' would crystallize his reasoning and make it more believable. "It's like spreading the fucking love or something. Isn't that the main concept of Valentine's Day, anyway? To share the love–"

"–between _intimate_ people," I cut in, completing his sentence. "Edward, I'm not accepting any gift from you."

"It won't even arrive today, which will make it technically a _not_ Valentine's Day gift."

I walked into my apartment building, flashing a smile at the doorman, Max, on my way. "No, Edward. If you get me a gift, I'd have to get you something and you're all the way in Canada, and I can't do that. There's too much stress involved." _Like what it would mean for the both of us._ "And I just want to sleep right now." I pressed the button for the elevator.

The elevator pinged and the doors opened. I walked in with a couple behind me and pressed my floor number. "Edward, the phone's going to disconnect now," I said, watching the doors close. "Edward? Edward?" I sighed; the call had already cut off.

Exhaustion could not begin to describe how I felt. It was the first day of the week and I was already swamped with work. And to add to the curse that normally surrounded Mondays, it was Valentine's Day. A day that lovers typically celebrated with flowers and gifts wrapped with pink and red colors, along with chocolates and candies, and things that made even Cupid sick.

People were usually overly affectionate with the hand holding, tongue wrapping, body touching and passionate looks, exactly like the couple that stood in front of me. Their unconcealed display of affection made me feel like I was interrupting as I stood in the back left corner of the elevator. I tried to divert my eyes elsewhere, but where could you possibly look when you were trapped in a box with two people eating each other's face off?

I hated Valentine's Day.

Why did this couple feel the need to rub their relationship in other people's faces. I got it. They were happy to be with each other, but couldn't they at least show common courtesy and wait until they got to their place before making out? And just when I thought it couldn't get worse, the woman wrapped her legs around her companion and started grinding against him. I swallowed heavily as she moaned.

This public display of affection should have been a crime.

Maybe I was just bitter. A bitter twenty nine year old with no sex life, no dating life and a lesbian roommate; who also spent her time talking to an ex who lived in Canada. That was definitely enough to make anyone bitter. I was allowed to be bitter. Clearly, I earned it.

The elevator pinged again and the doors opened. Finally, I could breathe. I couldn't get out fast enough, the scene was becoming X-rated and I was starting to feel suffocated. As soon as I stepped out, my phone rang.

"Elevator," I said, hoping that one word was enough to explain why the call got disconnected.

"Sex," he answered.

"What?" I asked, feeling disoriented and confused as to why that word suddenly sprung up from nowhere. Thinking about sex, seeing a visualization of it almost happen in the elevator and hearing it in a voice that sounded like sex was not something I wanted to hear. Add that to the fact that it was Valentine's Day.

"Fuck," he said and I blinked. "Sorry, I thought we were playing a word association game." He laughed.

"And that's what you associate elevator with?" I asked, completely amused while searching for my keys in my bag. The theory that men never grew up was being proven every day. They still carried their teenage hormones everywhere.

"I'm a guy. Sex is on my mind ninety percent of the time," he joked.

"Like right now?"

This was the closest we had ever had to talking about sex, since his calls started. Not that I wanted to talk about it….

"Well…now that you've mentioned it."

"You're unbelievable," I remarked, finding my keys and pulling them out of the bag.

"Thank you."

"Not a compliment." I laughed, walking down the corridor in the direction of my apartment.

"Still taking it as one." He sounded like he was smiling.

_Arrogant ass_.

"So, what do you relate sex with?" Edward asked, reverting back to the conversation.

"Garrett!" I called, as my neighbor stepped out of his apartment with a black trash bag. He was dressed in baggy jeans and a white sweater with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows. He smiled as soon as he saw me.

"_Garrett?_" Edward asked, confused.

"Bella." Garrett gave me a one armed hug. "Hey, I was just going to stop by," he said. "Well, after I took out the trash." He gestured to the bag in his hand. "Happy Valentine's Day. I got you something."

"You did?" I looked at him with surprise, and hoped he wasn't serious, but his looks didn't divulge otherwise. "You shouldn't have," I said honestly. _Really, he shouldn't have._

"Isabella?" Edward's voice reminded me that he was still on the phone.

"Hold on a sec," I whispered to Garrett. "Edward, sorry, please could you call me back in five minutes? Thanks." I turned back to Garrett.

"I wanted to get you something. And you can't refuse because that'll just be rude," he said in a fake stern voice, feigning a scolding expression. "Are you doing anything tonight?"

"It's a Monday, Garrett. I have work tomorrow." I told him. Each time he asked me out, I always had an excuse to give him, but at least this one was actually valid. Mondays were usually busy and exhausting days. "I can't," I said sadly, hoping my tone conveyed the remorse I should have felt.

Garrett was very handsome, which was why I usually only engaged in conversations that lasted for ten minutes. He made me feel flustered, and it was extremely difficult to refuse him, but I just wasn't ready for a relationship.

"It's okay." He smiled reassuringly. "But I'll stop by and drop off the gift, probably before midnight."

"Garrett…"

"No, no, no. You can't refuse a gift! I'll not take no for an answer," he said, turning away and walking to the garbage room before I could protest.

I smiled, walking to my apartment. I opened the door and the first thing that greeted me was the voice of Marvin Gaye singing _Let's Get it On_. I walked further into the apartment and found my roommate mounting her girlfriend and getting it on like horny teenagers on the couch in the living room. The image of Nikki's right hand buried in Heidi's jeans and Heidi's open blouse, exposing her left breast, was burned into my memory.

"Oh my God!" I gasped, realizing I had said that out loud and rushing out of the apartment.

"I thought you said she was working late today!" Heidi exclaimed.

"She was, when I left the office," Nikki countered, as I shut the door and rested my back against it.

I sucked in deep breaths and then started laughing at how ridiculous the whole situation was. I called Edward to share my amusement.

"You won't believe what just happened to me now." I giggled. "I just walked in on my roommate having sex with her girlfriend. I think I'm traumatized and now, the song 'Let's Get It On' definitely has a visual now."

Edward didn't share my sentiment. Instead, I was rewarded with silence from his end. "Edward?" I called, ensuring I had dialed the right number.

"Yeah," he finally said. His voice was flat, as if I had just disturbed him with my call.

I swallowed, wondering what suddenly came over him. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay…" I trailed off, not really sure what caused the sudden awkwardness that was hanging at the other side of the phone. "Are you busy because I could call back?" _Or not call at all, until you've gotten over your mood. _

"Who's Garrett?" he asked immediately.

"Oh…um, he's a friend, my neighbor actually."

"He's a friend?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Silence.

I shifted, waiting.

"So, he can get you something for Valentine's Day?"

"Is that what this is about?"

"No," he said in an emotionless voice. "I was just wondering why he can get you something and I can't."

"You're _jealous_?" I asked, incredulously. "That's just ridiculous." I ran my fingers through my hair, sensing an impending argument on the way.

"I'm not jealous over that, Isabella," he replied in a cutting voice with an underlying tone of frustration. "You're thinking of seeing other men, how the fuck do you think that makes me feel?"

"_Feel?_" I asked, the volume of my voice increasing. "Oh, I don't know, Edward. Let's start talking about feelings, shall we? How do you think I felt when you brought Tanya to Forks?" I pushed the door leading to the stairwell. "Or when you left me on my wedding day, huh?" I sneered.

"Jesus Christ, Isabella…" He sounded hurt.

"You want to know why I won't accept any gift from you? It's because when you leave again, I'll have another reminder of you and what you do to me each time I let you in. I don't trust you, Edward. How do you feel about _that_?" I cut the phone call, panting.

I pressed my hand to my forehead, wondering where that argument came from. I was so mad at him. I was mad at him for various reasons, but today was about me pouring my frustration on him. I was frustrated that he was in Canada. I was frustrated that he called all the time (even though I didn't want him to stop). I was frustrated that six days from now was supposed to be my wedding anniversary with Jake. I was frustrated because it was Valentine's Day, and Alice was out with Jasper, and Rosalie was having a date night with her husband. And I couldn't go back to my apartment because my friends were about to give each other orgasms.

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself and then walked back into the hallway, stopping at Garrett's door. Thoughts rushed through my mind as my fist moved to knock on his door. I knocked three times and waited for him to answer.

He opened the door, looking a bit distracted. "Hey." His face lit up when he saw me, giving me a lopsided smile. The sound of voices from the TV flowed out of his apartment. "I wasn't expecting any visitors today." I could tell he wasn't, since I was able to detect Joey's voice from _Friends._

"I know." I tried to reciprocate his smile. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"Not at all," he assured me.

"I was wondering…is the offer still up?" I chewed my lip.

"Of course!" He laughed, opening the door wider and ushering me inside. "Come in, I'll go grab my coat."

I walked into his apartment, which was much different from mine, apart from the same mahogany floor. His place was a studio. His bedroom and living room were further into the apartment, close to the window facing Central Park. His kitchen was closer to the main door, and was demarcated from the bedroom with a small wooden wall. His walls were adorned with pictures of different people, smiling, walking, running, sitting at Central Park, Verdi Square and other various places. Some were still life photographs, all framed in a black wooden frame, giving an appealing, classy look.

Garrett grabbed a black coat from the wardrobe beside his bed and turned off the TV. "Ready?" he asked and I nodded. We left the building with Max grinning at me. Even the doorman knew about my issues.

"So what do you want to do?" Garrett asked as soon as we were on the sidewalk.

"Hungry?"

"Starving," Garrett replied. "Where should we go?"

"How about Rosa Mexicano? I'm dying for their guacamole. We could just walk the couple of blocks," I suggested. Even though it was slightly cold, it was a nice evening.

Garrett and I spent time getting to know each other during our walk to the restaurant. We covered the basic topics. Garrett had three sisters; Naomi, Stacy and Becky. He was the second born with Naomi being the first. He was originally from San Francisco and had moved to New York five years ago. Heidi had already given me those details when she was trying to persuade me to go out with him, but I felt it was polite to let him say it himself. I asked him what made him move and he told me he was looking for a change of environment.

_You and me both_, I thought.

After walking about ten blocks, we finally arrived at our destination, Rosa Mexicano. Just the surroundings filled me with happiness. The place was filled with life and the sound of Mexican music. I liked this particular location on Columbus Avenue because of the pretty waterfall and vibrant colors, and also because it was closer to my place. We went over to the waiting area before we were escorted to a table upstairs that was situated near a window with a view of Lincoln Center. The waiter smiled at us before taking our orders. For starters, I ordered the medium spicy guacamole and chips while Garrett had the tortilla soup.

"You look beautiful," Garrett commented as I took off my coat and looked at my outfit. I was wearing my work clothes; a pair of black dress pants coupled with a baby pink turtleneck sweater.

"Thanks," I said, as the waiter prepared the guacamole from scratch at our table, one of the main reasons why I loved this place. "How can you not have their guacamole? It's a crime to come here and not order it. Best thing on the menu," I said.

"What can I say? I'm not a big fan of guacamole." He shrugged.

The waiter smiled at us and Garrett and I resumed back to our conversation, talking about our jobs over the starters. I contributed very little to the conversation, still reeling from the aftermath of the discussion (or was it a fight?) with Edward, so I listened to Garrett. He was very passionate about his photography, explaining that it was not only his job, but his hobby as well. As my mother had once told me, "It isn't a job, if you enjoy it."

"I like capturing moments. There are some moments that you just don't want to let go. Some moments you want to store and hang on to. The camera does that for you," he said, taking a sip of water. His eyes were so blue and bright and alive. "And expressions, too. Especially expressions. There's something beautiful about capturing raw emotions on camera. There's this vulnerability that's present on the person's face before they are aware of the camera. But it's all very fleeting, because once you notice, a façade replaces it. But I get to capture it–those naked feelings–and immortalize them. People don't really see themselves; the camera helps you to see. I get to see you, the real you."

I thought it sounded like an invasion of privacy, but didn't share my feelings on the subject. Then he proceeded to tell me that, though he appreciated colored photography, he preferred black and white. His passion for his job intrigued me. I liked hearing him talk about it. Seeing his face glow as he described it. It was very rare to see that reaction from people, especially about their jobs. It reminded me of Edward and the way he loved being an architect. I pushed the thought aside.

Garrett went ahead to tell me that he would like to photograph me one day because of my _au natural _looks. I laughed.

"Oh, I don't know about that. I don't think I'm photogenic." My fingers skimmed the stem of the glass.

"I disagree."

A hypothetical image of Garrett taking a picture of me the morning after we have sex flashed in my head. I wondered what he would think of my expression, then. I blushed. The waiter arrived with our main courses. He placed a plate of Mexican lasagna in front of me and the salmon fillet with tropical fruit mole for Garrett.

"So," Garrett said, capturing my attention away from the food. "What made you change your mind tonight?" He flashed those cute dimples that made me smile.

"Well…" I swirled the wine in my glass. "I just couldn't resist that smile. But mainly because I couldn't stand the thought of you alone…with Joey." I giggled.

"Well, I'm highly flattered that you considered my feelings." Garrett laughed. "So, tell me, what's your story?"

"I don't have a story."

"C'mon, everyone has a story."

"Well, then, what's yours?"

"I had my heart broken once. I know the signs and you have the symptoms."

"I do not." I took a sip of the chardonnay. "When did your heart get broken?"

"When I was twenty six. Her name was Rachel. She left me for some other guy on the night that I was going to propose."

Thoughts of Jake flicked through my mind and I suddenly felt sad. The situation wasn't exactly similar, except if you substituted the proposal for a wedding that didn't happen. And I didn't exactly leave Jake for Edward…did I?

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said genuinely, wondering who would dump handsome Garrett for someone else. Was the world filled with thousands of people with broken hearts? And if so, who mended them? Were we all just someone else's rebound?

"It's okay. It happened years ago." He took a bite of his salmon. "I've gotten over it." He smiled.

"How'd you get over her?" I asked, curious.

"Well, I found out that as easy as it took her to walk away from me, it was _that _easy to let her go."

I wondered if Jake had let me go. I also wondered why I hadn't let Edward go. Perhaps, that theory didn't apply to all situations. The world wasn't entirely black and white; there were grey areas, too, right?

Garrett and I focused on less emotional topics after that. I hadn't been on a date since forever (if you could call this a date), but I was pretty sure first dates were not the ones you dumped your emotional bags on the table. After all, if I told Garrett about my past, I doubted he'd even consider another date.

After dinner, we walked back home. Garrett asked if I minded him smoking a cigarette and I said no, thinking about Edward and the way the cig usually balanced between his lips. _He should really quit smoking. _Garrett took a breath mint after the cigarette.

When we got back to our apartment building, Garrett and I passed his place and stopped at my door. He brought out a little pink gift bag that contained a small pink box. I tried to refuse but he was persistent. Finally, I took it when I knew my refusal wasn't an option.

"I had a really great evening, Bella." His deep voice made the space between us charged. He leaned closer to me, while I leaned against the door. His hand rested above my head as his lips brushed mine in a kiss.

For a moment, there was that rush that accompanied kissing someone new. That thrill that made your stomach clench when the person's tongue swept against your lips, but quickly the thrill expired and I recognized something was missing. A fundamental element. You know, that sensation that made you feel like your heart was going to explode. The current that rushed all the way to your toes.

I angled my head to the right, searching for that missing element. The element that made you want to claw his clothes off his body and go to his apartment where both of you would succumb to the whims of your desires. Or the other element that made you want to wrap your arms around his neck, all just so the kiss could last for a little while longer. The one that made you feel like there was something to lose.

But as I kissed Garrett slowly, I realized what I felt. _Content._ And maybe, just maybe, after a few more dates, and a few more laughs, and a few more kisses, I'd feel that something. And then maybe we'd go back to his apartment and have sex. And maybe we'd fall in love and I'd marry him and we'd have kids. And, finally, maybe I'd kiss him without thinking of Edward.

The kiss lasted for a few seconds, although it didn't feel like it. And it wasn't that Garrett was a bad kisser, he was great. But maybe I was the wrong partner for him to be kissing.

_Give it a few more tries and you'll become an expert!_ My mind threw words back at me. _You've been away from the dating game for too long, you're rusty. You can't just suddenly expect to fall in love with the guy, love takes time to grow. _

"Thanks for the evening, Garrett." I smiled, knowing that it was going to be my last date. Garrett was a nice, handsome guy, but I couldn't have a repeat of what happened with Jake. So I told him I wasn't ready for dating yet, skipping the whole "it's not you, it's me" cliché. He smiled and said it was okay and he understood, before I entered my apartment.

_At least, I survived a first date, _I thought, walking through the darkness and toward my bedroom. My guess was that my friends had gone into hiding after that little incident.

I took off my coat and stripped off my clothes, lying on the bed in a supine position, wearing my favorite sweats and a grey t-shirt. My phone blinked and I picked it, seeing Edward's number on the caller ID.

I sighed and answered, "Hello."

"Hey."

I hugged my pillows and we didn't talk for a while, just hearing each other's breaths through the phone. This could have lasted for five minutes.

"I'm sorry," he finally said in a soft voice. "I wish I could fucking say something else."

"Me, too," I whispered.

More silence.

"I love you." The words tumbled out of my mouth like a dice being thrown on a casino table.

_I love you_. The words echoed into the phone…or were they just resounding in my head? I hadn't said them directly to him in such a calm manner in a long time. The last time I said it to him, I was fighting the words and the feeling. Normally, I threw them at him viciously, like arrows aimed to hurt him.

_I love you, but you left me. _

_I love you, but I don't want to. _

_I love you, but you won't leave me alone. _

_I love you, but I hate you._

Now, it was just a confession. An acceptance. Almost as if I was admitting defeat. They sounded so different. So foreign. So strange.

When in another era, I had confessed them so willingly almost every day.

"I love you," I said again, trying to get used to the way the words sounded. "But it hurts, Edward. It hurts a lot and I don't know if you can make it stop hurting. And believe me, I want you to, but there are a lot of things that you've done that just…that hurt me deeply. And I know that…I know you want to take them back and you're sorry. But this is something that you can't change and I've accepted that…And I'm just so tired, Edward. I'm tired of fighting you and these feelings I have for you. I'm tired of hanging on to the past. And I'm scared. I'm so scared to give you another chance and have you walk away again."

There was silence as I chewed my nails.

He breathed. "So what does this mean?"

"It means that I have to make a decision. To be with you or not be with you. And I can't decide right now because I need time to think about it. But I have to." _No more hanging in limbo._

"Okay…" he trailed off, digesting what I had said. "So do I…can I…is it okay for me to still call you? Or do I just give you space to make this decision?"

I knew, as much as I didn't want to admit, I enjoyed his calls. They were usually the highlight of my days, that was when we weren't arguing. Besides, if I decided not to be with him, I didn't want this to be our last conversation.

"Yeah, you can," I said. "Just not…just not every day," I added.

I needed some space for myself to think and I couldn't do that with him hovering with his phone calls.

"Okay. And Isabella?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you, too," he said.

It caused the same reaction I usually got whenever he called my name. It was like I was back in high school and he was telling me how beautiful and special I was. "I really want to be with you," he continued. "God, it will be fucking hell otherwise. But you have to forgive me, not because I want you to, but because even if we don't end up together, you can't continue carrying that stuff around. If you don't choose me to be in your life, I need to know...I need to know that you're not still hurting over me."

In that moment, my childhood best friend surfaced – the one who was always my friend first before my lover – and I forgot how much I missed him.

~%~

"On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you? With ten being fucking overjoyed like when you've just received the greatest orgasm of your life and one being just downright depressed," Alice said on the other side of the line, as I looked at New York's skyline.

"Um, why am I grading my emotions?" I asked, checking the time and wondering when Randall was going to arrive.

Randall Jenks was a very good friend of mine, who actually got me my job at B-M. We met at a bar in Alphabet City a year ago, when I first moved to Manhattan. I was sitting by myself, missing home terribly and trying to adjust to the new environment I was in, when he offered to buy me a drink and keep me company. At first, I thought he was hitting on me, taking advantage of a lonely woman in a huge city who looked like she was drowning in it, which was really embarrassing when I found out he had a girlfriend. We laughed it off and buried the whole meeting in shots. Randall proposed that we meet at Brooklyn Bridge to talk about his girlfriend's freak out reaction to him moving into her apartment.

It was the beginning of July and New York was hot and sunny, with the occasional breeze here and there.

I tucked my hair behind my ear. "Just humor me, please?" Alice continued. She sounded nervous, which, in turn, made me nervous.

"Um, six?" I replied, though it sounded like a question.

I wasn't overly ecstatic or downright depressed. I was never one who felt really extreme emotions. I was content for now, and content in my book rated a six. I had a job that provided a very good salary, if you excluded the whole billable hours thing, which I hated. I had new friends, who could even trust me to discuss intimacy issues, not that I was an expert. I had settled quite well in Manhattan, and I had a therapist who spent one hour a week, helping me deal with issues of my past. Edward and I were talking, though not all the time, and I could tell he was waiting for the day I'd tell him my decision. I was still thinking about that.

So six was good…for now.

"Okay, six is good," Alice said, confirming my thoughts. "Because I have something to tell you. Something big," she said, and I could almost hear her fidgeting.

"How big is big?" I asked, trying to guess what was making her so anxious. I hadn't heard her like this since the first time she said she was meeting Jasper's mom when she was twenty one. And, in the end, Jasper's mom didn't like Alice.

"As big as…that time Rose told us she wanted to move in with Em. No wait, even bigger."

"That's really big." I observed.

Rosalie was not one who made light decisions, so when she told us she wanted to move in with Emmett, we were shocked. We knew they liked each other, we just didn't think Rose liked Emmett enough to want to be with him almost twenty four hours a day. I mean, she always complained about the state of his place when she visited him. Emmett wasn't very fond of cleaning. All that changed when they got married. The sex must have been very persuasive.

"Yeah, it's really _big _news." I knew she was stalling. This was what Alice did when she was nervous.

"You're not pregnant, are you?"

"No! Although, my news may be bigger than that, depending on how you look at it."

"Bigger than pregnancy?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Well, out with it!"

"Don't freak out, okay?"

"Well, if you keep talking without actually saying anything, I'll start to."

"Okay, okay." She paused. "I'm getting maaaaaaaried!" she squealed in a sing song voice.

"_What?_" My eyes widened.

"Yeah." She laughed. "I still can't believe it either."

"To who?" I asked in a quick second of stupidity.

"Who else? That loser, Jasper Whitlock," she said, but I could hear the happiness in her voice. "I know, it's a lot to take in. So just take a few deep breaths and it will register in about five minutes. I still can't believe it myself."

I knew she and Peter had broken up last summer. She had called me on the day it happened, and I knew she got back with Jazz a month after, but I hadn't predicted a wedding. Although, I guessed I should have. Those two were bound to go that route some time.

"Omygod! Alice, I'm so happy for you," I said, smiling. "I'm so glad Jazz finally came to his senses. I knew he would."

"Err…well, Jasper didn't exactly _come to his senses, _per se. I had to give him a little push. I proposed."

"What?"

"I know. I know. It was all so…I don't know. It happened really fast and I wanted to tell you. I really did, but I had to keep it a secret for a while longer because I wanted you to focus on yourself and not me. And I wasn't even sure if I'd go through with it."

"Wait, when and how did you propose?"

"Well…it was September, last year. It wasn't anything glamorous, shocking, I know. It was a Friday night. We were on the couch. I was lying on top of him and my head was on his chest, hearing his heart beat. We had just eaten a whole box of pizza, like gluttons, with a bottle of ice wine." She laughed, savoring the memory. I suddenly remembered Garrett's talk about capturing moments.

"And I just said, "I want to spend all of my Friday nights with you, maybe not on this couch, but lying in your arms. I want you to always have the last slice of pizza, even though I really want it for myself. I want you to kiss me goodnight for the rest of our lives, even when I start to have wrinkles on my face and I no longer look pretty." And I just kept going on and on, telling him about all the things I loved about him. And then I said, "And I want you to marry me and if you don't say yes, I might die from embarrassment right now, because I didn't know how hard it was for guys to propose. My heart feels like I'm about to die and" – and then he stopped my ramblings with a kiss. And you know how I hate it when you're talking and people kiss you to stop you from continuing. It's like the kiss gives them an out to ignore what you were saying. And I was getting distracted, so I stopped and told him that he better answer me so I'll know if I needed to kick him out again. And then, he laughed and said in all his stupid glory, "You didn't ask me a question. How am I supposed to reply when I wasn't asked a question?" And then I punched him really hard in the chest, hoping to inflict serious pain. I mean, wasn't it embarrassing enough that I had to express my feelings? And he knew I was asking, so why couldn't he just answer?"

I laughed, through my teary eyes. It was so typical of Jasper to say that. And it was so Alice to remember the exact detail.

"Anyway, so I look at him ridiculously. And he's like "Well? I can't answer if you don't ask. I'm not even making you kneel down, which is the ideal way to propose anyway." And I'm sitting there gaping at him. And then I strip my pride, because when you're madly in love with someone, you no longer have pride, and actually say, "Will you marry me, you fucking idiot?" And he laughs and tightens his arms around me and says, "Yes" over and over again. And B, it was so…it was the best moment of my life, ever. I almost felt like I was in a John Hughes movie. Although, I think John would agree that the guys propose, not the girls."

I couldn't stop smiling. I wiped the tears from my face. I knew I should have been angry with her for not telling me sooner, but the joy overshadowed the anger.

"And you're my maid of honor, so I need you to get your ass back to Forks and watch me marry my high school sweetheart."

"When's the wedding?"

"In a few weeks…" she trailed off, knowing she was in trouble.

"A few weeks?" I yelled.

"I know, this sounds really bad. But remember, it was in your best interests. Although, I really didn't expect to wait that long. It's just that I didn't know you were going to the Hamptons last weekend, so that sort of pushed back things a bit and I had to wait until you returned."

"How the hell am I supposed to leave New York in a few weeks?" I asked, thinking of how I was going to inform my boss about taking vacation time on such short notice.

"You'll figure it out. But I need you, B. Please, please, please. I promise, I'll owe you for life."

I ran my fingers through my hair. "I'm going to come, I don't know how I'm gonna do it but I will. Alice, you should have told me sooner. You're so gonna get it when I get there."

"I know."

"So wait, since you proposed, did you give him a ring? Or did he give you a ring? How exactly did that work?" I continued, looking down at the water below the bridge.

"Um, yeah, that's actually a funny story. I have a sort of rope tying my engagement finger. It's substituting as a ring. Jasper wanted to buy me a proper ring but I kinda like this one. It has memories attached to it."

"A rope?" I asked in disbelief.

She laughed. "Yeah. You'll see it when you come."

I figured it wasn't the type that you showed your friends when you went to visit and said, 'Oh, I got engaged, look at my sparkling diamond…or rope with zero carats.' I thought the use of the rope as an engagement ring was not Alice's usual style, which meant some things had changed. Because the Alice I knew back in high school and college had searched for an engagement ring and said she was showing it to me so I could tell her fiancé to buy that exact one when the time came. I still remembered what that ring looked like.

I spotted Randall walking toward me in the midst of pedestrians and people on bicycles. He waved as soon as he saw me and I had to tell Alice that I would call her later to finish our discussion.

As I walked to meet my friend, I thought about Alice's wedding. Alice, who was scared that Jasper may never want her to marry her, had taken a leap of faith and proposed to him. And in the end, she was getting what she wanted and she was happy.

I knew I needed to take that leap of faith in either letting go or hanging on.

Like jumping off a bridge. And I happened to be headed for the most beautiful bridge in New York City. In that moment, I saw the Brooklyn Bridge as a symbol of optimism. Because for the first time, in a long time, I felt hope that happiness was somewhere just around the corner. All I had to do was jump.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

**I probably sound like a broken record by now, and it's amazing how you people put up with me, but I have to apologize. First of all, I'm so sorry for the wait on this chapter. It took **_**way **_**longer than I expected. Secondly, real life has been insanely busy, that I wasn't able to reply everyone's reviews for the last chapter. Please, forgive me. I want you to know I'm really grateful that you're still reading this story and sharing your thoughts. I promise to reply this time. Thirdly, I'm sorry for the length of this for those of you who hate long updates. **

**Major thanks to Kuntrygal and MrsBoyscout for all their help in editing this. MrsBoyscout took her time and answered all my questions about New York. They're both amazing. Without them, I wouldn't have been able to give you this chapter.**

**Love is Hell is going to wrap up in a few chapters. Bella has a decision to make. The big question: 'To let go or hang on?' will be answered. We'll see what she chooses. **

**I think Garrett is a nice guy, don't you? My Garrett is Hayden Christensen. **

**Thank you for your patience and for reading. Let me know what you think.**


	22. Vanishing Point

**~ Vanishing Point ~**

I adjusted the straps of the duffel bag on my shoulder, as I walked through the main terminal of Sea-Tac airport. I glanced at my watch, hoping Alice and Rosalie had already made it to the airport so I didn't have to wait for long, especially after being on the plane for about five hours.

My fingers raked my hair, pushing the wayward strands back. I turned to glance around the terminal, wondering if they were sitting somewhere waiting or wandering around searching for me. Or, maybe they were in one of the airport shops or the food court or at the airport information booth—"Bellaaaaaaa!"

Hearing Alice's squeal, I turned to locate the direction of the source. She was moving through the throng of people milling around the baggage claim area with luggage and suitcases. A huge smile was on her face and I dropped my bag on the floor to embrace her.

"Oh my God!" She paused directly in front of me, leaving my arms stretched out and hanging in the air. "What happened?" A concerned look flashed across her face, like someone had killed her cat or something. "Don't you have any friends? How could they let you travel like this?" she asked, her eyes perusing my outfit.

"What do you mean?" I blinked, following her gaze. My arms fell at my sides. I had worn a pair of wide-leg jeans and a grey t-shirt with some graphic design on it, coupled with a brown leather jacket and a pair of black Keds. Dressing up seemed like such an unnecessary task for an exhausting trip that took a total of nine hours to get to my destination.

Alice, on the other hand, clearly did not approve.

"Don't they dress in New York? You look like someone who just popped out of the '70's," she continued. "What happened to skinny jeans and heels?"

I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

Alice tried to press down the disheveled strands of my hair. "I knew you couldn't live without me." The bright smile had returned back to her face, and finally, she pulled me into a hug, just as I spotted Rosalie approaching us. "Although, I do think I'm allergic to people in hideous clothing." She pulled away and coughed for effect.

"I missed you, too, Al." I laughed.

"Oh, look who decided to grace us with her presence," Rose said, as she smiled before embracing me. "Thank God you're here. I was beginning to think of several ways to kill myself if I had to endure any more of Alice's rants about the wedding. She's like the worst bride ever—never happy with the way anything's set. And yet she complains about the women who show up on _TLC_. I can't tell you how long she's been driving me insane!"

Alice bumped shoulders with Rose, as if to say "you know you love me" before she turned back to me. She picked up my bag from the floor and asked, "Where's the rest of your stuff?" checking behind me for more luggage.

"What do you mean the rest of my stuff?" I asked, pretending to be oblivious. "That's all there is."

"Is this all you're bringing back home?" she asked in disbelief. She raised her arm, as if my bag wasn't heavy, and gestured to the duffel.

"Well, yeah."

Her face sank. "I thought you were coming home."

"I _am _home, Alice." I tucked my hair behind my ears, feeling uncomfortable with where the conversation was heading.

"Not just for the wedding," she countered.

"Alice…"

"No, no, no, seriously. Wasn't that the plan? To go get healed, and get some time for yourself and come back? That was the plan, right, Rose?" She turned to Rose, who shrugged and turned to look at me expectantly.

"I–I've made a life in New York, Al," I said, dodging a guy who was wildly rolling his suitcase. "I can't just leave. I have a job, friends—an apartment I share with someone. I can't abandon all that."

"But what about your life here?" She looked wounded.

I knew she was hurt about the fact that we hadn't discussed this before. But now was not the time; I had just arrived. I wasn't in the mood to talk about it. I was exhausted, and I already had a headache. I thought we'd be more focused on topics related to Alice's wedding, not about me.

I couldn't just return back to Forks when I had built a foundation in New York. No matter how much I missed home, I needed this. I had to move forward, not backward. I craved the independence that I had found.

Besides, I liked the city.

"Could we talk about this later? I'm tired," I said, walking toward the skybridge that led to the parking lot. "Where are Em and Jazz?"

"They went to pick up the Devil incarnate," Rosalie said, trailing behind me.

"He took the ferry route," Alice elaborated.

I nodded. I knew Edward was leaving Canada either today or tomorrow. He had sent a text, telling me about his plans and asking when he would see me. I had replied with a vague: _yeah, some time before the wedding._

When we got to the parking lot, Alice threw my duffel into the trunk of Rosalie's red BMW convertible. I squeezed into the back seat, while Rose took the driver's seat and Alice rode shotgun.

Alice pulled a CD from the center console, and just as she was about to reach for the sound system, Rose smacked her arm.

"What the hell is your problem?" Alice glared at her. "I didn't complain when you were playing all those hip hop songs. It's my turn." She ignored Rose and inserted her CD into the player.

"First of all, I didn't play _only_ hip hop songs. Bruce Springsteen was on that CD, too. Secondly, I thought the person driving was the one who got to control the music, not the passenger," Rose said, reversing the car before driving out of the parking lot.

I closed my eyes and relaxed back into the car seat, trying to get comfortable enough to endure the four hour drive to Forks. Maybe, if I was lucky, we'd make it in three hours since Rose loved to speed.

The top of the convertible slowly lowered and I was exhilarated by the wind blowing through my hair and scattering strands across my face. I placed my sunglasses on to avoid the glare of the sun.

I sighed in contentment, already beginning to feel relaxed. The car was speeding; my eyes were closed, my hair blowing wild with the wind—this was heaven.

The voices of the Dixie Cups singing 'Going to the Chapel of Love_' _quickly changed my mind. And like the song was a direct link to my own personal nightmare, the feeling of contentment vanished.

"Oh God, Alice!" I jumped, startled by Rose's scream and the sound of her fist pounding the steering wheel. "Just because you're getting married doesn't mean we should be forced to listen to horrible, _horrible _love songs from the '60's."

"Stop it!" Alice yelled. I had opened my eyes—as I had been pulled from my cocoon—to see her slap Rosalie's hand away from the CD player. "Touch the player and you're dead!" Alice said in her best threatening voice.

"Oh-ho! And who's driving the car? I'll drive us to our graves if I have to listen to _that_."

Alice looked highly offended. "I'll have you know that the Dixie Cups were—"

"Bella?" Rose's questionable eyes met mine through the rear view mirror.

"B? Whose side are you on?" Alice turned to look at me.

And I swore we were seventeen again, with me caught in between Alice and Rosalie's argument. It was amazing how twelve years had passed, and still, it seemed like nothing had changed, yet everything had.

When did we grow up? And how did things become so complicated? I longed for my youth. When I was seventeen, I was sure that I'd be married by now. When I was twenty, I thought I had things figured out. Now, at twenty nine, everything was so convoluted. I thought it'd get easier as I grew older, but it didn't.

I noticed that both of them were still gazing at me with raised brows, challenging me and waiting to see whose side I'd take. Normally, I'd remain impartial, but I wasn't in the mood to hear them bicker like ten year olds throughout the remaining journey.

"Let the bride listen to whatever she wants, Rose." I waved off dismissively. "Besides, she's getting married and, after Saturday, no one will pay attention to her anymore."

As if on cue with my statement, Alice joined the Dixie Cups and began singing in a high pitched, headache inducing, off-tone voice. "…gonna get married. Going to the chapel and we're gonna get ma-aa-aaried. Going to the chapel of loooooove."

"You should never,_ ever_ do American Idol. Never." Rose shuddered. Alice laughed and I realized I had really missed my friends.

"So you're getting married," I said, shifting my gaze to Alice.

She clapped her hands in delight and half swiveled to face the back seat in excitement. "I know! I still can't believe it's next Saturday."

"Are you nervous?" I asked, sitting up and removing my shades. "I mean, it's a lot to take in. Making a decision that's gonna alter your life forever, deciding that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, for better or worse."

"Gee, you make it sound daunting. It's not the apocalypse." She laughed. "And I have thought about it. Like really thought about it. I didn't just propose on a whim. I'm tired of not being with him, and I really want to be his wife. It's not that life altering when you think about it. He's always been there, even when I was dating someone else. And I don't care whatever his philosophical views on marriage are—we were going to get married at some point. I'm just making it official."

"You're so smitten." I smiled. "I still can't believe you proposed."

"Jesus, don't make her tell it for the thousandth time; you'd think that's the only thing she's ever accomplished in this life." Rose rolled her eyes.

Alice ignored her and gave me a smile. "I'm really glad you're here, B."

"I'm glad I'm here, too, Al."

The track changed to _Be My Baby _by the Ronettes. Rose made an angry sound—like a growl, while I reclined back into my car seat, enjoying the breeze slapping my face. I placed my shades on, closing my eyes as we sped across the highway.

"So." Alice cleared her throat after a while. She reduced the volume of the track so she could talk over it. "Are you and Edward…together?"

And just like that, I was once again brought out of my cocoon of comfort. I exhaled an exaggerated breath and opened my eyes. I knew this conversation was coming, but didn't know when my friends would bring it up. Why the hell did I ever think they'd wait until I was settled in Forks? However, there was no way I could escape it now that it had been brought up.

Rosalie's eyes flitted to the rear view mirror to catch my expression in the reflection.

"No. We aren't together." I anchored my shades on top of my head, removing my hair from my face.

"I think you shouldn't go back to him," Rose stated firmly.

"I think you should," Alice said, and she was rewarded with an icy, incredulous glare from Rose. "Only if you really want to. If you really want to, you should," she amended. "There are just some people who can't be happy unless they're with the one they love. I'm an example of that."

"Oh, please, that's just bullshit." Rose cut in. "You don't need someone to be happy. You don't need anyone to feel complete, either. Really, you have your complete set of limbs and everything your body needs. You weren't attached to anyone when you were born. And no matter what they say about missing ribs, you've got all your ribs. So why should you need someone to be happy? Happiness doesn't depend on other people, it depends on you. You get to make the choice to be happy," Rose said, drumming her nails on the steering wheel. "You complete you. A man doesn't do that."

"So Emmett doesn't make you happy?" Alice asked, looking puzzled.

"He does, very much. Then again, he makes me angry. And sometimes he makes me sad. To put the weight of your happiness on someone else is abnormal. It's too much of a burden for one person to carry, which is why we have friends."

"But they're miserable without each other," Alice countered. "Where's the fun in that? If she's not going to be with him, then she'll be alone…or worse, she'll settle and we all know how that went last year."

"If that _asshole_ hadn't shown up, she would have found a way to be happy. Besides, there's nothing wrong with being alone."

I turned my head to the side of the car. Facing the window, I looked at the trees blur with the speed.

"She would have settled!" Alice exclaimed in a high pitched voice. "Edward stopped her from making a big mistake. Neither she nor Jacob would have been happy if she'd gone through with it. If she was that indecisive on the morning of their wedding; she shouldn't have been going through with it in the first place. If you truly love someone, no matter what happens—no matter what anyone says—you'd always pick them. She didn't choose Jacob."

"Love is not that straightforward, Alice. Feelings aren't fucking black or white. Sometimes, you can love someone and you've got to let them go because loving them isn't enough. Love won't erase the hurt they caused. We all like to think it would, but it's not true. Sometimes, the damage can't be repaired, so you've got to walk away before you hurt yourself trying to fix something that's too broken," Rose argued.

I bit my right thumbnail, letting my eyes drift close.

"What would you recommend they do? Go separate ways, go on living their lives, wishing for something that they both want? I'm a firm believer that if you really want something, you should just get it. Why torture yourself, providing reasons on why you shouldn't get it when it's just right there, within your reach? Edward has made some pretty fucked up choices, that even I don't understand, but he's human and we've all made mistakes that we later regret."

I turned sideways and sank further into the car seat, stretching my legs across. You'd have thought that with how ostentatious the car was that it would have at least been comfortable. I placed my hands at the back of my head and let them do all the arguing for me.

"Which is why she shouldn't be with him! So that every time he makes a stupid decision, it won't affect her. He can go make his stupid mistakes elsewhere."

"Don't you believe in forgiveness?" Alice questioned.

"This has nothing to do with forgiveness. She can forgive him and still not be with him."

"Don't you believe in giving people second chances? Isn't that the whole point of making mistakes—to see where you went wrong and try to correct it?"

These car seats were ridiculous. I wondered how much Emmett spent on the car. This proved the theory that flashiness didn't dictate the quality of something.

I sighed at the noise at the background. I couldn't take it anymore; both of them had to shut up. This wasn't how I pictured carpooling with them. I should've taken a taxi or rented a car and drove myself.

"I think…" I started, but neither of them could hear me because they were so caught up in their argument. They were practically yelling, and if we'd been caught in traffic, people would've been staring by now. But the only audience they had was the trees, and of course, me, who they'd failed to acknowledge.

"I think," I tried again, but was ignored. This was like getting in the middle of a cat and dog fight.

"Oh lord, both of you _shut up_! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" I started shouting, and then finally realized that my words had gotten across to them.

Relief dampened the feelings in my chest at the silence that filled the car. "Thank you! Now when I make my decision, you'll both know. But thanks for your thoughts and opinions. Now, please keep them to yourself."

Alice turned to face the window, Rosalie looked ahead at the road and I relished the beautiful, delicious, remarkable silence that enveloped all three of us. Silence was indeed _golden_.

"Okay, so let's assume that you do decide to be with him," Alice said, turning to the back seat.

The silence had slipped through my fingers before I could even grasp it.

"What happens next? Do move back to Forks? Do you still stay in New York, or do you move to Canada?" she continued.

I stayed silent, not because I was trying to ignore her—though I had every reason to—but because I hadn't decided yet. I hadn't decided on anything yet.

My heart and mind were at war on the matter. Both sides were pulling each other and failing to come up with a unanimous decision. Just like what my friends were doing a few minutes ago.

My mind, the rational part of me and also the part that analyzed things, had decided that I shouldn't be with him. That I should run as far away from him as I possibly could. It was even ringing warning bells, and it had reasons on why I shouldn't be with him. Valid reasons. So my mind hadn't thought about what would happen if Edward and I decided to take another chance and make it work this time—it had decided that I'd stay in New York. It had even decided that maybe I should consider another date with Garrett.

My heart, conversely, wanted me to be reunited with Edward. It ached painfully at the separation and it longed for when it would see him again. The heart never thought—it just felt. It never made rational decisions. The heart just wanted what it wanted. It was impulsive, selfish and irrational.

"I don't know yet," I said finally.

When I made a decision, I wanted it to be something I could live with.

~%~

At six-thirty pm, we finally arrived at Forks. By then, my legs felt like they were made of lead. Rosalie parked her car in the garage, then Alice got out to open the trunk and pull out my bag. I emerged from the car, yawning and stretching, before I followed the both of them through the back door and into the kitchen.

I heard voices, followed by the sound of Emmett's boisterous laughter, floating out of the living room. Rose dropped her keys on the freestanding kitchen island, next to the silver tray filled with potpourri. She opened the fridge and got out a soda while Alice and I went to the living room.

I stopped in my tracks in the hallway when I heard _his_ voice. Alice, who hadn't noticed that I had stopped following her, entered the living room, calling out Jasper's name. My heart—the wretched organ—responded to the possibility of his presence by beating faster, like a dog barking excitedly at its owner for a bone. I swallowed heavily at the realization that Edward Cullen was in the living room.

I wasn't sure I was ready to see him.

At least not yet.

So, I retreated back to the kitchen. Rose was pouring the remaining soda into the kitchen sink.

"Um, I'm kinda exhausted," I said, fidgeting. I hadn't seen him, and yet, my whole body felt like it was on fire, burning with awareness. I was so nervous and I couldn't understand why. "So could we—you think you can show me the guest room I'll be staying in now?" I finished, my fingers digging through my hair, as Rose turned to look at me.

"Sure," she replied, walking out of the kitchen.

We passed the living room on our way and my eyes threw a quick glance at the room, searching for him—did I mention that every part of my body was a traitor? I caught sight of Edward sitting on a black leather sofa, leaning forward and holding a bottle of beer. He was wearing a navy blue button down shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans, sporting a five o'clock shadow that brought my attention to his lips. He wasn't talking or laughing, but he had the faintest lopsided smile curving his lips.

Jasper must have been cracking jokes or saying something really amusing because the room radiated with Emmett's laughter, Alice's giggles and Edward's smile. Alice was sitting on Jasper's lap. Jasper reclined back against a wingback chair, his arms circled Alice's waist. They looked so adorable together.

My gaze was drawn back to Edward like a magnet. His head was slightly bowed down and his face still had that hint of smile across his face. His hair was a little shorter than I remembered it, but it was just the right length for his fingers to dishevel and make it seem like he didn't use a comb at all.

Within some seconds, our gazes intercepted—as if he could sense that I was watching him. I had forgotten how extremely green his eyes were and how they could entirely consume my mind in their depths, making me forget where I was or what I was doing. Suddenly, that hint of smile disappeared and he just stared right at me. He looked a bit taken aback, but that was quickly replaced with another expression that I couldn't read.

Edward's gaze slid over my body in a swift motion and then his eyes returned back to mine. It was soft, gentle and intimate, sending a chill through me. His lips parted slightly—as if to say something, but no words escaped; instead, they sat on his tongue.

"Bella, you coming?" Rose called me from behind the curved staircase, bringing me out of my trance. I shook my head to try and clear it—like that could wipe away my feelings—and followed her.

"Is he staying here, too?" The words stumbled out of my mouth before my mind could register them.

"Who?" Rose asked distractedly, opening the door to the guest room.

"Edward. Will he be staying here?" I repeated.

"Oh, no. No, he's not. Em wanted him to, but I told him you were already staying here. He's staying with his parents."

Relief reduced the acceleration of my heart beat. And then I wondered if my insides would ever become immune to him. Or if my heart would ever stop beating chaotically when it realized that he was just a few foot steps away.

I walked straight to the bed and collapsed on top of it, lying down in a prone position with arms widely spread while Rose went to the bathroom to check if it had everything I needed. She came out of the bathroom, telling me that it had extra towels if I needed any. Rose walked to the window and parted the blinds a bit to glance outside. I asked her where little Brady was and she replied that he was visiting his grandparents, which reminded me that I had to call my own parents.

"So, how're you, Rose?" I asked, taking off my shoes to get more comfortable on the bed.

She shrugged. "Okay."

"And how's the baby thing working out for you? Still trying?"

She didn't look at me, still gazing through the window. "Sort of. I'm not thinking about it too much so I don't get too disappointed."

"Alice told me that you and Em have been having…arguments…"

"Oh, what married couple doesn't?" she said, glancing at me with a smile and then turning back to the window. "I've been a little stressed lately. Besides, it's what keeps it interesting. He gets under my skin, I get under his, and then we end up naked. It all works out nicely."

She let go of the blinds, walking toward the door. "I've got to go take a shower and make dinner. If there's anything you need, just…don't hesitate to get it yourself." And then she walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Not up to a minute passed before Alice opened the door. "Move over," she said, dumping my duffel bag beside the bed stand. I moved reluctantly to the left side of the bed, turning to lie in a supine position and groaning. "So how does it feel to be back?" Alice asked.

I cracked one eye open and exhaled. "It's like I never left. Everything's still…the same. Sort of, but not really, because you're engaged."

She smiled. "Look," she said, showing me her left hand. Her fourth finger was wrapped in a small purple ribbon that had a tiny bow.

"Well, isn't that something?" I asked, sitting up. I picked up her finger and looked at it carefully. "At least, it's unique. But I have to say, Jasper really opted out of getting you a diamond, didn't he?"

Alice chuckled. "He wanted to, but I refused. It's not about the cost of the ring, or how it looks that makes an engagement ring."

"Um, some women won't agree with you."

"It's about the memory that's trapped in it—that's the symbol. The memory is priceless." She looked at this ribbon ring with something akin to adoration. I wanted to ask if the ribbon would be alive to tell its story after many years passed. Maybe there was a reason why people used _actual _rings. "It might be a silly ribbon to you, but it's more than that to me."

Alice turned to me. "You know, some believe that the engagement ring is placed on the fourth finger because it has a vein that connects directly to the heart. Pretty cool, huh?"

"More wedding trivia," I said, recalling when she told me the significance of a wedding veil.

"It's like you've been preparing for this your whole life."

"No, I've been preparing to spend the rest of my life with Jasper and it's like I didn't even know it." Alice looked lost in thought, but a smile played on her lips. And I thought—that's what happiness looked like. If it had an image, it was the image of Alice smiling unconsciously and playing with her ribbon-ring.

"Bella, about what happened today in the car, I just want to—"

"What? Don't. Don't worry about it."

"Listen," she said, looking at me seriously. "I know it may seem like we're imposing, but the truth is Rose and I just want you to be happy, you know. I'm so fucking happy right now and I want you to have that because, fuck, Bella, you've been to hell and back and you deserve it. And hey, if it's with Edward, then fine, as long as he doesn't hurt you again. If it's with that picture neighbor guy, then that's cool, too. If it's just you by yourself, that's not so bad either. But just do what you want to do. Do what's best for you, okay? Because you're the one living your life, not us."

"Thanks." I smiled.

* * *

"What's a four letter word for a _wild canine_, Brady?" I asked the two year old boy sitting on my lap, who was sucking his thumb and looking way too interested in _Blues Clues_.

He looked at me with the same striking blue eyes his mother had and said in an adorable voice, "Dada." He clapped his tiny hands together and smiled.

"Well, I'd say _wolf, _but nice one, buddy." I smiled, ruffling his hair affectionately and turning my eyes back to my crossword puzzle.

Five letter word for peevishness_…_

"Bella?" Rose called from the doorway.

"Hmm?" I replied distractedly, biting my pencil and thinking about the five letter word – _vibes_.

"Why is Edward standing on my front porch?" she continued.

I raised my head up, looking at her with a quizzical expression. "Huh?" I dropped my puzzle and pencil on the couch and moved Brady off my lap. After setting him carefully on his blanket that was spread on the carpet, I followed her to the front door.

Rose made a move to open the door, but I stopped her. "Don't." She gave me a weird look before walking back to the living room.

I walked to the window and slowly parted the curtain to see if he was really outside. Not that I didn't believe Rose, but I wanted to figure out what he was doing there and why he hadn't come in yet.

Edward stood on the porch, looking displaced. I noticed he was carrying a bouquet of red tulips. The cup-shaped flowers looked beautiful, vibrant and fiery—like a candle flame, but bright red. Their petals hadn't fully opened up yet, and so they stood close together—like they were keeping a secret, trapping an emotion within them.

He ran his hand through his hair, and then his finger moved to press the doorbell but paused halfway, not quite reaching its destination. His hand fell at his side, he seemed to be contemplating whether he wanted to press the bell or not. Then he rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes glancing at the tulips.

Edward turned away from the door. Slowly, taking a deep breath, he turned back to it and I wondered why this was so difficult for him to do.

If he was so scared of using the doorbell, he could have just knocked.

But both of us knew that that wasn't his problem. No. He was afraid because of what might happen when I answered it. Only two days had passed since I'd returned and we'd caught a glimpse of each other. We hadn't had a chance to talk yet; so we were both in limbo. I'd been so busy with Alice that I'd decided to talk to him after all the wedding preparations were done—because, for once, I wanted it to be about Alice and not me. It was Alice's wedding and I didn't want to ruin any part of it with my emotional troubles.

He walked down the small steps of the porch. I was about to drop the curtain, thinking he'd finally decided not to come in when I saw him turn back toward the door. He climbed the steps again. I bit my lip in anticipation.

I felt Rose lean against me to watch the spectacle. We both looked at each other and Rose's arched brow asked a silent question. I shrugged, not knowing the answer.

"I'm going to open the door," she whispered, pulling away from me.

I quickly turned and jumped in the path between her and the door. I blocked her from moving forward, holding up my hands. My head tilted to the side, listening for sounds from the porch.

"Bella, there's someone at the door and he doesn't have the balls to come in. It's my job, as a host, to give them to him," she continued in a whisper.

"Shush!" I pressed my forefinger against my lips, afraid of the fact that Edward might hear our whispers through the door. I could hear his footsteps from the other side of the door and I stilled, waiting. Rosalie folded her arms and glared at me.

_One, two, three, four…_

She finally gave up, walking back to the direction of the living room.

I quickly went back to the window and caught a glance of Edward leaving with the tulips. The bright red petals faced downward—not getting a chance to spill their secrets—and swung with defeat as he walked away from the house.

Disappointed, but immensely relieved, I let go of the curtain.

* * *

It was amazing how much work had to be done and how fast time flew during the preparations of a wedding. I realized I was more involved in Alice's wedding than I had been in mine. Granted, every time I complained Rose reminded me that I didn't have much to do, especially since I came a week before the wedding. We had to confirm the delivery of the cake, the photographer, the dresses—I had to confirm if Alice had told them the right size for my dress. As the maid of honor, I also had to come up with an interesting bachelorette party. Everything was so different when you weren't the bride.

"That's not how I want you to cut the beef!" Rose shouted behind me. She was leaning against me and the surprise of her proximity plus her loud voice caused me to accidentally cut my forefinger. "Great! Now you've cut yourself. Get the first aid box under the sink in my bedroom upstairs." She sighed, pushing me away from the chopping board.

I sucked my finger. "It's okay. It's just a slight cut." Rose glared at me. "Okay, okay. I'm going. Yeesh, you're worse than that Chef Ramsey guy on TV."

I walked out of the kitchen and passed the living room. Alice was playing cards with Emmett. "How come you aren't cooking? You're the one who suggested we invite people and eat dinner at home."

"Um, do you know how Rose acts in the kitchen?" Alice paused to look at me. "I'm better here. Besides, I'm not that good of a cook. And I said we should order pizza."

It was a Wednesday night and Alice had suggested that everyone should come to Emmett and Rosalie's house to hang out, like we usually did during poker nights. I'd shuddered, recalling the last time we all played poker when Jake was here. Of course, Alice said it was different this time and we needed to do it, before everyone dispersed to their different lives after the wedding. By which, she meant me.

"I've arrived!" Jasper shouted from the front door. He came into the living room, holding a bag containing beers. "Now the party can start!" He bent down and kissed Alice.

Edward walked into the living room, running his hands through his hair with his other hand buried in his pocket. Our eyes met and I quickly averted mine. We hadn't really seen each other since the day I arrived. I'd seen him, of course, but he hadn't seen me. The wedding had had the both of us incredibly busy running errands.

I didn't know how to act around him, especially since we hadn't had our talk yet.

"I'm going to get a bandage for this," I said, holding up my finger and moving toward the door, grateful that I had an excuse to leave his presence.

"You cut yourself?" Edward asked, a small frown creasing his forehead. He was standing close to the door, blocking my escape route. He pulled my hand to him, inspecting my finger. Shocked by this action, I jumped a little. "Does it hurt?" he continued with a concerned brow, glancing at me.

"No, it's just…it's nothing," I replied, hoping he'd return my finger. Maybe while he was at it, he could give me back my heart, too.

"How'd you cut it?" he asked softly, still staring at the finger. It wasn't such a big cut, and it wasn't even bleeding anymore. Yet, he was so interested in it—as if I'd cut the whole finger off.

I removed my finger from his grasp. "I was cutting beef. It'll get healed soon." Like the ache that resonated in my heart at that moment. "Excuse me," I said, and finally, he allowed me to pass.

I walked out of the living room and ran up the stairs to Rose and Emmett's bedroom. I shut the door and leaned against it, breathing heavily.

_Stupid, stupid fool. Why can't you ever act normal around him? _I couldn't be with him; he'd kill me before my time. I mentally added that to the list of why I couldn't be with Edward Cullen. I swallowed, going to the bathroom to get the stupid bandage.

When I got back downstairs, Emmett and Alice were still playing cards. Emmett was complaining that she was cheating. Alice defended herself by claiming that he was predictable. Edward sat on the couch, watching them, while Jazz was missing. So, I took my chances and went back to help Rose in the kitchen.

"What are you doing here?" Rose asked, shredding cheese inside the pot of pasta. "Did you put a bandage on that finger?"

"Yes ma'am," I replied, smiling, and held out my finger to show her. "You need help?" I asked, leaning by the door.

"So you can stab yourself again? Nuh uh."

"Well, I'll just stay here in case you need me." I crossed my arms against my chest.

"Coward," she muttered under her breath, shaking her head. I pretended not to hear her, biting my nails. "Oh, well, don't just stand there, I don't know. Go set the table or something. I don't need you hovering."

I smiled, walking to the kitchen cupboard to get the cutleries.

~%~

After a very lovely dinner, courtesy of Rosalie McCarty, we all gathered in the living room. Emmett offered to do the dishes and practically forced Edward to help him.

"There's nothing sexier than a man doing the dishes," Rose said with a satisfied smile, sitting on the couch. "Jasper, take notes." Jasper threw a cushion at her in response, which she caught.

"Oh, baby, don't mind Rose." Alice wrapped her arms around Jasper's waist. They were standing in front of the TV, swaying slightly.

"Both of you make me puke. Now move out of my way so I can see the TV," Rose said. Alice stuck her middle finger up in Rose's direction. Then, she carefully turned in a way that she could use Jasper as a shield if Rose decided to retaliate.

Rose stood up and pulled Jasper from Alice's arms, pushing him to sit on the couch. He dropped next to me. I placed my head on his right shoulder and Rosalie sat on his left side, placing her head on his other shoulder.

"I feel suffocated," Jasper said.

"What? Can't handle two women?" Rose asked, smirking at him. I laughed, getting comfortable in my position.

"It's game night, what should we play?" I asked. "No poker, please. I know that's why you guys came, but no."

"Yes, no poker." Alice agreed. "We could do charades."

And so, after Emmett and Edward had returned from the kitchen, we did just that. Alice paired up with Jasper immediately, leaving Rose, Emmett, Edward and I without partners. I glanced at Rose, silently pleading with her but she ignored me, pairing up with Emmett.

Then, I was in one of those moments where you'd really, really hate to be the odd one out—like being single in a room of couples. I'd never been in such a position before, so I never realized how awful it was. Naturally, when Edward and I were together, it was already established that we'd be partners in everything we did with our friends. But since our relationship had hit rock bottom, it felt weird and awkward.

Alice offered to be my partner when she noticed how I felt, but I declined. I could do this. Edward and I may never be together again, and I needed to be able to act comfortably around him if that happened. We had to learn how to deal with each other, especially if he was going to be around. Surely, we could act civilized. After all, he was the best man and I was the maid of honor. I could do it.

Then again, maybe the cure for all this awkward tension was talking.

My fingers glided through my hair. Jasper went around distributing slips of paper. Alice started going over the standard signals for the game, like she was an air hostess telling people the safety rules on a flight.

Edward turned to me with a charming smile and I had to smile back, because it was beautiful and infectious. "So, how was your trip?" he asked casually, placing the pen on the paper.

"It was fine," I replied. "Yours?"

"Okay." He swallowed. "What do you want to write?"

"Uh." I glanced around the room. Alice and Jasper were whispering while Emmett and Rosalie were laughing. We were all supposed to come up with two things each. I tapped my cheek, thinking.

I took the pen and the sheet of paper from him and wrote my ideas down, then showed him.

"Oh, I can't wait to see someone act this," he said, smiling. "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies will be hilarious." He wrote down his ideas on the paper and then showed them to me: _The Hangover _and _Monday Night Football_.

We finished writing our ideas for the other teams rather quickly, and it surprised me how we still had that connection. We were always competitive when we were on the same team.

Alice interrupted my thoughts by announcing the start of the game. She volunteered to go first, giving the clues so that she could remind everyone how to play. She picked up a scrap of paper from Em and Rose's pile and got the craziest look on her face.

Alice tossed the stopwatch in my direction. I picked it up and we all agreed that each person got three minutes. Once I clicked "start", she was off. She pretended to crank an old fashioned camera. Jasper immediately shouted the word "movie!" Alice touched her nose to indicate that he was right. Next, she held up three fingers and he understood that meant a three word title.

She made a motion with her hands to illustrate a picture frame. Jasper yelled. "Big Picture!" Alice pointed to her nose again. Then, she got on the floor and proceeded to do the most obscene thing—she humped the ground. I tried so hard not to laugh, but I couldn't. The whole room erupted in sounds of laughter that I almost couldn't hear Jasper's remark.

"Sex!" he shouted over the din of laughter. Alice gestured for him to keep going and then made a hilarious sex face to go along with her humping. "Porno!" Jasper continued. I didn't know how he was even concentrating. Alice's gestures had me clutching my stomach.

She hopped up with a huge smile and pointed to her nose while we tried to catch our breaths. She then held out a finger to show Jasper that she was walking on the first word. Alice pointed to herself, Rose and I. Jasper figured out the similarity and blurted out, "Women, girls, females!" She waved for him to keep going, but then stopped.

She signaled that she was working on the third word next. Alice held her hand over her head like she was holding onto a cowboy hat and marched across the room—like she was wearing chaps and spurs.

"Cowboys! Texans!" Jasper replied. Alice stopped him, then gestured for him to put all the words she'd demonstrated together. "Girls blank Texans?" he pondered. "And it's a porno! Debbie Does Dallas!" he yelled, standing up.

"Yes!" Alice screamed, throwing herself at him. She wrapped her legs around his waist and kissed him.

Emmett looked pissed off as he stood up and said, "No fucking way. No way did you get that from those clues! Do you two have secret signals or something? That was a really hard one, and they got in what? Bella? Like one minute?"

I looked at the stopwatch. "No, like a minute and a half."

"Still," Emmett said. "That shit was impossible to act and all you did was hump and walk bow-legged and he got it! I'm going next, people!" He stood up and took slip of paper from me and Edward's pile. Then, he prepared himself by shaking out his limbs like an athlete competing for the Olympics. I chuckled. He looked at me and I started the timer.

Em drew a square in the air to indicate that it was a TV show. Then he held out two fingers to let her know it was a two letter word, and he was working on the second one. He bent his knees and put his right hand in front of him with two fingers spread apart, indicating a gun. He started shaking his fingers as he rotated his body from left to right and back again.

Rose shouted, "Guns! Shooting! Violence!" Emmett signaled for her to continue and jumped on the other side of the room, opposite of where he had just faced and kept up with his actions. I assumed he was playing his counterpart's role. Rose continued, "Two people shooting at each other…?"

Em pretended to throw a grenade and then went back to his shooting action.

"There is…shooting at a baseball game…?"

Emmett groaned.

Alice interrupted, "You're not allowed to make noise, Emmett!"

Emmett held his chest and dramatically fell to the ground, as if he was dying.

"Someone dies from gang violence at a baseball game!" Rose yelled. "Huh? I've never heard of a show like that."

Emmett jumped up again. His frustration was evident on his face. He started over with his machine gun motions as I yelled, "Time!"

Rose stood up from the couch. "What the hell were you trying to act out, Em?"

"A war!" Emmett retorted. "How could you not get 'war' out of everything I was doing?" His voice was incredulous.

"I don't know. It didn't look like a war to me." Rose shrugged. "What was the other word? Why didn't you move onto that?"

"It was '_Cake Wars_'. I had no idea how to act out 'cake' other than to stuff my face." Emmett sat down on the couch, grumpy that he'd lost.

"Well, you stuffing your face could have meant anything," Rose said. "It didn't need to be food. Oh, well, one strike for us."

"Don't worry; you'll get it next time." Alice smiled and she was rewarded with a glare from Emmett.

"I guess we're up now," Edward said, standing up. He walked over to Alice and Jasper's pile, picking up a slip of paper. He studied it for a few seconds longer than I would have expected him to. Suddenly, I began to panic, hoping it wasn't a porno movie that I was going to have to guess.

Edward looked at me, he seemed hesitant, and I figured he was trying to think of ways to act what was on the paper. When it looked like he was ready, I gave the stopwatch to Alice. I sat up straighter, getting ready to concentrate on Edward's clues. At least, we had a chance of beating Em and Rose.

Edward's fingers made air quotes to show it was a quote. He held up four fingers to represent there were four words, then held up a finger to let me know he was working on the first one. He pointed to me and nodded, then pointed to everyone else and shook his head.

"Me…? I?" I asked. His fingers curved into his palm and his thumb stuck out, upward in the air, showing me the hitchhiker's signal. Then, he turned the thumb downward, to let me know it was the opposite of what I'd said. "You!" He pointed to his nose that I'd gotten it right.

Edward held out two fingers to indicate the second word. He drew the letter 'R' in the air with his forefinger. I had to watch his finger carefully to be sure before I yelled, "R?"

For the third word, Edward yanked the cushion that was on my lap and hugged it.

"Steal, take, rob, swipe…?" I trailed off. He shook his head and hugged the pillow again, running his hands over it affectionately, like the way a child would hug a favorite toy. "Something you love…" I continued.

Edward shook his finger and then scolded, proceeding to forcefully hug the pillow. He held out the pillow for me, but then shook his head and pressed it to his chest, his arms wrapping around it tightly. "Took something that was yours…?" He waved his hand frantically for me to continue. "Yours?" His hitchhiker thumb stuck downward. "Mine!"

He held out his left arm and used his right hand to demonstrate cutting it in half, which told me to shorten the word. "My? My!" I shouted. "You R My…? You are my," I replied.

I was so concentrated on the game, but I couldn't help but notice Alice and Jasper whispering on the wingback chair. I wondered what that was about.

Edward drew a triangle in the air, followed by a square under it. Next, he mimicked opening a door with a door knob. "Enter inside…" His eyes lit up and it was clear that he was using a different tactic. He pointed all around us as he walked in a circle. "Uh, living room?" He held out his arms and then acted like he was encompassing the whole place. "Shelter? House?" I shouted.

He motioned for me to continue. Where was a thesaurus when I needed one? I couldn't think of any other words. Edward kept encouraging me while Alice gave me a thirty seconds warning.

I bit my lip and thought, running through all the synonyms for the word _house_, before screaming, "Home!" A smile lit up his entire face, like he'd won the lottery or something. "You are my home!"

"Yes," he said, winking at me with that million dollar smile on his face. Emmett muttered curses in the background and I moved closer to Edward to give him a high five for good team work. He looked like he was going to hug me, but I held out my hand and then he stopped, returning my high five instead.

I noticed Alice and Jazz were still engaged in their whispers and I was about to ask what had gotten them so distracted from the game, but first, I wanted to ask Edward who he was quoting.

Rose beat me to it. "Hey Edward, I don't think I've ever heard that quote before. Who said it?"

Edward looked at me, answering Rose in a soft voice. "Me."

And then all the unsaid words, whispers, actions—everything finally fell into place. Suddenly, I understood—why he'd paused, looking intensely at the paper he'd picked for the game, why Alice and Jasper had been whispering to themselves. They hadn't written that quote. Edward was the one who came up with it. He was saying it, telling me that _I _was his home.

My heart thawed as my mind registered what he'd done. It had such an impact on me, probably because I hadn't figured it out earlier. He had always had a way with words, but when he was saying it in person, even without saying the exact words, it made me want to run to him and at the same time run far away.

I stepped back, a surge of emotions rushing through me. I needed space away from him. I needed to breathe. I needed to not be under his gaze, but his green eyes were fixed on my figure, watching me, waiting for a reaction. I opened my mouth to say something in response, but couldn't find the words. The room had gone silent. My friends were still there, but I barely noticed. All I could see were his smoldering green eyes and they burned into mine.

"Excuse me." I took another step back again instinctively. "I need to get…I'm thirsty." I held my throat and then walked out of the living room.

I got to the kitchen, opened the cupboard, reached for a glass and filled it with tap water. I downed the water completely, just as I heard Edward's voice behind me. I glanced at him and then quickly turned back to the sink.

"Why are you avoiding me?" Edward asked, leaning by the door with his arms crossed against his chest.

"I–I'm not." I turned away, dropping the glass in the sink, and opened the tap.

I heard his footsteps approach me and my heart accelerated. My mind became jumbled up with thoughts running around—all of them, incomprehensible.

"You're not?" he asked, his tone marked with disbelief. "You haven't talked to me since you arrived. Apart from a very few words during the game, you've barely said anything to me."

"I've been busy." I lifted my gaze to the window.

"Busy?" he echoed back with incredulity in his voice. "Too busy to even say _hi_?"

"Hi," I said, gripping the kitchen sink. The hairs on my neck stood as I felt him move closer.

"_Hi_?" he asked. "Look at me."

I bit my lip and watched the drops of water from the tap fall into the glass. I needed strength to talk to him, and if I looked at him, any amount of courage I'd managed to build up would crumble.

"Please, look at me, Isabella," he pleaded, and this time I didn't refuse. I turned to him. "I don't know what you're thinking. I can't…" he trailed off. "I know you said you'd make a decision on whether you still want me…I'm not even asking you to do that now. I'm not even asking for anything other than…" He paused and took a breath. "I just want you to talk to me."

"I can't—we can't—this isn't—" I said, biting my lip.

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Did I do something wrong again? Because I feel like we took a step forward when you were in New York, and now, we've taken ten steps back." He ran his hands through his hair. "Did I fucking screw this up again?"

"No." I exhaled. "Edward, I'm good with talking to you on the phone, there's always a barrier. But when you're…when you're here like this—in front of me, saying things, _doing_ things—I can't think. I can't…_breathe_. I turn into that girl who's madly in love with you, but remembers how much you've hurt her. And the wedding just makes it that much more difficult. Alice needs me and I can't think about us when she needs me."

"Isabella." My name was wrapped in a voice full of anguish, as he took a step toward me, his right hand moving to my cheek. "Tell me what to do to make it bet—"

"Yo, Edward!" My gaze moved to the door at the sound of Jasper's voice in the hallway. "Edward?"

Edward's hand faltered halfway when he heard his name, his fingers curling into his palm. His hand dropped to his side and he closed his eyes, taking a breath. "Yeah," he replied, as Jasper showed up at the door. "What's up?" He opened his eyes and looked at me while answering Jazz.

"Dude, we gotta go," Jasper replied from the door. "Alice is driving me out. She doesn't want me anymore. I've overstayed my welcome." Jasper glanced at his watch.

"I didn't say that you loser!" Alice shouted from the living room.

I cleared my throat. Edward stepped back and mouthed "sorry" to me. I shook my head, not wanting him to worry. This wasn't the place or time to talk.

"I'm gonna…I'm gonna go," Edward said, turning away from me.

"Yeah," I said, watching him walk out of the kitchen.

"You okay?" Jasper asked, looking at me carefully.

"Yeah."

"Okay. Well, we'll catch you ladies later," he said, leaving the kitchen.

I turned to the sink and closed the tap. Then let out a breath when I heard the front door shut.

* * *

On the morning of Alice's wedding day, Rose and I had to quickly rush to the park to ensure that everything was set for the wedding. The wedding planner had arranged for more chairs to be added to the ones at the park. Rose and I had to confirm that there were enough chairs for all the guests. We also had to make sure that the park was decorated to Alice's specifications.

In the afternoon, I called the band that was going to play during the wedding to ensure that they'd show up on time in the evening. When Alice's other bridesmaids showed up at Rose's house, I showed them the rooms they could dress in. The bouquets for both Alice and the bridesmaids arrived later, and I distributed them accordingly, leaving the one for Alice in an empty vase on the dining table.

In the evening, Angela, one of my former colleagues who used to work with me at the library, showed up to help. Rose sent her to Jasper's parent's house to give the guys calla lilies for their buttonholes.

I sent a text to Edward to inform him that Angela was on her way to meet them. He quickly replied me a few seconds after.

_Cool. What's up? Jasper doesn't know how to knot a fucking tie. LOL._

I smiled and sent a text right back.

_Then you should do it for him. That's part of the work of a best man, y'know. Didn't know what you were signing up for, huh?_

We'd been exchanging text messages since the last time we'd talked in the kitchen. Mainly because our duties insisted that we'd have to communicate and be at our friend's beck and call. We had to put our issues aside and ensure that they had an awesome wedding. And that involved working together and communicating.

This was veiled under the pretense of the fact that it was Alice's wedding.

On the night of Alice's bachelorette party, Edward had texted me to ask what we were doing and if I was enjoying myself. When I replied back, he'd told me that he didn't know what to say for his speech during the wedding toast. I knew he was asking, not because he didn't know what to say—Edward always knew what to say in instances like that—but because he was looking for an excuse to talk to me. And I indulged him, because it was Alice's wedding. I also wanted to talk to him, and I realized that not talking to him made things between us very…intense.

And so we talked about Alice, Jasper and their wedding. Only. We couldn't talk about us, so they were the next best thing.

Rosalie removed Alice's wedding dress from the garment bag and hung it on the arm of the chandelier in the hallway. "Be careful people, expensive white dress in the hallway!" she warned, then popped her head into the room Alice was having her hair done, snapping her fingers. "Liz, dress, hallway, when you're ready." She was in a bossy mode to make sure everyone did everything they were supposed to do on time.

My phone blinked with a text. _I know ,but come on. He needs to wear more suits, that's all I'm saying. How's everything going on there? Fun?_

_Alice is dressing up. Nothing much. _

_You think if I wear a blue lilac on my button hole to match your pretty blue dress, they'd kick me out of the groomsmen's list?_

I bit my lip and my cheeks flushed. My fingers hovered over the buttons of the phone, not knowing what to say. I figured that I could brush it off and pretend that I didn't feel anything, even though my heart disagreed with me.

I had to keep the message light. I couldn't start getting all worked up right now. I needed to do things.

_Nice try, wear the calla lily like everyone else._

"Bella?" Alice called me from one of the guest rooms. I dropped my phone on the dining table to go answer her. "Do I look pretty?" she asked as Liz, her cousin, aka the makeup artist, moved from my view.

"No. You look beautiful." I smiled. Her hair was pinned up with two small white lilies tucked at the side.

"We're running out of time, people!" Rose shouted from the hallway. "Emmett says the guests are already there. You'd think that because the wedding's in the evening, everyone would do their jobs and be on time. But no."

Liz and the guy she was working with carefully pinned Alice's wedding veil to her hair. I left the room to check if the other bridesmaids were ready before going to change into my dress.

When I got back downstairs, Alice had her wedding dress on. It was a strapless white gown that fitted the curves of her body with waves of white shantung silk flooding the floor. Crystal beading and pearls wrapped around the dropped waist of the gown, defining her shape. There was a bouquet of white calla lilies, with diamond clusters tucked in between the flowers, in her hands.

"You look like something that popped out of a happily ever after tale," I said, smiling.

Rose handed me a bouquet of blue lilacs and freesias with button roses and my phone. "And if she doesn't make it to the park on time, Jasper will think she stood him up and there'll be no fucking happily ever after." She was dressed in the same dark slate blue gown as I was, except she looked like a goddess with her blonde hair cascading over her shoulders. "Let's move! Get the bride into the car."

As the bridesmaids shuffled out of the house, I heard Brady crying.

"Oh, little man, why are you crying?" Rose asked softly, taking him gently from one of the bridesmaids at the door. "Look." She tugged his small black jacket. "You're wearing a tux. A very nice tux. Even your father can't look more handsome than you at the moment," she continued in a soft, affectionate tone. It was so bewildering how she could go from yelling to being completely tender. Oh, the joys of motherhood.

We all moved to the cars and I helped Alice get inside one of them without staining her dress. I was about to send a text to Edward, letting him know we were leaving when I saw his.

_Okay. We're leaving now. Jasper's getting nervous. I think he's a bit overwhelmed. But I'll make sure he gets there. _

It was sent about fifteen minutes ago. I quickly replied. _Tell him to stop worrying. His bride is on her way. _

~o~

The park was gorgeous. I'd seen it earlier, but nothing could compare to what it looked like right now, against the backdrop of the sunset. Small, white glass lanterns tied with blue lilacs stood at the end of each row of chairs facing the gazebo. Strings of lights were wrapped around the trees. A white carpet was stretched across from the entrance of the park to the gazebo with blue lilac petals and a few white petals strewn across it. The park was further illuminated with the street lamps. Chairs were filled with people, who were all here for the ceremony, laughing, smiling and waiting. I could see all this from the entrance of the park.

My phone vibrated with a text message from Edward. _We're up front, waiting for you ladies. Just let us know when you're ready. _I read it and dumped the phone in my silver purse.

I turned to Alice. "Ready?" She smiled brightly in response. Rose and I helped her out of the car. Alice's uncle came to stand by her side and offer her an arm. We all filed in a line.

Rosalie stood in front, holding hands with Brady, who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here. The three other bridesmaids, who were Alice's friends from college , followed next. I was the last person, with Alice and her uncle behind me. Someone signaled that we were ready and the violins' melodic strains of Coldplay's _Yellow_ filled the air.

I held my bouquet and began to march slowly on the white carpet to the gazebo. People were standing and looking toward the procession of bridesmaids with smiles on their faces. I could almost breathe in the happiness that floated in the air. It was in the fragrance of flowers. It reflected in the smiles on people's faces. It came in different shades of color—blue, white, lilac.

The groomsmen all stood in a line by the groom's side, wearing tuxedos with black vests and white lilies in their button holes.

And then there was Jasper, distinguished in his white vest, who even though he looked nervous, looked excited, too—almost as if he couldn't wait to see Alice. His eyes were searching for her, squinting in her direction, moving over the bridesmaid's faces. His gaze met mine and his face cracked a small smile, saving the big one for when he got to finally see his bride.

My eyes moved to the man standing next to him. His best man looked absolutely handsome in a tux. Edward's hair was carefully combed back, even though a few strands stuck out. His gaze shifted to me and suddenly, it was like we were the only people who existed in the park. My mind was completely lost when his face broke into a dazzling smile that caused me to blush. The expression on his face was almost like he was the groom getting married and I was the bride.

And I thought, if he hadn't left me on that day, that very special day, the day I waited for him, this was what his face would have looked like. Eyes bright and wild. Smile wide. Hands twitching—like he couldn't wait to touch me, couldn't wait for me to reach him. And I let myself relish the moment for a few seconds.

When I finally got to the gazebo, I turned to the opposite side of the aisle where the groomsmen stood. I stood in position, at the beginning of the line as Alice made her way to Jasper. Alice's uncle let go of her hand and offered it to Jasper. Jasper took it slowly, delicately and kissed her knuckles delicately before tucking her hand in his arm.

I looked at them and sighed. _This is what a wedding should be like. _

The music stopped and the minister proceeded with the usual opening. And while the wedding went on, as Jasper and Alice shared their wedding vows and placed their wedding rings on, I could feel Edward's eyes on me.

"By the power vested in me by God, I now pronounce you husband and wife," the minister said. Jasper and Alice sealed their eternal promise with a kiss. My eyes met Edward's longing gaze and then quickly averted back to the married couple in front of me.

"You're now a Whitlock." I heard Jasper whisper, grinning at his wife and holding her in his arms.

"I'm now a Whitlock," Alice replied, smiling at him like he was the whole world to her, and he was.

~o~

The evening progressed with music, speeches, pictures, laughter, wine, jokes, childhood memories, more wine, cake, more wine, and finally dancing. I held my glass of champagne and watched Alice and Jasper get their photographs taken. Jasper lay on the green grass, his hands on his heart, pretending to be dead. Alice knelt down in front of his head and pressed her lips against his. The photographer captured the moment.

I glanced around. Alice definitely knew more people than I did. The park was full, people mingling around in colorful, pretty dress and black tuxedos and different color of suits. Rosalie, Emmett and Brady were holding hands, dancing side by side. Brady was in the middle of his parents, laughing as they swung him up and down and twirled him around.

I caught the sight of someone familiar and my breath caught in my throat.

Jacob was here.

I hadn't seen him since I got back. When I left for New York, Alice had called me to tell me when he'd returned. He'd told his dad that he needed time away from everything that had happened during the wedding, so he went away for a few weeks. When I got back to Forks a week ago, Alice and Rose had told me that he was seeing someone. They'd been dating for about four months now.

And she was here, wearing a green sequin dress with her brown curls in a small bob. She was feeding him cake with a fork and she had gotten it on his chin mistakenly. She used her finger to scoop the icing from his chin while he smiled at her, and I looked away, feeling like I was intruding something intimate.

I wondered when he'd gotten here and if he'd seen me and why he hadn't come to talk to me. Not that I'd expected him to. I wondered if he'd completely gotten over us, over everything that happened. How did men get over heartbreaks? I knew they didn't wallow in nostalgia, because clearly, Jake didn't even seem like one who was nostalgic at all. In fact, he seemed to have moved on. And then, I wondered if he was happy. And if the lady in the sparkly green dress was able to give him what I couldn't.

I gulped the remaining champagne in my glass and decided to stop analyzing. I didn't know what to do. Should I go talk to him? What was I going to say? What if he didn't want to talk to me? Because he had seen me and yet he hadn't come to me. What was I supposed to do?

Jasper saved me from my musings. "I believe that the maid of honor is supposed to dance with the groom," Jasper said, startling me from behind. I turned and saw a lazy smile stretched across his face.

I laughed and his hand found my waist. "So you're married now, huh?"

"It seems so," he replied, moving us slightly to the beat.

"How does it feel to be married? Do you feel different?" I asked, as he twirled me around and brought me back to his arms.

"Honestly?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"It feels like I'm high," he said, and my head tilted back in laughter.

"Really?"

"Really," he replied, his eyes shining.

"Oh, that's just the champagne talking."

"Maybe." He shrugged. "This morning I was so nervous. I told Edward I couldn't do this, you know. It's not like I didn't want to marry Alice, but just the wedding and the people, it all became so…much for me. But then I saw her," he whistled, "and fuck everything else. She was beautiful and amazing. I looked into her eyes and I was…okay. More than okay. And right now, I'm just fucking glad she picked me. That even with all my shit, she loves me. I'm so fucking lucky." He shook his head and laughed. "Maybe, I'm drunk after all."

"Or maybe you're just really happy."

_My Girl _by the Temptations came on through the speakers and Jasper politely asked me if he could go meet Alice. I allowed him to, smiling, as he rushed to kidnap her from a dance with Emmett.

I walked to the open bar and got myself another glass of wine.

"Enjoying the party?" I jumped at the sound of Edward's voice behind me, and the wine swooshed in the glass and spilled onto the table cloth. I leaned away slightly, barely saving my dress from the drink. "Shit! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

"No, it's okay," I said, setting my glass on the table to compose myself a bit. I picked it up after a few seconds, then turned around to look at him.

"I guess we accomplished it. Bride and groom look happy," he continued, standing beside me. He leaned slightly on the table and folded his arms.

"Yeah." I took a sip of my wine and watched Jasper dip Alice and plant a kiss on her lips.

We stayed silent for a while, watching people laugh, eat and dance. The air carried a sense of cheerfulness. The sky was dark with a few stars shining. The night was beautiful with the lights shining around the trees.

Edward leaned closer to me. "You look beautiful, Isabella." My eyes closed momentarily at the sound of his voice. I felt him move closer to my left side. His lips skimmed my ear as he whispered, "Dance with me." The contact sent shivers skittering along my spine.

I swallowed. When he stood so close to me like that, his proximity chased away any rational thoughts I had.

"Come on, at least dance with me before you fucking break my heart," he teased, but there was sadness intertwined with his words. I opened my eyes when I no longer felt his presence close to me. He was still standing beside me, but he had put a small distance between us. "Just one dance."

I finally agreed, then I let him take my hand and pull me toward the open space that served as a dance floor. His hands curved around my waist, my body slightly stiffened at the touch. Then slowly, very slowly, I entered his arms, my body adjusted to the familiarity of his. My hands stayed cautiously on his shoulders. A slow song came on just then, _Unchained Melody _by the Righteous Brothers. And I cursed the wedding DJ for putting such an intimate track when we'd decided to dance.

A slight breeze whipped around us, and I moved further into his arms to get shelter from the wind. The tension—that usually made me feel like if our skin touched, I'd get electrocuted—slowly dissipated. My arms circled around his neck and my body unraveled, relaxing. I tried not to concentrate too much on the fact that our bodies were pressed against each other in a passionate embrace.

"Your dad is watching us like a hawk," Edward said, causing my eyes to open. "He seems worried that you're dancing with me—as if you're in danger of me hurting you. When, technically, I'm the one in danger of you hurting me."

As we swayed slightly, I could see my father from Edward's shoulder. He was touching his pocket, like he had a gun that he was waiting to pull out.

"Well, you haven't given him much reason to trust you," I replied.

"He's never fucking liked me anyway."

"You've never tried to make him like you."

"That's true," he said, then added, "Just as I've never made you feel like you're worth everything to me."

I didn't respond, instead I glanced around the park over his shoulder. A memory of a very long time ago flitted through my mind. A memory that involved our younger selves. A memory of a young man playing a guitar, singing to me, right before he proposed. A memory of when all I ever loved was him.

And even though, I was in his arms now, so very close to his heart, many years had separated us. I felt like we weren't the same people anymore. We had changed over the years. Our relationship had changed. We had gotten so far apart. Secrets, distance, years, people—had all come in between us. Our relationship was like a rubberband—no matter how far it stretched, it would always snap back together. Until that threshold limit was met and then it would cut.

I saw Alice in Jasper's arms, her head resting on his chest. And then I thought that perhaps this park, where Edward and I had tried to start and end our relationship, was no longer significant. The gazebo where he proposed would no longer hold that memory.

Instead, it was replaced with the memory of Alice and Jasper's wedding. Perhaps, that was a signal that it was time to let things go and get closure and move onto a different chapter. A time to cut loose. A time to free my mind and my heart that were both so weighed heavily with the past.

It was time to talk.

As I reached that conclusion, Edward looked at me and said; "I have to go do this…thing…" he trailed off, disengaging me from his arms.

"Thing? But I want to talk now," I said, frowning.

"I know. I promise, we'll talk, but I really fucking need to do this first," he pleaded.

At that point, I noticed everyone was moving toward the gazebo. I looked up and found Alice standing in it. Some of the female guests were circling around the gazebo, waiting. And I realized that it was time to throw the bouquet. When I looked at Edward, I noticed he'd left my side.

"Okay, now, ladies, don't fight," someone holding the microphone said, as I walked around searching for Edward.

I couldn't see him but I saw my mother wave at me from her table, pointing to the direction of the gazebo. I pointed at myself in question, wondering what she wanted me to do. She made a motion of catching a bouquet and I understood, so I shook my head. We all knew weddings were definitely not my forte, so I wasn't going to struggle to catch a bouquet.

I looked toward the gazebo and caught sight of the moment when Alice threw her bouquet. A bunch of women struggled to catch it, and I didn't worry myself to look at who finally got it. I held my dress and glanced around the park again, but it was swamped with people standing and moving around everywhere. I had barely noticed all this when I was dancing with Edward.

As Alice got down from the gazebo, a crowd of people followed her and Jasper toward the park's exit. I followed them, hoping to say goodbye before they left. When Alice got to her car, she turned back and I knew she was looking for me and Rose. Rose saw her first before I did. So I watched them hug and struggled to get through the small throng of people throwing confetti and petals on them.

Alice finally saw me and smiled, pulling me into a hug. "Thank you. Thank you so much, B. I'll call you later," she shouted and then got into the car.

"Thanks for bringing her," Jasper said, hugging me.

And then he entered the car and they drove off.

~o~

I walked back into the park and collapsed on one of the chairs, feeling completely exhausted. Some people were beginning to leave, though most of them were still drinking and having conversations. I still hadn't found Edward yet.

The music stopped playing, and over the noise of the crowd, I caught the tail end of what someone had said on the microphone. "Edward Cullen would like to play a song for us."

I sat up immediately, and then stood up, since I couldn't see because of the small crowd blocking my view. I wondered what he was doing, especially since the couple he should have been playing for had already left.

Edward cleared his throat and took the microphone from one of the guys in the band. "Thanks, man." He patted the guy's back, and then turned to face the crowd. "Um, I can't really remember the last time I did this. I think it was at Jasper's place, which is very funny because at the time, he and Alice were quarreling." The crowd laughed, even though I couldn't tell what was funny. Then again, maybe women were just enraptured by how handsome he looked that they'd laugh at anything he said.

He did clean up nicely and he was pretty charming.

"So, yeah, uh, I may be a little rusty," he continued with a smile. "But this song—" the smile disappeared and he looked at his guitar, "—is dedicated to someone I've known forever. Someone I've hurt badly a lot of times. Someone, I'm still hurting, I think." He plucked the strings of the guitar. "And I can't tell her—I can't tell this person how sorry I am, because words can't even begin to describe how I feel. So, yeah, this song's dedicated to her. Hopefully, one day, she'll forgive me."

I wrapped my arms around my torso, glancing around. Rosalie caught my glance and I looked away, turning my attention to the man on the stage. His fingers stroked the guitar and music filled the silence, the notes flooding the park.

"How can I forget you when memories come and go?" I shivered, as his voice sang into the microphone in a melancholy tone. "You're all I've ever wanted. You're all I've ever known. Can I be happy living with your ghost?"

My gaze moved over the park, my eyes were beginning to fill with tears, as I remembered when he had sung for me in this same park, standing in that gazebo, proposing his love for me. I wiped the tear that rolled down my cheek with my finger, trying my best to contain myself. I could feel some people's eyes on me, moving back and forth between me and Edward. Some of them had been there on our wedding day.

"It's hard enough to get through. I still can feel the fall." I could almost feel the music on my skin, his words caressing my ears. "And I want you." Edward's eyes flashed to mine in an instant. This whole time, he had been looking at his guitar but at the chorus, his eyes were focused on me. "And I want you and only you." He looked back to the guitar. "Oh, I could start it over and find somebody new. A beautiful distraction, just a hand to hold on to."

Then, his eyes flicked to meet mine again. "But if you asked me, would that love be true?" I watched his fingers brush against the guitar strings, as he sang the chorus and dived into the bridge of the song. The roughness of his voice mixed with a deep poignancy lingered in the air. "There's no one else for me,"—his voice dropped to a softer tone, like he was signing a lullaby—"but you." He stared right at me. "And I want you, only you."

He repeated the last few lines, his voice slowly drifting off at the end of the song. He finally removed his gaze from me and looked back at the crowd, as if he was just noticing them for the first time. "Thank you very much for listening. On behalf of the bride and groom, thanks for coming for the wedding. We couldn't have done it without you all." He bowed his head slightly as people applauded him, and then he stepped down from the gazebo with his guitar.

I held myself together and went to involve myself in other things. I didn't want to sit or stand somewhere for too long and have my parents and friends come ask me if I was okay. It was almost 10pm, and so guests were beginning to leave. I stood at the entrance of the park and thanked each and every one of them for coming. The band was still playing music, but I hadn't seen Edward yet. I didn't see Jacob either, so I guessed, he'd left when Alice and Jasper had driven off. When I'd ushered the last set of people out, I found him walking toward me.

"Hey," he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Hey." I tried to smile, but it came out as a grimace instead. My eyes were beginning to water again. I sucked in a breath.

"Edward!" Emmett shouted. He was standing close to the gazebo, carrying two chairs stacked upon each other. "Edward, man, I need your help with these." He nudged his head to the other chairs that were scattered around the park.

Edward tilted his head to the sky and exhaled, then finally looked at me. "I'll be right back." I watched him jog to meet Emmett, and together, they both started piling up chairs and carrying them to the huge truck at the exit of the park.

To keep myself busy, I helped the caterers pack up the food, and pick up glasses and plates that sat on tables, chairs and on the grass. When I finished, I sat on one of the park chairs to relax. Any evidence that there had been a wedding here five hours ago was cleared, except for members of the band, who were still packing up their instruments.

Rosalie carried a sleeping Brady, his head resting on her shoulder as she walked to meet me. "I need to put Brady in his bed, so we have to go. Emmett's bringing the car now. Are you ready?" she asked.

"I could drive her home," Edward offered behind Rose, his hands were shoved in his pockets as he slowly walked toward us.

Rose rolled her eyes, which Edward couldn't see. "We could wait for you. Or I could come back after dropping Brady."

"It's okay, Rose," I said. "You can go home. I'll catch a ride with Edward, but thanks."

She looked at me carefully, like she was waiting for me to change my mind. I gave her a look that said I needed to talk to Edward and I was okay. She raised her eyebrow to ask if I was sure. I nodded.

Rose turned and faced Edward. "If you do anything to her, I mean, anything. If you bring her back crying or hurt, I swear, Edward, I'll kill you. I'm not going to take any of your bullshit," she said in a threatening voice.

"Rose!" I exclaimed, exasperated that she thought I needed someone to defend me or protect me.

"It's okay, Isabella," Edward said, glancing at me, and then he turned back to Rose. "I'll bring her back home safely," he said, assuring her.

My fingers threaded through my hair, feeling too exhausted to even shout at the both of them for being so ridiculous.

They stood in front of each other, as if they were waiting for a duel or something. Though, Edward looked depleted and defeated, Rose looked like she could punch him and maybe even dislocate his jaw.

She finally stepped back and turned to me. "I'll wait for you."

"That won't be necessary, Rose," I said through gritted teeth, glaring at her. I hated that she thought I couldn't handle myself. I didn't need anyone to take care of me or protect me.

Rose sighed and then walked away.

"Thanks Rose." I heard Edward whisper to her retreating figure, as he turned to watch her walk away. She made no sign that she'd acknowledged it.

I turned away from them and looked at the gazebo. Edward sat beside me.

The park was suddenly so quiet. The band had finally packed up and they were leaving after Rose and Brady. It became very dark, too. The wedding lights had been removed, leaving only the street lamps to illuminate the park. The chairs, the carpet, the flowers and lanterns had all been packed up into a truck, and that truck had driven off a few minutes ago.

All signs of the wedding had disappeared—the laughter, music, dancing, drinking, happiness, the feeling of buoyancy. The park had been stripped bare and all that was left was just me and Edward sitting beside each other, once again.

No more skirting around issues.

No more interruptions.

Just us.

* * *

**Song Edward plays on the guitar – Only You by Matthew Perryman Jones.**

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

_Mrs. Boyscout held my hand while I wrote this. Kuntrygal is an amazing fic boss to me as always. They both made sure this chapter was readable, and I can't thank them enough. _

_You readers, however, are the best. For your patience, for reading, for your messages, your reviews. Everything. I'm _so _sorry that I keep delaying the updates for this, and I hope the chapter was worthwhile. _

_I broke this chapter into two, so I've started the next chapter, and it will contain closure. The story's almost ending, so just hang in there for a bit. I'll try my best to get the next chapter out faster._

_I've never played Charades before, but Mrs Boyscout has a great sense of humor. _

_Let me know what you thought. Thanks a lot for reading!_


	23. The Weight of Us

~ The Weight of _Us_ ~

The gentle wind curled around us, fluttering through my hair and making the strands dance across my face. It skittered along my skin, causing a shiver to ripple down my spine. Goosebumps raked across my flesh.

Without saying a word, Edward unbuttoned his tuxedo jacket and placed it on my shoulders. The jacket enveloped my body in its warmth. His scent lingered on it—wine, cologne, grass, and surprisingly, no cigarettes.

"Did you quit?"

"Quit what?" he asked, his brows sketching a look of confusion on his face.

"Or did you just not smoke today?"

"Oh, that." He crossed his arms against his chest and leaned back against the chair. "Yeah, I'm trying something new."

"You quit?"

"Kinda."

"Okay."

"What? Did you not want me to quit?" His eyebrow arched.

"No. It's…it's not that. I'm happy you quit. I'm just—forget it."

"Women are always so confused," he said, an amused smile curved his lips. "You people don't know what you want." He shook his head.

"It's just…it's weird not smelling it on you. Or seeing you without a cigarette. You always have something in your hand."

"I do have something in my hand." He brought out his hand from his pocket and held up a pen.

"Or in your mouth," I continued.

"That sounds so _wrong_."

"You have a dirty mind, Mr. Cullen."

"You make it sound dirtier when you call me that—like I'm some old man." He punched my shoulder lightly.

"You _are_ some old man." I giggled.

"I'm getting old, there's a difference. Same way you're getting old, too," he said, still smiling. "Besides, I chew gum now."

I laughed at his substitute for cigarettes. "And this helps with the quitting thing?"

"Yes…" His brows drew closer together on his forehead, as if he was thinking deeply. "No," he finally said, relaxing. "Not really. It's complicated." He folded his arms across his chest.

"As with everything else." I sank back into the chair.

"I broke up with cigarettes," he said, tapping his left arm with his thumb and smiling.

"What? Finally found out they weren't good enough for you?" I teased.

"Yeah." He nodded, laughing, and then got serious. "No, I just…" his brows creased in thought. "I figured if you'd ever want me back, you might not want the cigarettes, so I quit."

"Edward, I'd still…" I paused, and then let my sentence drift into the air. I wasn't sure what I was going to say.

"Yeah, but you know, just in case. Things are different now." He turned away.

"I know."

"Besides, it's more for me than it is for you." He looked at me and smiled. "I'm still selfish," he joked and I smiled, turning away.

The air was indented with silence and the sound of crickets punctuated it at intervals. The wind whistled as it blew past the trees of the park.

"Alice made a beautiful bride," I said. "She definitely knows—"

He cut me off. "You were always a beautiful bride." His voice was as soft as a whisper, that I almost thought I'd imagined it.

I glanced at him, but his gaze held the gazebo. "Yeah." I turned away. "But not beautiful enough. My grooms—"

"—were fucking idiots and cowards not to see what was in front of them."

A bird flew away from a tree and ascended into the dark sky, flying diagonally across the moon.

"This park holds so many memories." I pulled his jacket tighter around my arms. "It's one thing that has always been constant in our lives. It's the place you proposed. The place where you asked me to choose between you and Jake the night before my wedding. The place Alice and Jasper got married. The place you…" I trailed off, recalling his grand gesture that happened earlier this evening.

That one gesture seemed to bring back everything at once.

Edward sighed and leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. He ran his fingers through his hair. "What the fuck are we doing, Isabella?" The sound of his voice was synonymous with exhaustion.

"I don't know," I answered honestly. I didn't know anything anymore. "This isn't easy for me, Edward." My voice was on the verge of breaking. "This…" I gestured to the space between us, even though he couldn't see what I was doing. "…was not the plan. You weren't supposed to walk away. You weren't supposed to leave me. You promised you'd love me." I bit my lip.

"And I still do, Isabella," he said, his head turned to the side so he could look at me. The intensity in his green eyes unraveled me. "That hasn't changed a fucking bit, you know that."

"But you've hurt me constantly." My voice cracked.

"I love you." He sat up straighter.

"You hurt me." I repeated.

"I love you." He said the words, as if they were a balm that could cure or lessen my wounds, as if love could ultimately make things better.

"Stop saying that," I whispered. I didn't have the energy to argue. I had no fight left for him.

"How can you say that you love me when you keep leaving me?" I asked in a soft voice. "My wedding day—"

"I thought you didn't want me. You were getting married to that guy, I couldn't handle it."

"His name is Jake," I said. "And even still, our wedding day—"

"I was fucked, Isabella. I didn't want you to marry a fucked up guy."

"You aren't _that_ fucked up."

"I thought I was doing the best for you. I thought—"

"Was it really?" I asked, looking straight at him. He turned away, not providing an answer. "You're always thinking. That's your problem. Always making decisions for me, as if you know what I feel. It's like you think I can't handle things. You shouldn't get to do that. I don't make decisions for you. I don't tell you how you feel. It should be the two of us making decisions together, not just you. When did I ever tell you that I didn't love you? Or that I couldn't handle it? When have I told you that I didn't want you?"

"Many times." He sighed.

"That was after you left me. After you showed me that you didn't love me," I replied. "I'm allowed to say that. You left me on our wedding day for crying out loud. I can tell you whatever I want." I turned away from him, staring at the gazebo. "People think it should be easy to walk away from the person that hurt them, but it's not. It's not easy. And maybe it's because I've loved you so much and for so long that loving someone else seems wrong, or I don't know…abnormal. Maybe it's because I don't make plans at all, but in a way, I planned to live the rest of my life with you. And now that that ultimate plan didn't work, I can't live it with anyone else because I have no fall back plan. It was you or nothing. You were the one thing I was sure of. Maybe I'm just one of those people who will never let anyone else in because they've lost so much."

"I know…" He exhaled, looking at his hands that were joined together on his lap. "I know we can't go back to the way things were before…before I left. I know we can't go back to the Isabella and Edward of our childhood. We've grown a lot. I'm not the same person and you aren't either. But fuck, Isabella. I just… I've tried living without you and I can't. I don't want to. I've done it and it was fucking hell and I don't want to go back." He was still staring at his hands, like he was afraid of what he might see on my face. It was as if he was anticipating rejection.

I looked away, glancing at the park.

"And I've done many fucking terrible things in my short life. Things I'm not proud of. Things I wish I could fucking take back because they've hurt you. And I wish I could take away that hurt but I can't. I'm fucking selfish for being here, asking you to be with me—for chasing you when you don't want to be chased. But if there's the slightest chance that you still want me back, I'll be here begging until you agree." He paused. "But if you don't. If you can't…." I heard the cracking of his knuckles before I felt his gaze on me. "What I'm trying to say is if you don't want me, if it hurts too much and we can't get past this, I'll walk away. I'll leave…right now. No matter how much it fucking hurts, Isabella, I _will_ walk away. I've hurt you too much and I can't do that to you anymore. But I'm not going to walk away easily. I'm not going to make this easy for you. I'm not making decisions for you anymore, Isabella."

At the sound of my name, I looked at him. "I'm not fucking leaving until you tell me to."

The determination in his voice caused me to break away from his gaze. "That's the thing, Edward," I said, my fingers running along the edges of his jacket. "This is us. This is how we work. You leave and I stay. It's our dynamic. Now, what am I supposed to do when you won't leave?"

Edward's right hand covered my fingers and pulled them away from his jacket, his fingers caressing my hand. "Stay with me. Or let's leave together," he replied. His hand moved to my face and his fingers brushed away the tear drop that had unknowingly slid down my cheek.

He drew closer to my side and his hand curved around my neck. "I want to stop making you cry," he said, and that sent a wave of emotions through me.

Suddenly, it seemed like the dam of sadness that I had managed to keep locked spilled out in the form of tears. He pulled me to him, his arms circling around my body. Sobs wracked my body as I thought of everything that had happened today.

I had been doing so good, keeping all my emotions locked because I didn't want to ruin Alice's day. And it was hard. It was hard seeing the wedding, because I'd once wanted the big cake, the laughter, the wine, the speeches, the bridesmaids and groomsmen, and most of all, the groom. But not just any groom. Him.

But that wasn't what made me feel jealous, which made me feel disgusted at myself for being jealous of Alice. The truth was I never wanted to be a bride again. I just wanted the opportunity to feel security. For someone to promise me they'd love me. For that kind of love that was easy—that didn't hurt, as much as it did now. That didn't make you feel like you had to choose between living with the person you loved and not living with them.

And then there was a dull ache that was attached to the sight of Jake today. I thought about when we were together, and how easy it was, and how it would never be easy again. And we'd never be able to talk like friends again. And how he'd probably never forgive me for what I'd done to him.

But most of all, I thought about Edward. I thought about him singing in that gazebo and pouring his heart out and I felt nostalgic.

Edward lifted me up from the chair and placed me on his lap, rocking me back and forth softly as I broke down and let it all out. A part of me wanted to push him away. The last place I wanted to seek solace from was his arms but my head rested against his chest. Edward's hands tightened around me while I cried onto his shirt.

He'd done so many things. He'd hurt me so many times. And I had forgiven him. I'd probably never forget, but I had forgiven him. And I was finally letting it go. I was letting it all go.

The only thing I'd probably never let go was the fact that I loved him. And I would never love anyone else as much as I loved him. And if I let him go finally, if I went on living the rest of my life without him, I knew that no one would ever fill that space. I had accepted that.

After a few hours, maybe it was minutes, or even seconds, of crying on his shirt, I removed my head from his chest and he looked at me. His green eyes were slightly watery and his face was drawn with sadness. He turned his head to the side, and then looked back at me.

When I looked at him, gone were the traces of tears in his eyes. It was as if he had blinked them away or I had imagined them.

He cleared his throat. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." He smiled a little.

At that moment, I realized that I was actually sitting on his lap and our faces were probably a couple of nanometers away from each other. So that when he breathed, I could feel it against my lips. And when that happened, my eyes involuntarily glanced at his lips. His tongue caressed his lower lip, and before I could move closer to taste that lower lip, I pulled away.

I slowly stood up and tucked my hair behind my ears. I needed air. I stepped away from him, the chair, his eyes, his smell—and then I realized, I could still smell him because I was wearing his jacket. I took off the jacket and handed it to him. His facial expression sank as he stared at it before collecting it.

"I just need some answers before I say anything else."

"Okay." He leaned back against the chair, clutching the jacket and staring at me.

"Why did you bring Tanya back to Forks if you were coming back for me?" I asked, biting my nail and watching him carefully.

He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms and took a deep breath. "You have to know Tanya meant nothing to me, nothing more than a friend."

"Yet, you brought her home with you? That action says otherwise, Edward."

"I didn't bring her home. I didn't even introduce her to Esme. You weren't supposed to meet her. She was a friend when I needed one during the years I was living without you. She wasn't a replacement. She was just a friend. I'd lost all my friends…and she was just…there."

"A friend you had sex with."

"And I'm not proud of it. If I could go back, I wouldn't have had sex with her if I knew it was going to hurt you this much. It wasn't my intention to hurt you. I just didn't think I was ever coming back."

"You were trying to move on without me."

"Yes, I was _trying. _We've been over this, Isabella." He dropped the jacket on his lap, placed his elbows on his knees and ran his fingers through his hair. "I can't take any of it back, no matter how much I want to. I can't. And I'm not blaming anybody, but myself. Because I fucking did this."

"I just want to know what's different now. You were such an ass to me when you came back. I know you're usually an ass, but you came back acting like I owed you something. _You_ owed me, Edward. You were acting like I was some object that you could use and discard and then pick it up again whenever you wanted to."

"I was fucking scared. I didn't know what to do. I knew you had moved on, but I didn't know you were going to get married. I stopped being an ass when we went to the lake and I brought you home when you were drunk. I saw how much hurt I had caused you then. When I came back, I was sure you had moved on. I was sure you didn't feel anything for me…and that's partly why I acted so cruelly, even though I was the one who caused it. But then that night I saw that you still cared, and I was still hurting you, so I backed off."

I thought about the week when he had avoided me before the wedding. And then I thought about the night Alice had dragged me to Jasper's place and I had caught him playing the guitar, the night he congratulated me on my wedding to Jacob.

"But I was still selfish then and I was still a coward. Because I should have never come to you on the morning of your wedding. I put that doubt there. I should have never seen you or—fuck," he ran his hands through his hair, "even spoken to you. I should have stayed and made sure you married him, if that's what you wanted. And I should have stayed for the wedding just as you asked me to, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch you marry him so I left."

"You can take the blame for everything else, Edward," I said, wrapping my arms around my torso. "But you can't take the blame for what I did to Jake. That was my mistake. I caused it. I wasn't ready. And I was in love with someone else. I shouldn't have let it get that far. I thought I could move on without you. I wanted to show you that you weren't that important to me."

"But if I hadn't come to see you that morning, you would have married him, Isabella. You would have had everything you wanted, and I fucking took that from you." He looked at me right then, his green eyes reflecting the agony of his words.

"But that's where you're wrong. Everything I've ever wanted was you. You took _you _away from me. Can't you see? None of this would have ever happened if you hadn't run away, if you hadn't left me. You excluded me from your problems and then proceeded to make it a big deal, when it wasn't even your problem in the first place. You make everything a big deal, Edward. Everything but_ me_. I keep getting left behind because you're careless. You're careless with the things you care about. And I know it's not just me, because you do it to your family, too, and your friends. The things you don't care about, you're careful with them—which is so ridiculous, because it's supposed to be the other way around." I turned away from him, staring at a nearby tree. "Look at what happened when you came back home. You brought Tanya. If you had thought about it—if you had really thought about it, just as you over think everything else—you would have known that was a bad idea. You would have known how much it hurt me. You wouldn't have brought her home."

He didn't agree or disagree with me. He just kept silent. I took a deep breath, brushing my hair away from my face.

"You're not an object," he finally said and I turned to look at him. "You're. Not. An. Object."

He stood up, his jacket falling to the ground. He didn't even glance at it—his eyes were fixed on me. "You're not something that someone can discard and pick up again." He started to approach me slowly, carefully and I stepped back impetuously. "And I'm fucking sorry if I've ever made you feel that way." He stood in front of me, his finger pushing away the strands of hair blowing across my face. "You're not an object, Isabella." He held the side of my face gently. "I'm so sorry for hurting you."

I closed my eyes at the touch of his hand. "Tell me what has changed, Edward." I felt him kiss the back of my hand and I opened my eyes.

"_I _have. Everything has." His green eyes pierced mine. "I'm different."

"How do I know that you won't leave again when something bad happens? How do I know you'll completely let me in? How do I know you've stopped running? How do I—?"

"You don't, Isabella. You don't know. And I'd give you reassurances but you won't fucking believe me unless I show you that I'm here now and I'm never leaving you again."

"If I let you in this time, Edward, and you leave me"—my voice faltered—"I won't be able to take it. I'm not strong enough to lose you again." I gently extracted my hand from his soft grasp and turned away. "So if you're going to leave, you should leave now." My head tilted to the side. "Don't be careless with me."

His hand brushed my hair away from my neck, and then he turned me gently to face him.

"I'm never leaving you again." He whispered his promise against my lips.

My hands curved around his neck and our foreheads rested against each other. "I've missed you so much, Edward."

His hands wrapped around my waist and he pulled me closer to him. My head settled against his chest and I could hear his heart racing.

"I fucking missed you, too," he whispered against my hair. "Let me take you home."

~o~

The drive to Emmett and Rosalie's place was silent.

No music.

No words.

Nothing.

I was too exhausted to say anything else, so I stayed quietly in the front passenger seat and stared at the window as he drove past all the green lights.

And whenever we reached a red light, I'd feel his gaze linger on me before he'd start driving again.

It was almost 4:00am when we finally arrived at the house. I watched him open the gate and drive into the driveway. He stopped the car and removed the keys, staring through the windshield.

The air between us crackled with tension. Now that we had talked about almost everything, it seemed as if we had nothing left to say. My mouth opened to tell him 'goodnight' but closed again without actually saying the word.

What was I supposed to say? What were we supposed to do now? What was going to happen now that we had decided—now that _I _had decided to give him a second chance?

My fingers moved to open the door but stopped at the sound of my name.

"Isabella." The tone of his voice was soft and unsure.

"Yes?" I answered, staring at the dashboard.

He breathed. "May I please come in?"

My gaze moved to him and the words came out of my mouth in a whisper, carrying an uncertainty. "Yes."

I opened the door and got out of the car, taking a deep breath. I heard him close the door as I reached for the house keys in my bag. When I got to the door, I placed the key into the keyhole, completely aware of the man standing behind me. I gently opened the door, trying not to wake up the members of the house.

Edward moved quietly behind me as we walked toward the guest room. When we reached the room, I closed the door and flicked the lights on.

"It smells like paradise in here," he said, taking off his shoes.

My cheeks reacted to his compliment with a blush. I dropped my keys on the dresser next to the mirror. "I'm going to go…change and use the bathroom. Make yourself," I swallowed, "comfortable."

I quickly entered the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I went to the sink and turned on the tap, splashing water on my face. My hair looked like a bird's nest when I looked at the mirror. My mascara had darkened the area around my eyes due to my tears. I decided to take a shower and buy myself some time before I went back to the bedroom, where Edward was currently in.

When I came out, I noticed he had opened a few buttons of his shirt. He was lying on the bed with his back to the headboard, watching me. I put my hair in a ponytail, flicked off the lights and moved to the bed, when I could no longer put it off any longer.

I lay down cautiously, facing the wall with my back toward him. His body shifted closer to mine, his arms wrapping around me. He placed the bedcover on us and planted a soft kiss on my hair.

"Goodnight, my Isabella."

Then, he reached over and turned off the bedside lamp.

I stared through the darkness and clung to Edward's arm wrapped around my body, as if the moment I closed my eyes, it would disappear.

"Goodnight, Edward."

~o~

I woke up, startled, around 7:30am and found out that Edward wasn't on the bed. I rubbed my eyes, yawned and then glanced around, searching for him.

"Edward?"

I started to wonder if what had happened after Alice's wedding was suddenly a dream when the bathroom door opened. Under the beam of light escaping from the bathroom, he appeared and answered me.

He closed the door and joined me on the bed. "Shh," he whispered. "I'm here. Go back to bed."

"I thought you left," I said with a yawn, relaxing back on the bed when I felt his arms around me.

"I told you, I'll never leave." He kissed my forehead and a sigh escaped me before I was out again.

~o~

When I woke up again, it was around 11:00am. Edward was fast asleep, breathing deeply. One of his arms was above his head and the other lay on his stomach with the bedcover tangled between his legs. He looked completely dead to the world. I smiled at the sight. The last time I had seen him sleep this peacefully was…well, it was a long time ago.

I walked to the closet and got out a robe, then left the room quietly.

Rosalie was in the kitchen, making coffee. "Sleep well?" she asked, not taking her eyes off the hot, steamy dark liquid being poured into a mug.

"Yeah," I replied, reaching for another mug in the cabinet.

"I see you brought him home," she continued.

I glanced at her and found her staring at the window, precisely at Edward's car.

I poured some coffee into my mug.

"You're only setting up yourself for disappointment, B. I don't know why you keep doing this to yourself. You deserve better. So much better than this. So much better than him. All he'll ever do is hurt you. Why would you ever want to be with someone like that? Who constantly puts you in that position? How could you trust him again?"

At that moment, I guessed that was the conundrum.

I suddenly realized that today I'd have to face the decision I'd made yesterday. Last night, it was just me and Edward, but this morning—today, it was everyone else who was coming to terms with my decision.

I knew I deserved better, much better than him. I knew he had the possibility of hurting me again. I knew that any normal woman who had been through what I'd been through would have left him at the park last night. I knew I shouldn't trust him and I didn't even trust him now.

I knew all that.

And yet, I was here and he was in my bed, sleeping.

And yet, I had told him I'd take him back and give him another chance.

And yet, a very small part of me believed that when he said he'd never leave me, he was saying the truth this time.

Or maybe that was what I hoped for.

I turned to look at Rosalie and brought the mug to my lips. "Because I love him," I said, before taking a sip of my coffee.

I knew this reason wasn't logical enough for Rosalie to accept. To be honest, it would never be enough for anyone to accept. And maybe I was content with that because they'd never understand how I feel about Edward Cullen. And maybe no one else could understand because we all loved differently.

I had given my heart to Edward a long time ago and he had never returned it.

"I've loved him for a very long time, Rosalie." I swallowed, checking for more sugar in the cupboard. I wasn't a fan of coffee, but I still drank it. "Even when I hated him, I loved him. I've loved him so much that I don't know how to love anyone else." I found the sugar and poured a little into the coffee.

"Maybe you just don't want to love anyone else," she murmured.

"Maybe," I replied, placing the pack of sugar back into the cupboard.

I turned around to face Rosalie and found Edward behind her, leaning against the door with his hands in his jean pockets. He looked completely exhausted.

"He's like a drug for you, Bella," Rosalie said, and then my gaze was drawn back to hers as she walked toward me, completely oblivious to Edward's presence.

I could see the concern written all over her face, and I thought that maybe when Edward broke my heart on the altar, he had broken hers, too.

"And he'll be the death of you," she said, pulling me into her embrace.

My gaze held Edward's. He stared at me intensely for a moment, before his brows knitted together on his forehead and he looked away.

"I just don't want to see you get hurt again," Rosalie continued, pulling back a bit to look at my face.

"I know." I looked at her, hoping she could see that I was okay. When she pulled away, I glanced at the door and Edward was no longer there.

~o~

I opened the door to my room and found Edward sitting at the edge of the bed, appearing to be deep in thought. His head whipped to my direction at the sound of the door shutting.

I ran a nervous hand through my hair and diverted my gaze to anything else in the room but him. I couldn't understand why I was so tense around him. I'd thought about what it would be like if we were ever back together again. And I'd thought that there would be a sense of relief. That, maybe, things between us might be easier.

But they were still complicated, like Edward Cullen was.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and then opened them again. Tucking my hair behind my ears, I said, "Look, you shouldn't be upset about what Rosa—"

Before I could even finish my statement, he got up from the bed and walked toward me. He placed his hands on my waist and slowly backed me against the door. Then, he tilted my chin up to catch my gaze, brushing his fingers gently across my cheek.

Slowly, he bent his head toward mine. Leaning closer, his lips interlocked with mine, like the pieces of a puzzle. He captured my top lip and I captured his bottom lip. His lips moved slowly, tentatively. His mouth was warm and tender, but firm, sending a delightful sensation coursing through my body. The stubble on his unshaven jaw brushed against my skin, rough meeting smooth.

Edward's fingers laced through my hair, pushing it away from my face as he sucked gently on my bottom lip. His hands cupped the sides of my face, pulling me even closer to him. And my body melted and lost all control when his tongue slipped into my mouth, my arms snaking around his neck. It seemed as if everything in my body opened up to him. He was pouring himself into me, filling all the holes inside me, and somehow removing an emptiness I didn't know existed.

I felt him everywhere—his leg between my thighs, his hands on my face, his body pressed against mine. I clung to him desperately, afraid that even though his kiss gave me warmth right now, it might get too warm and start to burn. I needed to let him know that now that I was letting him in again, I was never going to let him leave. I needed him to know that I was still scared, that he couldn't make me feel whole like this and then take half of me with him again.

He finished the kiss, placing sweet, light kisses on the corners of my lips, like signing a signature at the end of a letter.

I swallowed and opened my eyes to the million dollar grin overshadowing his face. I smiled, feeling a bit lightheaded.

"Sorry, I've been wanting to do that for a while now," he said, smirking when my eyebrow arched in response. "Come." He took my hand and pulled me to the bed.

He lay down on his side of the bed and I lay on my side, wondering what he was up to.

"Let's spend the whole day together."

"On this bed?" I asked. "For the whole day?"

"Yes, why not?" Edward smiled. "I've spent almost half of my life without you, and right now"—he took my hand that lay on top of the pillow and held it delicately, his eyes burning into mine—"I want to spend today with you." He brought my hand to his lips and stared at me as he planted soft kisses on my fingers. "Just give me today, Isabella. We can worry about everything else tomorrow."

~o~

Green eyes, as green as fresh leaves, stared at me. They glittered like emeralds when he smiled. They were very penetrating when he was curious about something and cut like glass when he was furious. Green eyes. Now, they were warm and staring at them sent tingling sensations through my body. Even after the years of separation between us, I was still a sucker for his green eyes.

His bronze hair was a contrast to the green. It was so much shorter than I remembered. However, the strands hadn't grown obedient over the years—they still looked like thousands of fingers had run along them.

My eyes studied his face. It had changed. He had lost that boyish expression that made girls crush so hard on him in high school, now they'd probably just want to marry him. Age had firm, masculine lines running along his face. It had also planted little hairs on that once smooth jaw.

I recalled the countless thoughts I once had of slapping this face I was admiring right now. I'd once thought of using my fingernails to claw out his skin, just so he could feel at least an ounce of the pain he'd made me feel when he left me. And then I thought of those nights when all I'd dreamed about was kissing his face. And then there were nights when I wished I could stare into his eyes so they'd give me comfort that everything will get better.

I wondered if that was how love made you feel—like wanting to kill your beloved, but knowing that a life without them was insufferable.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, still grasping my hand.

"About how shocking it is that after all we've been through, after everything you've done, you're still so important to me. So much has happened since we were teenagers, since we were engaged…since you left," my gaze dropped to our hands, "and yet, here I am and here you are—looking at me, like none of it happened. Like we were never separated. Like we're continuing from where we left off."

His other hand moved to my face, tucking my hair behind my ear. "A lot of things have happened. I don't think I'll ever forget what I did, how much I fucking hurt you. And although time passed when we were apart, it didn't change how I feel about you."

I closed my eyes and let the words settle in my head.

"Is green still your favorite color?" he asked, and my eyes opened to meet his.

His question dug up a memory from a crevice of my mind. I'd forgotten a night when two teenagers—a boy and a girl—sat on the porch steps of my parent's house, under the moonlight. They were staring at the blanket of darkness decorated with stars, just after their very first date. The boy had decided to linger for a while before going back home and so they sat together, talking about anything and everything. He had asked what her favorite color was and she had replied that she didn't have one. She didn't have favorites, even though he was her favorite boy.

"What is the point of picking one thing out of millions when you can have all of it?" she'd said. "It would be unfair to the others."

"Yes. But then nothing would ever feel special. And if nothing feels special, then everything's just normal…ordinary. We have to have a preference in life—some things need to stand out." The boy had reasoned.

They had been best friends since they could remember but they had never discussed their favorite things. They knew intimate things about each other—all the things that mattered. For instance, the boy knew that when she was nervous, she tended to play with her hair or her fingers. And if she was lying about something, he could always detect it in her tone and her eyes. But he didn't know what her favorite color was.

This trivial detail seemed like an evolution of their relationship. After all, they knew each other as friends did. But now, they were becoming _something more_, and she thought that maybe _something more_ meant being with someone and learning new things about them in a different way.

So the girl had looked into his eyes and said, "If I had one, I'd choose green."

"Why green?" the boy had asked, curiosity evident in the furrow of his brows.

She had turned away from him, feeling shy and vulnerable—like her emotions were naked on her face. "Because green symbolizes nature…growth, life, the rebirth of something." Her voice dropped down to a whisper. "And because it's the color of your eyes."

I looked at the man lying in front of me, who had once been that boy who had claimed that some things needed to be special, distinct.

"No, it's not," I said, trying so hard not to smile when a look of disappointment crossed his face. "I'm over it now."

"You're lying." He smiled.

It was so hard to stop the smile that spread across my face. "I'm not."

"You so are," he said, grinning fully now. "You've forgotten that I know when you're lying."

Edward's hands found the sides of my body and he started tickling me. Each place his hand touched made me jerk, and soon, I burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter and giggles.

"Ah, you're still ticklish." He cocked a brow, showing no mercy as his fingers lightly poked my body.

"Oh God, Edward." I squealed, laughing and at the same time, trying to get away from him. "Stop, please…I can't…oh my God." I tried to pry his hands away from my body, but it was futile.

Edward finally stopped as I lay almost at the edge of the bed, trying to catch my breath. I blew a stand of hair away from my face. He pulled me to the middle of the bed to keep me from falling.

Propping his head on his elbow, Edward's gaze caressed my face. "My Isabella," he said in a husky tone, his fingers tracing the outline of my lips.

My heart almost skipped a beat. "Are brunettes still your favorite?" I asked, panting, probably due to the tickling exercise or maybe because I was anxious to hear his answer—his reassurance.

Leaning toward me, he said, "Yes, but only one."

And then he kissed me again.

* * *

Song for this chapter: Find Love by NLX.

_Author's Notes:_

_Dear Readers: Thank you so very much for everything; your patience, your messages, your reviews, and most of all for reading. Extremely sorry for the wait._

_And I'm very grateful to my betas: Vakuntrygal & MrsBoyscout. _


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